Thursday, July 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that Donald Trump’s presence at the GOP presidential debates is making preparation for what’s to come tough for his competitors. The best plan so far calls on getting them all together for a few rounds of full contact dodgeball.

Tom Brady says regarding his suspension over “Deflategate,” “I did nothing wrong.” Which is becoming about as credible a defense strategy as “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

A Pentagon report says that climate change is an “urgent and growing threat” to national security. In other words, they are taking on global warming because they realize they are getting nowhere in their efforts to try and stop ISIS.

A Pentagon report says that climate change is an “urgent and growing threat” to national security. Which means instead of invading other countries, the military will now delegate troops to planting trees and to ask people to recycle their cans and bottles.

A Pentagon report says that climate change is an “urgent and growing threat” to national security. Which means the next time we invade another country, our troops and soldiers from our allies will all be required use military vehicles for carpooling.

A report says the Department of Defense is paying $29 a gallon for alternative fuel for military vehicles to promote green energy. Which will be ironic the next time we invade another country for their oil.

A report says that China is pushing to rewrite the rules of the global Internet, taking away control from the U.S. Which finally explains why Mark Zuckerberg has been spending all that time learning Mandarin.

A report says that China is pushing to rewrite the rules of the global Internet, taking away control from the U.S. Apparently they see the Internet as having more potential than a conduit to social networks, recipe sharing and porn.

A study says that frequent social media use could have a negative impact on the mental health of teenagers. To which most parents of teenagers are asking how can anyone even tell?

A study says that frequent social media use could have a negative impact on the mental health of teenagers. Mostly from the embarrassment that comes from posting to their friends on Facebook only to find a “like” or comment from their parents.

A report says that newspaper newsroom jobs have fallen to their lowest level since they were first tracked in 1978. Which is bad news in that it is bound to trickle down to today’s high schoolers who are only prepared for a career in newspaper delivery.

A report says that newspaper newsroom jobs have fallen to their lowest level since they were first tracked in 1978. What’s worse is that the report was originally circulated on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

A study says that bullying behavior is linked to higher self esteem, social status and a lower rate of depression. Mostly from observing how telling people “You’re fired!” can lead to being a billionaire, TV personality and possibly President.

A report says the world population could reach 9.7 Billion people by 2050. And you thought waiting to download something using dial up Internet service was slow now.

A report says the world population could reach 9.7 Billion people by 2050. Which can only mean one thing. Kevin Federline is single again.

Chinese hackers reportedly breached computers at United Airlines back in May or early June. Apparently they were just detected because United flights scheduled back in May and June are finally making it to the tarmac.

Congress is poised to avert the shutdown of highway funding, but only temporarily. Which shows that the only place there is more gridlock than on the nation’s roads is in the Capitol Building.

A report says there are only four northern white rhinos left on the planet. Which will be down to three if one of them schedules a dental appointment in Minnesota.

A lawsuit could place the standard “Happy Birthday To You” into the public domain. Which means all the waiters at theme restaurants can finally stop having to sing their own corporate birthday songs to customers in order to avoid paying royalties.

Federal officials are investigating why an Allegiant Air jet carrying 144 passengers almost ran out of fuel on a flight to North Dakota. A bigger question was why were there 144 people who actually wanted to fly to North Dakota?

A report says that more Millennials have jobs than did five years ago, and more are also living at home. Mostly because they are claiming their job is cleaning their parents’ pool and mowing the lawn in exchange for letting them live in their basement.

A report says there are safaris that allow people to shoot a white lion for $30,000. Although how macho can it be to use a rifle to shoot a big cat that is known for taking orders on stage from Siegfried and Roy?

Analysts say that T-Mobile could take over the number three spot among wireless carriers from Sprint. Although there is some confusion when AT&T customers say there company is “number 2,” they aren’t talking about how big they are.

A study says that 8 in 10 Americans are in debt. The other two are still too broke from the recession to qualify for anyone to give them credit in the first place.

A study says that 8 in 10 Americans are in debt. So who says the American dream is dead?

A study says that 8 in 10 Americans are in debt. Which is encouraging to know there are still that many people who think it’s important to put their kids through college.

Whirlpool has recalled 40,000 ovens for a faulty rack. There haven’t been that many defective racks recalled since health problems were linked to silicone breast implants.

Whirlpool has recalled 40,000 ovens for a faulty rack. Or as GM calls 40,000 recalls for defective parts, “Tuesday.”

Fiat Chrysler says it aims to repair its broken safety program as part of their settlement with the government over delays in fixing recalled vehicles. Although their contention is that there is no car more safe than the one that can’t make it out of the driveway.

IMF chief Christine Lagarde says the world economy is recovering, but is fragile and faces some downside risks. Which made people wonder if she was talking about global economy or Charlie Sheen’s latest stay in rehab?

Realtors have hired an agency to educate Millennials on what they do. Mostly as a response to what they saw with their parents being convinced to buy a home they couldn’t afford with a loan they didn’t qualify for right before being foreclosed and moving into the family minivan.

A study says that people who text while walking are just as good at avoiding objects in their way as those who don’t use mobile phones while walking. Mostly because after figuring out how to drive, work and socialize all day without looking up from a cellphone, walking is a piece of cake.

A study says that millions of people are reaping the benefits of Obamacare. Mostly Republican members of Congress who are soliciting millions of dollars in campaign donations by running on a platform of repealing Obamacare.

Experts are warning of dangers associated with eyelash extensions. Mostly from people who are wearing them just a little too long and get injured when they trip over them.

A study says that taking St. Johns wort for depression could be dangerous. Especially when the depression is brought on by wasting an hour and a half renting “St. Elmo’s Fire.”

The FDA has approved a “belly balloon” as a weight loss device. Apparently it works by inserting the balloon in patients’ stomachs, and when it is filled with helium they laugh so much at the way they sound that they can’t eat.

A study says that skipping breakfast may be bad for diabetics. Except for the people who became diabetic in the first place by eating breakfast every morning at Krispy Kreme, McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Doughnuts.

Dodgers third baseman Justin Turner was sent to the ER with an exploding leg pimple. To which Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa are saying “Why didn’t we think of calling them that?”

A study says that girls are born with weaker backbones than boys. At least the boys who don’t grow up to become career politicians.

An eight year old Maryland boy has become the first person to undergo a double hand transplant. To which the boy is saying it happened just in time, because in a couple of more years he will be keeping them pretty busy just about every day.

An eight year old Maryland boy has become the first person to undergo a double hand transplant. Which is not good news for prosecutors in the Middle East who say the technology will just allow career criminals to start stealing again.

A study says that jealousy can drive some people to problem drinking. Which means just think how many real musicians are now on the bottle after seeing Justin Bieber become a major star.

A study says that jealousy can drive some people to problem drinking. Especially people who work at Miller Beer who know they have no chance of ever overtaking Budweiser.

One of Judy Garland’s dresses from “The Wizard of Oz” could be auctioned for more than $1 Million. It could be the most costly blue dress in history other than the one worn by Monica Lewinsky.

The New York Post says that Gisele Bundchen went to Paris secretly to have breast implants. Which means that footballs aren’t the only thing that Tom Brady has been deflating.

Victoria’s Secret introduced their new team of Angels, who say they want to keep their personal lives private. Which they will work on just as soon as they are done with their latest publicity tour where they let complete strangers take close up photos of them wearing underwear three sizes too small.

A new Superman comic will have Lois Lane discover Superman’s secret identity. Which doesn’t say much for her as Clark Kent has managed to completely fool her for nearly 80 years by just putting on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses.

David Faustino from “Married With Children” says there may be a spinoff of the program. The show will be about Bud Bundy finally finding work for the first time since the show went off the air in 1997.

Jerry Jones says that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made the right decision in upholding Tom Brady’s four game suspension over “Deflategate.” Mostly because the Patriots’ fourth game is against the Cowboys.

William “The Refrigerator” Perry is selling his Super Bowl ring which could be auctioned for up to $1 Million. The ring is adorned with several diamonds, which shows that the fridge is never a good place to try to store ice for long.

Former Olympic goalie Jim Craig is selling his gold medal and memorabilia from the 1980 “Miracle on Ice.” Some of the items being sold include jerseys, goalie stick and several used dental crowns, caps and bridges.

A study says the age of the average U.S. vehicle is 11.5 years. Which would be even older when you consider that there is no Chrysler still on the road that was made after 2012.

A study says the age of the average U.S. vehicle is 11.5 years. Mostly because all the GM cars made after 2004 are still in the shop being worked on for the latest recall.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Those of you who have read this blog for awhile know I like to rant about jokes being stolen by late night comedy writers. While it might sound paranoid, and possibly like a stretch that anyone would steal my gags I am not alone. My good comedy writing friend Alex Kaseberg, one of the best writers around has brought a lawsuit against Conan O’Brien for jokes that were very similar to gags he had put out on Twitter the day before. Now jokes about Donald Trump’s hair are pretty much easy for anyone to come up with, but sometimes there are jokes so unique in content and style there is no doubt that they are being lifted. I have given up on making an issue about this since it never goes anywhere, and frankly I just don’t have time to watch late night TV to check and since Leno retired there really isn’t much on that gets my interest. I am just putting this down in support of Alex and hope he is successful in getting justice and maybe opening some doors for us schleps out here who write for fun and would like to see a little reward coming in if someone else is out there using our stuff and passing it off as their own. In the meantime, I will continue to take my pay in the form of when all of you remember to keep sending the love!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Tom Brady’s four game suspension over “Deflategate” was upheld by the NFL. Which just goes to show if you are going to get caught abusing a needle by the NFL, make sure it’s only a hypodermic.

A report says that prices are starting to rise as inflation ticks up in the U.S. Which means either interest rates need to be increased, the monetary supply needs to be decreased or Tom Brady needs to be named to head the Federal Reserve.

Homeownership in the U.S. has dropped to 63.4%, the lowest rate since 1967. The worst part is that people are losing the homes they bought in 1967 because they have taken out second, third and fourth mortgages to pay for their kids’ college tuition.

Homeownership in the U.S. has dropped to 63.4%, the lowest rate since 1967. The other 36.6% figure as long as they have a leather bench seat to sleep on and the kids’ video game console has a USB port, living in the minivan really isn’t all that bad.

A report says that the number of Americans not using the Internet has been staying steady at around 15%. Those are the people who are still trying to figure out how to get their VCR to stop flashing “12:00.”

A report says that the number of Americans not using the Internet has been staying steady at around 15%. The other 85% have already crossed the line and can’t imagine life without eBay, cat videos and unlimited free Internet porn.

President Obama says he is “a pretty good President” and could win a third term if he was able to run. To which Al Gore says he thinks if he ran again he could win for a second time.

A neurologist in Boston says he can actually feel the pain of his patients. Even more so when they don’t have enough money to pay their medical bills.

Movie theaters are starting to play messages asking moviegoers to report any “suspiciously strange characters.” Which means they will be bombarded with calls once they reach the release date for the next “Star Wars” film.

Movie theaters are starting to play messages asking moviegoers to report any “suspiciously strange characters.” Which pretty much means anyone who is willing to fork out $8 to watch an entire Adam Sandler film.

John Boehner cried during an interview on The Golf Channel. Is there anything that doesn’t make him cry? He would be brought to tears on the food network if the chef served red wine with fish.

John Boehner cried during an interview on The Golf Channel. Although so does everyone else who remembers the year 2000 and sees what Tiger Woods’ game is like today.

Prince Charles is warning that we have 35 years left to save the planet from climate change. Which coincidentally is right around the time when Queen Elizabeth II is planning to finally move aside and let Charles take over as King.

Australian reality show stars in Syria were reportedly shot at by members of ISIS. The only question is how do we get those same ISIS forces to come over to the U.S.?

Australian reality show stars in Syria were reportedly shot at by members of ISIS. What kind of reality show do you shoot in Syria, other than one where people get shot at by members of ISIS?

An Allegiant Air jet nearly ran out of fuel before having to land at a North Dakota airport that was temporarily closed to other traffic. Apparently the pilot could only squeeze enough money passing the hat before taking off to cover paying for a half tank of fuel.

An Allegiant Air jet nearly ran out of fuel before having to land at a North Dakota airport that was temporarily closed to other traffic. Which is pretty much the only reason that anyone ever lands at an airport in North Dakota.

An Allegiant Air jet nearly ran out of fuel before having to land at a North Dakota airport that was temporarily closed to other traffic. Apparently the pilot wanted to land at that destination because fuel there is ten cents a gallon cheaper than at other area airports.

The Smithsonian Institution has raised $550,000 to help preserve the space suit worn on the first Moon walk by Neil Armstrong. It was so successful, the Smithsonian is now trying to raise another $3.50 to preserve the suit worn by Ralph Nader since 1964.

A study says that raising fast food workers’ wages to $15 an hour would increase prices by 4%. Which is no big deal to the fast food workers who would then be able to afford to eat something besides fast food.

A report says that Americans have stopped signing up for Twitter. Which is good because it is disturbing enough there are already 34 Million people who actually are on Twitter to find out what Kim Kardashian has to tweet about every day.

A report says that by 2024, health care spending will make up one fifth of the economy. What’s worse is the other four fifths will be for the junk food, alcohol and cigarettes that will make us need the health care in the first place.

A survey says that fewer Americans are trying to avoid eating salt. Mostly because without salt in all our meals, there is just something missing in the way it enhances all the added fat and sugar.

Delta is offering a private jet upgrade for some of its elite passengers. As opposed to Spirit Airlines which considers its elite passengers anyone who can afford to fly Delta.

A paper written by mathematicians says that city traffic is mathematically chaotic. Which apparently means that a butterfly flapping its wings in Nebraska is really the cause for a 50 car pileup in Sacramento.

Volkswagen has passed Toyota as the world’s biggest automaker for the first half of 2015. It would have been GM who made the most cars but dropped down to 18th place after they subtracted all the cars that are currently being recalled.

George Washington University in Washington, D.C. is dropping SAT scores as a requirement. The only numbers the admissions department is interested in is whether the family has a high enough credit score to qualify for the student loan program.

A study says when people smell a sweet and fatty odor they are more likely to eat a high calorie dessert. Which is why when people walk past a Curves for Women gym they immediately start looking around for the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts.

A report says the health care system has reduced the number of deaths, hospitalization and costs for people over 65. Mostly because the fast food industry has made it so half the population never has a chance to get to 65 in the first place.

A study says that instead of drinking less, college students look for ways to limit the consequences of overdoing it. The biggest fear being getting too drunk, blowing the finals, failing all their courses and having to tack another year onto their student loans.

A study says that the higher a person’s income, the more likely they are to drink alcohol. Mostly to show everyone they are really rich when the next day comes around and they can show everyone they have enough money to get their hangover coffee at Starbucks.

A San Diego man who tried to take a selfie with a rattlesnake ended up with a $153,000 medical bill after the snake bit him. Which serves him right for trying to snap a picture before making sure which was the snake’s best side.

A San Diego man who tried to take a selfie with a rattlesnake ended up with a $153,000 medical bill after the snake bit him. Which serves him right for making an asp out of himself.

A San Diego man who tried to take a selfie with a rattlesnake ended up with a $153,000 medical bill after the snake bit him. Apparently he did it after having a flashback to when he was a baby and a photographer told him to “watch the rattle!”

The Olsen twins are reportedly considering a role in the Netflix series “Fuller House.” They just want to make sure their acting abilities won’t be pushed too much so they want to stick with lines they learned for the original series like “goo goo” and “Dada!”

The Cincinnati Reds are celebrating Pete Rose’s all time hit record with a bobblehead giveaway. Fans can hardly wait to see if it will be modeled after Moe-3 Stooges-haircut Pete Rose or balding, bad hair-dye Pete Rose.

The Phoenix Cardinals have hired the first female coach in NFL history. The only difference will be that game film day will instead start out with two hours of cat videos.

Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia has been suspended for 162 games for failing a second PED test. The only question is how bad to you have to be to need steroids to play for the Mets?

Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia has been suspended for 162 games for failing a second PED test. League officials suspected there must be some kind of drug use going on with someone who calls himself “Jenrry.”

The New England Patriots are saying the NFL is “attempting to destroy” the reputation of Tom Brady. Just like Major League Baseball set out to ruin the chances of getting into the Hall of Fame for Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa.

The New England Patriots are saying the NFL is “attempting to destroy” the reputation of Tom Brady. There already isn’t much of a reputation left for someone who can’t even avoid getting caught letting the air out of some footballs.

Microsoft, Apple and Google have all signed a pledge to cut carbon emissions. Which isn’t too hard as the only carbon emissions emitted from their products is when men are burping up CO2 from the beer they are drinking while sitting at their computers looking up Internet porn.

The Italian parliament has drafted a declaration of Internet rights. The first result will be the Sicilian version of Facebook instead of having a “like” button for posts by the mob will have a button for “I didn’t see nothin’.”

A report says that 35% of Twitter’s revenue is used to give stock rewards for executives. The bad news is that they get stock in Twitter instead of the Apple and Google shares they are asking for.

A report says that 35% of Twitter’s revenue is used to give stock rewards for executives. To which Wall Street executives are criticizing them for just throwing away the other 65%.

Four lost leaders of the early English settlement at Jamestown have been identified after 400 years. The problem was for the first 399 years they were trying the futile method of identifying any Englishmen using dental records

Facebook has developed an internal anti-bias training manual. The social media company hopes it will help its workforce to become more diverse and unlike now be made up of many different types of white and Asian males.

A report says Internet porn sites were visited nearly 250,000 times on UK parliament computers last year. No one even knew that Prince Harry had office space in the Palace of Westminster.

President Obama has extended the deadline for his climate plan. Mostly because he knows his position on global warming will be more accepted when things really start to heat up during the Republican presidential debates.

Donald Trump says if elected President he would tap Sarah Palin for a Cabinet position. Which would be a good move as she is the only person who would be able to make some of his positions look somewhat sane.

Donald Trump says he is the best candidate because he is so wealthy, he can’t be bought. Although most of his supporters do wish he could be bribed by a barber who actually knows how to cut hair.

A report says that prisoners may soon be able to get financial aid to take college courses behind bars. As opposed to college students who take courses while in between bars.

A report says that prisoners may soon be able to get financial aid to take college courses behind bars. Which ironically could mean after finishing their degree and not being able to repay the loans they could eventually end up in debtors’ prison.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tom Brady’s suspension for four games over the “Deflategate” scandal has been upheld. Now he is going to have to just spend that time in his mansion in L.A. with his supermodel wife. That will teach him! The main evidence against him was destroying his cellphone before investigators could look at it. He should have just said he loaned it to Naomi Campbell and it came back that way. In any event, I just hope it means the Raiders get to play the Patriots in one of the first four games of the season. That might mean we may only lose by four touchdowns instead of nine. Now that justice has been served in the NFL, we can get back to more important issues. Like all of you making sure you remember to take the time to send the love!

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that Android phones can be hacked by receiving text messages with a picture. Although people are still more comfortable with that possibility than getting a picture sent in a text from Anthony Weiner.

A Google backed company is searching a DNA database to look for genetic patterns in people who have lived exceptionally long lives. Ironically, there are an equal number of people whose lives are cut short because they sit around all day using Google to look up cat videos.

Donald Trump has reportedly sold a Park Avenue penthouse for $21 Million. Not that he’s getting a little ahead of himself, but the latest poll numbers already have him changing the address on his letterhead to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Donald Trump has reportedly sold a Park Avenue penthouse for $21 Million. The price doesn’t include the cost of having someone take down all the wallpaper, portraits and statuary covering the property in the likeness of Donald Trump.

The government has reportedly spent $222,000 for a study on how men look at women when they are drunk. Which could have been done for a lot less money by just having researchers go to a bar five minutes before closing time.

A study says the UK is the destination of choice for the world’s super rich. Mostly because it’s a big status symbol to be able to live there and fly in meals in to avoid having to actually eat any British food.

A study says that sleep deprivation is as bad for people as smoking. Mostly because if people didn’t stay up so late having sex they wouldn’t be having that cigarette afterwards in the first place.

A man was arrested for making it onto a plane with no boarding pass at DFW Airport. Authorities became suspicious as he was the only person in the entire terminal who wasn’t complaining about his seat assignment.

Fiat Chrysler has been ordered t buy back as many as 500,000 Dodge Ram trucks as part of a settlement over recalls. Apparently the company felt it was easier to just buy them back rather than have to replace all but the three or four parts that aren’t defective.

A study says that collisions with other players and not heading the ball are the cause for most soccer concussions. That and players hitting their head on the ground when they flop every time an opposing player comes within ten feet.

A female sprinter with high testosterone levels has won the right to compete against other women. No one even knew that Rosie O’Donnell had taken up competitive running.

A female sprinter with high testosterone levels has won the right to compete against other women. If that didn’t work she figured she could always at least get a tryout with the Baltimore Orioles.

A Swiss army helicopter crossed over into France to help bring water to thirsty cows. The operation resulted in more milk production, better profits for dairy farmers and an unconditional surrender by the French.

A Swiss army helicopter crossed over into France to help bring water to thirsty cows. The Swiss army helicopters are easy to spot. They are the ones with the rotor blades that alternate as a can opener, corkscrew and scissors.

Several cruise lines are offering around the world trips that take as long as six months and cost more than $100,000 that target Baby Boomers. Mostly people who hope being away from the house that long will inspire their kids to move out of the basement.

The Chinese stock market took a huge hit, with an 8.5% loss on Monday. Economists tried to console them by saying that will be nothing compared to when they actually try to get their loan money back from the U.S.

The Chinese stock market took a huge hit, with an 8.5% loss on Monday. The worst news is that thousands of four year olds who have money in the 401(k) plan at their Nike factory have had their retirement pushed back another 20 years.

Fiat Chrysler has agreed to take on an independent safety monitor in light of all their recalls. The worst part is his first directive is to have Chrysler show room salespersons show prospective customers brochures from Volvo.

A website called WFH Ninja is offering excuses that people can use to try to get their boss to let them work from home. So far the most popular one is spending your entire corporate clothing allowance on pajamas.

A 50 cent bet at Saratoga Race Course brought in a payoff of nearly $500,000. Coincidentally, the same bet placed on the Cubs at the beginning of the season to win the World Series would bring in exactly zero.

A 50 cent bet at Saratoga Race Course brought in a payoff of nearly $500,000. Which is not to be confused with the woman who won $2 Million when she bet she could sue 50 Cent over a sex tape.

Wendy’s says it is testing antibiotics-free chicken products. The only concern is that its customers will not enjoy the steroids and hormones will lose some of their edge without the offsetting taste of penicillin.

PETA is now advocating the ethical treatment of humans, mainly handlers who work with wild animals. Although they are still not quite sure how to handle a trainer getting into the pool with Shamu while wearing a wetsuit made out of chinchilla.

A study says that Facebook leads women into trying dangerous diets to try to look like their thinner friends. Which is still healthier than becoming morbidly obese by trying to eat like their other friends who post pictures of all their meals.

The CDC says that Montgomery, Alabama is the most sexually diseased city. Apparently the survey was taken sometime right after a personal appearance tour included a stop there by Paris Hilton.

The CDC says that Montgomery, Alabama is the most sexually diseased city. Mostly because to have sex with any women in Montgomery, men usually have to get so drunk they can’t see straight enough to put on a condom.

A survey says that Americans who are most likely to drink alcohol are educated and wealthy. Mostly because they drink to calm their fears about how they are going to keep any of their wealth after paying off the loans for their education.

A study says that high blood sugar may increase the risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. And vice versa when people with Alzheimer’s eat the second dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts because they forgot they also ate the first.

A study says that only 18% of cosmetic ad claims are trustworthy. The other 72% are when women think using Lancome beauty products will make them look like Uma Thurman or Penelope Cruz.

A study says that only 18% of cosmetic ad claims are trustworthy. The only ads that were even close to being truthful were when Cover Girl showed that their products would let customers look just like a spokesmodel when they hired Ellen DeGeneres.

A study says that low nicotine cigarettes don’t help smokers quit over the long term. The good news is that it will just take their milder cases of emphysema and lung cancer longer to kill them.

A PBS special called “The Bomb” will look back at 70 years of atomic weapons. Although there has been some confusion as many of their viewers mistakenly thought the title meant it was a documentary of the making of all of Adam Sandler’s movies.

An autopsy showed no obvious cause for the possibly drug-related death of Bobbi Kristina Brown. Other than the fact that her genetic makeup came directly from Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston.

Robert Allenby’s former caddie says he doubts the golfer’s story about being mugged at a bar in Hawaii and that it was a result of a drunken fall. Which means that the divot that came out of Allenby’s head can be blamed on a bad lie.

Kobe Bryant says he can play small forward on the Lakers if asked. At least if as usual the other four players remain in their places on the bench.

The NFL says it has new procedures for game balls. Apparently to make sure they are the right PSI they have hired away Mr. Whipple from Charmin to personally squeeze every ball before the opening kickoff.

Russian President Vladimir Putin says that FIFA head Sepp Blatter deserves the Nobel Prize. To which Blatter says he appreciates the sentiment but he already has one as part of the deal to consider Sweden for the World Cup venue.

Taylor Swift has been bumped from an October concert date in Houston because of a potential baseball home playoff game. Which is unfortunate as fans wanted to hear all the songs about her breaking up with the different players on the Astros.

Taylor Swift has been bumped from an October concert date in Houston because of a potential baseball home playoff game. That is just part of the deal of reserving a baseball stadium for a concert in October, unless you don’t mind the risk of being a little cold in Chicago.

Taylor Swift has been bumped from an October concert date in Houston because of a potential baseball home playoff game. Which is fine with the fans because they can see Taylor Swift any time, but the Astros in the playoffs may be a once in a lifetime bet.

New technology will allow pedestrians’ smartphones to talk with approaching cars to avoid them being run over. Unless the car runs them over because smartphone is communicating by sending texts back and forth with the driver.

A new invention will give surgical robots a bendable “wrist.” Which will mostly be used so the robot can maneuver with the necessary precision to pick the patient’s wallet while they are out during the surgery to make sure they pay their hospital bill.

A new invention will give surgical robots a bendable “wrist.” Which will come as great relief to men who are on the list any time soon to have robotic surgery on their prostate.

The AARP says that seniors are losing millions of dollars in online dating scams. Which apparently is making things difficult for some of their other members who happen to be Nigerian princes, vitamin supplement salespersons and reverse mortgage companies.

The AARP says that seniors are losing millions of dollars in online dating scams. It’s said to be the biggest online dating scam since every middle aged man’s online dating profile.

Peru is planning to make contact with a completely isolated Amazon tribe. Apparently the primitive tribesmen have already lawyered up and want to sue Jeff Bezos and Amazon.com for stealing their copyrighted name.

Drumstick maker Everett “Vic” Firth has died at age 85. Doctors say his heart just lost its beat.

Drumstick maker Everett “Vic” Firth has died at age 85. The only company responsible for putting drumsticks into more people’s hands is pretty much Butterball every Thanksgiving.

Jeb Bush explained his immigration plan to Telemundo in Spanish. In the interview he simply said “What’s Spanish for RUN!”

A report from a climate group says that climate change could cost businesses up to $13.8 Trillion by 2100. To which Congress says that is no big deal as they have already spent $17 Trillion they don’t have in just the past 15 years.

On President Obama’s trip to Ethiopia, he was in one motorcade while a separate one carried the bones of the 3.2 Million year old hominid “Lucy.” Apparently officials ordered a additional motorcade for fossilized bones when they mistakenly thought that Obama was bringing along John McCain.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This job of writing jokes is not easy. At least on the days when Donald Trump isn’t giving a speech somewhere. But I keep plugging along trying to master my craft while making no money. Which wouldn’t be so bad if I weren’t doing the same thing in my real job of TV meteorology. But I do it because I enjoy it and I like knowing that my jokes make people laugh. As also do my forecasts. But until I can land a gig where someone actually gives me some cash for these attempts at humor, I will get my payday every time you all remember to send the love!

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Fiat Chrysler is recalling 1.4 Million cars after being showed their cars can be hacked. The only good news is that it took the hackers going through all 1.4 Million cars before they found one that they were actually able to get started.

A town in northern Spain has granted dogs and cats rights as “non-human neighbors.” The declaration means their lives are dignified and protected, so they can now go with their owners on weekends to watch the local bullfights.

A study says that the eight hour workday is a thing of the past, with one of three employees saying they stay at work after hours. Mostly to make up for the time they spend in the office posting pictures of their meals on Facebook, looking at cat videos and watching Internet porn.

A report says that part of the Iran nuclear deal could be the return to Iran of McDonald’s. Who knew the Iranians were less interested in having a nuclear bomb than getting some freshly nuked apple pies.

A study at Ohio State University says that sex and violence in advertising may actually scare away buyers. Researchers at the school found out the only place that sex and violence in advertising still works is when recruiting players for the football team.

A study at Ohio State University says that sex and violence in advertising may actually scare away buyers. If that was really true then why are women in bikinis still in every beer commercial played during the entire NFL season?

A sports car belonging to rapper Grandmaster Flash was mistakenly given to the wrong person by a valet parking attendant. Apparently the valet couldn’t remember whose vehicle it was because he got a contact high from all the smoke still inside the car when he parked it.

A sports car belonging to rapper Grandmaster Flash was mistakenly given to the wrong person by a valet parking attendant. Grandmaster Flash was particularly annoyed at the loss because he just recently had all the bullet holes repaired.

Researchers say the atmosphere on Pluto is thinner than expected and hazy. Which Al Gore is now warning that could be the first sign they are experiencing global warming.

China says it is lifting a ban on making and selling video game consoles. Which will be ironic when the children who would normally be working at the factories making the consoles don’t show up for for their shift because they are at home playing video games all day.

A survey says that Millennials rank retirement savings and paying off debt as their top priorities. The bad part is that the debt they are paying off is from college loans for a degree that gets them a job that doesn’t pay enough to let them put anything away for retirement.

Hillary Clinton says that capitalism is out of balance and needs to be reset. If there is any proof that capitalism needs fixing, it is that it is the very system that put Donald Trump in a position where he can run for President.

The federal government is investigating five airlines for price gouging after the northeast train derailment. All the other airlines were livid, saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

The federal government is investigating five airlines for price gouging after the northeast train derailment. Which apparently is different from the constant fare increases and gratuitous, unsubstantiated fees they push on their customers all the other times.

Donald Trump is reportedly still battling lawsuits related to his failed Trump University, including one student who says he spent $36,000 and was promised a premier education. To which Trump says what better business education is there than to learn to stop being swindled for $36,000?

Donald Trump is reportedly still battling lawsuits related to his failed Trump University. The students say they knew there was something fishy about taking courses from a college that didn’t even have a Division I football team.

Hulk Hogan was fired by the WWE after it was revealed he used racial slurs on a sex tape. What is even worse for Hogan that since he is a wrestler that the woman he made the sex tape with was faking it.

The FDA wants labels on food packages to cite the amount of added sugars as a percentage of daily calorie intake. Which is easy for food manufacturers who know all they need to do is subtract the percentage of fat and salt and what’s left is the sugar.

A study says that not all pet carriers that are advertised as save perform well in crash tests. Although the crashes wouldn’t even happen if the pets would just learn to stop texting in the car.

A study says that children as young as 8 years old are unhappy with their bodies. Mostly the kids who are at that awkward age between losing their baby fat and expanding on their way towards their adulthood morbid obesity.

A study says that teens who have access to legalized medical marijuana are ten times more likely to become addicted than kids who get it illegally. Which just shows that like with other medications, you still need a prescription to get the really good stuff.

A 563 pound Indiana man is bicycling across the country in order to try to lose weight. He must be serious because he has even enlisted Tom Brady to advise him on how much air to let out of the tires before he puts all that weight on them.

Spelman College in Atlanta has dropped Bill Cosby as endowed professor. Mostly because Cosby seemed to be much more interested in the endowed coeds.

Naomi Campbell has reported joined the staff of “American Horror Story: Hotel” playing the part of a fashion editor. Which is nowhere near as scary as being Campbell’s assistant and getting her mad when she has a cellphone in her hand.

Rapper 50 Cent has been ordered to pay $2 Million to a woman over a sex tape lawsuit. Now that he has declared bankruptcy, the only question is where is he going to come up with the other $1,999,999.50?

A report says that Michael Jackson wanted to play Jar Jar Binks in the “Star Wars” prequels. Apparently he was turned down by George Lucas who wanted to keep the character more like someone who was actually from this universe.

A study says that Eminem has the largest vocabulary of any songwriter. Possibly because Bob Dylan was more into protest songs which limited him from using a wider range of poetic terms like “pimp,” “ho” and “booty.”

Robbie Knievel has pleaded guilty in connection with a drunk driving crash. The bad part is that he could have avoided the wreck completely if he just hadn’t insisted on parallel parking by jumping his car over the one in front of him.

New technology has found hidden texts on ancient parchments that are centuries old. Which is a nice bonus since the technology was originally developed by House Republicans to search out every one of Hillary Clinton’s old e-mails.

Alaska Airlines is using new technology that allows passengers to leave boarding passes and ID behind. Apparently it involves biometric scanners that measure the unique pattern of icicles and frost that form on people’s eyeballs while they are waiting in line for a flight to take them out of Alaska.

Kim Kardashian shared an idea with the CEO of Twitter who responded enthusiastically to have an edit feature that corrects misspellings. Or people could try to learn how to actually use a dictionary.

Researchers have developed a lining material that could be used to contain bomb blasts inside cargo holds. If it proves successful, it could also be used to wrap around the seat on any flights that is assigned to Alec Baldwin.

Shares of Amazon.com stock have risen nearly 27,000% since its first day of trading. Which makes market experts wonder how many stock brokers have jumped out the window after realizing they passed that over back in the ‘90s to put their entire investment portfolio with Pets.com.

Anonymous claims it has hacked into the computers at the Census Bureau. Which if they purge all their records would mean all 320 Million Americans counted in the last census will now pretty much be anonymous.

Bernie Sanders says that the national child care system is a disaster. Which for him means he has to spend several hours every day out on his porch yelling at those kids to get off his lawn.

Bernie Sanders says that the national child care system is a disaster. Why can’t we just be more like China and have those kids pulling 16 hours shifts in a Nike factory?

The FBI says that China is the biggest economic threat to the U.S. Especially if they decide one day to make us actually pay back the trillions of dollars they have loaned us.

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans think that race relations in the country are bad. Nothing points to that more than in the past few years seeing the cancellation of both “Soul Train” and “Sabado Gigante.”

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans think that race relations in the country are bad. Especially when they notice the other 4 seeing nothing wrong with flying the Confederate flag on their porch.

A poll says that Donald Trump is one of the best known but least liked in the field of Republican presidential candidates. Even more interesting is that both of those numbers keep increasing ever time he gives a speech.

Satanic worshippers in Detroit have unveiled an eight foot tall Satanic statue amidst dozens of protesters. The reason there are so many Satanic worshippers in Detroit is because they know when they die, they won’t end up very far from home.

Satanic worshippers in Detroit have unveiled an eight foot tall Satanic statue amidst dozens of protesters. The reason there is so much Satanic worship in Detroit is because the people there know that Hell will consist of buying a brand new GM and having to wait through eternity to get it back from all the recalls.

Missouri is considering ending required algebra for college. Now the only thing the students will have to solve for “x” is which enrollment application forms to put that mark on.

Missouri is considering ending required algebra for college. Which is unfortunate as that would come in handy when students graduate and want to figure out how many hours they will have to work at minimum wage to pay off all their college loans.

Missouri is considering ending algebra as one of its requirements for college. To which students in Alabama are asking “What are requirements?”

Missouri is considering ending required algebra for college. The only algebra colleges care about now is for their quarterback to know how long he must wait for his receiver to run down the field before launching a 60 yard pass.

A study says that around 60% of Americans will live in poverty for at least a year before they are 60. Which is better than after they reach 60, when they will then live pretty much every year in poverty.

A study says that around 60% of Americans will live in poverty for at least a year before they are 60. Which is good news for most people who already got that out of the way between 2007 and now.

A study says that around 60% of Americans will live in poverty for at least a year before they are 60. The other 40% will get around that by not going to college and taking out any tuition loans.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s back to the grind. Hope these jokes take some of the gloom away on your Monday. Mostly because you know there are only four more days in the rest of the week for me to do any writing. I am glad that you log in every day to read the blog. Surprised, but glad. And of course, you know I never charge a thing. Mostly because I haven’t found anyone who will actually fork out any cash if I asked. Instead, I always get my rewards when you all remember to take the time to make sure to send the love!

Friday, July 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Anthony Weiner has been hired by a crisis P.R. firm in New York City. Apparently his advice to all clients who are dealing with a crisis will be “don’t do anything I did.”

Anthony Weiner has been hired by a crisis P.R. firm in New York City. The same firm is considering hiring Tom Brady to head up its ethics division.

Anthony Weiner has been hired by a crisis P.R. firm in New York City. Apparently they want someone familiar with politics on board when they get the inevitable call for help from the Donald Trump campaign.

A report says the wage gap between CEOs and workers has jumped to a record high 373 to 1. Which means it is easy to calculate the salary of a company’s CEO, just multiply 373 times the current minimum wage.

A study says American teens are having less sex, especially boys. Mostly because the boys are being shut out with all the competition from middle aged men on Myspace.

A study says American teens are having less sex, especially boys. The study says the reasons are fear of disease, not wanting an unplanned pregnancy and that boys are finally telling the truth.

A study has found a link between college students’ majors and their parents’ income. For instance, anyone who graduates with a degree in philosophy must have very wealthy parents who can support them through their lifelong unemployment.

A study has found a link between college students’ majors and their parents’ income. Mostly meaning that any students with majors like law or medicine that requires postgraduate education are being dropped off at school every morning in a limousine.

An opening date for the movie “Jurassic World” has already been set for June 22, 2018. If that was an Adam Sandler film, it would mean the screenwriters would have to start work on June 21, 2018.

An opening date for the movie “Jurassic World” has already been set for June 22, 2018. If producers for a “Star Wars” or “Star Trek” movie  did that there would immediately be lines of people dressed as Cylon warriors at every movie theater in the country.

United Airlines reported a record quarterly profit of $1.2 Billion. The company attributes their success to more efficiency, fewer frills and fuel savings from not having any planes that have actually taken off on a flight in the past two years.

A report says that 86% of Etsy businesses are owned by women. Business experts were surprised at the other 14%. They had no idea any men had ever even heard of Etsy.

AT&T is planning to boost activation fees for new customers. Which wouldn’t be a problem for most people if it meant that doing it would actually guarantee their AT&T device would become active when they try to use it.

Buick is launching a new plan called the “24 Hours of Happiness Test Drive” which allows prospective buyers to try out a car for a full day. As opposed to Chrysler owners who are happy if their car makes it 24 hours without needing to call roadside assistance.

Buick is launching a new plan called the “24 Hours of Happiness Test Drive” which allows prospective buyers to try out a car for a full day. The only question is whether the name for the promotion came from Madison Avenue or off some Buick executive’s fortune cookie.

Donald Trump says Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” wants him on as a guest. Although from a ratings standpoint, Comedy Central executives would rather sign him on as permanent co-host.

Donald Trump says “The Daily Show” wants him on as a guest. Mostly the writing staff who know they would get a day off because no one could ever write anything as comically bizarre as an hour of Donald Trump in front of a camera.

Google says it is testing self-driving cars in tricky road situations. For instance, they want to test the car in real Los Angeles conditions such as knowing directions to Dodger Stadium and also to make sure to drop the passengers off in the third inning and come back to pick them back up in the sixth.

Moody’s is admitting it miscalculated subprime bond ratings seven years ago. Apparently they wanted to just be sure and hold off on announcing the mistake until the last home with a subprime loan from 2008 had finally gone through foreclosure.

Carnival Cruise Lines has settled a claim over discrimination against people with disabilities. Apparently Carnival thought it was enough to equip all their wheelchairs with a sail and rudder for when the ship inevitably goes down.

Carnival Cruise Lines has settled a claim over discrimination against people with disabilities. Part of the suit was to lower the height of the railings so people in wheelchairs have the same opportunity to lean over the side of the ship to get sick.

A report says that Comcast is not suffering from the effects of cord cutting as fast as expected. Mostly because the company is telling customers the earliest they can have someone come over for a disconnect is some time in 2018.

A report says bad road conditions cost drivers an average of $516 a year in repairs. Which is good news for Chrysler owners who usually expect to spend at least $2,500 a year in repairs.

Tom Brady is leading the NFL in merchandise sales. In fact, he is so popular that Nike is considering starting a line of shoes called “No Air Bradys.”

A survey lists the top regrets of wealthy people. Which was from the ones who are serving time for what they did to get rich whose only regret was “getting caught.”

A report says the number of people seeking unemployment aid in the U.S. is at the lowest level in 42 years. Economists were surprised. Was there was a depression everyone forgot about back in 1973?

Comcast reports for the first time ever they have more Internet customers than TV subscribers. Mostly from men who figure why pay to watch “The Kardashians” on TV when they can see all kinds of pictures of Kim Kardashian naked online?

An e-cigarette like device lets people inhale caffeine. Apparently it is a lot less messy and painful than when they tried to put one end of a straw in a Starbucks double espresso and the other end in their nose.

Legislators and doctors are calling on pharmaceutical companies to justify soaring drug prices. To which the pharmaceutical company CEOs are saying that they aren’t just giving away those vacation homes in the Hamptons.

A study says the number of teens having sex is at its lowest since the 1980s. Which means that smartphones have finally done what TV and video games couldn’t, take more of teenage boys attention than girls.

Scientists are developing a pill that would let people who are on gluten-free diets eat pasta. The research is being done with a grant from the government, medical schools and Olive Garden.

A study says that e-cigarettes are just as addictive as tobacco cigarettes. Although vaping won’t really be accepted as trendy until it actually requires that it makes people spend time in rehab.

Studies say that exercise cuts down on symptoms of Alzheimer’s Disease. Except when the exercise is walking around the parking lot for three hours trying to remember where you parked the car.

After reports that a major earthquake is inevitable in Washington, the Seattle Times says people are buying up earthquake survival kits. Which in Seattle is 200 bags of Starbucks and a solar powered Keurig.

The National Association of Theater Owners says the average movie ticket price last year was $8.61. Which was nothing compared to the average cost of $53 at the concession stand for a popcorn, soft drink and box of Milk Duds.

A new Dr. Suess book, “What Pet Should I Get?” will be published next week, nearly 25 years after the author’s death. The good news is that it still comes out in time to make it onto the summer book reading list of George W. Bush.

A new Dr. Suess book, “What Pet Should I Get?” will be published next week, nearly 25 years after the author’s death. Dr. Suess’ popularity evident by the fact he was way ahead of his time. He was rhyming before anyone ever heard of Eminem.

The University of Texas has stopped giving free meals to coaches and assistants in student dining halls in order to save the school $300,000 a year. The school thought the savings would be better used by the athletic department for equipment, scholarships and bail money.

Golfer Robert Allenby fired his caddy in the middle of the round while on his way to shooting an 81. At least Tiger Woods had the decency to let Stevie Williams go before he quit breaking 80.

Golfer Robert Allenby fired his caddy in the middle of the round while on his way to shooting an 81. After which his caddy tried to make up by inviting him out for some drinks at a wine bar.

A report says that drug testing may come to video gaming competitions. Apparently there have been rumors of steroids ever since some of the gamers showed up to matches with thumbs the size of biceps.

A report says that drug testing may come to video gaming competitions. So far three of the gamers have tested positive for Doritos, Oreos and Papa John’s.

Three Estonians have been jailed for a malware spree that infected 4 Million computers. Industry experts were shocked. When did Estonia get the Internet?

AT&T reported adding 2.1 Million new customers, mostly through tablets and cars. Communications experts were surprised. There were 2.1 Million people who have never heard what it’s like to be with AT&T?

AT&T reported adding 2.1 Million new customers, mostly through connected cars. Which will work for Chrysler car owners who will be able to call for a tow truck after they push their car three miles to a place where they can actually get an AT&T connection.

Youtube cofounder Chad Hurley has endorsed a paid version of the video site. Mostly because he knows people will shell out all kinds of cash the minute you start talking about taking away their ability to watch unlimited cat videos.

Donald Trump says his relationship with Hispanics is “very good.” In fact, he intends to give Hispanics all kinds of jobs, mainly with low wage construction helping to build the fence that will keep them on their side of the border.

Jeb Bush is being criticized for saying we should “phase out” Medicare. Or as that appears on a political speech translator, “I would like everyone who is 55 or older to just vote for anyone else.”

Jeb Bush is being criticized for saying we should “phase out” Medicare. Which is pretty much the same as saying he should just phase out any chances he has of getting into the White House.

Donald Trump says he backs legal immigration. Just as long as it involves foreigners immigrating back to their own countries.

Ohio Governor John Kasich says he’ll have “no problem standing out.” Which is good because when the first Republican presidential debate takes place with the top ten candidates, left standing out of the auditorium is exactly where he will be.

President Obama told a group of teenagers that he is proof they can achieve anything in life if they try hard enough. Although most teens look up more to George W. Bush who shows they can achieve anything in life while not doing anything.

Donald Trump is threatening a run for President as an independent. Which would be a good fit as his campaign is independent of thought, policies or ideas.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I would just like to take this time to send out some thanks to Donald Trump for making slow news days go by much faster. When there is a lack of material for jokes, all it takes is one speech by Trump and the writer’s block just seems to disappear. The only problem is that if he is elected I will enjoy the continued supply of material but I would miss the country. I guess 200 plus years has to be considered a pretty good run. I hope you all have a good weekend and enjoy the U.S. while it is still here. And oh yes, make sure to remember to always send the love!

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump says he will “change his tone” as President. When he is elected, he is planning to go from apoplectic to just rabid.

Donald Trump says he will “change his tone” as President. Mostly in an attempt to appease the five countries that he will have insulted enough to want to declare war against us.

A study says that poor sleep is tied to some types of cancer. That’s not going to make it any easier for people to have a restful night.

The favorability ratings of Pope Francis I have been falling in the U.S. Not only that, but Donald Trump says if he is elected President and the Pope tries to come into the U.S. he will have him deported.

The favorability ratings of Pope Francis I have been falling in the U.S. It’s pretty obvious why. Just look at our political debates for President and it is clear that we are no longer paying attention to anyone who is preaching peace and love.

Donald Trump says presidential candidate Rick Perry started wearing glasses so people would think he is smart. Trump has taken another route, trying to make people think he loves animals by wearing that squirrel on his head.

A study says that one bad night’s sleep can damage a person’s DNA. Just look at what one late night party at the Kardashian house did to Bruce Jenner.

California Governor Jerry Brown issued a climate change warning saying that it could lead to extinction. That could be a bit premature as Californians are resilient. Where else could people survive with no water, bad air and sheds that cost $800,000?

A report says that turmoil in China’s stock market is taking a psychological toll on investors. Or as we call it in the U.S., “Pets.com-itis.”

A scientist in Australia is warning the world to “think twice” before responding to alien signals from outer space as they could be much more advanced. Apparently he is worried that the same thing might happen in outer space as on Earth if they find out we have oil.

Donald Trump is set to visit the Mexican border. His latest plan is to put up “One Way” signs pointing south on all roads going across the line.

New York is planning to raise the minimum wage for fast food workers to $15 an hour. Now all the people there have to do is figure out how to get transportation every day to work from the closest place they will still be able to afford to live in Ohio.

New York is planning to raise the minimum wage for fast food workers to $15 an hour. All that’s left for fast food workers now is to figure out is a way to work all 8,760 hours in each year to make enough money at that wage to afford to live in New York.

A study says that phone notifications are just as distracting as texts and calls. Especially when the notifications are for calls and texts that were missed because the user was too busy calling and texting.

Senator Lindsey Graham released a video showing him destroying his cellphone with a golf club, chainsaw and baseball bat after Donald Trump gave out his personal number. Or as most other people would have done, he could have called his carrier and had them change numbers.

Senator Lindsey Graham released a video showing him destroying his cellphone with a golf club, chainsaw and baseball bat after Donald Trump gave out his personal number. Or as most people call that, using AT&T service for more than a week.

A fire broke out on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship near Jamaica. Financial experts immediately started speculating it signaled a possible merger between Royal Caribbean and Carnival.

The University of California is planning to raise their minimum wage to $15 an hour. Which puts workers in line to make as much money as someone who has a UC bachelor’s degree.

The federal government is accusing Discover of illegal practices with student loans. People were surprised. There are schools higher up than community colleges that accept Discover?

The FEC says that Donald Trump is worth at least $1.5 Billion, while he claims to be worth $10 Billion. The confusing part is that there are people panhandling by freeway onramps who can afford a better haircut.

The FEC says that Donald Trump is worth at least $1.5 Billion, while he claims to be worth $10 Billion. He figures if the federal government can say it is solvent with a $17 Trillion debt, why can’t he be able to make up his own financial situation?

A strike by workers at JFK and LaGuardia airports in New York was averted at the last minute. That means fliers won’t face any delays other than the six hours it takes to get through Manhattan traffic and three hours getting past the TSA security check.

McDonald’s says it may start offering all day breakfast nationwide by October. That will finally take care of the cravings of the people who have never been able to experience the taste sensation of washing down an Egg McMuffin with a chocolate shake.

Coca-Cola says that Diet Coke sales have been dropping as customers are gravitating towards foods they feel are fresh. Why they don’t consider a product made of water, carbonation, artificial coloring and chemical sweeteners as fresh is still anyone’s guess.

The CDC says that U.S. teens are waiting longer to have sex. Mostly because they know if they wait they can skip past “Teen Mom” and instead have a shot at “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

The CDC says that U.S. teens are waiting longer to have sex. Mostly because they know if they wait until they are famous they have a much better chance at being able to get top dollar for their sex tape.

LeBron James has signed a TV and movie deal with Warner Brothers. He is already the executive producer of the Starz show “Survivor’s Remorse.” Which is also the working title of a TV movie about his decision to move back to Cleveland.

Rapper Flavor Flav was arrested for DUI in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, the clock hanging around his neck was still set to Eastern Daylight Time and he had no idea it was already past closing time.

Rapper Meek Mill says that Drake doesn’t write his own rap lyrics. People were shocked. Someone actually writes those words down?

 Rapper Meek Mill says that Drake doesn’t write his own rap lyrics. Apparently he needs to bring in a much more literary wordsmith who knows exactly the right instances to use “bitch slap,” “ho” and “pop a cap” to make a song really bring a meaning to the listener.

Chris Brown was delayed trying to leave Manila after being accused of fraud. Apparently it has something to do with selling tickets to his performances where he listed himself as both a “singer” and “entertainer.”

Prince George celebrated his second birthday this weekend. Before going out in public, the Royal nannies changed his diaper and spoon fed him his breakfast. Which coincidentally is exactly the same way that Prince Charles has celebrated every one of his birthdays.

Three University of Arkansas basketball players were arrested for forgery after being caught passing out counterfeit bills. Apparently they weren’t from Arkansas and had no idea that currency was only valid if it was embossed with a picture of Jefferson Davis.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says he has “no doubt” the league could see a female head coach. Although there would have been a much better chance if Donald Sterling was still running the Clippers.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says the NBA may not guarantee a playoff birth for division winners. That way it could make more room for one of the three teams that currently don’t qualify to make it into the postseason.

A report says that the Apple Watch owns 75% of the smart watch market. That means that one of the four people who actually went out and bought a smart watch actually found one that was made by someone other than Apple.

A report says that the Apple Watch owns 75% of the smart watch market. The other 25% pretty much have the same thing by attaching their cellphone to their wrist with rubber bands.

Starbucks says it will join with ride-hailing service Lyft to offer incentives to customers. Mostly for the people who use both because after paying for their daily large mocha latte don’t have enough money to be able to afford a car of their own.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says that global warming is real and not science fiction. Which is pretty much exactly the opposite description of everything he did as California Governor that the state is still trying to fix.

Twitter says a frat themed party held while in the middle of a gender discrimination suit was “in poor taste.” Or as frat themed activities are usually called in Silicon Valley, “office hours.”

Amazon says it is expanding its home services business to 15 new cities where people can connect with plumbers, electricians, cleaners and other workers. The only awkward part is having to wait for the workers to be delivered by Amazon drones.

Amazon says it is expanding its home services business to 15 new cities where people can connect with plumbers, electricians, cleaners and other workers. People can even hire workers to help them assemble all the cheap crap they bought on Amazon.

A study says that consumers are browsing but not buying items with their mobile devices. Which apparently is much more convenient than their old habit of going to retail stores to browse and not buy anything.

A congressional bill is proposing to give the DHS more authority to protect .gov websites. Which ironically was asked for in the first place by the Obamacare website from all the attacks they have had to endure from Congress.

The NHTSA chief says self-driving cars must be able to fend off hackers before they are allowed to take to the roads en masse. Before they do that they still have to learn how to avoid the person in the next lane who is swerving across three lanes of traffic while texting and taking selfies.

A study says that many patients suffering from chronic pain aren’t telling their doctors they are using alternate therapies like acupuncture and chiropractic work. Mostly because they still want to keep their prescriptions for pain pills so they can sell them to pay for all the other treatments.

A report says that the productivity of Congress is on the rise. Mostly because with half of Congress running for President, that gives the other half a chance to actually get something done at the office.

A report says that the productivity of Congress is on the rise. Which is bad news as who wants the people who put us $17 Trillion in the hole coming up with ways to spend even more money?

A man was arrested for carrying a loaded gun near an event attended by Joe Biden. Authorities were concerned that since Biden was scheduled to speak he was already in danger enough of shooting himself in the foot.

Senator Lindsey Graham says that Donald Trump is “a guy melting down.” Which most people say his hairstyle actually reminds them more of a guy who has an ice cream cone on his head that is melting down.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. I must say I am disappointed in your helping spread the word about the jokes. My plan to have you double the number of people every day you tell about the blog should have already achieved my goal of 7 Billion daily readers, a number I am short of by just under 7 Billion readers. I am afraid I am going to have to crack down on you, so let’s get going! There. I hate to be the bad guy but it needed to be done. You can make it up to me by starting to tell everyone you know to check out the site every day, and by of course always remembering to send the love!

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Security workers and baggage handlers at JFK and LaGuardia airports in New York are set to go on strike. Which means with them out of the way some of the flights may now actually be able to take off on time.

Security workers and baggage handlers at JFK and LaGuardia airports in New York are set to go on strike. Or as United Airlines calls sudden and complete work stoppages at airports, “Wednesday.”

Researchers are working on a tool that will brighten clouds that could reflect enough of the Sun’s energy to combat global warming. The only other way to reflect anywhere near that much sunlight would be to have Tom Cruise keep smiling up towards the sky.

A new vulnerability lets attackers hijack Chryslers over the web. Which the Chrysler owners would actually appreciate if the hackers could figure out a way to do it and get their car started in the process.

An FCC commissioner is “outraged” over alleged fraud, waste and abuse with a government cellphone program. If the government wanted the poor to suffer this much over cellphones they would have worked out a deal to have them supplied by AT&T.

A study says the probability of obese people reaching a “normal” weight is less than 1%. Of course, just by looking around all they need to do is wait a few more years and by then obese will be considered normal weight.

A study says the probability of obese people reaching a “normal” weight is less than 1%. Mostly because 1% is about the number of Americans who are still hanging on to what is considered being a normal weight.

Colorado’s first ad for recreational marijuana has been pulled because of legal concerns. Mostly complaints from other advertisers who say the pot commercials will be like giving free advertising time to pizzerias, Doritos and Krispy Kreme.

Colorado’s first ad for recreational marijuana has been pulled because of legal concerns. Not only that, but the ads were basically just of some guy with red eyes looking into the camera saying “Uhhhhhhhh...”

A report says that more American children are now living in poverty than before the Great Recession. Which could just happen to be on account of we are still stuck in the  Great Recession.

A report says that more American children are now living in poverty than before the Great Recession. Which means when it comes to poverty, we have finally worked out a program that could be accurately called No Child Left Behind.

A federal appeals court has ruled that it is OK for people to record calls when they have been “butt dialed.” Which is just another legal setback for Kim Kardashian.

A federal appeals court has ruled that it is OK for people to record calls when they have been “butt dialed.” Which means those justices must now be convinced it was worth going through law school and sitting all those years on the bench to get to make landmark decisions like this.

A federal appeals court has ruled that it is OK for people to record calls when they have been “butt dialed.” Until now, people who heard something unpleasant on the phone were just told to turn the other cheek.

A federal appeals court has ruled that it is OK for people to record calls when they have been “butt dialed.” The ruling was referring to all telemarketing calls from the Donald Trump for President campaign.

A report says the high cost of auto insurance is forcing half the people in Detroit to drive without coverage. Which is not that big of a deal since anyone driving a car who parks it out on the street more than a half hour won’t have any wheels left to drive on anyways.

A report says the high cost of auto insurance is forcing half the people in Detroit to drive without coverage. Which is not much of a concern since it’s not like there are enough people still living in the city that anyone could hit in the first place.

A California man claims to have eaten at Chipotle Mexican Grill 153 straight days. Health officials are not concerned yet, as opposed to anyone who is put on suicide watch after eating more than three days straight at Taco Bell.

Ohio Governor John Kasich has announced he is joining the race for the Republican nomination for President. Although so far he has scared off more than a few supporters with his campaign slogan “Vote for the man who can make all of America just like Cleveland.”

A Senate bill is seeking protection for car owners from digital attacks. Especially GM vehicle owners who are worried they will not have access to Wi-Fi so they can listen to music while they wait for the tow truck to pick up their car for the latest recall.

A report says that two thirds of Americans can’t guess what their Social Security benefits will be within 25%. Mostly because two thirds of Americans will have to keep working past retirement age no matter how much Social Security is paying them.

Donald Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham’s personal cellphone number after Graham called him a “Jackass.” Graham was livid, not because Trump gave out his number but because no one actually bothered to try to call him.

Data says that Millennials make a bit more money at the same age than Gen Xers. Which shows there are some benefits from the recent increases in the minimum wage.

Citigroup has been ordered to pay $770 Million for deceptive marketing and unfair billing practices with their credit cards. Who do they think they are, some kind of bank?

Scientists say people may have a “sixth” taste for fatty foods. Which is no surprise since most people already have a sixth sense to find any unhealthy fatty food that is available anywhere within a two hour drive.

Scientists say people may have a “sixth” taste for fatty foods. Which goes along with the other five tastes of sugar, salt, pizza, McDonald’s and beer.

A study says that bystanders can save lives by performing CPR on those suffering cardiac arrest. The only trick is getting anyone to look up from their cellphone long enough to see the person they are tripping over might need some help.

A study says that rats who are given acupuncture treatments show fewer signs of anxiety and depression. Especially when they find out the treatments are covered under their health plan.

A study says that rats who are given acupuncture treatments show fewer signs of anxiety and depression. And the number one cause of anxiety and depression for rats is being kept in a cage and having someone constantly sticking them with needles.

A study says that men tend to gain three to five pounds after becoming new fathers. Which is a survival instinct since they know they won’t be able to eat for days at a time once they start helping out changing diapers.

A study says that women with mild memory problems worsen faster than men. The first sign that women’s memory loss is becoming serious is when they actually start to forget some of the things their husbands have ever done wrong.

A study says that robots have been involved in 144 surgery deaths over the past 14 years. Although at least half of those were patients jumping out of the hospital window when they found out a robot was going to be cutting into them for prostate surgery.

A study says that kids with psychiatric problems may face health, legal and financial struggles as adults. Which is good news as most people see health, legal and financial struggles are the true signs that someone has finally achieved success.

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert had their divorce finalized just hours after their breakup announcement. Apparently both wanted it to be official so they could have the material right away for the next batch of country songs they are writing.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says there is “no timeline” on the Tom Brady appeal over “Deflategate.” Which means the final decision could come some time right around the time of Brady’s retirement.

Florida State University says it is “stepping up” its process of educating players about domestic violence. How about first of all telling the players to just not do it?

Florida State University says it is “stepping up” its process of educating players about domestic violence. Mostly by telling them that the only way to get away with that is by stepping up and making it into the NFL.

Barry Bonds says he is “relieved and humbled” after the Department of Justice dropped their criminal case of obstruction of justice charges against him. Justice Department lawyers dropped the case because they know they will never get another success like hearing Barry Bonds say he was actually humbled.

The Justice Department has approved the proposed merger between AT&T and DirecTV. At least this way government regulators can make it easier by consolidating all the complaints about the terrible service from both companies into just one account.

Infidelity website Ashley Madison is offering to delete users’ profiles for free. That’s the easy part. The hard part is when their wives find out and they know it will outlast every other recollection in their memory for the rest of eternity.

Infidelity website Ashley Madison is offering to delete users’ profiles for free. That’s the easy part. Which is nothing compared to when their wives find out and the fee automatically goes up to half of everything they own.

A study says that high temperatures make some lizards change sexes. Which means this whole Caitlyn Jenner thing could have been avoided if someone in the Kardashian house had just turned down the A/C a bit more.

Apple has hired a former Chrysler executive for their rumored car making team. Apparently Apple is worried that Microsoft and Chrysler were going to team up and make a perfect match. A Chrysler that runs off Windows Vista.

Infidelity website Ashley Madison may have to drop a planned IPO that was expected to bring in $200 Million. Which they may now only be able to raise by beating their hackers to the punch and blackmailing all their customers themselves.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech in Detroit where she says she wants to be the “small business President.” Or as people in Detroit know small businesses, what’s left of the Big Three automakers.

The wind industry won a key victory in the Senate for tax credits. And what better place for an industry that thrives off wind to go for help than a place that is second to none for producing it?

President Obama says that new citizens can skip pledging taking up arms to defend the U.S. Mostly because they have already succeeded in getting past all the people taking up arms along the border trying to keep them out in the first place.

Donald Trump says he will win the Hispanic vote. At least the three who will still be eligible to stay in the country after he is elected President.

Kylie Jenner has revealed she has just graduated high school. Her half-sister Kim Kardashian had already graduated years ago under the government program Children With a Huge Behind.

Kylie Jenner has revealed she has just graduated high school. She credits her high school education with making her a rich celebrity. That’s where one of her friends showed her how to shoot and post a selfie.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Republican field for presidential candidates is now up to 16. Which shows what is wrong with the party when you have that many people from different backgrounds and the leading contender for the voters is Donald Trump. We are doomed as a country. But at least if you read this blog, you might get in a few laughs to ease the pain. Mostly at the expense of the Republican candidates. I will never ask you for your vote or your contributions. All you need to do to make me feel like I won at the polls is to keep on sending the love!