Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Apple’s top Artificial Intelligence guru comes from a university that taught computers to “defeat humans.” And judging by how we are ruled by our iPhones, iPads and video games, they did a pretty good job of it.

Experts say a stressful job can be good for a person’s health. Mostly because no matter how stressful a job may be, there is less stress than for the people who are still looking for one.

A report says a Roger Ailes miniseries is in the works. Which is good news in the fact that it means there will once again be some work for Ed Asner.

A report says election anxiety is so bad that people are turning off their computers and smartphones and avoiding social media. Or as many people call that, “a good start.”

A study says that brushing teeth can prevent heart attacks. Which is sad because that is the most exercise the majority of Americans will get all day.

A study says that brushing teeth can prevent heart attacks. Which just means more job security for all the cardiologists in the UK.

Lucasfilm is suing a Lightsaber academy that teaches people how to be a Jedi warrior. Not so much for copyright infringement, but because the academy is a subsidiary of Trump University.

A snake reportedly crawled out of the hood of a car in Florida. The driver found it when he thought he heard a rattle.

Ohio Governor John Kasich says Donald Trump’s claims of a “rigged” election are silly. If anything was rigged, it was a primary season where Donald Trump was actually able to get more people to vote for him than John Kasich.

A report says a Trump TV network could be three months away. Although it could be a lot earlier since it looks like trump will have a lot of free time on his hands after November 8th.

A report says a trump TV network could be three months away. Judging by the lead up to the election, it will be less like Fox News and more like Playboy TV.

A new rule says airlines will have to refund baggage fees if luggage is significantly delayed. Which means United Airlines will be handing back money even if the luggage makes it on the same flight as the passenger.

Facebook users can now endorse a presidential candidate on the site. Which is good news for anyone who wants to be defriended by half the people they know.

Scientists say they may have found a migraine trigger in the mouth. As expected, it is in the mouth of Donald Trump.

A study says that marijuana may lower a person’s bone density. Except for the thicker bone density that it causes right around the skull.

Pepsi says it is going to cut the amount of sugar and calories in its drinks. Which means they will also be looking at some pretty deep cuts in their sales.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am putting this shortened edition out a bit early for Thursday as I will be heading home and have an early day coming up. I will try to get back on my normal (?) schedule on Friday, providing I don’t sleep past noon following a day of travel. Ugh. In the meantime, feel free to make sure to keep on always sending the love!

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says robot journalists will soon start writing news and sports stories for British and Irish news agencies. Especially when the number one sports stories consist of reporting on soccer matches that always end in a 0-0 tie.

A report says robot journalists will soon start writing news and sports stories for British and Irish news agencies. Especially the food critic section where every British and Irish dishes will be rated as inedible.

A report says college students are being taught that it is “toxic” to be a man. Which isn’t surprising for anyone who has ever been inside a public men’s restroom.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says his company wants to eliminate all cash. Mostly because it’s unnecessary for everyone else since Apple controls 99.8% of all of it.

A study says erectile dysfunction may improve with exercise. Which also comes in handy for anyone running a 5K race who find it helps them cross the finish line a little bit faster.

A poll says 65% of Americans limit their monthly spending. The problem is that they limit their spending every month to what they make in the entire year.

A poll says 65% of Americans limit their monthly spending. The other 35% are saying “Spending?”

A report says half of all U.S. adults are already recorded in facial recognition databases. The other half can’t be pinned down because of their recent Botox, facelifts and nose jobs.

A fast food chain in Malaysia has been told to change the name of hot dogs on their menus. Apparently it turns out they could be cited for false advertising as they aren’t really served all that hot.

The government has announced new steps to protect airline consumers. Although people will believe it the day they see that United Airlines has been shut down.

The government has announced new steps to protect airline consumers. Travelers are excited to see if the new rules will affect deceptive air fares, unfair inflight fees, lost baggage, overcharging for meals and snacks, long flight delays, unannounced cancellations, drunk pilots…

A report says the presidential race has caused a spike in crisis center calls. Mostly from the brain injuries caused by people beating their heads against the wall during all of the debates.

China has told the world they don’t need anyone else’s factories anymore. Mostly because none of the other countries ever build them to the specifications they need to have everything small enough to be run by a work force of six year olds.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Still just trying to slam out a few jokes when I can while I am on vacation. That should be taken care of later in the week when I come back home after leaving my entire life savings in care of the good people of Disney World. Just because I am out of town is no reason you can’t continue to take the time to keep on always sending the love!

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Luke Perry posed for the latest cover of AARP Magazine after recently turning 50. Which is hard to believe as he was busy portraying an 18 year old high school student just 15 years ago.

A poll says 40% of Americans say there is tension between them and their families and friends over the upcoming election. Which is still better than the 96% of Americans who only have that kind of tension when it comes to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Mother’s Day.

53 bags of cocaine were found inside a passenger who passed out at an airport in Miami. It turns out he was trying to sell the cocaine so he would have enough cash to be able to pay for some of the inflight airline fees.

Target has stopped selling some clown masks because of hysteria over creepy clown sightings. Although people who still want to wear a clown mask for Halloween can still just go with the still available Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump costumes.

Scientists say large solar storms could wipe out the power grid, bringing an end to civilization “as we know it.” To which parents of teenagers who they haven’t communicated with for years because their noses are constantly stuck to a phone screen are saying “Promise?”

Porn stars in L.A. have taken to the streets to protest a proposed law mandating condom use. When protesters take to the streets over condoms, that is where the rubber really meets the road.

It has rained in Los Angeles for the first time in 165 days. So now when the locals talk about the drought, they are talking about the Dodgers trying to win the World Series for the first time since 1988.

A judge in Arkansas is being accused of exchanging nude photos and sex to toss cases. Of course, since it was in Arkansas all those trials were in family court.

Peru is investigating the deaths of 10,000 Titicaca water frogs. “Titicaca” being what most people say when they find 10,000 dead frogs.

The leader of the UKIP party has resigned, saying the UK party is in a death spiral. To which most people are saying that hasn’t stopped the Democrats or Republicans so far.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only had time to scratch out a few jokes tonight as I am still out of town. But this is still more jokes than you will find on most other sites, so consider that a bonus when I get back up to full speed. I am really out of touch since I am on vacation and not watching much TV. In fact, only one Trump v. Hillary joke today. That just won’t do. Don’t worry, I’ll be cranking them out again later this week. In the meantime, feel free to take the opportunity to use the extra time reading fewer jokes to make sure and keep on sending the love!

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Google has launched a “fact check” feature for news stories. To which the New York Times is saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

Google has launched a “fact check” feature for news stories online. Which will be good for searching out the 2% of news stories originating on the Internet that are actually true.

Google has launched a “fact check” feature for information online. Which can be remedied by just telling everyone looking up their medical symptoms on the Internet that despite what it says, they are not in danger of dying in the next 24 hours.

Researchers have pinpointed a chemical with the potential to postpone aging. Don’t we already have that? It’s the THC in marijuana that makes Baby Boomers behave like a bunch of 16 year olds.

Underpaid refugees were reportedly found picking grapes on the Tuscany estate of Sting. At least now that finally explains that his business practices were how he got the name “Sting.”

President Obama has lifted the embargo on Cuban liquor and cigars. Which is good news for Wall Street executives who felt they were wasting good money lighting domestic cigars with $100 bills.

President Obama has lifted the embargo on Cuban liquor and cigars. To which at least the upper 1% can now say we have finally beaten Fidel Castro.

Russia says its ties with the U.S. are the worst since 1973. To which political experts are downplaying the statements, saying if they think they are bad now, just wait until Donald Trump becomes President.

A report says workers in a California prison regard inmates as “wild animals.” Which is understandable as the prisoners still refuse to even try to lift their pinkies during afternoon tea.

The FAA has issued an emergency order banning Samsung Galaxy Note 7 cellphones from airplanes. Although they haven’t addressed how to deal with the bigger emergency when passengers will freak out being stuck flying on a jet for three hours without being able to access their smartphone.

Tech industry elites in San Francisco are funding a measure to ban homeless camps in the city. Which is ironic in that most of the homeless problem was created when the tech elites started buying up Bay Area properties raising the price of a two bedroom fixer upper to $3.7 Million.

United Airlines is investing $200 Million in airport lounges. Mostly so they can keep their passengers liquored up enough so they won’t notice their flight is taking off three days later than scheduled.

A poll says 17% of Americans cite the economy as the nation’s top problem. The other 83% couldn’t take the survey because they were busy working one of their three jobs trying to be able to make ends meet.

A poll says 17% of Americans cite the economy as the nation’s top problem. What’s scary is the other 83% have found something even worse to worry about.

A study says American workers leave $272 Billion worth of vacation time on the table. Which ironically then is used instead for executive bonuses which they use to buy their next beach house.

A report says the wealth of the world’s billionaires fell last year, which has the richest families worried. It’s getting so bad, pretty soon freeway offramps will be crowded with people holding signs saying “Will take whatever you can give to keep me from flying commercial.”

A new app helps treat people with incontinence. Mostly for the fact that most people no longer have a problem with talking and texting on their phone even while they are using the bathroom.

A study says that many adults are being diagnosed with ADHD later in life. Mostly the ones who realize they have no idea what anyone said after watching in entirety all of the presidential debates.

A report says smokeless tobacco called snus may increase the risk of death from prostate cancer. Although if you are getting prostate cancer from smokeless tobacco, you may be putting that pinch between the wrong cheek and gum.

A baby born with an adult sized tongue underwent life saving surgery. The only drawback is that it ruined its Halloween plans to dress up as Gene Simmons.

A study says 1 in 5 young adults in the U.S. uses a hookah. The other 4 just don’t want to be so obvious around the house so they just borrow their parents’ bong.

A study says natural disasters could increase the risk of substance abuse. At least that’s what people are claiming so they can get FEMA to pay for their next stint in rehab.

A study says that smartphones “contaminate” family life. The finding was so upsetting to some parents they immediately notified their children about it with a text message.

A Dutch law would allow assisted suicide for healthy older people. Especially the ones who just can’t go through life anymore spending half their days pulling splinters out of their feet from their wooden shoes.

Donald Trump, speaking about Lindsay Lohan says that troubled women are the best in bed. Mostly because any woman is immediately diagnosed as having issues if they are attracted to someone with a haircut like Donald Trump.

A report says the Raiders won’t leave Oakland until at least 2019. Mostly out of respect to their fans whose parole hearings aren’t scheduled until then.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am on vacation but am still trying to crank out jokes for your benefit during the brief interludes between burning up all my cash on the activities in Orlando. Although I should be able to write 20 or 30 jokes just in the time I am waiting in line at all the attractions. I will try to fire off a few on Monday through Wednesday before I am back at home Thursday. I hope until then you have enough of a life to find something else to do that is actually worthwhile. Until then, just because I am out of town doesn’t mean you can’t keep on always sending the love!