Sunday, January 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The latest developments in the New England Patriots Deflategate have now moved off the field. Reports say that SuperBowl halftime show headliner Katy Perry has dropped down to a C-cup.

Jeb Bush previewed his 2016 presidential run in a speech last week where he promised to offer the country “adult conversations.” Although campaign staffers may have mistaken what he meant by adult conversations when they changed the official campaign phone number to a 900 area code.

TV commentator Greta Van Susteren was trapped in an elevator in Hanoi that fell several floors. She says she hasn’t experienced being in such an out of control free fall since she worked at CNN.

TV commentator Greta Van Susteren was trapped in an elevator in Hanoi that fell several floors. The elevator dropped so fast that for a few seconds her mouth was actually symmetrical.

Pope Francis I told followers to “Put down the iPhone and start talking to each other.” Although no Catholic will be giving up their smartphones until there is another way to kill time watching cat videos during Sunday mass.

A new “death test” predicts a person’s chances of dying within the next 30 days. The test checks to see if the person has booked any upcoming trips booked on Amtrak.

A new “death test” predicts a person’s chances of dying within the next 30 days. The odds apparently drop dramatically the farther the person’s address is from Detroit.

A new “death test” predicts a person’s chances of dying within the next 30 days. The first thing the test does is ask the person’s occupation. The test ends if the person says anything besides “rapper.”

The CIA top spy has stepped down. No one even knows the person’s name or what they do. Until now, the only other job with the same description has been Vice President.

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper says that legalizing marijuana was a bad decision. Mostly because if you thought people who were high on pot giggled uncontrollably before, just wait until someone says “Hickenlooper.”

The World Economic Forum in Davos which is attended by billionaires is selling hot dogs for $43. Even the world’s wealthiest were fuming at that. Imagine thinking they would actually consider eating a hot dog.

A report says that 1.2 Billion chicken wings will be eaten on Super Sunday. The one chicken wing that was never even able to make it to the regular season is the one that describes Tim Tebow’s throwing arm.

A report says that 1.2 Billion chicken wings will be eaten on during the Super Bowl. Which is sad that while Buffalo has never had their name engraved on the Lombardi Trophy, at least they always have a prominent place on the Super Sunday menu.

A report says that Maryland has more millionaires per capita than any other state. The only reason it beats out New Jersey is because as soon as anyone there makes a million dollars they know they have enough to go live somewhere else.

Rapper Tiny Doo is facing 25 years in prison for his lyrics. Hopefully he can be cleared of all charges by the work of the detective team headed by his cousin Scooby.

Rapper Tiny Doo is facing 25 years in prison for his lyrics. He should have been like the other rappers and gone after a lighter sentence for just shooting someone.

Two former athletes from UNC are suing the school and the NCAA, claiming they were deprived of a “meaningful education.” To which the school says having to work and make the college money for four years and not getting a degree teaches everyone a valuable lesson.

Two former athletes from UNC are suing the school and the NCAA, claiming they were deprived of a “meaningful education.” Fortunately, the students were able to afford to hire a legal team with all the illegal payments they were given while playing for UNC.

Two former athletes from UNC are suing the school and the NCAA, claiming they were deprived of a “meaningful education.” To which the university is asking why, if they wanted a meaningful education were they enrolling at UNC?

9 year old twins in New Hampshire are back with their parents after their uncle who was put in charge left them alone for days at a time in an apartment over five months. To which the children are calling him “The greatest uncle ever!”

The TSA is being accused of hiding security problems at airports, saying they are classified. Although the TSA wouldn’t so many problems with classified information if they didn’t hire all their agents through classified ads.

Edgar Froese, a founding member of Tangerine Dream has died at age 70. Doctors say he could have probably lived several more years if he would have gone to a diet that had more citrus.

A study says that women have only 17% of the leadership roles available in the film industry, the same percentage as in 1998. Apparently that is the maximum number of women available that movie executive men will hire who have had implants, Botox treatments and are still under 40.

The Border Patrol says the GOP Border Security Bill is weak and just “window dressing.” If the GOP hasn’t been criticized for using weak window dressing since their 2012 nomination of Mitt Romney.

Pope Francis I says ridding stereotypes is the key to relations between Christians and Muslims. Eliminating stereotypes is also the only way the Church will ever get young boys to start volunteering again to be altar boys.

Sports Illustrated has laid off all its staff photographers. Who needs real photographers when athletes are spending all their time on the sidelines tweeting selfies?

Sports Illustrated has laid off all its staff photographers. Who needs to pay real photographers when there are millions of freelancers who will do anything just to be included on the shooting for the annual Swimsuit Issue?

A poll says that Americans’ satisfaction with federal income taxes is on the low side. Mostly because so many Americans forgot how much of a bite taxes take since they are finally getting an income for the first time since 2007.

The beer can is celebrating its 80th birthday. The innovation has led to the formation of two other completely separate industries. Recycling and rehab.

A survey says that 46% of Super Bowl advertisers will connect with the viewers. Which means that the other 54% are not advertising beer or using bikini models in their commercials.

A survey says that 46% of Super Bowl advertisers will connect with the viewers. Those are the ones who will see their ads played in the first half before the game has been already decided and some of the fans are still sober.

Modern Farmer magazine has let its entire editorial staff go. Mostly because truly modern farmers have switched over to another magazine for direction. High Times.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz received a 24% boost in his pay package in 2014. In other words, he was given one of those lifetime supply cards.

The NFL is offering services to former players to help them start businesses after their playing careers are over. Apparently the program was suggested by New England Patriots players as a hedge against inflation.

SkyMall, the inflight catalog has filed for bankruptcy. Mostly because of passengers on United and American who can now use electronic gadgets while flying as a way to book the next flight for their connection which has been cancelled.

SkyMall, the inflight catalog has filed for bankruptcy. Mostly because after paying for air fare, luggage charges and all the other fees, no fliers have any money left to buy expensive novelty goods from a magazine.

Billionaires attending the World Economic Forum in Davos walked a combined 8,700 miles to raise money to buy bicycles for underprivileged kids around the world. Which was easier than giving up their private jets to fly coach and using the savings to buy bicycles for every child on the planet.

Forbes says the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable NFL team at $2.1 Billion. The New England Patriots came in second at $1.64 Billion, but as the team will tell you that is before adjusting for inflation.

A study says that saying at home and watching TV can prevent the spread of the flu. Mostly because people glued to the couch will die from heart disease, high blood pressure and obesity long before they catch the flu bug.

A study says that women who lack emotional intimacy with their partner feel more pain if he is in the delivery room. Which is no problem because if there is that little emotional intimacy he is more than likely in the bar across the street from the hospital watching football.

A study says that women who lack emotional intimacy with their partner feel more pain if he is in the delivery room. Although a lack of emotional intimacy with a partner might be a good sign that you shouldn’t be having a baby with them in the first place.

A study says that social media can cause stress. Especially when your wife figures out your Facebook password and sees the messages you have been exchanging with other women.

The FDA has approved a system of apps that will allow mobile monitoring of blood sugar. Which means your doctor will be able to call the emergency room to make a reservation the minute he sees you are sitting down at a table at Krispy Kreme.

A survey says that workers are having to pick up a greater share of health care costs. The worst example is the hospital nurses who can cut some of the expense of their own operations by staying awake and handing the doctor their surgical instruments.

A survey says that workers are having to pick up a greater share of health care costs. Which is good since between the three jobs most people have to work at to make ends meet, no one has time to actually get sick anymore.

Bill Gates says a vaccine for HIV may be available by 2030. An even bigger breakthrough was his announcement that there could be a reliable version of Windows by 2050.

Golden State Warriors guard Klay Thompson set a record with 37 points in one quarter. Or as Kobe Bryant calls that, a great team effort.

The NFLPA is advising New England Patriot players not to talk about Deflategate. Although the whole problem started because no one on the team could control any leaks.

A new app gives the odds of any particular plane flight crashing. There are three categories; Qantas: great. Southwest: good. American: have you bought flight insurance?

A new app gives the odds of any particular plane flight crashing. There isn’t a category for United Airlines since it’s hard to rate the odds of a crash when every flight since 2012 has been cancelled.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad note in the world of baseball. Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks has died at the age of 83. I was too young to get to see him in his prime. By the time I started watching the game he was in semi-retirement at first base. It was always great when Banks played for the Cubs and they came to town because it meant you got to see a future Hall of Famer while your team still got to win the game. How can it get any better than that? His motto was always “Let’s play two.” Which in today’s lingo with pitch counts, relief pitchers and designated hitters translates to “Let’s play about three and a half innings.” Make sure that you send a little of the love today to the man who was great both on and off the field!

Friday, January 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Google CEO Eric Schmidt says the Internet as we know it will eventually disappear. Which as people today know that as, owning a computer that operates with Windows Vista.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt says the Internet as we know it will eventually disappear. Which will make it tough to use a search engine like Google when you are spending most your time just searching for the web.

Harvard professors told the World Economic Forum at Davos that privacy is dead. Unless you are someone with less than a billion dollars in personal wealth and a private jet who is actually trying to get inside the World Economic Forum at Davos.

New York State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver has been arrested for corruption, being accused of taking bribes and masking them as legitimate income. To which most politicians are saying “You mean they’re not?”

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick says he doesn’t know how the team’s footballs were deflated. Although he says he will now make sure the person whose job it is to pump up the footballs will be signed up for some strength training sessions.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick says he doesn’t know how the team’s footballs were deflated. Although one clue could be the equipment manager’s autographed copy of the autobiography of Joe Niekro.

Anthropologists say that a 3 Million year old human ancestor had hands that would allow them to grasp and use tools. Although after all that time we still haven’t evolved enough to be able to throw a fully inflated football.

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has moved the Doomsday Clock to 11:57, three minutes before midnight which signals the end of the world from human activity. Which means it might be a good idea to cancel Daylight Saving Time this March.

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has moved the Doomsday Clock to 11:57, three minutes before midnight which signals the end of the world from human activity. Not to miss out on any possible trends, Apples used the occasion to introduce their new Doomsday iWatch.

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has moved the Doomsday Clock to 11:57, three minutes before midnight because of nuclear proliferation and global warming. Which is ironic for the group in that the only way we may be able to stop climate change is with a global atomic conflict that envelops the planet in nuclear winter.

The University of Denver is offering a marijuana law class. It’s the one class where the students are always ready to work on their papers.

The University of Denver is offering a marijuana law class. Since it is an advanced class with a specialized topic, it is considered a 420 level course.

NASA says a telescope aboard a solar studying spacecraft has taken its 100 Millionth picture of the Sun. The only problem is that every single one of them has come back overexposed.

A Russian businessman speaking at the World Economic Form in Davos says sanctions aren’t affecting his country. Going through another few years of having to wait in line for toilet paper might just bring back another nostalgia craze.

Jeff Gordon says he will retire after this year from driving full time on the NASCAR circuit. His plans are to take some time off and travel around the country in a car that lets him make a right turn every once in awhile.

Jeff Gordon says he will retire after this year from driving full time on the NASCAR circuit. Not to say he is getting older, but the other drivers are starting to complain about how hard it is to pass him with his turn signal always blinking.

In a case concerning damage to a floor around a toilet, a German court has ruled that men have the right to pee standing up. Which just shows the Germans could have won either World War if they just had better aim.

In a case concerning damage to a floor around a toilet, a German court has ruled that men have the right to pee standing up. Apparently the judges decided that the men should have the same rights as all the German women.

A survey says the chances of workers getting a raise are the best in years. Employers now say the improving economy has dropped those chances from none to slim.

A report says that McDonald’s french fries have 19 ingredients. The worst part is that none of the ingredients are listed as “potatoes.”

Costco is in a dispute with Omega for selling their watches at too low of a price. Although it hasn’t been too much of an issue because no one has yet been interested in buying $2,000 watches that come only in a 24 pack.

Costco is in a dispute with Omega for selling their watches at too low of a price. The last thing Omega watches wants is for people to think lower prices means their watches are second hand.

T-Mobile is offering a new phone deal to people with bad credit. Which makes sense since most people sign up with T-Mobile after they can’t afford making their monthly payments to Sprint, Verizon and AT&T.

Billionaire Jeff Greene says Americans are in financial trouble because they live too large. Although before he makes statements like that, he should remember what happened to the last person who said that and suggested to “let them eat cake.”

Billionaire Jeff Greene says Americans are in financial trouble because they live too large. Which is a brave statement to make to people who lost their homes in the mortgage crisis considering he is the one who made billions betting against subprime loans.

A report says the NFL’s brand perception is down by half from last year. If it goes down any more, it will be almost as flat as a New England Patriots’ football.

Melvin Gordon, the CEO of Tootsie Rolls has died at age 95. The sad part is he was that close to finally getting to the center of a Tootsie Pop without biting.

Bankers are warning consumers about problems they are facing from the wealth gap. Although it would have been nicer if they would have warned us before their mortgage lending practices destroyed the economy and created the wealth gap.

A study says that people are better at remembering details when they anticipate having to recall them in the future. Apparently the study didn’t include men and birthdays, anniversaries and taking out the trash.

An analysis says that smokers spend more than $1 Million on their habit over their lifetime. The good news about smoking is that it keeps them from going even more in debt by killing them so soon.

A study says it is easier to lose weight and quit smoking if your partner becomes involved. The only problem is for the people who won’t be able to find a partner until they lose 50 pounds and quit smelling like an ashtray.

A study says a handful of walnuts a day can help improve a person’s memory. For one thing, it will help them remember to clean up the shells after they step on the ones they left on the floor with their bare feet.

A study has linked a type of birth control pill to brain tumors. Although the tumors still don’t cause as many headaches compared to what can happen if the person stops taking the pills.

A study says that for career success, it is better to have a conscientious spouse. Although if you a choosing a spouse based on how they will help your career, the best bet is to just marry the boss’s daughter.

California health officials are warning people to stay away from Disneyland unless they have been vaccinated against measles. Which means in order to get inside the theme park, customers will end up getting stuck twice.

A study says that cheerful tweets on Twitter can indicate people with healthier hearts. Mostly because people who are angry get even more wound up that they can’t voice all their complaints in just 140 characters.

Elsa Mars, the woman who plays “The Fat Lady” on the series “American Horror Stories” says producers wanted her to be even bigger and make her wear a fat suit. Apparently the show’s budget just didn’t give them enough money to afford Kirstie Alley.

A report says that many celebrity women are getting tired about always being asked “What are you wearing” while on the red carpet. Which is still better than most other women who get that question asked mostly on 2:00 in the morning booty calls.

Elizabeth Olsen says she has ended her engagement. The rumors started when the Olsen Twin was seen in public without wearing her ring in its usual place. Around her waist.

Jon Gosselin says he is now working as a DJ in Pennsylvania. Which just shows the hardest part of being on a reality TV show is the part when you have to come back to reality.

Johnny Depp says that he is not “quirky” or “eccentric.” Mostly because he is actually downright crazy but is rich enough where no one cares.

Alec Baldwin defended Seth Rogen’s comments about the movie “American Sniper.” Apparently Rogen feels embarrassed. How bad is it when Alec Baldwin agrees with what you are saying?

Alec Baldwin defended Seth Rogen’s comments about the movie “American Sniper.” Apparently Rogen feels embarrassed. Of course, Baldwin agrees. If there is anyone who should speak out against the idea of people wanting to lie in wait to ambush you with a gun, it is Alec Baldwin.

A report says the Ohio State staff and athletic director were given $2 Million in postseason bonuses. Mostly because they were smart enough not to be caught when they deflated the team’s footballs.

A report says the Ohio State staff and athletic director were given $2 Million in postseason bonuses. Which was just considered a tip since it was about 20% of what the alumni association gave in payments to the players.

Madonna has thanked the FBI for arresting the hacker who released her songs on the Internet. Although the FBI admits they started investigated Madonna when they mistakenly thought they were told to look for a music hack.

A survey says that drivers for the ride sharing site Uber are happy. Especially the ones who got away with charging drunk New Year’s revelers more than $100 for driving them less than ten miles.

A study says that people do use calorie charts in restaurants. Mostly because at the cost of dining out these days, they want to make sure they are getting all the fat, sugar and salt they are paying for.

A new feature on Twitter helps people see tweets they may have missed. Which is good news for people who have actually had to put their phones down for five minutes and can catch up with the latest pictures of all their friends’ cats.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is the weekend before the Super Bowl, which means that men all over the country are planning to get together with their friends to talk about the Super Bowl next week. It also means there will not be one flat screen TV available at Best Buy this weekend, but not to worry as they will all be returned and back on the sales floor the week after the game. As  warm weather fan I just can’t get excited about sports until spring training. That’s when baseball players get together to shake off the rust of the offseason and try to get back into form. Sort of like what I seem to do every day here with my jokes. Hope you all have a great weekend. Mine are always good, especially when you remember to send the love!

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

81 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg appeared to have fallen asleep during President Obama’s State of the Union speech Tuesday. How bad is it for the President when she dozes off during his address but can somehow stay awake through the entire Supreme Court docket?

CNN is set to produce a political game show. The working title is “Can You Believe We Used To Be A Respected News Organization?”

CNN is set to produce a political game show. The working title is “Who Wants To Blitz The Wolf?”

A report says that one in five Americans has spend $500 or more without telling their partner. The other four would, but haven’t seen an extra $500 since 2007.

A report says that one in five Americans has spend $500 or more without telling their partner. To which those people are saying “Thanks for spoiling the birthday present.”

A report says that 7.2 Million Americans have a bank or credit card account they have hidden from their spouse. Or as the financial community calls people who hide money from their partners, “men.”

The NFL says the New England Patriots deflated 11 of their 12 game balls against the Indianapolis Colts. Many feel there will be no penalties against the team. Which they are lucky that it is different than how other sports handle cheating, like when Tiger Woods was caught by his wife who caused him to crash his car after chasing him down with a 9 iron.

The NFL says the New England Patriots deflated 11 of their 12 game balls against the Indianapolis Colts. Even President Obama in his State of the Union speech says that now that gas prices are low again people can stop inflating car tires and put that air in their footballs.

A report says that 35 of the world’s wealthiest 80 people are Americans. Which comes down to those being the only people who were smart enough not to try to flip a home using a subprime loan back in 2007.

An Australian woman was able to deliver her own twins by C-section. When you are in the delivery room and they hand you a scalpel in the middle of labor, that’s probably a good time to start looking for a new HMO.

An Australian woman was able to deliver her own twins by C-section. No one even knew Crocodile Dundee’s wife was pregnant.

Scientists say they have found the most dangerous sex position. It’s the one that puts the man farthest from the window when his partner’s husband comes home early.

Scientists say they have found the most dangerous sex position. It’s the one that allows the woman a view of her partner’s cellphone to see who is leaving him text messages while they are in bed.

Scientists say they have found the most dangerous sex position. It’s the one that allows the woman’s hands to be close enough to a knife when her partner calls her the wrong name.

Nicolas Cage is set to star in a movie where he plays an ordinary guy looking for Osama bin Laden. It’s too bad the script didn’t call for the guy to be ordinary enough to read a newspaper once in awhile and see the bin Laden was killed back in 2011.

A study says the brain stores seemingly mundane memories that can be brought back when needed. Like some day when the researchers are asked what was the biggest waste of time in their career, they will remember this study.

A study says the brain stores seemingly mundane memories that can be brought back when needed. There are people who have the ability to bring back unpleasant memories at the most inopportune time. They are called “wives.”

Former WWE wrestlers are suing the organization, claiming it caused them brain damage. The only question is how could they tell?

Former WWE wrestlers are suing the organization, claiming it caused them brain damage. Their legal strategy is to show a jury that the brain damage is so advanced, it is getting hard to find any difference between the wrestlers and the fans.

Former WWE wrestlers are suing the organization, claiming it caused them brain damage. The wrestlers will take the WWE executives to court and hope that the judge throws the chair at them.

The beard on King Tut’s burial mask was reattached improperly with epoxy after falling off during a cleaning. Apparently that will be the last time the Egyptian Museum will hire a crew from the cleaning company of Howard, Fine and Howard.

A study says getting sick can contribute to being foreclosed. And vice versa.

A study says getting sick can contribute to being foreclosed. The problem is that the biggest cause of illness is seeing how much your variable mortgage rate just went up.

A poll says 14% Americans see healthcare and low wages as the top financial problems. The other 86% say their biggest financial problems are health care and no wages.

A study says that less qualified applicants to law school end up paying more. Apparently the law schools figure they will charge those with the lowest test scores more since they won’t be smart enough to graduate and sue them later.

Microsoft says it will give away the Windows 10 operating system as a free upgrade. Which is good news for people who may finally get the chance to see their Windows Vista computers actually boot up.

The CEO of the FX Network says he would rather be the best channel and not have the top ratings. At least he got the second half of his wish.

The CEO of the FX Network says he would rather be the best channel and not have the top ratings. To which NBC is saying they had both until they gave Donald Trump a show.

Cheetos is introducing a new cinnamon and sugar snack called Sweetos. It was made for people who need something to snack on while they are doing laundry to get all the orange dye stains off the rest of their clothes.

A startup called SendMyBag is launching domestic U.S. service that will take luggage on trips from door to door. As opposed to U.S. airlines that also takes your luggage door to door, until they finally find the right house.

O’Hare International Airport in Chicago has reclaimed the title of the world’s busiest. It doesn’t have the most flights or passengers. It’s just that the restaurants and hotels there are busy trying to take care of all the people while they are waiting for their cancelled flights on United to be rescheduled.

United Airlines is expanding its domestic inflight catering, offering lobster to passengers in business class. While is different from the people flying coach who have to be satisfied with the person sitting next to them giving them the crabs.

Some airlines are cutting back on employee flight perks. Workers are becoming concerned that the airlines are starting to treat them almost as badly as if they were customers.

Toyota was once again the world’s auto sales champ, beating out Volkswagen and GM with 10.23 Million cars sold. GM sold 9.92 Million. Although sales results won’t be final until 9.1 Million of the GM cars get back from the shop for the latest recalls.

Microsoft has unveiled its wireless HoloLens, which allows people to see and interact with 3D images all around them. Don’t we already have that? They’re called “eyes.”

A Right-to-Die law has been proposed in California. Once it is passed, the only problem will be figuring out how to get the entire Kardashian family to exercise it.

A study says that e-cigarettes are full of formaldehyde. Which is good news for the people who die from smoking them who will already be more than halfway embalmed.

NKOTB, TLC and Nelly have announced a summer tour. Which is great news for anyone who wasn’t around to see them when they were relevant back in 1993.

Johnny Depp says he is “sickened” by actors who become musicians. Although he didn’t say what he thought of people like Paris Hilton who aren’t either but still make movies and records.

Forbes says the Lakers are the NBA’s most valuable franchise, with a net worth of $2.6 Billion. Although that number drops to $1.3 Billion if you don’t count Kobe Bryant’s jewelry collection.

A study says that early humans dined on animals we now call pets. In other words, the cradle of humanity goes back to ancient Korea.

A study says that chimpanzees chat with each other mostly about food, just like humans. They are so similar that they will also occasionally throw in a comment about how expensive it has become to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

Netflix says it plans to be in 200 countries by 2016, including China. Who would have thought that one day the Chinese people when talking about the Great Wall would be referring to their flat screen TV?

The Commissioner of the IRS is warning of a possible shutdown later this year. Which was met with as much shock and disappointment as the eradication of Ebola.

Google says it wants to sell wireless service through Sprint and T-Mobile. To which Sprint is saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

Freedompop is launching an unlimited talk, text and data plan through Wi-Fi for $5 a month. Anyone using the service in Wyoming, Montana or North Dakota have a word for cellphones that operate off Wi-Fi. A “paperweight.”

Google, Facebook and Apple spent record amounts of money on lobbyists in 2014. It cost them a fortune to hire the best lobbyists in Washington, D.C. to try to explain the concept of the Internet to the 90% of congressmen who are over 80.

EBay says it will cut 7% of its workforce in the wake of its split with PayPal. The good news is they will give all their former employees a break on the fees they will be charged to sell all their stuff on eBay to try to get by while they are looking for work.

Georgia Governor Nathan Deal disappeared Wednesday with his office refusing to say where he went. Tabloid magazines are just hoping when he shows up the official reason he was gone was to go hike the Appalachian Trail.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am off from my real job today and tomorrow, but don’t let that worry you. I will still be cranking out the jokes. The question most people have is how does someone who puts this stuff out even have a real job? To that I say if Lindsay Lohan can still find work anything is possible. Even though I will be enjoying my afternoon and evening off, don’t let that stop you from continuing to send the love!

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

President Obama took an aggressive stance during last night’s State of the Union address. Republicans were so upset that no one was sure if Speaker John Boehner was angry or if he had just turned up the tanning bed two settings.

President Obama took an aggressive stance during last night’s State of the Union address. One side of the audience was standing and cheering wildly while the other side sat in silence. It was like being at the wedding between Elizabeth Taylor and Larry Fortensky.

A new cellphone app makes “invisible” boyfriends or girlfriends to show “proof” the user is in a relationship. Which they could actually have a chance of making a reality if they would put down their cellphone once in awhile.

A report says that Facebook has been cited in a third of all divorce cases. The other two thirds put the blame on Instagram, Pinterest and Google Plus.

A report says that Facebook has been cited in a third of all divorce cases. Not from meeting other people, but because they have gotten fat from eating all the meals they make to post pictures of online.

A report says that Facebook has been cited in a third of all divorce cases. The main problem is when men get confused and accidentally send out a romantic message to their own wife.

Researchers say they may soon be able to use X-Rays to read ancient scrolls that were scorched 2,000 years ago during the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. Although conservative scientists are afraid they will just be political writings saying the approaching lava is a sign of global warming.

A study says that nearly half of all Japanese adults are not having sex. Mostly because when 127 Million people are crammed into an area the size of California, who can ever get any privacy?

A study says that even for active people, sitting for long periods can lead to a shorter life span. Although sitting for three hours or more at a time is really only a problem when it is in a booth at McDonald’s, Captain D’s or Taco Bell.

Netflix is planning to expand its streaming service to hotels. How lazy have we gotten that our vacation plans now center around which TV programs are available to watch?

The Mayor of Paris says she will sue Fox News for insulting the city’s image. To which the Democrats and President Obama are saying “You can do that?”

A sports agent in Chicago has been arrested in a fraud scheme to swindle his clients out of millions of dollars. Who does he think he is, some kind of sports agent?

Facebook says it is clamping down on fake news stories posted on the site. A spokesperson for the site says that fake news stories have their own place. On Fox News.

Facebook says it is clamping down on fake news stories posted on the site.The social media site wants fake posts limited to how happy, successful and wealthy people say they are in their posts.

A Georgia man was ticketed for eating a Quarter Pounder while driving. The worst part is that he was eating it while driving around looking for the nearest Burger King drive-thru.

A British man is being treated for being trapped in a “time warp” where he says he feels like he has previously experienced the events of each day. Either that or he needs to just stop watching the endless loop of cat videos posted on Youtube every day.

A British man is being treated for being trapped in a “time warp” where he says he feels like he has previously experienced the events of each day. Or as that is called in the U.S., middle class suburbia.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is planning a trip to London. He must be serious about running for President because it’s the last place anyone would book an international trip if they were going there just for the food.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is planning a trip to London. The only problem will be when he finds out he has been invited to a football game and he realizes it means he just agreed to watch three hours of soccer.

The tiger population in India has increased 30% in the past four years. The reasons are better awareness, protected areas and fatter and slower Indians.

Red Velvet Oreos will be reaching the shelves next month. Although for some reason the first shipments have all been exclusively directed to stores in Washington and Colorado.

The building that housed the world’s first Taco Bell in California is facing being torn down. Although there is a movement afoot to save it and turn it into a shelter for abandoned and unemployed chihuahuas.

The building that housed the world’s first Taco Bell in California is facing being torn down. At the very least it should be replaced by the same kind of business it is associated with. A gas station.

A report says that airlines are saving billions of dollars on fuel costs but will probably not lower their prices. Airlines spokespersons say that may happen right after they reduce their fees, widen their seats and improve customer service. Which is scheduled to happen right after the sun starts rising in the west.

Wal-Mart says it will cash tax refund checks in the hopes that people will spend the money in their stores. The only problem is finding any Wal-Mart customers who actually have an income that requires filing a tax return.

A report says that Peyton Manning has the most popular NFL jersey. Mostly from people who identify with him. Not for being an NFL quarterback, but in his Papa John’s commercials he also wears a football jersey while he works slinging pizzas.

A study says that walking on breaks with coworkers can make people feel better. Mostly because it’s harder for the boss to single anyone out to be laid off when they are always in a group setting.

An airline passenger who traveled through an Ebola infected country was hospitalized after landing in Newark, New Jersey. Other travelers were sympathetic towards the person. They would never wish on anyone traveling to be held over in Newark.

Pope Francis I says just because the Church has banned birth control doesn’t mean that Catholics have to “breed like rabbits.” Or he could just start approving contraception.

A study says that more than a third of seniors over 65 have fallen in the past two years. The other two thirds don’t have enough money in their estate to make it worthwhile for their kids to push them down the stairs.

A study says that a drink a day may lower the chances of middle aged people suffering from heart failure. Especially the ones who will have to cut back three or four drinks to make it down to one.

A survey says that half of the people in the world think they are overweight. The other half apparently don’t have access to a full-length mirror.

A survey says that half of the people in the world think they are overweight. The other half likes to say they are pleasantly plump, big boned or chunky.

A study says that drinking coffee daily may protect people from skin cancer. Especially the ones who sit in a coffee shop all day staring at their laptop and never getting out into the sunshine.

Sarah Palin slammed “Hollywood leftists” to defend military snipers after online remarks by Michael Moore and Seth Rogen about the movie “American Sniper.” Palin feels that firing guns from hidden locations protects other soldiers, makes combat safer for troops and puts moose meat on her table every night.

Peter Mayhew, who played the role of Chewbacca in “Star Wars” is reportedly suffering from pneumonia. Either that or he wouldn’t quit doing that Wookie growl during his annual physical.

One of Mark Wahlberg’s victims of racially motivated attacks in the 1980s says the actor shouldn’t be pardon as he is requesting. Most people feel that before he is pardoned for the crimes he needs to apologize. Not for the attacks, but his performance in “Rock Star.”

Justin Bieber is set to be roasted on Comedy Central. Although when referring to Bieber, instead of being roasted it should be called getting hard boiled.

Justin Bieber is set to be roasted on Comedy Central. Network executives are just hoping that there will be enough time for the comedians to come up with some material to slam Bieber.

Major League Baseball is planning to shorten the amount of time pitchers have to get ready between innings. That’s so that at Cubs games the playing time actually last longer than the warm up.

Golfer Dustin Johnson says that cocaine was not the “personal challenge” that kept him off the PGA Tour much of last year. Which is fueling speculation that he has been dating Elin Nordegren and has been in hiding after she caught him cheating.

The NFL is planning to use narrower goal posts along with longer extra points in the Pro Bowl. It’s the most exciting idea for the Pro Bowl since some of the players started playing “quarters” on the sidelines between possessions.

The NFL is planning to use narrower goal posts along with longer extra points in the Pro Bowl. Which puts even more pressure on the kickers since they are the only players who actually put more than a 50% effort into the game.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that the unemployment rate for IT workers is down to 2.5%. Mostly since the 500,000 out of work web programmers were hired by the government to try to keep the Obamacare website from going more than a few minutes between crashes.

The U.S. government has settled with a New York woman for $134,000 for using her personal information for a fake Facebook account. The only question is why didn’t they just use one of the half billion fake Facebook pages that make up for half the friend requests that are out there for free?

Facebook says it has boosted the global economy and labor force. Mostly from all the money being spent by women on private investigators to see who their husbands are talking with on Facebook.

Facebook says it has boosted the global economy and labor force. For instance, there have been millions of people who have a renewed interest in finding a new job ever since they got fired for being on Facebook all day at work.

A report says the most common password in 2014 was “123456.” But only because the passwords require six digits, otherwise they would just use their preferred password choice of “1.”

The NFL says that 11 of the 12 footballs used by the New England Patriots in last week’s playoff win over the Indianapolis Colts were partially deflated and weighed less than the required 14 to15 ounces. Tom Brady says he had no idea since the balls still weighed more than his super model wife.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! President Obama got great review for his State of the Union address. Mostly because no Republicans watched it. It was full of inflated accomplishments and empty promises. And he said he had no more campaigns to run. Apparently he was just trying to stay in practice. Of course, I practice writing jokes every day. To which people are asking when am I going to stop practicing and try for real. I’m getting there. All I need from you is to remember to make sure to keep sending the love!

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The New England Patriots are being investigated over allegations of using deflated balls in their playoff game against Indianapolis. Officials say they haven’t seen a football so flattened since Chris Christie was watching a practice and fell on a fumble.

This past Monday was dubbed “Blue Monday,” which by equation rates as the saddest day of the year. Apparently this year the information used in the equation included being a Packers fan.

This past Monday was dubbed “Blue Monday,” which by equation rates as the saddest day of the year. Although most men will tell you the saddest days of the year are April 15th tax day, waking up with a January 2nd hangover and every day forever after forgetting your anniversary.

A UPS driver in California has been arrested for stealing $200,000 in gold and silver. Which means in his case, orange is the new brown.

A UPS driver in California has been arrested for stealing $200,000 in gold and silver. The real person who should be arrested is the idiot who thought it was a good idea to ship $200,000 in precious metals through a package delivery service.

Tiger Woods was recently seen with a missing front tooth. Which brings up speculation that Lindsey Vonn caught him cheating and instead of a 9 iron, this time he was hit with a ski pole.

Tiger Woods was recently seen with a missing front tooth that was reportedly knocked out when he was accidentally hit by a photographer. His new caddy is getting the blame. Steve Williams would have tackled anyone a camera before they got within fifty feet of Woods.

Tiger Woods was photographed with a missing front tooth that was reportedly knocked out when he was accidentally hit by a photographer. That sounds suspicious. Who has ever had a camera get that close to them that wasn’t taking a dental X-Ray?

Scientists have reportedly developed a jet lag pill that fools the body into thinking that day is night. Until now, the only way travelers could be tricked into not knowing if it is day or night was to book a week’s stay in Las Vegas.

A report says that half of the global wealth will be controlled by the top 1% by 2016. But only if they give back a fourth of the 75% they already own.

Pope Francis I says men should listen to women more and not try to be so macho. This coming from someone who wears white robes, red shoes and a big pointy mitre every time he goes out of the house.

Pope Francis I says that the Church’s birth control ban doesn’t mean that members should feel they need to “breed like rabbits.” In fact, no one even knew that the Octomom was a practicing Catholic.

Pope Francis I says that the Church’s birth control ban doesn’t mean that members should feel they need to “breed like rabbits.” That’s only for Catholics who are of child bearing age, have sex and use the rhythm method.

Pope Francis I embraced a young girl in Manila who asked him why people allow children to become prostitutes. The Pope was surprised. Some people have to pay children for sex?

Some therapists are using neurofeedback as treatment that uses video games, movies and computers to help patients regulate their brainwaves. Mostly because they are easier to regulate when people use those activities to get their brain wave measurements down to around zero.

The discovery of a 60,000 year old tool has anthropologists giving credit to Neanderthals to being smarter than was previously thought. Although if they were really that smart they would have bought it from Sears and could have replaced it with the Craftsman lifetime warranty.

After the Packers’ last minute meltdown against the Seahawks Sunday, it has been reported the Fox affiliate in Green Bay has secured the rights to the movie “Heidi” for next year’s playoffs.

A report says that a college degree isn’t a guarantee against being replaced by automation. Just think of all the college graduates who had their blossoming careers at 7-Eleven cut short with the invention of the Slurpee machine.

Microsoft has patented a “theater mode” for cellphones. Apparently it can detect when the person sitting next to you at a movie is getting ready to pull out their pistol and shoot you because you have been talking and texting through the entire film.

Amazon is planning to produce and distribute 12 films a year. The movies will then go from theater to streaming in just a matter of weeks. They got the idea of going so fast from the theater to the Internet by charting Tom Arnold’s film career.

A study says that kids eat more calories, fat and salt on days when they are served pizza. Mostly because it’s hard to find any days where kids eat something other than pizza.

Penney’s is bringing back its hefty print book catalog five years after dropping it to concentrate on the Internet. Mostly for people who want to buy clothes but are too embarrassed to actually be seen shopping at Penney’s.

Penney’s is bringing back its hefty print book catalog five years after dropping it to concentrate on the Internet. Mostly because 98% of the people who shop at Penney’s have no idea what the Internet is.

New York City has had its most expensive home sale ever, a condo that went for $100.5 Million. Apparently the value comes from having one of the few views of the city that doesn’t include at least one sign saying “Trump.”

The founder of the social media site Plaxo has been arrested for murdering his ex-wife’s new husband. Apparently none of this would have happened if he had just thought to put in a “defriend” button.

The Beastie Boys are seeking $2.4 Million from the maker of Monster Energy drink to offset legal fees from their $1.7 Million jury award. And to also offset trying to live off song royalties that dried up back in 1987.

A report says that 62.7% of Americans are either working or looking for work. The other 37.3% are still hoping that there will be a 7-Eleven, Wal-Mart or McDonald’s opening soon within walking distance so they can maybe have the chance to get a job someday.

A survey says that people who have had a heart attack are twice as likely to be depressed as those who haven’t had a heart attack. Probably because they had a heart attack.

A survey says that people who have had a heart attack are twice as likely to be depressed as those who haven’t had a heart attack. Especially the ones who have already gotten their bills from the hospital and cardiologist.

A study says that cattle that have been genetically modified with human DNA might hold the key to a cure for Ebola. The real question is how overweight have we gotten that our DNA is being injected into cows because they just aren’t fat enough?

A study says that teenagers who get less sleep are more prone to risky behavior later on. Which is disappointing news for the parents of the three teenagers who actually sleep less than 14 hours a day.

Researchers say that by 2050 cancer will kill hardly anyone under 80. Apparently the study was done in Florida and Arizona where by 2050 there won’t be anyone under 80.

A study says it is possible to predict how long a person will live by finding out what their friends think of them. Which would be bad news for Donald Trump except for the fact that no one would even claim to be his friend.

A study says it is possible to predict how long a person will live by finding out what their friends think of them. Which is an interesting situation for Kim Kardashian who has 2 Million friends but they only exist on Facebook.

A study says that ads for booze can lead a child to drink for the first time or if they already do to drink more. Which really wasn’t a concern until the newest character on “My Little Pony” turned out to be a Clydesdale.

A study says that stressful jobs can increase the risk of having a stroke. The only problem is that having any job today comes with the stress of wondering if you will be coming back to work tomorrow.

A study says that stressful jobs can increase the risk of having a stroke. The good news is that if the stroke is severe enough, you won’t ever have to worry about having to go back to work again.

A study says that underimmunized and unvaccinated families tend to live in clusters. Which is probably why the recent measles outbreak happened at Disneyland where all those people who hadn’t been inoculated were celebrating their “Small World.”

Facebook’s oldest user just celebrated her 107th birthday. Her account is easy to find. It’s the one with all the pictures of the mush she ate for breakfast.

Facebook’s oldest user just celebrated her 107th birthday. She originally became a member to put together enough pictures of herself to start an account at Match.com.

A study says that stopping smoking, getting active and losing weight are easier if a person’s partner is involved. Although when one person tries to get in shape their partner usually just gets involved in hiring a private investigator to see if they are having an affair.

A study says that stopping smoking, getting active and losing weight are easier if a person’s partner is involved. Which for most women, becoming involved means constantly telling their husbands to get their rear ends off the couch.

A report says that Millennials are set to outnumber Baby Boomers. Mostly because there are so many Millennials’ thanks to Boomers like Michael Douglas who had all their kids after 50.

Miss Lebanon complained she was photobombed by Miss Israel at the Miss Universe beauty pageant. Although contest officials were understandably concerned when there are two Middle Easterners who are having a dispute that contains the word “bomb.”

“Real Housewives” star Yolanda Foster says that Lyme disease has caused her to lose the ability to read and write. Which means the disability could cause her to be sent from her reality show to where she would be more at home, on “The Kardashians.”

Sharon Osbourne says she is afraid she will die from Alzheimer’s Disease. If she develops the illness, at least she will be able to spend her final years finally being able to finally understand Ozzie.

A survey from Microsoft says that technology is improving life around the world. How else could someone in Somalia make the time pass more enjoyably while waiting to see where their next meal is coming from than checking out the latest pictures of Kim Kardashian with their cellphone on Instagram?

A survey from Microsoft says that technology is improving life around the world. Mostly for people who finally have options to buy computers that aren’t run by Windows.

A Taiwanese man died after playing video games at a cafe for three straight days. The reaction was consistent by gamers in the U.S. “Wimp!”

Scientists have concluded that people don’t load their dishwashers correctly. This coming from researchers who eat every meal out of a paper box from a Chinese restaurant.

Scientists have concluded that people don’t load their dishwashers correctly. Apparently it is a problem only with women since men are satisfied to wash their dishes by letting their dog lick them clean.

A report says “The X-Files” may be returning to TV. Which is great news for people who didn’t own a TV set back in 1996.

A report says “The X-Files” may be returning to TV. Although most people think “The X-Files” on TV is what happens any time Kim Kardashian gets near a video camera.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the sixth anniversary of the first Inauguration of President Obama. Or as Republican members of Congress call that, the day they quit working. Which means we have had six years to recover from the recession without the people in Washington, D.C. messing it up even more. Which shows that the system does work. What also works is my system where I punch out a bunch of jokes and all I ever ask for in return is for you to remember to once in awhile make sure to send the love!

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Scientists say 2014 was the hottest year for the planet since records have been kept. Reports from Washington say that solar radiation levels are getting so high that John Boehner hasn’t had to go to a tanning salon in the past three years.

A study says that ocean life is facing a mass extinction. At least until Red Lobster cancels its promotion for the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet.

The book “The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven” was pulled by its publisher after the authors admitted it was a lie. The book was written by Kevin Malarkey about what was supposedly told to him by his son Alex Malarkey. It turns out the whole book was just a bunch of Malarkey.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie scolded local media for being what he called “self consumed” and “acting like children.” He then said he would show them and they will be sorry when he doesn’t talk to them anymore after he is elected to his rightful place as President.

A study says that closing your eyes can help with the ability to recall things better. Which means that if GM would start designing and building their cars with their eyes open, maybe they wouldn’t end up having to recall all of them.

The world’s first animals-only terminal will be opening up at JFK Airport. And will probably shut down right after the first TSA agent tries to perform a pre-boarding cavity search on a pit bull.

China is planning a database for bad behavior to stop their citizens from unruly behavior in other countries. No one knew there was a problem with Chinese travelers until it was discovered that the Great Wall was actually built by other countries to keep the Chinese inside.

A 17 year old boy masqueraded as a doctor in a Florida hospital for a month before being caught. Hospital officials became suspicious when he said he couldn’t work a scheduled late shift because it was on a school night.

A 17 year old boy masqueraded as a doctor in a Florida hospital for a month before being caught. Hospital officials became suspicious when he put all of his patients on a strict diet of chicken nuggets and french fries.

A report says that Washington growers are struggling with a glut of legal marijuana. Apparently the glut was caused when many of the growers just realized they had forgotten to harvest their crops from the past two years.

Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions says that President Obama is trying to make Congress a museum piece. Which is easy to understand since Congress is also a place where hundreds of ancient artifacts are preserved in a lifelike setting.

Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions says that President Obama is trying to make Congress a museum piece. Which is no surprise, especially ever since most of the members of Congress started having their yearly physical exams conducted by a team of anthropologists.

A report says that the price meat, poultry and eggs are at record highs. Wouldn’t you know that comes right at the time that gas prices fall low enough that people can actually go shopping for food again?

The federal government says the majority of public school students are living below the poverty line. Which is good because they need to get used to that idea after they try to enter the work force with a public school education.

The federal government says the majority of public school students are living below the poverty line. Which is good, since a public education will keep them from being accepted into college where they would be really broke after paying off their tuition loans.

Disney CEO Bob Iger made $46.5 Million in 2014. Which finally put enough money in his pocket where he could actually afford to take his family for a week’s vacation to Disneyland.

A report says that California’s economy has passed Russia and Italy and is approaching that of Brazil. Which is about as impressive as saying your football team is better than the Jets, Raiders and Jaguars.

A report says oil is back to its normal price per barrel based on a 100 year average. Meaning that the oil companies made enough money by jacking up the prices since 2007 to get them through the next century.

Los Angeles schools are planning to offer dinner to students at every school. Apparently it’s part of their new program called “No Child Leaves Before They Dine.”

A New York woman has filed a will leaving a six figure trust fund along with a $1 Million house to her dog. Which means the dog will be living in luxury so whenever it gets thirsty it will have four special porcelain drinking fountains to pick from.

A New York woman has filed a will leaving a six figure trust fund along with a $1 Million house to her dog. The worst part is her kids will have to split a box of Milk Bones and a $50 gift certificate for a wash and cut from PetSmart.

Arizona will now require students to pass a civics test in order to graduate. The only problem is that most high school students think “civics” are cars made by Honda.

Arizona will now require students to pass a civics test in order to graduate, thanks to a bill passed by the legislature. Ironically, if more people understood civics they wouldn’t be constantly reelecting the same people to run their state and local governments.

Arizona will now require students to pass a civics test in order to graduate.  Now all they need to do is figure out how to get their students to pass tests in math, history and science.

A study says the wealthy pay a lower percentage than the poor in state and local taxes. Mostly because they have tax lawyers who have figured out how they can pay the same rate as they do on their federal taxes. Zero.

The Post Office wants to raise the price of mailing a postcard from 34 to 35 cents. To which anyone under age 60 is asking “What’s a postcard?”

The Treasury Department is warning U.S. casinos against making illegal sports bets. Although as far as the casinos are concerned, the only bets that should be made illegal are the ones where the house loses.

The Treasury Department is warning U.S. casinos against making illegal sports bets. To which the casinos are saying if gamblers want to see something illegal, just try to leave without paying off any gambling debts.

A federal official says that global weakness is the main threat to the U.S. economy. The only problem is that the rest of the world is so weak from what Wall Street was doing to everyone back in 2007.

The Supreme Court is set to take on the issue of same sex marriage. Which has about the same chance of passing through the high court is it would be to see all the justices change over to wearing rainbow colored robes.

Frontier Airlines says it will replace 1,300 employees with contractors. The scary part will be when passengers see the person they handed their boarding pass to who also loaded their luggage puts on the captain’s hat and gets into the cockpit.

Elon Musk says he is now planning a space Internet powered by hundreds of satellites orbiting the Earth. In an unrelated story, AOL says they will try to upgrade their Internet to where it can actually perform dial up with something other than rotary phones.

The IRS says that income tax returns could take longer to send out this year. Which is OK with most people who have been waiting to even have an income to report since 2007.

Low box office nominees are causing concern that the Oscars telecast on ABC in February could have a low ratings. It could be worse. The telecast could be scheduled by ABC to follow “The Goldbergs.”

A study says that women are less likely to get PhDs in fields that idolize brilliance and genius. Mostly because who wants to spend four years in college having to work around the biggest nerds on the entire campus?

A study says that older women tend to be more satisfied with their lives if they have better bone health. Mostly because there is nothing worse than thinking you are waking up to the break of dawn when that sound was actually the breaking of your femur.

A study says that Vitamin D is linked to a lower risk of colorectal cancer. The only bad part is the person who made the discovery when they accidentally sat on a carton of milk.

A study says that art therapy can help kids who are depressed and have low self-esteem along with behavioral problems. Which makes sense since the main requirements to be an artist are to be depressed with low self-esteem and behavioral problems.

A study says that tanning addiction can be genetic. Which means the George Hamilton could actually turn out to be a long lost relative of John Boehner.

A study says that drinking before going to bed could disrupt a person’s sleep. Especially when the person’s wife looks over and sees them trying to sneak into the bedroom at three in the morning.

A survey says that many people who drink also take prescription drugs. Mostly painkillers for the injuries they get from falling down when they are drunk.

A group says that fewer than 20% of the nominees for non-acting categories at the Oscars are women. Mostly because the men in the Academy are only familiar with the names of the women they have seen naked on screen.

The Black Crowes have reportedly broken up after 24 years together. Which is big news for anyone still living in 1992.

LeBron James has become the youngest NBA player to reach 24,000 points at age 30. In reaching the milestone he passed the career point totals of Charles Barkley, Vince Carter and the L.A. Clippers.

A report says that with the thawing of relations with the U.S., Cuba is on the verge of a technical revolution. People who have grown up on the island are excited about the possibility of soon being able to own their own record player, Instamatic film camera and transistor radio.

Congressional Republicans are proposing net neutrality changes that would gut the authority of the FCC. Which is no big deal since the FCC is still working on what they should do about the Janet Jackson SuperBowl wardrobe malfunction.

A study says there could be two planets larger than Earth lurking beyond Pluto. Scientists say one of them could be named after Kim Kardashian, but only if its size is larger than Uranus.

Gunshots were reported in the vicinity of Joe Biden’s house in Delaware Saturday. It turns out everything was OK, it was just Biden shooting himself in the foot again.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is Martin Luther King Day. Or as they call it in Arizona and South Carolina, Monday. Hopefully you will have the day off to celebrate. Most people certainly celebrate when I take the day off from my joke writing. Take some time to appreciate your civil rights and try not to get into a position where someone is reading your Miranda rights. Just remember, you always have the right to send the love!

Friday, January 16, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A teenager has opened a pawn shop in New York City that takes high end athletic shoes as collateral. The sad part is that people are pawning their current sneakers to get money to buy the latest edition of Air Jordans.

Billionaire Carlos Slim has become the largest investor in the New York Times. Apparently he is determined to have the world know him as Millionaire Carlos Slim.

Lithuania has printed a manual telling its citizens how to survive an invasion from Russia. Apparently it was an old manual already in print that was found by the nation’s leaders. The only change they had to make was translating it from French.

Lithuania has printed a manual telling its citizens how to survive an invasion from Russia. It pretty much tells them to just wait it out for about ten minutes until the Lithuanian Army has officially surrendered.

An analysis says the average life expectancy for the next generation will be close to 100. Which is good news since the way the economy is going, by then that will give them about five years to enjoy their retirement.

New apps allow people to book trips to the ER with their smartphone. Which is ironic, especially for people who need to go to the ER because they crashed into a tree while they were texting behind the wheel.

Pope Francis I says that free speech has limits. Which is quite an understatement coming from the person leading the church that carried out the Inquisition.

Pope Francis I says that free speech has limits. Which is why the Church has been trying to keep their altar boys from talking to authorities for years.

New York legislators may try to pass a Death With Dignity law this month. Which won’t mean anything for most elderly New Yorkers unless they pass the same measure down in Florida.

Southwest Airlines has been fined a record $1.6 Million by the FAA for letting their planes sit too long on the Tarmac. Not only that, they could face a lawsuit for copyright violation from JetBlue.

A study says the environment and germs are more of an influence on a person’s immune system than their genes. Which is why there could be an outbreak of Ebola and the Plague and Paris Hilton wouldn’t even develop a case of the sniffles.

A study says the environment and germs are more of an influence on a person’s immune system than their genes. Which means if their was a nuclear war, the two species most likely to survive are cockroaches and residents of New Jersey.

The CDC says this year’s flu shot is only 23% effective. Or as the vaccine manufacturers would prefer to say it, this year’s flu is 77% effective.

The CDC says this year’s flu shot is only 23% effective. Or as GM calls a product with a success rate of 23%, an engineering breakthrough.

Darrell Winfield, called the real Marlboro Man has died at age 85. Funeral arrangements are pending until it is decided on if he will be buried in a pack or box.

A study says the Earth may be less safe for humans in the near future. Mostly from all the generations where the Earth was less safe from humans.

A study says the Earth may be less safe for humans in the near future. Which will be different than it has been up to this point where it was mostly humans have been less safe from other humans.

A typographical error on rugs ordered by a Florida sheriff’s department read “In Dog We Trust.” Which brought a laugh when arrested suspects were brought into the office to be read their Rimanda Rights.

A federal study says there is no effective alternative to the government’s bulk collection of citizens’ cellphone data. Other than actually picking up and actually reading all the way through that thing called the Constitution.

A Mormon man who runs a website with forums for church members questioning their faith says he is going to be excommunicated. Which apparently is what happens to members whose faith is questioned by the Church.

A survey says the percentage of Americans who say the top U.S. problem is jobs is at a 6 year low. Mostly from the people who have just given up after being out of work the past six years.

A report says that mobile malware was up 75% in 2014. Although that was mostly for people who used their cellphones to make payments on their Target account.

The owner of a dry cleaning store in Menlo Park, California has been arrested for defrauding customers out of $678,000. When those people went to the cleaners, they were really taken to the cleaners.

The owner of a dry cleaning store in Menlo Park, California has been arrested for defrauding customers out of $678,000. Authorities became suspicious after wondering how a dry cleaner could make $678,000 in a city where no one wears anything but Polo shirts and khaki pants.

The American Society of Magazine Editors has announced its Award finalists for 2015. The winners will give the magazines they work for the prestige they need that could result in them doubling the number of people subscribing to their publications to 12.

The American Society of Magazine Editors has announced its Award finalists for 2015. The worst part for the winners is that when the results are listed in Readers’ Digest, they always just put in their initials.

Anheuser-Busch has launched an at-home beer delivery service in Washington, D.C. The only problem is waking up the next morning and having to shovel off all the Clydesdale droppings in your front yard.

Anheuser-Busch has launched an at-home beer delivery service in Washington, D.C.The service won’t be available on Capitol Hill or K Street since no members of Congress or lobbyists would be caught dead drinking anything other than champagne, vintage wines or rare Cognac.

The IRS Commissioner is telling taxpayers to call their help lines only “as a last resort.” To which most Americans are telling the IRS to expect any of them to have any income to tax as a last resort.

The IRS Commissioner is telling taxpayers to call their help lines only “as a last resort.” Which is no problem for most Americans who would rather take financial guidance from Bernie Madoff than the IRS.

A report says that RadioShack is trying to sell several thousand of it stores to Sprint. Sprint is said to be interested in buying the stores but the only snag is that RadioShack keeps asking them if they would also like to buy some batteries.

A survey says the number of Americans experiencing financial distress from their medical bills is dropping. Mostly because they are now more in financial distress from college tuition, mortgage payments and holiday shopping.

A study says that limiting eating to a 12 hour window makes it easier to keep from gaining weight. Except for those people who means they get to actually eat during that entire 12 hours.

A study says that limiting eating to a 12 hour window makes it easier to keep from gaining weight. The only thing getting in the way is the temptation from the 24 hour drive-thru window at McDonald’s.

A study says that a person’s blood type can increase their chance for heart disease. There is a higher risk for people with type A, B and AB, but the way to tell if you are really in danger is when your blood has approximately the same viscosity as maple syrup.

A blood test is available for $99 that gives people a clue to their longevity by revealing their “biological age.” Although anyone who forks over $99 for a blood test can pretty much consider themselves to be born yesterday.

A study says a lack of exercise is twice as deadly as being obese. Of course it’s worse when people are obese because the only exercise they get is walking back and forth from the couch to the refrigerator.

A study says that being around strangers causes stress that makes it harder to feel others’ pain. Which anyone who has ever been through enhanced interrogation by the CIA will say “Tell me about it.”

A report says that health premiums in Alaska are three times higher than they are in Arizona. Mostly because you are three times more likely to be gunned down in Alaska by getting mistaken for a moose by Sarah Palin.

An assemblywoman in New York is pushing a bill to make declawing cats illegal. She says the reasons for the legislation are that it is painful to the cats, unnatural and that her husband owns a furniture store.

An assemblywoman in New York is pushing a bill to make declawing cats illegal. She is asking why the state legislature is the only place where everyone always has their claws out.

The CDC says the U.S. birth rate remained at an all-time low in 2013. People who want to see the birth rate go up have only one solution. Someone needs to fix up the Octomom with Kevin Federline.

A survey says that women who used social media frequently to connect with friends and family feel less stress. Mostly because the rest of the day they are stuck at home trying to figure out what besides football they can talk to their husband about.

A survey says that women who used social media frequently to connect with friends and family feel less stress than men. Especially because the men are stressed out their wives will find out who they have been exchanging messages with on Facebook.

Rosie Perez says she is leaving “The View” after cohosting for four months. Apparently she feels her work there was done once she was finally able to get a word in edgewise.

Bethenny Frankel is set to launch a strain of pot called “Skinny Girl marijuana” that reportedly doesn’t give users the munchies. It’s for women who like to stay high and thin at the same time without having to go through all the trouble to constantly try to score more diet pills, meth or heroin.

Lowell W. Paxson, the man who started the Home Shopping Network has died at age 79. He made it possible for people to shop without leaving their couch. Which means callers were encouraged to order any items two sizes larger.

Lowell W. Paxson, the man who started the Home Shopping Network has died at age 79. The family has announced that front row pews for the funeral are still available for anyone calling in the next ten minutes.

Beyonce is reportedly catching up to Kim Kardashian as the person with the most followers on Instagram. Which is pretty good for someone who can actually do something else besides mug for the camera.

Bruce Jenner is being photoshopped as a woman along with a declaration he is coming out as transgender on the latest cover of In Touch magazine. If nothing else, it was the first time the words “in touch” have ever been used along with someone associated with the Kardashians.

Muhammad Ali has been hospitalized for a urinary tract infection. “The Greatest” can still float like a butterfly, but now it stings when he pees.

The coach of a California high school girls basketball team has been suspended after his team won a game 161-2. Parents were furious. How could he allow the other team to spoil their chance at a shutout?

RadioShack stock plunged after reports of their impending bankruptcy. Financial experts were surprised. People still own stock in RadioShack?

RadioShack stock plunged after reports of their impending bankruptcy. Financial experts were confused. Someone was actually surprised by RadioShack going bankrupt?

A website called Hacker’s List offers hackers for hire to do people’s online dirty work. Although if anyone wants to make someone’s online experience full of constant misery all they need to do is buy them a computer that is operated by Windows Vista.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Isn’t the Internet great? Just push a few buttons and you get dozens of the funniest jokes you will ever read. Then there is this blog you can also get into. At least I give it a try. I guarantee there are dozens of jokes that are mostly grammatically correct. Which is important as any mother will tell you. And all I ever ask in return is that once in awhile you remember to send the love!