Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The first presidential debate took place last night. So far there has been no word on moderator Lester Holt’s condition after being run over by both candidates.

The first presidential debate took place last night. If Donald Trump sniffed one more time while talking, Hillary was going to give him her remedy to keep from catching pneumonia.

The first presidential debate took place last night. At least it started as a debate. About half way through the last few letters of “debate” were changed to turn it into “debacle.”

Donald Trump has been endorsed by the union representing the country’s immigration officers. Mostly because the workers like the idea of not having to chase any more immigrants through the Arizona desert once that wall is built.

A woman at an Austrian airport was discovered to be boarding a plane carrying her dead husband’s entrails. Apparently it was a mixup, that she misheard it when someone told her planes were responsible for all the contrails.

A report says roller coasters could be used as a way to treat kidney stones. Mostly at Disney World where a person with kidney stones is forced to wait in line three hours for a ride, by the time they get to the bathroom the resulting pressure would be enough to take out a boulder.

A report says Congress wants the TSA besides airports to secure travel on trains and buses as well. Which sounds unnecessary, as even terrorist groups can’t find any recruits who can be talked into taking a trip on Amtrak or Greyhound.

Researchers say that sex makes men more likely to be religious. Especially the ones who believe if they live a good life and pray enough they will one day have the chance to be with Kate Upton.

Researchers say that sex makes men more likely to be religious. Especially when they are in bed with a woman who spends the whole time yelling “Oh, God!”

A lawyer says Mexican drug kingpin El Chapo is being tortured in prison. To which most people around the world when hearing the news said “So, (yawn) what’s for dinner tonight?”

A study says the U.S. is falling short of its goals to cut pollution. Especially at last night’s presidential debate where there was a enough hot air emitted to melt the ice at both poles.

A study says the U.S. is falling short of its goals to cut pollution. However, it’s just a matter of time before China and India take our last few remaining manufacturing jobs and we won’t have any more of those smoky old factories to deal with.

China’s self-proclaimed most charismatic philanthropist is being accused of falsifying and exaggerating his donations. Which means if China is anything like the U.S., he will soon be announcing his candidacy to be their next President.

A blind hoarder in New York was discovered to have lived with her dead son for the past 20 years. Being blind, she says she just thought he had been watching too much TV and really needed to take a shower.

Soccer organization FIFA is being criticized for disbanding their anti-racism task force. Apparently they found there is no racism in soccer, that no matter what their ethnicity soccer officials will take just about any bribe they are offered.

The FBI says that violent crime in the U.S. was up last year. Which they say could have been even worse except that the Trump and Clinton campaigns agreed to never hold their campaign rallies simultaneously in the same city.

A report says Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf will walk away from the bank with $100 Million even if he is fired over the phony accounts scandal. Which means these scams will keep on happening until the banks get rid of their phony executives.

A report says Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf will walk away from the bank with $100 Million even if he is fired over the phony accounts scandal. The sad part is that Wells Fargo customers don’t even have a combined $100 Million in their real accounts.

The man who invented the 401(k) retirement account says he created a “monster.” Mostly in that his plan put the idea into the heads of millions of people that they would be able to save enough in their account to someday actually be able to retire.

Social media site Snapchat reports it now has 60 Million daily users. Which explains why unemployment numbers are going back up as there are now at least 60 Million Americans who have nothing better to do all day than post and look at selfies.

A forecast says that if Donald Trump becomes President, stocks will tank. Which is bad news for the 300 wealthiest Americans who are the only ones with enough money to still be in the market.

A forecast says that if Donald Trump becomes President, stocks will tank. Others disagree, saying if they survived last night’s presidential debate there is nothing that can bring them down.

A report says that Mylan’s profits from their EpiPen medical device are actually 60% higher than they told Congress because they used a 37.5% tax rate in their example. Which everyone knows is 37.5% higher than the rate any corporation pays in taxes.

Wells Fargo employees say the bank was pushing phony accounts even before 2011. Which makes sense since no one had enough money to put into any real accounts since Wells Fargo helped crash the economy in 2007.

A report says marijuana arrests in the U.S. have fallen to the lowest level since 1996. People were surprised. Who was still dumb enough be caught by the police with any pot on them after the 1960s?

A push is on to make drone racing an Olympic sport. If that doesn’t work there is still beer bottle cap tossing, hacky sack and foosball.

A study says that 90% of U.S. teens don’t get enough exercise. The other 10% still get in some activity when they are running down the hallways trying to keep the local bully from giving them an atomic wedgie.

A study says that 90% of U.S. teens don’t get enough exercise. The other 10% don’t get any exercise at all.

A study says that morning sickness may be a sign of a healthy pregnancy. Except when the daily throwing up happens after the baby is born and is a result of the hospital bills starting to arrive.

A study says that teens with a good diet tend to gain less weight as adults. Which is good news for all three of the U.S. teenagers who still eat healthy.

A study says sitting for three hours or more a day is responsible for 433,000 deaths every year around the world. Especially when the sitting is being done by hospital workers who are posting on Facebook instead of looking after their patients.

San Diego is going to make a miniature version of the city as it was in the 1950s to make Alzheimer’s Disease patients feel more comfortable. Or they could just wait until Donald Trump becomes President and the entire country goes back to 1957.

A study says happy people make their spouses healthier. Mostly because the last thing the unhappy ones want is for their spouses to be able to make them miserable for an even longer amount of time.

A study says a blood test could help doctors tailor treatments for patients with depression. At least until the blood test results show that they have Hepatitis C, the Zika virus and a drug-resistant strain of gonorrhea.

Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas were trapped in an elevator in Los Angeles for more than four hours. It would have been a much shorter time but firefighters made them sit and listen to elevator music for three extra hours saying “How do YOU like it?”

“Dirty Jobs” star Mike Rowe says he almost shot down a drone until he thought that he might be labeled as an “angry B-list celebrity.” People were surprised. When did Mike Rowe get moved up from the D-list?

Former WWE star Kurt Angle says at one point he was taking 65 Vicodin pills a day. Who did he think he was, a typical WWE fan?

Former WWE star Kurt Angle says at one point he was taking 65 Vicodin pills a day. And that was just to deal with the way he felt after telling someone he was in the WWE.

A California law will prohibit IMDb and other sites from revealing the age and birth dates of celebrities. The only problem is the sites can still give away how old they are by listing the number of plastic surgery procedures they have had.

Journalists at the presidential debate were hit with a $200 bill from Hofstra University to use the school’s Wi-Fi system. Which was gladly paid by reporters so they could spend their time there keeping themselves awake playing Pokemon Go.

Microsoft has committed to running its data centers off 50% renewable energy by 2018. Industry experts think that is a bit of a stretch. Mostly because they don’t think Microsoft has a chance of keeping their doors open through the middle of 2017.

Microsoft has committed to running its data centers off 50% renewable energy by 2018. Although that still isn’t as good as any computers that run off Windows Vista that have sat there without using any electricity at all since 2007.

A British insurance company says 2.5 Million Lego bricks have been flushed down English toilets. Which is nothing compared to what has gone into British plumbing over the years from a population that regularly eats haggis.

Scientists have discovered a new species of ants in the vomit of a poisonous Ecuadoran frog. Researchers celebrated the find by asking themselves “We went to college for eight years to look through frog vomit?”

A paper says the world’s oldest melody at was found in Syria dating back 3,500 years. Apparently its original use was the theme song for Larry King’s first radio program.

A paper says the world’s oldest melody at was found in Syria dating back 3,500 years. The bad part is that the composer is suing the writers of “Blurred Lines” for copyright infringement.

A fertility Fitbit reportedly shows women when they are the most fertile. Which is usually right around the time they go on a date with Kevin Federline.

A fertility Fitbit reportedly shows women when they are the most fertile. Then all they need to do is drink enough alcohol, wait nine months and they have a baby.

Donald Trump lambasted Hillary Clinton for attacking his path to success. How dare she criticize the time-honored tradition of inheritance.

Green Party nominee Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra University campus after trying to be included in the presidential debate. To which most viewers said if only they could have done the same thing to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

A poll says Americans are less sure they will vote in the presidential election. Mostly just so they can rest more easily knowing they weren’t responsible for whoever is the winner.

A poll says Americans are less sure they will vote in the presidential election. In fact, people are so unsure they are ordering bumper stickers that say “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For ____________(fill in the blank).”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the world of sports that I am sure you have heard by now. Golfing legend Arnold Palmer has died at age 87. He was the King and although many other greats have come and gone, none will surpass Arnie. Part of the reason I took up golf was because of Palmer. He showed that even if you had a less than perfect swing and didn’t come from a wealthy background, you could make it in golf. If you were Arnold Palmer. I read all the time where the Silicon Valley billionaires are investing a fortune into medicine so they can increase their life expectancy to be able to spend all their money. Let me tell them something. If Arnie wasn’t able to live forever, no one will. Although he will be immortal in the minds of anyone who has ever picked up a golf club. What better person to idolize than a millionaire sports star who still got in that old Pennzoil tractor for a few laps around the course? RIP, Arnie. You are already missed. Which means all of you need to make sure to yell “Fore!” when you remember to take the time today to keep on sending the love!


Sunday, September 25, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Kim Kardashian says she is “on the fence” about her vote for President after previously endorsing Hillary Clinton. That could change when Donald Trump demands she pays for the fence.

Kim Kardashian says she is “on the fence” about her vote for President after previously endorsing Hillary Clinton. Although it is going to have to be one strong fence if it will have to support that backside.

Kim Kardashian says she is “on the fence” about her vote for President after previously endorsing Hillary Clinton. The question remains is it more of a sign of the Apocalypse with Clinton running against Trump or that anyone cares how Kim Kardashian will be voting?

A lawyer is suing Emirates Airlines after a 9 hour flight where he was forced to sit next to an obese passenger. He had better be prepared that on any flights he takes with them in the future that he will be seated right next to a screaming baby.

A lawyer is suing Emirates Airlines after a 9 hour flight where he was forced to sit next to an obese passenger. Apparently the problem was that for 8 hours of the flight the passenger kept asking “Are you going to finish that bag of peanuts?”

A report from a White House Advisory Council says forensic evidence could be flawed. To which Bill Clinton is saying “Why couldn’t that council have figured that out when I was still President?”

A report from a White House Advisory Council says forensic evidence could be flawed. Which means Hollywood can be expected to come out with a new series titled “CSI…Oops!”

A report from a White House Advisory Council says forensic evidence could be flawed. Which means the title "CSI" really stands for “Categorically Sorry for your Incarceration.”

An Arkansas teenager has been charged with giving his 3 year old nephew marijuana to smoke. People in Arkansas were shocked. That teenager should have checked with his sister before he did anything like that to their baby.

North Korea has threatened the U.S. with “consequences beyond imagination.” Mostly because the nuclear stockpile they will supposedly unleash on us is all pretty much a figment of Kim Jong-un’s imagination.

Saturday was National Punctuation Day. Which for many people, anything grammatical is as enjoyable as getting a colon-oscopy.

Saturday was National Punctuation Day. Most! People? Had, no; “idea” what. That: even? Means.

A U.N. conference on endangered species is meeting in South Africa with deep divisions on how to go about protecting endangered elephants. Their main focus will be on the person who is the most likely to make the elephants in North America a thing of the past, Donald Trump.

Mexico Foreign Minister Claudia Ruiz Massieu says she will work with whomever becomes the next U.S. President. Donald Trump says he will also work with her, as long as that means she will pick up a shovel and some bricks to help build the wall.

The Trump Hotel chain has been fined $50,000 over a data breach involving 70,000 accounts. No one knows who is behind the hacking, but authorities are investigating the possibility it came from a private e-mail server in Chappaqua, New York.

The Trump Hotel chain has been fined $50,000 over a data breach involving 70,000 accounts. Although there is still no explanation why the breach involved every one of those 70,000 accounts making a donation to the Trump Foundation.

The recent price increase of the EpiPen is leading some people to try to make their own devices. The only problem is when it doesn’t work, doing the follow up surgery on themselves using the DIY instructions for a mirror and X-Acto knife.

A study says 88% of couples claim they don’t fight over money. Mostly because it’s only the other 12% who still actually have any cash.

Iran has begun their first web-based national census. The only problem is that authorities didn’t take into account the number of people with Internet access in Iran, which is why so far the national population estimate has come in at 3.

The Backstreet Boys have announced a Las Vegas residency at the AXIS at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino. The word is three of them will be assigned to the hotel’s wait staff with the other two interning at the front desk.

The Backstreet Boys have announced a Las Vegas residency at the AXIS at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino. Their performance will be called “Larger Than Life,” which takes its title from the band members spending the last three months at the hotel rehearsing with full access to the casino buffet.

The Backstreet Boys have announced a Las Vegas residency at the AXIS at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino. Who would have thought a boy band would end up as this generation’s version of Wayne Newton?

Moody’s has downgraded the credit rating of Turkey to junk status. Some economists were confused. “Junk status” for Turkey is a downgrade?

Snapchat is working to help register its users to vote in November. The only problem will be getting users to stop taking selfies and looking at videos of their friends long enough to actually go to the polls and vote.

Snapchat is working to help register its users to vote in November. The only problem is that followers aren’t sure if they should vote for Britney Spears, Justin Bieber or Kim Kardashian.

Yahoo is being sued for gross negligence by users over the hacking of a half billion of their accounts. Although they are more worried that their investors will sue for missing their chances to buy Google and Facebook when they were startups and instead deciding to create Flickr.

A city in China is urging families to procreate now as part of the government’s new two-child policy. Although it is tough to believe that a country with a billion people already is in any danger of having its population disappear any time soon.

A city in China is urging families to procreate now as part of the government’s new two-child policy. Apparently as it is they just can’t meet the need for the stream of new 6 year olds to keep up with the shift work at all the new Nike factories.

A Wisconsin teacher donated a kidney to one of her 2nd grade students. Mostly as a reward for being the only student in the class who could correctly spell “kidney.”

British researcher David Nutt says he has developed a compound called “Alcosynth” that can get people drunk without the hangover. Which means the only headache men will get following a night out at the bars will be from getting hit in the head with a frying pan by their wives when they catch them sneaking in at 4am.

Researchers say medical “tattoos” can be used to hide patients’ surgical scars. Which would be ironic when the reason for the surgery is complications from Hepatitis C caused from getting a real tattoo.
 
Several states are suing the maker of heroin addiction treatment drug Suboxone over trying to over-extend its monopoly. Which means the people trying to cure the addicts are using the same business model as the people who got them hooked.

Several states are suing the maker of heroin addiction treatment drug Suboxone over trying to over-extend its monopoly. The first clue something was wrong was when the company’s top executive went from being called “CEO” to “Kingpin.”

A study says chronic sleep problems are lined to disabilities later in life. Which is fine because when they are disabled they will have nothing to do all day and finally have the time to catch up on all that lost sleep.

An elementary school student in California has been diagnosed with leprosy. The other students were just relieved to find out the child also tested negative for cooties.

An elementary school student in California has been diagnosed with leprosy. The discovery was made when another student gave them a wedgie and literally had their ass handed to them.

An elementary school student in California has been diagnosed with leprosy. It was discovered when all the other kids kept mistaking them for one of the monsters they were trying to catch while playing Pokemon Go.

A study compared the proposed health care plans of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Researchers had only one question at the end of the study. Trump has a health care plan?

A study says heavy drinking can harm aging brains, affecting memory, attention and learning. Which is fine for most seniors who are saying once you reach a certain age who wants to remember the past, have to pay attention or learn anything new?

A study says heavy drinking can harm aging brains, affecting memory, attention and learning. As opposed to seniors who don’t drink who say what’s the difference?

Whoopi Goldberg says she will “probably not” return to “The View” after this season. People were surprised. “The View” is still on the air?

Whoopi Goldberg says she will “probably not” return to “The View” after this season. Mostly so she can finally look for a group to hang out with where she can get in a word edgewise.

FXX will run a 13 day marathon starting on Thanksgiving Day where they will show all 600 episodes of “The Simpsons” in chronological order. Which is fitting as for most viewers anything after about season five are pretty much just leftovers.

Writer James Patterson has canceled the release of his book “The Murder of Stephen King.” Apparently the novel dealt with when critics sat down to write their reviews of “The Tommyknockers.”

Farrah Abraham says she would be interested in a spinoff of “Teen Mom.” She thinks it would be nostalgic for MTV viewers, would keep people updated on what she is doing and would be a lot better than her current job waitressing at Hooters.

Farrah Abraham says she would be interested in a spinoff of “Teen Mom.” Apparently she figures it’s only a matter of time before her own daughter helps launch her into being “Teen Grandma.”

Joe Giudice from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is reportedly “miserable” behind bars after his fraud conviction. Although it can’t possibly be any worse than being surrounded for hours at a time during filming by the cast of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

Joe Giudice from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is reportedly “miserable” behind bars after his fraud conviction. How can any of those people live without having a camera in their face every time they turn around?

Joe Giudice from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is reportedly “miserable” behind bars after his fraud conviction. Apparently he had no idea that when he was paired with a 6’4” 250 pound cellmate that he would be the one who is now the real housewife.

Kevin Garnett says he is retiring from the NBA’s Minnesota Timberwolves. He reportedly then turned down an offer to play with the L.A. Clippers, saying “what’s the difference?”

Dodger Manager Dave Roberts says some of his players are frustrated with the playing time they are given. Mostly because they know once they reach the playoffs, their season will pretty much last just through the first three games.

The Navy has given Florida Atlantic University a $258,000 grant to study how fish swim to mimic their movements to enhance the motion of underwater vehicles and robot systems. Or they could take a shortcut and just watch all the videos from every one of Michael Phelps’ Olympic races.

The Navy has given Florida Atlantic University a $258,000 grant to study how fish swim to mimic their movements to enhance the motion of underwater vehicles and robot systems. Which was exactly the same amount of money it cost Ryan Lochte to wriggle his way out and get unhooked by the Brazilian justice system.

Facebook has apologized for exaggerating the number of view times of its videos. The good news is it means people spend only half their days instead of 90% of their time staring at videos of a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

Don King says Donald Trump is the only candidate who can fix the corrupt, racist, sexist, rigged system. King also admires Trump for being the one person who has no problem in going out in public with an even worse looking haircut.

Don King says Donald Trump is the only candidate who can fix the corrupt, racist, sexist, rigged system. Which is interesting coming from one person involved in boxing about the other who runs beauty pageants.

Cast members from “The West Wing” campaigned for Hillary Clinton in Ohio. That’s the problem with this election. People are taking their cues on how to vote based on whether they watch prime time TV dramas or reality shows.

A poll says that more than half of all Americans fear a Donald Trump presidency. The rest couldn’t take the survey because they were busy getting their passports in preparation for their move to another country.

A poll says that more than half of all Americans fear a Donald Trump presidency. Which is why he leads in the polls because the rest are terrified at the idea of President Hillary Clinton.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Monday night is the first presidential debate. Or as it is also going to be known one day, the beginning of the demise of the human race. There has already been a rumor that the first question that Donald Trump will ask of Hillary Clinton is “Can I get you a cough drop?” The question from Hillary Clinton’s side will be whether Trump realizes that this is the actual definition of reality TV. No matter how either of them does, all I am hoping for is that you all remember to make sure to always keep on sending the love!


Friday, September 23, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A bomb threat closed down a part of West Point this week. It’s just too bad there was no one around who might have been trained to deal with some sort of military style attack.

A report says in five years there will be freeways that don’t allow cars with drivers. Only then the meaning of “freeway” will be a highway free of road rage, confrontations and gunfire.

Stephen Hawking says we need to find aliens before they find us. To which Donald Trump says “too late.”

Scientists have discovered horses can communicate with people by pointing at signs. To which the horses are saying “What, do you think we were born in a barn?”

Scientists have discovered horses can communicate with people by pointing at signs. Usually the sign that says “…and the one of us you rode in on.”

A study says some people are genetically programmed to get depressed when they feel neglected. Apparently the study was based on the entire reason Donald Trump decided to make a run for President.

Pope Francis I says journalism based on gossip or rumors is a form of “terrorism.” Which explains why Bill O’Reilly was seen on the air last week having to say three Our Fathers and two Hail Marys.

Yahoo says 500 Million of its accounts were hacked in 2014. People were shocked at the news. There are 500 Million people who actually still have e-mail accounts with Yahoo?

Gerard Depardieu says France is populated with “imbeciles making wine and stinky cheese for tourists.” As opposed to when Depardieu still lived there when it had one more whiner who made stinky movies for filmgoers.

Gerard Depardieu says France is populated with “imbeciles making wine and stinky cheese for tourists.” To which he was immediately corrected in that it isn’t the cheese they are making that is stinky.

A report says ISIS wives are given suicide vests and machine guns as wedding gifts. Those weddings are the one where the bride wears something old, something new, something borrowed and something “Kaboom!”

A blackout in Puerto Rico left 1.5 Million customers without power. Or as the people of Puerto Rico know that, “Tuesday.”

A blackout in Puerto Rico left 1.5 Million customers without power. People were surprised. Usually a widespread blackout in Puerto Rico isn’t caused by the power company as much as the rum distilleries.

A study says the ice in Greenland is melting 7% faster than previously thought. People were surprised as the news. There is someone who actually thinks about how fast the ice is melting in Greenland?

A study says the ice in Greenland is melting 7% faster than previously thought. Now if they could just speed it up the other 93%, there might be something they could actually do with Greenland.

The Dali Lama did an impression of Donald Trump where he made fun of Trump’s hair and mouth. So at least now Trump has that going for him.

A study says that immigrants will contribute $2 Trillion to the U.S. GDP this year. Which ironically is exactly the same amount that Trump is planning to spend to send them all back across the border.

The IRS is warning of a scam where people are e-mailed to send an Obamacare-related payment. The IRS is telling people to ignore the requests as they are illegal, fraudulent and because the IRS wishes they had thought of it first.

The IRS is warning of a scam where people are e-mailed to send an Obamacare-related payment. That makes it almost as big a scam as Obamacare.

A survey says that atheists and agnostics don’t bother to go to the polls. That’s fine with Donald Trump who figures he isn’t going to get any votes from the people who don’t believe in him anyway.

The presidential debates are expected to pull in some of the biggest TV audiences ever. Imagine an event that will at one time attract the same kinds of crowds who faithfully watch "WWE Raw," “The Kardashians” and “Jerry Springer.”

A report says that falls are the number one cause of death and injury for people over age 65. Which is not good news for Hillary Clinton who is 68 and has seen her poll numbers go in a virtual free fall since the conventions.

A study says jumping on small trampolines is as good an exercise as running. Although others are not as convinced, saying that it has its up and downs.

A study says jumping on small trampolines is as good an exercise as running. To which runners defended their activity, saying when is the last time you saw someone out for a jog going to the ER after hitting their head on the ceiling?

Doctors are set to operate on a Chinese boy who was born with 15 fingers and 16 toes. The surgery is more for the benefit of his parents, who say they are exhausted just from going through one round of “This Little Piggy.”

Doctors are set to operate on a Chinese boy who was born with 15 fingers and 16 toes. Local school administrators asked for the procedure to keep him from having an unfair advantage all the way through the 3rd grade in arithmetic.

Scientists say an arthritis drug may help with a certain type of hair loss. The only problem is that the medication will give arthritis sufferers the flexibility to be able to pull their hair out after they get their monthly prescription bill.

A report says climate change may threaten the world’s coffee supply. To which people who are addicted to their morning cup say that is grounds for complete panic.

A report says climate change may threaten the world’s coffee supply. The good news is that is enough to make coffee addicts jittery enough even without getting their daily dose of caffeine.

A report says climate change may threaten the world’s coffee supply. The good news is it could make the price go up so much that even people who are brewing a cup at home will be able to have the same feeling of what it’s like to go to Starbucks.

The CDC says 12,000 Americans are infected each year for cat scratch disease. The CDC followed up the report by immediately putting Ted Nugent under quarantine.

A spider dropping from a rear view mirror caused an Oregon woman to run her car off the road and crash. Next time maybe she should just try stepping on it.

Doctors say that a drug-resistant strain of gonorrhea has shown up in Hawaii. Which was good news for the paparazzi who then immediately knew where Paris Hilton was spending her vacation.

Netflix says it wants 50% of its content to be made up of original programming. Not by making any more new shows but by cutting back the rest of their content to three episodes each of “Two Broke Girls,” “ALF” and “Mister Ed.”

J. Geils was arrested in Boston for DUI following an accident. The worst part was that the police kept playing “Freeze Frame” over and over while taking his mug shot.

A report says the four highest paid actors on TV are all on “The Big Bang Theory.” Which shows CBS is finally getting the most bang for their bucks.

A Twins relief pitcher allowed a run to score with a wild pitch during an intentional walk. It’s getting so bad there that the team is looking at offering a bullpen tryout to 50 Cent.

L.A.’s bid for the 20204 Olympics has expanded to include Anaheim and Long Beach. Although some people say the move reeks of tourism, especially with the proposed Triathlon starting with a run from the Matterhorn and finishing with a swim to the Queen Mary.

A study says children’s fingerprints don’t change from birth to 5 years of age. Which is really useful for people who are sparing no expense to find out who has been taking all the Oreos out of the cookie jar.

IBM is developing a computer chip that will reportedly be as decisive and intelligent as humans. Which sort of takes away the entire reason we saw the need to have computers in the first place.

IBM is developing a computer chip that will reportedly be as decisive and intelligent as humans. Although researchers say the only problem is that the chip only works for a few minutes before guiding the computer back to an Internet porn site.

Top Senate Democrats are saying that Russia’s intelligence agencies are trying to interfere with the November election. That’s absurd. What could they possibly do that would make our presidential election any more of a disaster than it is now?

The Yahoo hack of 500 Million accounts is said to be the largest in history. Which is what happens when you have a half billion people who are all lazy enough to keep their password “12345.”

Facebook and Twitter will both stream the upcoming presidential debate. The only problem is for people watching it on their smartphones who might find their devices might see Donald Trump’s hair and think they just captured Charizard.

A company is planning to release copies of the “golden record” launched into space on Voyager I and II 40 years ago. The recordings included Bach and Chuck Berry, sent to aliens as a “gift from humanity.” It’s just a good thing we avoided the risk of starting an intergalactic war by not being able to include anything from Kanye West.

The U.S. could demand a “black box” style crash recorders in driverless cars. Especially when there are accidents caused from the onboard computer being distracted after being sexted by Watson.

The U.S. could demand a “black box” style crash recorders in driverless cars. Although it might be a bit much. When is the last time you have ever heard of a Kia falling 30,000 feet out of the sky?

A study says pigeons can be taught to “read.” Which if true means we can immediately start posting signs on statues saying “Not here!”

Donald Trump is telling Hillary Clinton to give back the $550 she was donated by Anthony Weiner. To which Clinton claims the money was not a campaign donation but payment for her to look at all the pictures he sent along with it.

Donald Trump, Jr. defended his tweet which included a picture of Skittles. He should just let it go because using candy in a political statement leads to a comparison with the person who said “Life is like a box of chocolates…”

A poll says the number of Americans closely following politics has spiked. Mostly for the people who are trying to decide which country they will be moving to right after the election.

A poll says the number of Americans closely following politics has spiked. Mostly because it’s a lot more interesting, funny and easy to follow than even an episode of “The Kardashians.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday. That means the world is safe for only three more days and then it is the first presidential debate. The only question is which candidate will try to use a folding chair to hit the other one first? They should have just gone with the obvious and made the moderator for all the debates Geraldo Rivera. All I know is I will be watching, and I hope that you will have enough sanity left when it is done to remember to keep on sending the love!