Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new reality show will document answered prayers. If it really works, the show should be off the air after about two episodes.

A robot can perform brain surgery by going through a patient’s cheek. Going through the cheeks they sit on has always been the way to perform brain surgery on members of Congress.

A Saudi cleric says that Twitter is the “source of all evil.” Apparently he decided that shortly after accidentally becoming a follower of Kim Kardashian.

The poppy crop in Afghanistan is reportedly at an all time high even after the U.S. spent $7.6 Billion to try to eradicate the crop. Or as the military calls $7.6 Billion in Afghanistan, “Tuesday.”

Texas finished first in a ranking of best state for business. At least as long as the business is oil, guns or barbecue.

It has been ten years since a majority of Americans said the country was on the right track. The only question is if people thought things were good in 2004, how bad have they gotten now?

Anthony Weiner says he is committed to being the best house husband he can be. Mostly because any business that has women employees is way to afraid to let him get in on the company Twitter account.

Texas is opening a new Ebola healthcare facility. Apparently it is set up at the airport and immediately puts anyone showing symptoms on a direct flight to Liberia.

A paralyzed man is now able to walk after nasal cells were surgically implanted in his spine. The only problem is he had to pay through the nose for the treatment.

A paralyzed man is now able to walk after nasal cells were surgically implanted in his spine. The only problem is that every time he walks through dirt his feet start to sneeze.

Former CIA Director Leon Panetta clashed with the agency over parts of his memoirs. Mostly for the fact that every page is redacted in black marker except for the part that says his name is Leon Panetta.

Corrections officials in Baltimore say that protocol was breached with the release of a suspected murderer. Mostly the protocol that says to not release any murder suspects.

A study says that liberals are more likely to defriend any Facebook friends that have any opposing political viewpoints. Mostly because conservatives would never think of friending anyone who wasn’t a member of the Tea Party in the first place.

A 1976 Apple 1 Computer will be auctioned off for an expected $300,000-400,000. Which shows the “Apple tax” makes people overpay for Apple products even 40 years after they are off the market.

The International Labour Organization says that there are 21 Million victims of forced labor around the world. No one even knew there were that many employees working for 7-Eleven.

The FBI says that more than a half billion financial records were stolen by hackers in the past year. Which makes the FBI mad because they keep getting all the good stuff before the federal agents can get in to snoop on everyone’s information.

KFC says it is planning to open a shop in Myanmar next year. Just as soon as they can figure out how to make whatever meat they are eating in Myanmar taste kind of like chicken.

McDonald’s says it is revising its menu to try to revive sales which have dropped 30%. Hopefully the change will keep their customers around unlike the people who order off the current menu and never make it much past 40.

A motorcycle that is claimed to be the “Captain America” bike ridden by Peter Fonda in “Easy Rider” sold for $1.35 Million. Mostly because of the street value of the drugs that are still where Fonda hid them in the cycle’s gas tank.

Coca-Cola is promising cost cuts to stop profits from falling. Although it’s hard to figure out how to cut costs when the only ingredients in Coke are water, sugar and caramel coloring.

Scientists say they have found a method to restore hearing loss in mice. Which pretty much puts an end to any musicians who are still trying to write a follow up song called “Three Deaf Mice.”

A study says that Americans with children in the house younger than 18 tend to laugh and smile more that those with older children. Mostly because they aren’t yet getting college tuition bills or trying to kick them out from living in their basement.

Scientists say they have come up with a reason why some people are susceptible to Seasonal Affectation Disorder. Which apparently is because they haven’t figured out a way to move to either Florida or California yet.

A study is looking to find a genetic reason why people can’t stop drinking alcohol. The genetic reason is usually somehow tied to having a mother who won’t ever stop nagging their kids about school, their job or their salary.

A study says that Gladiators ate mostly a bean and grain diet. Which shows the real question that the other slaves didn’t jump up to say “I am Spartacus!” but instead “He who smelt it dealt it!”

Researchers say an implantable device could replace reading glasses. The only problem is that the scientists seem to have misplaced the device and just can’t seem to find it.

Utility workers in Louisiana have been indicted for failing to test water for a brain eating amoeba. Mostly because they watched a few episodes of “Duck Dynasty” and figured everyone in the state already has it.

A study says that binge drinking may boost the blood pressure in young men. Which is good because it is probably lowered by the fact that otherwise they just sit on the couch all day playing video games.

“Real Housewives” star Teresa Giudice is asking to spend most of her 15 month prison sentence in a halfway house. Which could be the start of a new series called “Real Half-Housewives.”

Broadcast network executives say they feel hopeful about ratings for the upcoming fall season. Unless their network starts with an “N” and ends with a “BC.”

Oscar Pistorius has been sentenced to five years in prison, but will be eligible for parole after 10 months. Apparently the prosecution took his prosthetic legs so his defense team couldn’t use the strategy of “If the shoes don’t fit, you must acquit.”

Brett Favre has postponed his return to Lambeau Field to retire his jersey. Mostly since he is planning yet another comeback now that Peyton Manning broke his touchdown passing record.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sorry for the abbreviated version that is late…long plane trips today…glad to be back! This still gives you just enough time to read and remember to send the love!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!



Pope Francis I says that God is not afraid of new things. Although he had no explanation as to why God doesn’t even have a Facebook page or Twitter account yet.

Pope Francis I says that God is not afraid of new things. Although if that was true, you would think he would have had at least one Pope who was younger than 90 by now.

Police in New Hampshire used pepper spray on rioters at a pumpkin festival. The riots started when protesters were demanding police replace their pepper spray with something more like a nice pumpkin spice.

Police in New Hampshire used pepper spray on rioters at a pumpkin festival. You know your state’s population is really old and white when the cause of a riot is a pumpkin festival.

People are being warned about fake IRS agents that are trying to scam people out of $500 to $1,000. Officials say if they were real IRS agents, they would be confiscating everything the people own.

Undocumented aliens were caught being sneaked across the U.S. border in washing machines. Border security says once they were captured, they all pretty much came clean.

A study says that drinking soda can lead to premature aging, disease and early death. Especially if the sodas are being used to wash down three Big Macs, two large fries and a couple of apple pies.

Ford is developing a car seat that will be able to detect heart attacks. Which after suffering one is the way Ford owners know they are now old enough to drive a Buick.

Ford is developing a car seat that will be able to detect heart attacks. Which GM already knows will happen when their customers get their fifth recall notice in a month.

A Michigan woman was arrested after being so drunk she mistook a jail for a bar. Which is otherwise known as cutting out the middleman.

A Michigan woman was arrested after being so drunk she mistook a jail for a bar. She was just lucky the guards didn’t oblige her when she kept saying she stopped in for a couple of shots.

A study says that vegetarians have lower sperm counts than meat eaters. Which doesn’t matter since no one is going to even get to first base after going out on a date and ordering the vegan platter for two.

A poll says that 64% of Americans feel the country is out of control. The other 36% Feel that it was out of control before 2008 but since then we just completely crashed and burned.

A study says a person’s season of birth can affect their mood later in life. Especially people whose birthday is around Christmas who always get one present for both occasions.

A convicted murderer in Connecticut is suing the state for his “constitutional right” to pornography. Although no one is more in favor of keeping him interested in just looking at naked people online than his cellmate.

A convicted murderer in Connecticut is suing the state for his “constitutional right” to pornography. Apparently he thinks the Miranda rights are about looking at a website with naked women who are all named Miranda.

Colorado is trying to ban most edible marijuana, saying it could be mistakenly eaten by children. The best way to keep that from happening is to label any products containing pot is to label it as a vegetarian product.

A report says thousands of federal workers are on paid leave while waiting to be punished or return to work after being accused of wrongdoing, with their pay amounting to $775 Million. Although that is still being considered a more efficient use of taxpayers’ dollars than the money going to pay the salary of Congress.

A study says that a bad boss can make workers sick both physically and mentally. Which is still better than the physical and mental illness experienced by people who have no boss because they haven’t been able to find a job since 2008.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was kicked out of several locations for breaking election rules. Apparently Canada has new laws saying you must stay at least 100 feet away from an election site while you are using a crack pipe.

A report says that corporate America is sitting on a record $1.65 Trillion in cash. The money just keeps piling up ever since 2008 when business realized they can pay one employee to do the work of three.

The NHTSA says 4.7 Million airbags in American cars could be faulty. To which officials say until the problem can be fixed, people are advised when traveling by car to make all the fat people sit up front.

The NHTSA says 4.7 Million airbags in American cars could be faulty. Which is still a little unnerving for GM car owners, even though the only place they ever drive their cars anymore is back and forth from the dealership for the latest recalls.

The WTO has rejected U.S. labels identifying the country of origin on meat labels. Which is still better than China where they aren’t even sure which animal the meat is coming from.

A study says the best way to get people to stop buying sugary sodas and snacks is to say how much exercise it will take to burn off the calories. The worst part is when McDonald’s gives everyone buying a Value Meal a sign up sheet for the next Marathon.

U.S. airlines are raising fares on domestic flights. Apparently they feel it’s the best way to keep from having to raise the fees they are charging for luggage, blankets, snacks, drinks, changing tickets…

A study says the only exercise that lowers elderly adults’ risk of falling is swimming. However, anyone who happens to be near the pool still has to deal with the fear of seeing one of the seniors fall out of their bathing suit.

A Minnesota man ran a Marathon backwards before running it again forwards. Which just made everyone look at him sideways.

A study says that a half million more men than usual got vasectomies during the recession. So for many men during the economic downturn, their salaries weren’t the only thing that got cut.

The WHO has declared Nigeria Ebola free. Although what that really means is that if you go to Nigeria, it won’t cost you a dime to get the virus.

The WHO has declared Nigeria Ebola free. Mostly because anyone in Nigeria who had the disease has since moved to Dallas.

A study says that Viagra can be used to treat heart disease. Which can be caused when wives finds the secret place their husbands have been hiding their stash of Viagra.

A study says that watching movies with sex and violence themselves may lower parents’ standards for what they let their kids watch. Although the way to tell there are no standards is when people let their children watch an Adam Sandler movie.

A study says that every eight minutes a child in the U.S. gets the wrong medicine. As opposed to the other 23 hours and 52 minutes of the day when the rest of the children in the country can’t get any medicine because of the prescription policy of their parents’ health care plan.

David Letterman’s cue card writer was fired after assaulting a staff writer. Apparently the problems started when the writer kept putting the word “Machiavellianism” in all his jokes.

David Letterman’s cue card writer was fired after assaulting a staff writer. Apparently the job just got to be too tough ever since Letterman got so old he could only see one word on each cue card.

The NCAA and NFL are seeking to stop sports betting from being allowed in New Jersey. Especially when the most popular bets involve which college and pro football players will be arrested on any given week.

Tiger Woods is reportedly hitting golf balls and is hoping to be back on tour in December. He is trying everything he can to get back to be the world’s number one golfer, starting with trying to set up Rory McIlroy on a blind date with Elin Nordegren.

A study says that sex is 385 Million years old. Which you would think would make it so that people were able to be a little better at doing it by now.

A study says that sex is 385 Million years old. Which means before that, everyone must have been adopted.

A study says that sex is 385 Million years old. Which is also when men first started to look for work so they could have enough money to be able to pay for it.

A study says that nearly half of all holiday shoppers say they won’t shop at retailers that had their credit base hacked. The other half don’t care because they can only shop with cash since losing all their credit cards during the recession.

Monica Lewinsky has reportedly joined Twitter. To start out, she is using the hashtag “GuesswhatIdidtobecomefamous?”

An iPad app helps screen people for glaucoma. The first sign that someone may have glaucoma is they can’t see the iPad they are holding right in front of their face.

That’s it for now. Oh Faithful Readers! These jokes are still coming to you from Salt Lake City, which is where I ran out of gas last week. I just need to panhandle another $35 and I will have enough to fill up the tank and get out of here. Actually, I am here for a weather conference for my career which has also run out of gas. Ironically, most of my jokes are guaranteed to give many of you gas. For the quickest relief, take two Alka Seltzers and remember to send the love!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!



A report says that the poverty rate in California is 23.4%. The other 76.6% have still decided to wait awhile before trying to take out a home mortgage loan.

A report says that the poverty rate in California is 23.4%. The rest currently don’t have kids they are trying to put through college.

A report says the poverty rate in Washington, D.C. is 22.4%. Which means everyone else in town is either a member of Congress or a lobbyist.

Texas has broken a record for the number of jobs added over a 12 month period. Mostly because they are always having to hire new people for the employees who keep quitting at the hospital where they get all the Ebola patients.

Billy Graham says the U.S. has become as wicked as Sodom and Gomorrah. Apparently he somehow got hold of the remote control and came across a couple of episodes of “The Kardashians.”

Billy Graham says the U.S. has become as wicked as Sodom and Gomorrah. The bad news is that means after all these years he is admitting he isn’t really very good at what he does.

Israel is planning on building above ground cemeteries when their current graveyards are full. The word is that people are just dying to get into the penthouse suites.

Israel is planning on building above ground cemeteries when their current graveyards are full. The worst part is when someone falls behind on their maintenance fees and the manager has to evict them.

U2's Bono says he has worn sunglasses constantly for the past two decades because of glaucoma. Which is ironic in that all the other rock stars have been saying they have been suffering glaucoma for years just so they could get prescriptions for medicinal marijuana.

President Obama tried to use his credit card to buy lunch in a New York City restaurant and it was denied. Apparently the mix up happened when the Treasury decided to stick the President’s personal card with the nation’s entire $17 Trillion debt.

A Russian Nazi group held a “Miss Hitler” contest. That’s the one that has no title for Miss Congeniality.

A Russian Nazi group held a “Miss Hitler” contest. It got a little awkward when the contestants were expected to parade around in goose-step during the bikini competition.

Moody’s has downgraded Russia’s debt rating to Baa2 from Baa1. Apparently that means their economy is now the black sheep of all Europe.

An Artificial Intelligence expert says that computers will have super-human intelligence in the near future. Which thanks to the effects of reality TV will refer to any computer that can perform spell-check and basic math.

A funeral home in Michigan has opened a drive thru window for people to pay their last respects. The worst part is when the deceased has been cremated and they are listed under the fried menu.

A report says that cash is no longer king around the world. Mostly because since 2007 most people have trouble remembering the last time they actually had any cash.

An entrepreneur is planning on opening a cashless supermarket in the UK. It will be so cashless, to prevent confusion they won’t even offer any lettuce, cabbage or dough.

A study says that elephants can tell when it is raining up to 150 miles away. Mostly because they live in rain forests where it is always raining somewhere within 150 miles.

Iran says the number of foreign tourists has gone up 35% in the past year. Mostly because they started counting as “tourists” everyone who comes into their country wearing a military uniform.

Iran says the number of foreign tourists has gone up 35% in the past year. Which means their tourist total for the year is now up to seven.

President Obama says the country can’t give in to the fear of Ebola. He says we should be much more concerned about the possibility of the Republicans taking back the Senate.

A contractor is hiring Ebola screeners to work at JFK Airport for $19 an hour. Which makes for a nice salary as long as they don’t spend it all at once by buying their lunch at JFK Airport.

Former Celtic Antoine Walker says he lost $110 Million that he made for playing basketball. Many basketball players have lost their fortunes, unlike Kobe Bryant who made even more money by investing heavily in jewelry for his wife over the years.

A baby boom is taking place in North Dakota where the growing economy has resulted in more than ten thousand births in the past year. Which finally answers the question of what is there to do in North Dakota?

A baby boom is taking place in North Dakota where the growing economy has resulted in more than ten thousand births in the past year. Which shows just how good the economy is with at least ten thousand women being talked into starting a family in North Dakota.

Resident Obama says the U.S. can prevent an Ebola outbreak. Although he says it might not be all that bad if it becomes the only way left to keep the Republicans away from the polls in November.

A report says that China wastes 35 Million metric tons of grain each year, enough to feed 200 Million people. Mostly because there aren’t any really good grain recipes that go along very well with donkey, fox and dog meat.

A report says that people are changing their travel plans because of the Ebola scare. The bad part is they are booking vacations in Senegal, Liberia and Guinea because they figure it’s a lot safer there than in Dallas.

President Obama’s new Ebola Czar Ron Klain has no medical experience but is instead trained in handling political crises. Mostly because Obama is trying to stop the Republicans from turning Ebola into a political crisis just in time for the November elections.

The WHO has declared Senegal Ebola free. That’s the good news. The bad news is that it is Ebola free because everyone there is either dead from Ebola or has left to get out of the country.

An Ebola scare has sent a Carnival cruise ship back to Texas. How bad is Ebola that people are actually more afraid of catching the virus than all the other things that can happen to them on a Carnival cruise?

Jude Law is expecting his fifth child from the third different mother. Apparently he has decided if the acting thing doesn’t work out he can always try out for the NBA.

Jude Law is expecting his fifth child from the third different mother. Apparently he is trying to get into character for his upcoming starring role in “The Kevin Federline Story.”

Bruce Jenner is reportedly dating a former friend of Kris Jenner. The official word so far is that they aren’t really dating, they just like to trade off because they wear the same size Spandex.

Lady Gaga has bought a $24 Million estate in Malibu. Among its other amenities it reportedly has a large walk in freezer that she can use as a closet for all her meat dresses.

Kelly Osbourne says she is planning to fund her parents’ retirement. The only problem is that it won’t be cheap when Ozzy retires to hire a full time interpreter to follow him around to translate what he is asking for.

Kelly Osbourne says she is planning to fund her parents’ retirement. It could get expensive. Just paying for Ozzy’s prescription plan could run into seven figures a year.

An 81 year old golfer scored holes-in-one on three consecutive days in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. The only bad part was that he had to buy the entire house a round of Boost Plus.

An 81 year old golfer scored holes-in-one on three consecutive days in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. To which the other golfers in Myrtle Beach credited the feat to, the luck of the young.

Credit experts say that President Obama’s credit card refusal at a restaurant happens to 40% of the population. The other 60% had their credit accounts canceled right after their home was foreclosed and their cars repossessed back in 2007.

President Obama has ordered chip and PIN technology to be embedded in government credit cards which would stop fraud by identifying the users’ fingerprints. Which is pretty useless since everyone knows that it’s Congress who already has their fingerprints all over the $17 Trillion national debt.

A giant Sphinx was unearthed on a California beach 91 years after it was used in the filming of Cecil B. Demille’s “The Ten Commandments.” When researchers said they made the discovery, local officials first thought it might be some sort of pyramid scheme.

Analysts say the economic benefits to Nevada from the proposed Tesla factory is overstated. Mostly because there is no way that one factory can bring in more money each year even than the slot machines that are in the checkout aisle of a single convenience store in Las Vegas.

MasterCard has unveiled the first credit card that comes with a fingerprint sensor. Although most people would be much better off financially if their wallet came with a credit card censor.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! These jokes are coming to you from Salt Lake City, Utah where I am in town for a conference. Unfortunately it is not a joke writing conference. Of course, the funniest joke in Utah history is “Take my wives. Please.” Sorry. Couldn’t resist that one. Too easy. But not as easy as it is for all of you to make sure you always remember to send the love!

Friday, October 17, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Senator Ted Cruz says Congress should be called back into session to vote on an Ebola travel ban. That won’t happen as the only travel they care about is their campaign and fundraising trips before the November elections.

Officials in Dallas are holding off asking for a state of emergency to be declared over Ebola. They figure if they were able to survive through the governorships of both George W. Bush and Rick Perry, it will take more than a virus to cause them to panic.

An Idaho man was arrested for battering a woman with a burrito. His defense is that if he really wanted to cause her pain and suffering with a burrito, he would have taken her to Taco Bell and had her eat one.

A survey says that one in ten travelers have had sex at an airport. Which means if they were in Denver they would have joined the Mile High Club before they even got on the plane.

A survey says that one in ten travelers have had sex at an airport. Of course, the number is much higher if you include what happens to travelers who go through a TSA security screening line.

A survey says that one in ten travelers have had sex at an airport. And that doesn’t even include the people who accidentally started tapping their feet in an airport bathroom stall and didn’t realize they were right next to former Senator Larry Craig.

California had a statewide earthquake drill on Thursday. The only problem is trying to find 15 minutes to do an earthquake drill that doesn’t keep getting interrupted by actual earthquakes.

California had a statewide earthquake drill on Thursday. Which is otherwise known across the state as Thursday.

A study says there has been an increase in the use of all-purpose antidepressants. Mostly because people don’t want to have different prescriptions for the depression caused by thinking about the economy, Ebola, unemployment, the environment...

A court ruled that parents may be liable for what their children post on Facebook. To which those parents are asking why can’t their kids be like everyone else and just use Facebook to post pictures of what they are eating?

An app for ordering marijuana delivery has started in California. So far the only problem is finding workers who can find the right address, don’t smoke half of the pot on the way there and can process the order in less than six months.

A study says the male brain is wired to ignore food for sex. Which is ironic in that the most common way to try to get sex is for a man to ask someone out for dinner.

A study says the male brain is wired to ignore food for sex. And that the male brain is pretty much wired to ignore everything else for sex other than football, beer and more football.

TSA Chief John Pistole says he will retire at the end of the year. He will be given a gold watch and a lifetime supply of latex gloves and lubricant in case he ever gets nostalgic for the good old days.

An Ebola specialist says that the Dallas hospital that cared for the first Ebola patient in the U.S. did some things right and some things wrong. Among the wrong things were besides some basic administrative errors was allowing the disease to spread to some hospital workers which could cause a domestic outbreak with the potential to kill everyone in the country.

The government says it will close a loophole that lets employers offer substandard insurance. Otherwise known to most people as their employer based health coverage.

Secretary of State John Kerry had to fly commercial from Vienna after his Air Force plane broke down. The sad part is that passengers were volunteering to be moved next to the screaming baby rather than have to spend an entire flight talking to John Kerry.

A California college was quarantined after a student who was on a plane with an Ebola victim vomited on campus. Although it turns out it was just a reaction the student had after getting the latest statement of how much they owe on their student loans.

McDonald’s is skipping a national rollout for their McRibs sandwich. Which means this year the only rollout for McRibs will be when they actually have to roll out the customers from the restaurants after they have eaten four or five McRibs for lunch.

Barbie sales dropped 21% in the third quarter. Apparently young girls are being wise and instead of spending their money to buy Barbie dolls, they are saving it for the plastic surgery they will have one day to look like Barbie.

A report says that complaints about private student loans have gone up 40% in the past year. But that’s only because the amount of student loans to cover tuition has also gone up 40% in the past year.

The Director of the CDC says that Ebola is not a significant threat to the U.S. He says that obesity, smoking and alcoholism is going to kill most Americans way before the virus ever starts spreading across the country.

Whole Foods says it is trying to change the way that people buy fruits and vegetables. The biggest change will happen when they actually get people to start buying fruits and vegetables.

An AT&T glitch resulted in an iPhone billing error. Apparently some customers were actually charged by AT&T for receiving  some kind of cellphone service.

The government says that roaches and mice are the top nuisances in U.S. homes. Although most people would argue that, saying they would much rather deal with those pests than spam, telemarketers and junk mail.

CBS is offering a streaming service. Which means that people who want to watch “CSI” around the clock can do it for a monthly fee. Or they could just turn on CBS.

Chrysler is recalling 907,000 cars and SUVs. Which means they have almost made good on their goal to one day be just like GM.

Delta Airlines says the Ebola scare has not hurt bookings for plane flights. Mostly because to most people Ebola would be a cakewalk compared to going through TSA security screenings, being extorted for dozens of fees on the plane and finding their luggage will be arriving three days late.

Starbucks is launching a contest that will give the winner a free item every day for the next 30 years. The company isn’t worried about the cost since anyone drinking that much caffeine or eating their pastries every day isn’t going to make it past about 2018.

Starbucks is launching a contest that will give the winner a free item every day for the next 30 years. The company knows that the prize will go unclaimed because no one will be able to pay the income tax on the estimated value of about $50 Million.

Starbucks is testing an app that allows customers to order ahead of time. That way they can order a large mocha latte in November and save up the money to pay for it by the time they pick it up in March.

A study says that obesity is dropping in preschool kids. Experts became concerned when it was shown that the biggest health concern for young children had moved from cooties to high blood pressure.

A study says that obesity is dropping in preschool kids. Experts became concerned when pharmaceutical companies started making Flintstones shaped high cholesterol pills.

An official says the Dallas hospital that cared for the first U.S. Ebola patient had no training in the disease. They said an Ebola patient coming there for care would be met with even more confusion than by someone going to a hospital in Beverly Hills complaining of Sickle Cell Anemia.

Frontier Airlines says it is expanding its search for people who were on a flight with a nurse who contracted Ebola. The biggest problem is finding any of their passengers who will admit they flew on Frontier.

Jenelle Evans, former star of “16 & Pregnant” and “Teen Mom 2” won an academic award for keeping a college GPA of 3.5. She is working hard to get through college, since she wants to get her degree before her kids who are only four grades behind her.

Jenelle Evans, former star of “16 & Pregnant” and “Teen Mom 2” won an academic award for keeping a college GPA of 3.5. As opposed to most of the other people who appeared on those shows who are would have trouble scoring a 3.5 on an IQ test.

Jon Gosselin says he has been evicted from his rural home and has no place to keep his eight kids when they visit. Which shows that once you have had your own reality show, it can be pretty tough when you have to come back to reality.

Cowboys running back Joseph Randle, talking about his arrest for shoplifting says “I did something stupid.” Although in his defense, there are a lot of football players who have done dumber things. Like all the ones who signed contracts with the Oakland Raiders.

Knicks forward Amar’e Stoudemire says he is rejuvenating his surgically repaired knees by bathing in wine at a spa. The only problem with bathing in a tub full on wine is that once someone finishes their rehab, they need to go into rehab.

A former quarterback at South Carolina says that college athletes are paid “all day every day” for their autographs. They are the most lucrative autographs for the colleges, other than the signatures from all the academic students on their college loan forms.

Crews have begun demolishing bleachers at Wrigley Field for an off season renovation. It was the first time there has ever been a collapse at Wrigley Field that didn’t happen during the regular season.

Microsoft says it blocks 10 Million spam messages every minute. Which is good news for people using computers operated by Windows 8 who would have all those messages waiting for them when they finally figure out how to get their computer to boot up.

Google says it will be testing a high speed wireless Internet system. Which one day you will be able to use to go online with your Google Glass while being taken around town in your Google driverless car while you tell your kids about the old days where Google didn’t control every part of your existence.

Laker guard Steve Nash reportedly hurt his back carrying some luggage. Team officials are upset. They told Kobe Bryant not to pack away so many clothes in each suitcase.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am off to Salt Lake City for a weather conference the next few days. Apparently they booked the conference in Salt Lake City because they actually want us to do some work while we are there. But don’t get comfortable, you aren’t off the hook that easily. I will still be writing the jokes because even when I do something that shows I have a life, I have no life. What I do have is all of you who always make it worthwhile every time you remember to send the love!

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Scientists are working on a test that can identify Ebola within ten minutes. Or they can just look to see when the person starts hemorrhaging blood through their eyeballs.

Liberia says it needs 80,000 more body bags in the next six months. Which is just slightly more than the number the Republicans were requesting during the debate about Obamacare.

Liberia says it needs 80,000 more body bags in the next six months. Which makes the toughest job in the world not in the medical community of western Africa but as the spokesperson for the Liberian Travel Bureau.

The U.N. is warning that the world has 60 days to get Ebola under control. Apparently they are looking at what happened in Iraq after the U.S. claimed we would eradicate Saddam Hussein in two weeks.

The federal government is developing a button that can track a person’s weight to fight obesity. As opposed to the current button method of identifying obesity where a person’s  pants button finally cracks under the strain and whistles through the air fast enough to take someone’s eye out.

A barber in California has been arrested for reportedly slashing the throat of a customer. Which proves the old adage, never engage in a political argument with someone who is holding a straight razor over your face.

A barber in California has been arrested for reportedly slashing the throat of a customer. Which goes to show that you should never go to a barber shop that is located right next door to a Starbucks.

A barber in California has been arrested for reportedly slashing the throat of a customer. People were shocked. The last time they ever saw a barber actually shave someone was at Floyd’s Barber Shop in Mayberry.

L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti is challenging the people of Los Angeles to cut water usage by 20% by 2017. So far the Dodgers and Angels have really cooperated by getting knocked out of the playoffs early enough to not have to dump large buckets of Gatorade over their teammates’ heads.

The federal government has collected $3 Trillion in tax revenue in fiscal year 2014. Congress was so excited about the good news they spent $5 Trillion on a Capitol Hill party to celebrate.

NASA astronauts will live in a dome for eight months to simulate life on Mars. Or they could just take a road trip through North Dakota.

NASA astronauts will live in a dome for eight months to simulate life on Mars. The space agency has already found someone to head the project who isn’t busy doing anything else these days, Pauly Shore.

A French law is aiming to cut back on binge drinking by teenagers. Although some people think they could start a little earlier, like with serving milk and cookies for elementary school breaks instead of wine and cheese tastings.

A French law is aiming to cut back on binge drinking by teenagers. Lawmakers say there is plenty of time for the youth in France to become disillusioned with the high unemployment, bad economy and rude compatriots to develop into a full blown alcoholic by the time they are adults.

A report says the IRS wasted millions of taxpayers’ dollars on software. The IRS claims it was necessary to buy all those copies of TurboTax to see how to actually be able to fill out one of the IRS returns.

The UN says the world has failed to address the Ebola outbreak. Which isn’t all that surprising when you figure we have also failed to address poverty, genocide, global warming, the global economic crisis...

Lockheed says that a nuclear fusion breakthrough will help develop planes with unlimited range. Which could make for tremendous savings for JetBlue when they don’t have to burn fuel while waiting on the tarmac for three hours preparing for takeoff.

A Dallas health worker who contracted Ebola later flew to Cleveland and back. Health authorities were very concerned. Who knows what kind of infections she might have brought back into Dallas from Cleveland?

A Delaware man is suing a hospital after he awoke from a colonoscopy to find he was wearing pink women’s panties. Although it still wasn’t as disturbing as that they came with an invitation to dinner by the guy running the colonoscope.

Oscar Pistorius’ defense team is requesting a lenient sentence as they say their client is suffering emotionally and financially. Not everyone realizes the personal and monetary toll that comes with shooting your girlfriend to death.

A study says the economy is steady enough so that small business owners are able to retire. Meaning that there are enough new job openings at McDonald’s so they can get some steady pay to go along with what they can scrape by with Social Security.

A study says the economy is steady enough so that small business owners are able to retire. Especially the ones who were already in their 80s back in 2007 but now feel like they might have enough money put away now to be able to take them through their 90s.

A banking industry analyst says that banks face “continued misery” for years to come. To which all of their customers are saying “It’s your turn now!”

The Federal Reserve says the economy is growing at a modest to moderate pace. Which means there is enough money around to where the Treasury has been able to slow the printing presses from “express” all the way down to “overdrive.”

Honda is being accused of underreporting safety incidents to the NHTSA concerning faulty airbags. To which Honda says how are they to know an airbag isn’t going to work until the passenger is actually about halfway through the windshield?

Toyota has recalled 423,000 Lexus cars for fuel leaks that could start fires. Which was criticized by GM who says at least their cars don’t pose a safety threat for the owners when they have to bring them in for recalls every other week.

Taco Bell says it is testing a Sriracha menu based on the popular hot sauce. What could really help the restaurant chain is if they would start working on recipes that contain Pepto-Bismol.

A study says the risks from epidurals and spinal anesthetic are extremely low. The study says the real danger for injury is to any doctor who tries to deny a spinal block to a pregnant woman who is in her fifteenth hour of labor.

A study says that 40% of all New York rats have at least one virus and nearly all suffer from some sort of bacterial infection. And those are just the ones found in the sewer underneath Lady Gaga’s apartment.

A study says that 40% of all New York rats have at least one virus and nearly all suffer from some sort of bacterial infection. Which means they could barely pass the test to qualify to drive a New York City taxi.

Whole Foods says it will rate fruits and vegetables as “very good,” “better” and “best” based on how they were grown. To which most Americans rate the best fruits and vegetables as the ones that are on someone else’s plate.

A report in a medical journal advocates more regulation of energy drinks. In fact, it says the only time energy drinks should be consumed is to help someone stay awake long enough to actually get through reading a medical journal report.

The Dallas health worker who flew to Cleveland went there to help plan her wedding. The only problem she has now is keeping her fiancee from reading the news articles about it so that she still actually has a wedding to go to.

Michael Jackson came in first on the list of top earning dead celebrities. His $140 Million came in ahead of Elvis Presley with third place taken by Larry King.

Michael Jackson came in first on the list of top earning dead celebrities. His estate made $140 Million in the past year. The only difference is that if he were still alive he would have spent $200 Million.

HBO will now offer programming to people who don’t have a subscription. Which before was very common but only for people who were able to climb a phone pole with a cable splitter.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says he is leaving his office with “not many regrets.” His term included the no World Series year of 1994, the tied All-Star Game and the steroid years. Which is like the CEO of Enron saying everything was great until they went through that accounting audit.

The NFL New York Giants are briefing their players about Ebola for their upcoming trip to Dallas to play the Cowboys on Sunday. Although at 3-3 they should also include some tips about blocking tackling and holding onto the ball better.

The NFL New York Giants are briefing their players about Ebola for their upcoming trip to Dallas to play the Cowboys on Sunday. Fortunately, if any of the league’s players catch the disease they all are very well versed on how to give themselves any necessary shots using a hypodermic needle.

LeBron James says he wants a shorter basketball season in order to protect the players. Also because he seems to pretty much run out of juice right about the time the NBA Finals roll around.

LeBron James says he wants a shorter basketball season in order to protect the players. He also feels if he is going to be paid like a CEO, he should have the same amount of time off during the year.

LeBron James says he wants a shorter basketball season in order to protect the players. The good news is now that he is back in Cleveland his season will be a lot shorter without having to go through any of those long and grueling playoff series.

Archaeologists in England have discovered the remains of a chariot from the Bronze Age. Researchers could tell the vehicle crashed because it was apparently being driven by an invader who wasn’t used to right side driving.

Archaeologists in England have discovered the remains of a chariot from the Bronze Age. Historians say that chariot racing was a big sport in ancient England and that few people know that Big Ben was actually dedicated to a racer named Hur.

Scientists say the discovery of a new exotic particle may explain what holds things together. Which United Airlines maintenance workers already know the answer to that to be duct tape and bailing wire.

Scientists say the discovery of a new exotic particle may explain what holds things together. Which in the case of Cher is pretty much Botox and silicon.

IBM is using its super computer Watson Africa for a health care system in Africa. There’s a lesson to be learned here. Show up Alex Trebek on “Jeopardy!” one day, and the next you are sent right into the heart of the Ebola outbreak.

A 14 year old inventor from Pittsburgh was named Top Young Scientist for inventing a new low-cost battery. The title comes with a $25,000 prize, which he will use to buy video games now that he doesn’t have to pay as much for batteries for his Game Boy anymore.

A report says the best year for the tech industry was back in 2001. Which coincidentally was also the last year Microsoft put out a version of Windows that actually worked.

A study says that gradual weight loss is no better than rapidly taking off pounds. Especially when “gradual” means the person hopes to start dropping the 100 pounds they need in another ten years or so.

Apple and Facebook are offering to pay to freeze the eggs of female staffers. Cut rate websites like Groupon are offering the same service, but only by letting women employees use the air conditioner unit as their office chair for a couple of hours a day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another day of hilarity and endless laughter. Not here, when I go to ask my boss for a raise this afternoon. Once again, I appreciate you logging in to the blog to check out my latest attempts at humor. Make sure you tell a friend about the site. Or even better, an enemy. I am still woefully short of my goal of reaching 7 Billion readers a day. I think I have the 7 part down OK, it’s the rest that is giving me problems. One way you will never be a problem is to make sure to remember to always send the love!