Sunday, May 20, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


An Air Force base in North Dakota after losing a box of grenades is now missing a machine gun. No one even knew the TV show “F Troop” was actually based on a real outpost.

 An Air Force base in North Dakota after losing a box of grenades is now missing a machine gun. What’s even worse is now the base commander is asking if anyone has seen his F-15 fighter jet.

Kim Kardashian is being questioned about her children’s privacy after sending out pictures of them taking a bath. To which the entire Kardashian family is asking “What’s privacy?”

Orioles manager Buck Showalter began making a pitching change before a batter on the opposing team was even done with his home run trot. What’s even worse for a pitcher is when the manager already has a reliever on the mound in time to get the throw back from the catcher.

A fishing incident sent Georgia quarterback Jake Fromm to the hospital with a hook stuck in his leg. Which was unexpected as too much hook in the leg is usually a problem suffered by the kicker.

The “Yanny” or “Laurel” Internet controversy has people hearing different words when listening to the same audio recording. Just like Donald Trump’s supporters at the mention of his name hear “Abraham Lincoln” and uttering the word “Hillary” has them hearing “Satan.”

A plane crashed in Cuba one day after the airline grounded a third of its fleet for safety reasons. What’s even worse is the other two thirds were grounded because they were waiting for engine parts taken off a 1957 Chevy.

Amsterdam is trying to contain the flood of tourists into what is becoming known as a “party city.” What they need to do to stop that problem is just make it like the cities that don’t have that same worry, like Moscow, Tehran and Pyongyang.

Donald Trump says the Justice Department is out to frame him. It’s just too bad he isn’t in some sort of position of power where he is responsible for who is in charge of the department and who was appointed to investigate him.

Donald Trump reportedly pushed the Post Office to double the rate charges for Amazon. Which still works out because they make up for it by having to ship the exchanges for the stuff they sell that doesn’t work back and forth three or four times.

A report says 51 Million households can’t afford a monthly budget for housing, food, childcare, healthcare, transportation and cellphones. To which the Trump Administration says they just have to work on the idea of “pick any two.”

A report says 51 Million households can’t afford a monthly budget for housing, food, childcare, healthcare, transportation and cellphones. Just how spoiled have we gotten where people actually feel entitled to have access to all those luxuries?

A report says 51 Million households can’t afford a monthly budget for housing, food, childcare, healthcare, transportation and cellphones. To which Donald Trump’s staff is saying they also have tough choices, between first class air travel, five star hotels and $100 a bottle Champagne.

A study says people from small towns and rural areas are happier. Mostly because they made the rest of us all have to live with Donald Trump as President.

A former WWF wrestler was beaten in front of his home in L.A. in a dispute for a parking space. He could have defended himself if only he had remembered to put that folding chair in his trunk.

A Stormy Daniels strip show in Oregon ended when a drunk patron threw his wallet in her face. To which Donald Trump says he already tried that and it doesn’t work.

A proposed farm bill in the House failed when conservatives revolted over immigration. Which will all be settled once Congress learns we can’t have one without the other.

A Boston restaurant called Spyce has a robotic kitchen to prepare food. The only problem is when the waiter asks customers if they want their order fried in olive oil, canola oil or 10W-40 oil.

A Mexican man may be the oldest in the world at 121 years, saying work is the key to long life. To which Donald Trump says that’s fine, just not here.

A Brooklyn hairstylist threw a complaining customer through a plate glass window. To which the hairdresser says he was just obliging the person who asked for a “cut.”

Pierce Brosnan sold an original painting for $1.4 Million. It turns out that James Bond may be the one who has gold fingers.

Pierce Brosnan sold an original painting for $1.4 Million. Apparently there was a mix-up when the buyer thought they were getting an original Remington when it was really a Remington Steele.

Data says 16% of Americans say they will work until they are 75. The other 84% would except they are pretty sure they will be dead by the time they are 74.

Data says 16% of Americans say they will work until they are 75. Which is good to know they intend to keep their end of the bargain and keep going until they completely pay off all their college loans.

A gunman who took shots at a Donald Trump hotel in Florida turns out to be a male stripper and porn star. Apparently he was upset at doing the same thing as Stormy Daniels while not getting any of the attention.

The Facebook data leak has exposed intimate details of millions of users. Although if someone really wanted to get intimate details of Facebook users, all they have to do is read any of their posts.

Millions of people lined the streets for the Royal Wedding over the weekend. The last time there was a slow-moving procession with that many people watching, the lead car was a white Ford Bronco.

The reported cost of the Royal Wedding was $45 Million. Which people wondered if that was a good idea for a young couple like that to spend so much money on a wedding when they could have instead used it for a down payment on a starter castle.

Healthcare provider Kaiser Permanente has pledged $200 Million to fight homelessness. Who are mostly homeless because they went broke trying to pay off all their medical bills.

IKEA is offering its own rewards-based credit card. The only problem is the card arrives in pieces and takes three hours to put together.

Google has revealed a robocaller with a voice that sounds eerily human. That was achieved by teaching it to use grammatical errors, awkward pauses and by starting every sentence with “So…”

Google has revealed a robocaller with a voice that sounds eerily human. That was achieved by making calls to California that always say “Like, you know,” calls to Brooklyn that say “Dese, dose and youse” and to Texas that end every sentence with “Y’all!”

Hasbro has trademarked the scent of Play-Doh. Which is fine if they are intending to come up with a fragrance line for three year olds.

A British study says marketing “light” beer and wine may backfire, causing people to drink more. Pretty much like “fat free” hasn’t resulted in the world having more skinny people.

A British study says marketing “light” beer and wine may backfire, causing people to drink more. Especially if the study included the Irish, who feel beer and wine pretty much are low alcohol.

A 70 year old Vermont woman is accused of making the deadly toxin ricin and testing it on fellow residents in her retirement community. People were shocked. Who is able these days to retire at 70?

A 70 year old Vermont woman is accused of making the deadly toxin ricin and testing it on fellow residents in her retirement community. Remember the old days when people in retirement homes just pranked each other by putting food coloring in their dentures glass?

The FDA has approved a new drug treatment for migraine headaches that costs $7,000 a year. Which is perfect for people who get a throbbing headache when they find their prescription plan doesn’t cover any of the $7,000.

A proposed bill in New York will make it illegal to force workers to take phone calls and e-mails after work hours. Especially when the e-mails and calls come in on their cellphones and keep from using them for texting, video games and social media.

The WHO says the Ebola health risk is “very high” in the Democratic Republic of the Congo but not yet an international emergency. Mostly because there are always 27 other more pressing health emergencies going on at any given time in the Congo.

Bill Gates says Donald Trump was confused of the difference between HIV and HPV. Mostly because the only initials he cares about are the ones that got him in the White House, PA, MI and OH.

The FDA is shaming drug makers fighting competitors selling generics. In fact, pharmaceutical CEOs are so upset they are having to calm down by buying new vacation homes in the Hamptons.

A UK woman lost her hearing because of a buildup of earwax. The embarrassing part was when she showed up at the audiologist’s office naked because she was told she needed a wax job.

Queen Elizabeth II loaned Meghan Markle a diamond tiara for her wedding. That was the “borrowed” part. The “blue” could have been taken care of if she used the Queen’s hair to wear under the tiara.

Queen Elizabeth II loaned Meghan Markle a diamond tiara for her wedding. Apparently the couple needed the tiara when they went over their allotted budget of $45 Million for the wedding and just didn’t have enough left over to buy their own.

Elizabeth Hurley says Meghan Markle will be an “asset” to the Royal Family. Which is a real compliment when referring to a family that is pretty much built around its assets.

“Teen Mom OG” star Catelynn Lowell says putting her daughter up for adoption was “one of the hardest decisions of her life.” What is sad is that she had no problem making the decision to be on “Teen Mom OG.”

Cowboys wide receiver Terrance Williams was arrested for public intoxication after crashing his Lamborghini and leaving the scene. Or as people who are not NFL stars who drive Lamborghinis call that, a DUI.

Terrell Owens ripped Cowboys coach Jason Garrett, saying its “mind boggling” he still has a job. What’s even more mind boggling is how someone with Owens’ talent developed a reputation that kept him out of steady work since 2008.

The Cowboys offensive line coach says he doesn’t want players who aren’t smart enough to get ketchup out of a bottle. Which means the best way to get on the team is show up with a jersey with the name and number “Heinz” and “57.”

The Cowboys offensive line coach says he doesn’t want players who aren’t smart enough to get ketchup out of a bottle. What’s worse is the ones who can get ketchup out of a bottle but only because they looked up the tutorial on Youtube.

Johnny Manziel says he has signed with the Hamilton Tiger-Cats in the CFL. He immediately trademarked his new Canadian nickname of “Johnny Football, eh?”

A 93 year old Ohio man made a hole-in-one on what was going to be his last round of golf ever. Apparently he considers the 65 years he played golf before that as just practice.

Ricky Barnes was disqualified from the AT&T Byron Nelson for signing an incorrect scorecard. What’s worse is that it was because he signed it “Ben Hogan.”

The U.S. and China have agreed on a tentative cut to the American trade deficit. Which apparently is why Donald Trump has been going after Amazon as the entire deficit is the amount of crap they keep bringing into the country from China.

The first holographic smartphone will be released this year. The amazing part will be for people texting behind the wheel who will be able to see inside their vehicle a 3-D high resolution image of the tree they are about to hit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Did you all watch the Royal Wedding? Me neither. Are you serious? Isn’t having a Royal Family the whole reason we fought the Revolutionary War? I would have been more interested in watching if they instead went to the justice of the peace, tied the knot and gave the $45 Million to the London homeless. The fun part is knowing they realize after spending that much money on a wedding they better not get divorced. I know everyone loves a fairy tale wedding with the fabulously wealthy couple that will be happy forever, but at the end of the day it’s a man and a woman and no matter how perfect their life looks on the outside, there are going to be times where life with each other isn’t so rosy and they will have to deal with it. And that was an incredibly long running sentence. I wish them the best, because I love the Royal Family who despite being in another country still give a good amount of material to this blog. As far as I’m concerned the way to live happily ever after is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



Friday, May 18, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Millions of eggs have been recalled due to a salmonella outbreak caused by “unacceptable rodent activity.” The question being just exactly what is acceptable rodent activity?

Millions of eggs have been recalled due to a salmonella outbreak caused by “unacceptable rodent activity.” The only acceptable rodent activity apparently being a rat pulling a pizza slice down some stairs.

Michael Cohen reportedly asked Qatar for $1 Million for access to and advice about the Trump Administration. Apparently Qatar officials were only interested in the real scoop about Stormy Daniels.

The childbirth rate in the U.S. has dropped to an all-time low. Which can mean only one thing. Kevin Federline has finally gotten a vasectomy.

A study says the U.S. has spent $2.8 Trillion on the fight against terrorism. And all they got for that were a bunch of naked pictures of people who were sent through the airport body scanners.

Ten children in a California home were reportedly waterboarded, shot with a crossbow and had scalding water poured on them. The good news is their parents are now being recruited for positions as agents in the CIA.

Bumble Bee’s CEO has been indicted for fixing the price of tuna. How ironic that the CEO of Bumble Bee was caught in a sting operation.

The CEO of Bumble Bee has been indicted for fixing the price of tuna. When he asked for a reduction in bail, the judge said “Sorry, Charlie.”

Millions of eggs have been recalled due to a salmonella outbreak caused by “unacceptable rodent activity. Now he’s worry about being canned.

FM radio in the UK is facing a government switch-off as digital listening has passed 50%. The danger is that with FM gone, there is no format left where people can hear the full version of “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.”

A computer has reportedly cracked the code of pop music success, saying it helps to be “female” and “happy.” That’s just more bad news for the group U2.

Donald Trump says the U.S. is not repeating the Libyan Model with North Korea. The fear being we will instead use the models we used in Iraq, Vietnam or the Bay of Pigs.

Donald Trump says the U.S. is not repeating the Libyan Model with North Korea. Mostly because there is no need since we never signed a peace agreement with North Korea, and we can just pick the war back up where we left it in 1953.

A NASA study says there have been major changes in the fresh water availability worldwide. Mostly in the fact that fresh water can still be found just about anywhere other than Flint, Michigan.

The NIH has stopped a $100 Million study on moderate drinking that was funded by the alcohol industry. Especially when it turns out the money was being raised with games of “quarters” and “beer pong.”

Pope Francis I says Chilean bishops will get past their sex scandal. Mostly in the usual way the Church gets through sex scandals, by doing absolutely nothing about it.

An appellate court has denied Donald Trump’s motion to freeze Summer Zervos’ defamation suit. The bad news for Zervos is that the court told her when it comes to suing Donald Trump for defamation, she will just have to get in line like everyone else.

Singapore is working on cutting the number of people there who are nearsighted. They say they would have acted sooner but that hindsight is always 20/20.

Singapore is working on cutting the number of people there who are nearsighted. Experts say the rate is so high because children there spend so much time reading and writing. Which is good news for American kids who using that formula will never need glasses in their life.

Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti is being accused of stiffing a former partner. Which turns out for anyone representing Stormy Daniels, “stiffing” someone is a poor choice of words.

Meghan Markle will have to adopt the Royal Code of Etiquette after marrying Prince Harry. Which like the rest of the Royal Family pretty much means not getting up before noon, finding ways to pretend to be busy and most importantly always having one hand doing the Royal parade wave.

A Florida man threatening to blow up mosques was caught by authorities using caller ID. Which shows that if you want to be a terrorist, at least go through the trouble to learn how to use “*67.”

The U.S. just completed rare joint naval exercises with the French. Rare in the fact that the French forces did not go through the entire exercise in retreat.

Meghan Markle as a Royal will be getting a crash course on escape and evasion. Mostly escaping any type of real work and evading anyone holding a camera.

Meghan Markle as a Royal will be getting a crash course on escape and evasion. Apparently she wants the training not so much to escape and evade terrorists or kidnappers, but on how to avoid running into anyone from her family.

The British are considering arming police officers in rural areas. Apparently they don’t need them for law enforcement there, it’s just so when they get bored they can kill time shooting at squirrels.

The British are considering arming police officers in rural areas. Apparently they are getting serious about stopping any more space aliens from coming down and making those crop circles.

A report says fewer Americans are putting off weddings and children because of money. Mostly because people feel safe getting married when they’re broke, especially when divorce doesn’t matter because you can’t lose half of nothing.

An analysis says Uber drivers take home $9.21 an hour, less than minimum wage in many cities. Apparently it’s a tradeoff for people who think it at least sounds cooler to say they drive for Uber rather than saying they work for 7-Eleven, McDonald’s or Wal-Mart.

A report raises doubts that Millennials will use Facebook’s proposed dating site. Especially when most of the people in the site’s dating pool are their parents’ friends.

Facebook is proposing a new dating service to try to get business from their 200 Million single users. The only problem is that 199.9 Million of their “single” users are actually married men who have a fake site to hit on other women.

A poll says three fourths of Americans see, read or hear about Donald Trump’s tweets. Especially the people who need to keep up on things while making the decision on whether or not to build a backyard bomb shelter.

The FDA is planning to publicly name drug companies standing in the way of cheaper generics. Which it turns out is pretty much all of them.

The American Heart Association says eating fish twice a week can ward off heart disease. That’s true. When is the last time you ever saw someone giving CPR to a shark?

The American Heart Association says eating fish twice a week can ward off heart disease. Although that doesn’t include fried fish, which is not heart healthy. In fact, people don’t realize that because of fried fish, the “D” in Captain D’s stands for “defibrillator.”

A study says young Americans get half their smoke through hookahs. The other half prefers to call it by its less sophisticated name of “bong.”

A study says young Americans get half their smoke through hookahs. Which confused Donald Trump who says Stormy Daniels is an adult film star, not a “hookah.”

The CDC says parasites and bacteria may be lurking in hotel pools and hot tubs. Although it turns out that water is still safer than anything coming out of the tap in Flint, Michigan.

The CDC says parasites and bacteria may be lurking in hotel pools and hot tubs. But they are still not as disgusting as the creepy guy who just got out of the hot tub before you wearing a pair of Speedos.

A study says teens who watch more medical marijuana ads are more likely to smoke pot. Which just means those companies have found a very good advertising agency.

A study says teens who watch more medical marijuana ads are more likely to smoke pot. The only question is do the pot dispensaries get a cut of the resulting increase in local pizzeria sales?

The CDC says it is safe again to eat romaine lettuce. Which is great news for the three Americans who really missed it as a regular part of their diet.

The upcoming Royal Wedding will come with a price tag of $45 Million. Mostly the additional security to keep out all the members of Meghan Markle’s family.

The upcoming Royal Wedding will come with a price tag of $45 Million. Mostly for the private stables that had to be rented out for Duchess Camilla.

The upcoming Royal Wedding will come with a price tag of $45 Million. Which must make all the dads here feel better when footing the bill for a wedding which on average runs $44,967,000 less.

The creator of “Jane The Virgin” says of the show’s end, “We’re going to close things up.” Which is pretty much how she was able to stay a virgin in the first place.

Mohamed Bamba set a record with the longest arm span in NBA draft combine history at 7’10.” Which means he can pretty much slam dunk while sitting at half court in a Barcalounger.

Mohamed Bamba set a record with the longest arm span in NBA draft combine history at 7’10.” With elbows that can stick out that far, teammates are urged not to try to get in his way in the buffet line.

Michigan State’s $500 Million payout because of Larry Nassar’s sex assaults could result in a tuition hike for students. Although the only hike the students will support is the one they are telling the administration to go take.

Michigan State’s $500 Million payout because of Larry Nassar’s sex assaults could result in a tuition hike for students. Well, what’s another ten years of paying off student loans just because the school looked the other way with a sex offender who makes Harvey Weinstein look like a Boy Scout?

Metta World Peace says he was approached at St John’s in the 1990s to fix games. The question being why did anyone need to fix games that they were pretty much destined to lose in the first place?

The NCAA says it will start allowing championships in gambling states. Which is a good idea because of the Supreme Court decision where in another couple of years that will be pretty much every state.

The NCAA says it will start allowing championships in gambling states. Which instead of only allowing sports gambling in Nevada, that means the NCAA will be taking its share while cutting out the middleman.

Bartolo Colon was hit by a line drive in the stomach but still managed to pitch to a 5-1 win. He was just lucky the ball didn’t get lost in there like the Wrigley Field ivy and be called a ground rule double.

Shaquille O’Neal is selling his Florida mansion for $28 Million. It will be nice for the next buyer as long as they don’t mind the doorways being ten feet high, nine feet wide with the doorknobs six feet above the floor.

Donald Trump says he donated his first quarter salary to the VA. Although now it comes out he corrected that to just donating the first quarter he earned this year.

Bill Gates says he had to explain to Donald Trump the difference between HIV and HPV. What’s worse is he also had to explain the difference between MPG and MPH, and GPS and GPA.

The White House is weighing shrinking its communications team because of leaks. Which means eliminating all but the most loyal workers will soon have the entire White House run by two people.

The White House is weighing shrinking its communications team because of leaks. At least that’s the word from an unnamed anonymous source.

The White House is weighing shrinking its communications team because of leaks. Which is no surprise coming from an administration whose idea of communicating is spreading lies and deception while whining that the media is just out to get them.

Democrats have introduced a bill that would prohibit congressmen from sleeping in their offices. They should be like everyone else and just sleep in chambers while Congress is in session.

Democrats have introduced a bill that would prohibit congressmen from sleeping in their offices. Although many members of Congress are finding it impractical to rent an apartment when they are only in Washington, D.C. three days a month.

An Alabama congressman says rising sea levels are not caused by global warming as much as from rocks falling into the ocean. Apparently they are the same ones that are falling out of his head.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am glad it’s Friday. How original was that thought? I wonder if anyone else has ever celebrated the end of the workweek? I hope you all enjoy your weekend. I will be back with the jokes as usual on Monday so I hope you all stop by to check them out. And above all, make sure you remember to always keep on sending the love!