Friday, May 06, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Former Disney child star Joey Cramer was arrested for robbing a bank in Canada. It was the biggest robbery associated with Disney since the people who forked out $8 to see “Mars Needs Moms.”

Zimbabwe is printing $200 Million of its own version of U.S. dollars to deal with its cash crunch. Apparently they feel if the U.S. can print $18 Trillion in additional currency to cover up its debt, what’s another $200 Million?

Ben Carson has been picked to head a committee to pick Donald Trump’s running mate. The only worry is that Carson will pull a Dick Cheney and make his pick Ben Carson.

Houston Texans lineman Duane Brown got a failed drug test overturned, blaming the results on eating meat produced in Mexico. It will now be known across the league as the “Taco Bell defense.”

Houston Texans lineman Duane Brown got a failed drug test overturned, blaming the results on eating meat produced in Mexico. Apparently the league agreed there was no performance enhancement as he is playing for the Houston Texans.

Police in Massachusetts say that teens are getting high and sick eating plant seeds. Who knew that the most wanted man by the state’s anti-drug task force is the local Burpee salesman?

GM and Lyft are teaming up to test self-driving taxis. The only problem is that could put thousands of jobs at risk. Not just the taxi drivers who would be laid off, but all the people who make those automobile air fresheners.

John McCain says the Donald Trump nomination will damage his reelection hopes because of angry Hispanic voters. McCain hasn’t seen the Hispanic vote matter this much in one of his campaigns since the election year following the Alamo.

The New York Times will sell ingredients to recipes on its cooking website and deliver them to customers’ homes. The Times hasn’t been directly involved in food sales since the days the newspaper was used to wrap anything that was bought at the fish market.

Voters in Switzerland are deciding to whether to enact a guaranteed monthly income of $2,600 for every adult. So far the opposition is working to tell Swiss voters the proposal is full of holes.

A report says every single county in the U.S. is facing hunger. When compared to the obesity problem that is also facing every county, it appears it is a real feast or famine situation.

A poll says 57% of Americans say the U.S. should worry about fixing its own problems first. The other 43% feel that most of our problems started when we got into the business of trying to fix the problems in every other country.

A poll says 57% of Americans say the U.S. should worry about fixing its own problems first. The only problem is those are the people who think everything has been good in China ever since they decided to build a wall around their country.

Tom Brady has written a cookbook that is selling for $200. The only problem is that it is nearly impossible to make the souffle recipe without having it go completely flat.

The FDA says it will start regulating e-cigarettes the same way it controls the sales of other tobacco products. Which smokers know will have absolutely no effect on anything as long as they regulate it like they also do with drugs, healthcare and the economy.

The Coast Guard says it won’t probe the case of a Colombian mariner who was rescued after being lost at sea for two months. That was the fisherman who when rescued said “Thank cod!”

A student in Illinois is nearing twelve years of perfect attendance at school. The last time a student made it to school every day for twelve years in Alabama, they were given a “100% attendance” award along with their certificate for graduating the 3rd grade.

A government sting used a fake university called the University of Northern New Jersey to catch foreign students desperate to stay in the U.S. It was the biggest investigation involving a fabricated college other than the recent lawsuit against Trump University.

A government sting used a fake university called the University of Northern New Jersey to catch foreign students desperate to stay in the U.S. The sad part is that even though it was a fabricated college, its football team was still ranked higher than Rutgers.

Three video games, “The Oregon Trail,” “Space Invaders” and “The Sims” have been selected to the Video Games Hall of Fame. Those games would never make it today unless they allowed kids to steal a Conestoga Wagon, impale space aliens or cut off the heads of their virtual neighbors.

Three video games, “The Oregon Trail,” “Space Invaders” and “The Sims” have been selected to the Video Games Hall of Fame. It’s the only museum where the gallery couches are actually considered an interactive exhibit.

California has raised the legal age for smoking to 21. The good news is that with the price of cigarettes, any college students holding off smoking that long will pretty much have enough money saved to not have to take out any tuition loans.

Wal-Mart has moved its greeters back to the front of the store instead of in the interior where they were moved four years ago. Apparently they realized that welcoming  customers who are already half way through their shopping can no longer really be considered a greeting.

Amazon is investing in a freight airlines company. Although customers need to be aware that when they order a couch that is too big for a drone to deliver, it may now be arriving onto their porch from a height of 30,000 feet.

Professional fastpitch softball star Monica Abbott has become the first woman in a U.S. team sport to sign a contract worth $1 Million. The only problem is that to see the entire amount she will need to be able to compete somewhere into her middle 80s.

Professional fastpitch softball star Monica Abbott has become the first woman in a U.S. team sport to sign a $1 Million contract. To collect, she needs to draw at least 100 spectators for every game. To which the players on the Cleveland Indians are saying “They can do that?”

Scientists say that prayer can reduce the cravings among alcoholics. Although that does bring up the question as to why bottle openers are called “church keys”?

Scientists say that prayer can reduce the cravings among alcoholics. Although it really doesn’t count for the ones who go to church for the wine served at communion.

Stores across the U.S. are recalling sunflower seeds because of possible contamination. No one had any idea that GM was now involved in the snack food business.

A study says slim people are at the lowest risk of dying over a 15 year period. Mostly because age 15 is about the longest that people can go without becoming morbidly obese.

A study says slim people are at the lowest risk of dying over a 15 year period. At least that is what they assume until researchers can actually find someone who has gone that long without gaining at least 50 extra pounds.

A 6 year old Texas girl’s malady that couldn’t be solved by doctors was figured out through Facebook. The irony is that most health issues are a result of sitting in front of a computer and posting on Facebook all day.

A John Malkovich movie that won’t hit theaters for 100 years will be aired at this year’s Cannes Film Festival. To which people are asking if there is any way they can get the same rules put in place for anything featuring Seth Rogen?

A report says that weight loss reality shows are on the way out. Mostly because viewers are unable to accept that for most people, weight loss has nothing to do with reality.

A report says that weight loss reality shows are on the way out. Especially for viewers who have their DVRs recording “Hell’s Kitchen,” “Top Chef” and “Cake Boss.”

A report says Katie Couric may be leaving Yahoo. Which means after going from “Today” to network anchor to talk show host to working for a search engine, the only thing left is filling in for Vanna White when she takes a day off from “Wheel of Fortune.”

Donald Trump is denying Oscar de la Hoya’s claim that he cheated while playing golf. He won’t deny claims he cheats at business, on his marriages and with campaign finance laws but never at something sacred like golf.

A judge chastised Johnny Manziel, reminding him that he is a “grown man.” Which for most football players refers to the exact moment they are no longer a college athlete and have just lost their pro contract.

Linebacker Von Miller says he is “going to be a Denver Bronco for life.” Which is exactly what Peyton Manning said until he won a Super Bowl and was then replaced by someone younger and less expensive.

A report says Russian hackers stole 273 Million e-mail passwords from Gmail, Hotmail and Yahoo Mail. Mostly because all but six used “password,” “qwerty” or “12345”.

A report says Russian hackers stole 273 Million e-mail passwords from Gmail, Hotmail and Yahoo Mail. Which is of no concern to anyone under 30 who has never actually heard of the term “e-mail.”

New technology can turn a person’s arm into a touchpad for a smartwatch. Which is great news for the five people who still actually try to use their Apple Watch.

New technology can turn a person’s arm into a touchpad for a smartwatch. Although those people have to be careful not to use the common password of two hairs and a freckle.

The White House has released a report laying out problems with algorithmic decision making that operates with little or no human oversight. Although most people thought they already fixed all those problems with the Obamacare website.

A poll says that Donald Trump supporters’ behavior is the worst online. Which is still better than how they act when they go to one of his rallies in person.

A poll says that Donald Trump supporters’ behavior is the worst online. Which means at least they learned very well from their leader.

Facebook says its average user spends 50 minutes on the site each day. They also say they work out every day, limit their alcohol content and never watch porn at work.
 

Facebook says its average user spends 50 minutes on the site each day. That’s barely enough time to check out what all their friends are eating for breakfast, watch several cat videos and defriend all the people who made inappropriate posts on their news feed.

Facebook says its average user spends 50 minutes on the site each day. It would be more but that is how long most men have until they have to log off before their wife comes home and sees who they are chatting with.

An analysis of Donald Trump’s speeches over the past week show he used 95,000 words. The amazing part is that as many as three of them were not insults.

An analysis of Donald Trump’s speeches over the past week show he used 95,000 words. Which was cut down to zero the minute his hands were completely immobilized.

An analysis of Donald Trump’s speeches over the past week show he used 95,000 words. Which was amazing to see it takes that little lexicon to be able to start three race riots, four wars and a trade embargo.

An analysis of Donald Trump’s speeches over the past week show he used 95,000 words. Although all but three sentences had to do with how great he is, that his opponents are all morons and denying that he wears a toupee.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, Donald Trump made a visit to my state of West Virginia yesterday. The good news is that when his supporters were done there were three buildings still standing downtown. I wasn’t able to go see him speak, although I didn’t really have to because I knew his one hour talk was going to be 59 minutes of how great he is and the rest was promising to bring back all those jobs we lost. I can get that watching 30 seconds of the daily wrap up on our local news. Bernie Sanders was here, too and he spoke to a crowd a twelfth the size of Trump. The good news is that anyone who has the time and interest to actually go and see one of these people give a speech probably don’t ever actually get up off their couch and put down the remote long enough to go vote. I hope. You can restore my faith in the system by just remembering to take the time to always make sure to send the love!

Thursday, May 05, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Europe is preparing to remove the 500 Euro bill from circulation, which is worth about $575. Or as Greece calls that, the national budget.

Europe is preparing to remove the 500 Euro bill from circulation, which is worth about $575 which is easily used for money laundering. Fortunately, in the U.S. that isn’t a problem as most people haven’t had a bill as large as a $20 in their wallet since 2008.

Scientists say obesity could be contagious. Apparently the study is based on the affliction being passed easily among people who gather at McDonald’s.

Researchers say that cellphones are linked to health issues with children. Especially teenagers who find the more they use their cellphones, the more likely they are to contract an STD.

A report says that couples are using anti-cheating apps on their smartphones to spy on their mates. Although they wouldn’t have to worry so much about their partner cheating if they would actually put their cellphones down once in awhile.

A sexually transmitted infection is being linked to schizophrenia. Which makes for a convenient excuse for the person with the infection to say it was contracted by one of their other personalities.

A report says the rich and powerful are warning people that robots are coming for their jobs. Mostly because the rich and powerful have found out it is less expensive to replace people with robots than their traditional way of using cheap immigrant labor

John Kasich has dropped out of the presidential race. People were surprised. He was still in the race?

John Kasich has dropped out of the presidential race. That is too bad. With Ted Cruz out it meant he finally had a chance to finish second in one of the primaries.

A chef in California is bringing marijuana to fine dining. He has the first restaurant that has ever made a garnish for an entree using a weed.

A chef in California is bringing marijuana to fine dining. He found out the more he spiced up his dishes with pot, the more food his customers keep ordering.

A chef in California is bringing marijuana to fine dining. The only problem is that his best customers traditionally show up three hours later than their reservation time.

Researchers say that the more dads are involved with their kids, the more successful the children are in every facet. Except when their father is Charlie Sheen.

Researchers say that the more dads are involved with their kids, the more successful the children are in every facet. Just look at how well Soon-Yi has gotten along ever since her dad Woody Allen decided to get more involved and become her husband.

A city official in Flint, Michigan has entered a plea over charges of neglect of duty. The most damaging evidence of wrongdoing against him is pretty much Flint, Michigan.

The Justice Department says it will no longer call criminals convicts or felons. Apparently they will start using the more descriptive terms of “Wall Street banker” or “politician.”

The Justice Department says it will no longer call criminals convicts or felons. Apparently they will go with the more politically correct term of “legally challenged.”

Detroit teachers are being urged to return to work following a guarantee they will be paid. Now if there was just some way they could guarantee that some of the students would actually show up to be taught.

Aeropostale has filed for bankruptcy and will close 113 stores. They probably would have generated more sales of their clothes if the models in their catalogs were ever wearing any.

A report says Donald Trump spent the least amount of money per vote through the primaries. Mostly because his advertising agencies were pretty much CNN, Fox News and MSNBC.

A report says that Carly Fiorina spent the most money per vote in the presidential primaries at $628.55 each. Which means she must have spent a total of $628.55.

Soccer star and equal pay advocate Abby Wambach has been hired by ESPN. The only bad part is that the sports network will pay her exactly the same as a professional woman soccer player.

A British bookmaker is giving Donald Trump a 33% chance of winning the presidential election. Which means there is still a 67% chance the world will still be around in 2020.

A hiring bias study says that people with names that are more traditional for blacks and Hispanics are just as likely to get interviews as people with white-sounding names. Which means the good thing about this job market is that everyone has exactly the same chance to remain unemployed.

The CDC says the best treatment for ADHD is not medication but therapy. Mostly because even the most hyper child will pretty much be put to sleep after 15 minutes of listening to a therapist.

A Chinese boy was born with 31 fingers and toes. The good news is that he already has the same math skills as a third grader.

A Chinese boy was born with 31 fingers and toes. The good news is that he is already being scouted by Nike. Not as an athlete, but because with that many digits he could sew together hundreds of shoes in a matter of minutes.

Experts say that medical mistakes if listed would be the number three cause of death in the U.S. The good news is that it means that Americans are now less likely to die from strokes, diabetes and dementia.

Scientists can now explain why asparagus makes urine smell funny. Which is only really of interest to the three Americans who actually ever eat asparagus.

The American Girl Doll Company has a hit with a diabetes care kit for dolls. It’s for girls who have to administer insulin for Type 2 Diabetes to all the dolls they have from the Strawberry Shortcake collection.

A smartphone video game can reportedly help doctors diagnose dementia. Especially when the person playing the game can’t remember where they left their cellphone.

A Pennsylvania hospital is offering refunds to unhappy patients. The bad part is that for the patients who are the most unhappy, the hospital instead offers to pay part of their funeral costs.

Actress Chloe Grace Moretz says dating in the spotlight is “horrible.” What's even worse is when you are dating someone so ugly you want to always keep them in the dark.

Actress Chloe Grace Moretz says dating in the spotlight is “horrible.” How sad for her to have to be seen with other beautiful people at the trendiest clubs and restaurants while getting all her drinks and meals for free.

The Rolling Stones have asked Donald Trump not to play their songs at any of his events. Apparently he is OK with that as they are from a foreign country and have taken jobs away from American bands for years.

David Hasselhoff has gotten engaged to his long time girlfriend. Being married to Hasselhoff should be easy as she will never have to do any dishes, just pick up the hamburger crumbs off the living room carpet.

Caitlyn Jenner will reportedly soon be featured nude wearing a gold medal on the cover of Sports Illustrated. People should just be glad she missed the cut for the Swimsuit Issue.

The San Diego Padres have already been shut out eight times in 28 games this season.  Apparently they are thinking of putting Petco Park up for sale and want to advertise that they have hardly even used home plate.

UFC fighter Daniel Cormier says he doesn’t believe in abstaining from sex before a fight. In other words, he turns it into the opposite of makeup sex.

KFC in Hong Kong is offering flavored nail polish that comes in original and hot and spicy. The slogan is that it is “fingernail lickin’ good.”

KFC in Hong Kong is offering flavored nail polish that comes in original and hot and spicy. And anyone wearing the polish who reaches into the deep fryer can say theirs is extra crispy.

KFC in Hong Kong is offering flavored nail polish that comes in original and hot and spicy. That’s the one where the mani pedi is done under the supervision of a cardiologist.

AT&T and Yahoo have ended their 15 year partnership. Which was about as memorable a business deal as when Time Warner merged with AOL.

AT&T and Yahoo have ended their 15 year partnership. That relationship had about as much of a chance from the beginning as Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

A California measure to legalize marijuana is headed to the ballot in November. Although if they put someone in charge of pushing the measure through who doesn’t actually smoke pot, it wouldn’t have taken them since 1972 to get it done.

Google is feeding Artificial Intelligence romance novels to teach it more conversational language skills. Although IBM tried that on Watson and stopped after it kept referring to every woman with a comment about her heaving bosom.

Students at the University of Leicester say “crying a river” would be impossible even if everyone on the planet started crying at once in the same place. Although that might be disproven by Donald Trump supporters when he loses by a landslide on election day.

Students at the University of Leicester say “crying a river” would be impossible even if everyone on the planet started crying at once in the same place. They do say that there could be enough tears to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Which was already done when Michael Phelps tried to talk the arresting officer out of his second DUI.

Facebook has paid a ten year old hacker $10,000 for finding a security flaw in Instagram. The security flaw is mostly known as anyone dumb enough to post personal photos on Instagram.

Facebook has paid a ten year old hacker $10,000 for finding a security flaw in Instagram. Which was no big deal as a kid with that kind of ability could be making hundreds of thousands of dollars reviewing video games on his own Youtube channel.

Newt Gingrich says he is a 1,000 to 1 shot at being named Donald Trump’s running mate. Which is still a lot better than the 1 Million to 1 odds of a Donald Trump-Newt Gingrich ticket winning the election.

President Bush 41 and 43 both say they don’t plan to endorse Donald Trump for President. Which is already being called a major boost by the Trump campaign.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Running a little late today as I had to spend most of the morning with my daughter who is not feeling well at the doctor’s office. But I was able to be inspired by the experience to translate the sickness right into my humor and crank out my daily glut of jokes. Hopefully you won’t have the same reaction as my daughter did after reading all the way through the blog. But one sure way to always feel better when you are done is to make sure to always send the love!

Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Ted Cruz has suspended his presidential campaign after losing to Donald Trump in Indiana. Which means everyone else who realizes Trump is the presumptive party nominee has pretty much suspended their disbelief.

Ted Cruz has suspended his presidential campaign after losing to Donald Trump in Indiana. Which is amazing in that Carly Fiorina broke her own record at HP by taking only two days to lay off everyone in the entire organization.

U.S. airlines reported record profits in 2015 as customer complaints soared. Mostly because the airlines have learned they can quiet any passenger dissatisfaction is by threatening to change their flight and put them on United.

The world’s most expensive airline flight is with Etihad Airways from New York to Mumbai in their three room suite that costs $38,000 each way. Which when inflight fees are factored in is still cheaper than a flight from Denver to Memphis on United.

An Italian court has ruled that stealing food because of hunger is not a crime. Although the question is why else would anyone ever steal food?

An Italian court has ruled that stealing food because of hunger is not a crime. Which using the same logic could be argued it’s OK to steal money as long as you are poor.

An Italian court has ruled that stealing food because of hunger is not a crime. But then who doesn’t get hungry any time they are close to any Italian food?

An Italian court has ruled that stealing food because of hunger is not a crime. Which means that if they are stealing Italian food they also have the right to pinch a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon.

Thailand has banned “rude opinions” over an upcoming referendum. If that rule would have been enforced in the U.S., the networks would have lost a fortune airing the presidential debates.

A report says China is pressing its economists to brighten their outlook. Which all they have to do is point to the U.S. and say at least they are doing better than us.

Brazil is considering a sex themed adult amusement park called ErotikaLand. Apparently they are unaware it’s been done before. It’s called “Las Vegas.”

Brazil is considering a sex themed adult amusement park called ErotikaLand. Is that a good idea? By the time you pay for admission, parking and concessions, it would just be a lot cheaper to pay for a hooker and a motel room.

A study says the Earth is home to 1 Trillion types of organisms, 99.99% of which are unknown. Although half of them could be discovered by the researchers who are brave enough to take a microscope to a pair of Paris Hilton’s panties.

A study says sunshine can lower a person’s blood pressure. Especially when it starts getting warmer and people can actually relax again when they open their heating bill.

A study says one in three antibiotic prescriptions in the U.S. are unnecessary. Mostly because Americans get all the antibiotics they need any time they order chicken or beef at any fast food restaurant.

A study says one in three antibiotic prescriptions in the U.S. are unnecessary. Especially for the pharmacist filling the orders who otherwise would only be able to afford one other vacation home.

A report says the million dollar home market is in a slump. Or as people in Silicon Valley refer to one million dollar homes, “low income housing.”

A report says the million dollar home market is in a slump. Which is tough news for realtors in L.A. trying to move a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

BP is paying another $1 Billion to shrimpers and fishermen for the 2010 Gulf Oil Spill. Mostly for the seafood they ordered for the party they are throwing to celebrate pretty much getting away with it.

Four crying babies on a JetBlue flight won free round trip tickets for 140 passengers as part of a stunt to give 25% discounts for each crying baby. That doesn’t include the adults on JetBlue who cry when the plane is stuck waiting on the tarmac for three hours.


Four crying babies on a JetBlue flight won free round trip tickets for 140 passengers as part of a stunt to give 25% discounts for each crying baby. It was the most crying on a plane other than the flight to the last campaign stop by Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina.
 
Ted Cruz attacked Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch, blaming Fox News for the success of Donald Trump. Although it didn’t hurt Trump any when Cruz picked Carly Fiorina as his running mate.

Ted Cruz attacked Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch, blaming Fox News for the success of Donald Trump. How far to the right is Ted Cruz when he sees Fox News as a member of the “liberal media.”

Wal-Mart is recalling 1 Million electric kettles. No one even knew that GM had gotten into making home appliances.

Wal-Mart is recalling 1 Million electric kettles. Apparently they came equipped with Takata airbags.

A Texas restaurant had to change their name because of a copyright and are offering free pizza for a year to whomever suggests a new name. So far the choice is between “Little Nero’s,” “Pizza Lean-To” and “Board Game Using Numbered Tiles Pizza.”

A French man is suing his former employer because he claims his job was too boring. To which Vice President Joe Biden is saying “You can do that?”

A French man is suing his former employer because he claims his job was too boring. Apparently he was more suited to a job in the service industry in France where he could have at least stayed busy coming up with new ways to be rude to the foreign tourists.

Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois says it will stop accepting credit card payments for health insurance payments. Apparently they will now only settle their accounts like other insurance companies, by taking the customers’ first born child.

Foster Poultry Farms is recalling chicken nuggets that reportedly contain plastic and rubber. They could be in even bigger trouble as they are now being accused by McDonald’s of stealing their recipe.

A New York mom is asking Honda for a new car after she gave birth in the back seat of her Honda Fit. To which Honda is saying that’s why you should never order the cloth upholstery.

A New York mom is asking Honda for a new car after she gave birth in the back seat of her Honda Fit. To which Honda is saying she should ask her HMO and OB-GYN who could have told her to maybe try to get to the hospital a little sooner.

Behavioral scientists say politicians are using their methods to try to get people to the polls to vote. Since when have behavioral scientists changed their recommended therapy to anger, feat and hate?

A study says that heavy drinking may make it harder to quit smoking. Mostly because the people who do both know that drunk driving, alcohol fueled domestic disputes or cirrhosis of the liver will kill them way before anything caused by cigarettes.

A poll says that 50% of all teens admit they are addicted to smartphones. The other half are only addicted to their iPad, MacBook Pro and Playstation.

A poll says that 50% of all teens admit they are addicted to smartphones. The other half couldn’t take the survey because they were too busy posting on Facebook, Snapchat and Twitter.

A poll says that 50% of all teens admit they are addicted to smartphones. Which means the other half is officially in denial.

A study has determined that most people have 4 BFFs, 11 close friends, 30 acquaintances and 129 “others.” It also shows that as many as two of those on the list are people that were actually met in person and not through Facebook.

A report says that teenagers spend an average of nine hours a day using media. Aren’t these the same kids who are on ADHD medication because they can’t pay attention for more than five minutes in the classroom?

A study says that playground concussions are on the rise. Mostly because it’s hard for kids to keep their grip going across the monkey bars while also trying to hold onto their cellphone and text their friends.

A survey says that 40% of Americans want to know the credit score of a person before dating them. Which means when a guy shows interest in a woman, no credit means no score.

A survey says that 40% of Americans want to know the credit score of a person before dating them. Not only that, but women now want to look at men’s Facebook page to see how many people on their friends list are Nigerian princes.

Veteran wrestler Ryback says the WWE should pay all of its wrestlers equally. He says it’s bad enough to be paid less than an opponent for throwing a fixed match, but it’s even worse when cash is deducted every time a folding chair is broken over their head.

The NBA listed there were five missed calls on the final play in a playoff game between Oklahoma City and San Antonio. Although even that wasn’t as bad as when earlier in the game one of the referees threw a flag and whistled a play dead for being offsides.

Takata is set to recall another 35 Million faulty airbags. It’s the biggest recall of faulty inflation devices since the silicone breast implant scare back in 2000.

The NFL is warning players that eating meat produced in China could contained banned substances. The only problem is they aren’t specific as to whether the contaminated meat is the donkey, weasel or monkey.

The NFL is warning players that eating meat produced in China could contain banned substances. So far the players have been warned to stay away from the Chihuahua, Dalmatian and Springer Spaniel.

Google will get a fleet of Fiat Chrysler minivans to use in self-driving tests. Google specifically requested those automobiles so that they could see how the van could drive itself while the people inside could be free to look around for the closest repair shop.

“The Shining” is being performed in Minnesota as an opera. Although if they really wanted to scare the people there they could just say Jesse Ventura is running again for governor.

“The Shining” is being performed in Minnesota as an opera. It’s the one that isn’t over until the fat lady sings as she is being hacked up by a guy with an ax saying “Heeeere’s Johnny!”

A report says that Sprint is still losing a lot of money but that it is improving slowly. Which is of course the same thing they have said about the Post Office since 1968.

McDonald’s is testing garlic fries in California. Which is being marketed to people who not only don’t care about being obese but also don’t mind having extreme halitosis.

India is denying Apple’s request to sell refurbished iPhones there. Apparently smartphones are the only things there that don’t qualify for a chance at reincarnation.

A report says Amazon.com generated 60% of the total U.S. online sales growth in 2015. It could be even higher this year as customers will have to reorder all the stuff they got last year that they already had to pitch into the trash can.

A report says Amazon.com generated 60% of the total U.S. online sales growth in 2015. Which makes it just like going to Wal-Mart only without having to look at all the fat customers stuffed into outdated clothes that are three sizes too small.

A law in South Dakota may determine if U.S. residents pay sales tax on Internet purchases. People were surprised at the news. People in South Dakota know how to use computers?

Uber says it has no plans to kill its surge pricing that makes the cost go up with higher demand. Or as anyone who has bought gasoline since the 1970s knows that better as, ”consumer gouging.”

The Pentagon is testing out an unmanned ship that can sail itself 10,000 nautical miles. Apparently it is being looked at for naval battles, coastal protection and for Carnival cruise ships that are having trouble finding crews that can withstand the norovirus.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Ted Cruz has dropped out of the presidential race. That’s too bad. Those “Lucifer in the flesh” gags could have gone on for years. At least with Trump and Hillary there is still plenty of yucks left to take us at least into November. That still gives everyone plenty of time to pack the bags, sell the house and buy a ticket to South America. But before you go, make sure to remind yourself to remember no matter where you are to always keep sending the love!

Tuesday, May 03, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A 15 year old boy in India was injured after shooting himself with a gun while taking a selfie. His last words before the accident were “Say Glock!”

A 15 year old boy in India was injured after shooting himself with a gun while taking a selfie. The good news is that someone with that lack of brainpower could somehow manage to make it all the way to age 15.

The Miss Rondonia Mundo beauty pageant in Brazil ended up with the wrong winner being announced. To which Steve Harvey is complaining “They’re stealing my act!”

The Miss Rondonia Mundo beauty pageant in Brazil ended up with the wrong winner being announced. It’s happened so many times that Republicans are now hoping to use the strategy as the best way to get Donald Trump elected President.

Australian Craig Wright is claiming to be the person who created the Bitcoin. Although he is already catching heat for not putting Harriet Tubman’s picture on it.

A study says that information about the U.S. economy may have been leaked ahead of its release. The only question is what damage could come from people knowing that our economy is running eighteen or nineteen trillion dollars in debt.

ESPN is being criticized for editing former employee Curt Schilling out of a baseball documentary. Now if they could only figure out how to also edit out Dick Vitale, Jim Gray and Chris Berman.

A study says that dogs’ hearts tend to beat in sync with their owners. Which may be why people start noticing palpitations every time the mailman comes down the street.

A New Zealand man broke the record for deep sea diving, swimming to a depth of 400 feet. It was the biggest freedive on record other than anyone who is still holding on to their stock in ExxonMobil.

A survey says that 34% of people living in San Francisco are ready to leave because of traffic and high housing costs. The only problem is before they move they need to try to get close to the asking price of the refrigerator box they are living in.

A survey says that 34% of people living in San Francisco are ready to leave because of traffic and high housing costs. The other 66% want to stay because they finally got used to putting on a heavy coat before going out in the middle of summer.

Experts are warning that driverless cars could encourage bored passengers to have sex behind the wheel. Which is good news for parents whose kids will now be able to make it home on time because they don’t have to look for a place to park after a date.

Experts are warning that driverless cars could encourage bored passengers to have sex behind the wheel. Which at least will give bored passengers in other cars something to look at when they pass them.

A Delaware woman was arrested for calling her ex-boyfriend up to 300 times a day. If she really needed milk and bread that badly, she could have just texted him a shopping list.

Budget cuts in the TSA mean that airport security lines could stretch for hours this summer. Which is good news for United Airlines passengers who will at least have something different to do for the three hours they usually spend waiting for takeoff.

Budget cuts in the TSA mean that airport security lines could stretch for hours this summer. Although millions of hours of waiting time could be eliminated if people would just decide to fly barefoot.

U.S. airlines set a record profit of $25 Billion in 2015. The only problem is that the long waits, poor service and outrageous prices are now causing cable companies to accuse them of stealing their business model.

A 100 year old woman set the world’s record for the 100 yard dash at a track meet at the Penn Relays. Her secret is being able to make it all the way to the finish line.

A 100 year old woman set the world’s record for the 100 yard dash at a track meet at the Penn Relays. The only problem is that the race she won actually started at the Penn Relays back in 2013.

A 100 year old woman set the world’s record for the 100 yard dash at a track meet at the Penn Relays. It was the race where the judges put down their stopwatches and were timing it with a calendar.

A 100 year old woman set the world’s record for the 100 yard dash at a track meet at the Penn Relays. Her secret to winning at record speed was her family putting a Bingo card just past the finish line.

Prince’s personal chef says the late entertainer was plagued by a sore throat, stomach pains and weight loss in his final months. Which was either because he had chronic health problems or he really needed to get a better chef.

The National Wrestling Hall of Fame has revoked all honors for former House Speaker Dennis Hastert. How bad is it when our country’s top leaders don’t have the moral fiber to be in the same association as Hulk Hogan?

The National Wrestling Hall of Fame has revoked all honors for former House Speaker Dennis Hastert. Hastert was the first politician selected into the Wrestling Hall of Fame since Lloyd Bentsen hit Dan Quayle on the head with a folding chair at a debate.

The first U.S. cruise ship in nearly 40 years arrived in Havana. The good news for the passengers is that the norovirus they contracted during the cruise enabled their immune systems to be able to go to local restaurants and order tap water.

A study says that gender diversity pays off for investors and companies. Just look how much the Kardashian brand has gone up in value ever since Bruce Jenner changed over to Caitlyn.

A study says that gender diversity pays off for investors and companies. Which makes it staggering to think how much Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg would be worth if either one had only been able to actually look a woman in the eye.

An analysis says that Hispanics will outspend Millennials by 2020. Although how hard can it be to shell out more money than people who live for free in their parents’ basement and only need cash on hand when their takeout pizza arrives.

Data says 150 Million e-mails are sent every minute on the Internet. Which is amazing when you consider anyone under 30 is saying “What’s an e-mail?”

Data says 150 Million e-mails are sent every minute on the Internet. Mostly because terrorists and criminals know they can get away with sending messages that way as the only ones the government looks at are the ones going through Hillary Clinton’s server.

IBM’s Watson helped design a “cognitive dress” for the upcoming Met Gala in New York.  The only problem is that women are asking if the computer designed dress makes their rear port look big.

A survey says Millennials are cool with being geeky. Mostly because being a geek became cool the day Mark Zuckerberg pocketed his first billion dollars.

The construction company Saudi Binladin Group has laid off 50,000 workers resulting from low oil prices. Although they might also want to also address their public relations issue stemming from the fact their business contains the name “Binladin.”

Former United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek will be given a $36.8 Million severance package after being ousted for his part in a corruption probe. Well, that will teach all those other CEOs that crime doesn’t pay.

Former United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek will be given a $36.8 Million severance package after being ousted for his part in a corruption probe. Which is ironic in that what is more corrupt than giving someone $36.8 Million for the way they ran United Airlines?

A report says that Nike shoes are among the most counterfeited goods in the world. The only bigger crime is committed when the company charges legitimate customers $300 for a pair of sneakers.

A report says that Nike shoes are among the most counterfeited goods in the world. Mostly because they make people look really when they are wearing them along with their Appel iFone, Rolox watch and Rey Bon sunglasses.

A study says that people with insomnia should try therapy instead of pills. Mostly because it has been proven nothing puts people to sleep like listening to a therapist talk for 45 minutes.

A study says that people with insomnia should try therapy instead of pills. The only problem is that they then stay awake all night wondering how they are going to be able to pay their therapist’s bill.

A study says that air rage can be triggered when people in the economy section have to walk through first class to get to their seats. Especially when they realize not every passenger has to deal with twelve other people in each row.

A study says that air rage can be triggered when people in the economy section have to walk through first class. Especially when they are trying to carry six bags along with two kids and get hit in the head with a cork from a bottle of Dom Perignon.

A study says that poor parenting can be passed along from generation to generation. Which means there is already an excuse in the works for whatever happens to the children of Kim Kardashian.

A study says that poor parenting can be passed along from generation to generation. Which is going to be really bad news for when Britney Spears’ boys reach the age where they are ready to think about settling down.

A study says that body changes including breast development are driving teenage girls out of sports. Which means that extra credit should be given for staying into golf well past the prime years for Phil Mickelson.

A study says that body changes including breast development are driving teenage girls out of sports. Mostly because the girls know they can become famous make a lot more money from body changes by seeing how it has worked so far for the Kardashians.

A study says dieting may help with the health, sex drive and stress levels of people who are not obese. Which is good news in that people are realizing that just because they aren’t as morbidly obese as everyone else doesn’t mean they still aren’t fat.

A study says that depression in old age may be triggered by dementia. Because what can be more depressing than being old and not being able to remember why you are sad?

Model Bar Refaeli is being accused of copying a bikini design for her own line. Although she claims it was not a copy since there was enough material to actually cover up her private parts.

Britney Spears will receive the Millennum Award at the Billboard Music Awards. Which from its name is apparently given out for the achievement of being born between 1980 and 2000.

Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval will undergo surgery on his left shoulder. Apparently he injured it through repetitive motion as that is the arm that is attached to his fork hand.

Dodgers relief pitcher Josh Ravin has been suspended 80 games for testing positive for PEDs. Although he can work it off gradually by being like the fans and arriving at the third inning and leaving after the sixth.

Model Kate Upton is off the market after getting engaged to Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander. Or as all men who aren’t highly paid athletes need to realize, she has always been off the market.

Gasoline delivery apps are the latest fad for people who don’t want to have to stop and fill up at a gas station. Which is a good thing prices have come down since 2008 or else the only way gasoline could be delivered is by an armored car.

Gasoline delivery apps are the latest fad for people who don’t want to have to stop and fill up at a gas station. It’s not just the time it takes to pump gas people don’t like, its the five pounds they gain when they also by a pack of Slim Jims and a large Slurpee.

A proposed bill in Michigan would mean anyone convicted of hacking a car would get a life sentence. Although there would be exceptions for anyone hired to hack into any FBI vehicles that the agents couldn’t figure out how to start.

Hulu plans to offer streamed cable TV programming that could make them direct competitors to cable. Although they won’t really be on the same level until they triple their price, make customers wait two weeks for service and send over someone who wears their pants halfway down their backside.

A report says Leonardo da Vinci may have used a male model along with a woman as subjects for the Mona Lisa. Which means all this time the real title of the painting was the “Manny Lisa.”

A report says Leonardo da Vinci may have used a male model along with a woman as subjects for the Mona Lisa. Which 500 years from now could be the same mystery that will be unlocked by whomever paints a portrait of Caitlyn Jenner.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This election is really heating up. I live in West Virginia and we have had visits by Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton and are supposedly on the list for Donald Trump. In past elections, West Virginia was pretty much known as the pit stop between campaigning in North Carolina and Pennsylvania. It’s just nice to see them finally acknowledging our existence. That way we can also experience the phenomenon of being made all sorts of promises that will be completely forgotten after Inauguration Day. In the meantime, I will never forget all my great readers who keep checking out the blog every day. The best way for you to return the favor is to remember to always make sure to send the love!

Sunday, May 01, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Wasteland Weekend, a post-apocalyptic festival held in the California desert will be held in September. That month was chosen to give people a couple of months to get used to what things will be like after Donald Trump is elected President in November.

A company claims its new cat collar can translate meows to human speech. Which means it can say “Feed me,” “leave me alone” and “If you need me, I’ll be right here sleeping for the next 20 hours.”

A British doctor says that someone who has already been born will live to be 1,000. To which Larry King is saying “It’s been done.”

A British doctor says that someone who has already been born will live to be 1,000. Which is good news for the young children today who will need that much time to pay off their college tuition loans.

Vogue is using a 100 year old model on its pages for the first time. No one had any idea the latest fashion trend was the return of bloomers.

Vogue is using a 100 year old model on its pages for the first time. The fashion shoot was reportedly difficult at times, but the photographer was finally able to get her to give in to showing a little ankle.

Ted Cruz’ father says his son decided to run for President after God spoke to his wife. People are doubting the claim. Even God would worry about what would happen to his reputation if people knew he was socializing with a Wall Street investment banker.

Ted Cruz’ father says his son decided to run for President after God spoke to his wife. Although it was a little awkward when God approached her and the conversation started off with “So, how’s life being married to Lucifer in the flesh?”

A report says on the eve of government default, Puerto Ricans are broke and out of luck. Which is Puerto Rico is pretty much known as “Tuesday.”

Atlantic City is reportedly on the verge of default. You know things are bad there when they start asking Puerto Rico for financial advice.

Atlantic City is reportedly on the verge of default. The good news is that if we elect Donald Trump President, we have some breathing room knowing there was a 30 year span between starting his first casino there and the financial meltdown.

A study says a small amount of chocolate can fight diabetes and heart disease. The only problem is that a small amount of chocolate is what most Americans call “breakfast.”

A study says that repeating messages over social media makes people stupid by eliminating the need for any original ideas. The bad part is the results of the study have now already been retweeted five million times.

A fan of the show “CSI” used what she learned watching the show to help solve a murder in Spain. It’s just unfortunate that the show wasn’t around in 1994 and that investigators on the O.J. Simpson case only had access to episodes of “Scooby Doo.”

A fan of the show “CSI” used knowledge from watching the show to help solve a murder in Spain. The difference with “CSI: Spain” is that every murder is committed with some lances, a sword and a red cape.

Airlines are now making travelers pay extra to avoid sitting in the middle seat. The only problem is now the people in the aisle and window seats will be sitting next to someone who everyone knows couldn’t afford to sit anywhere better.

Airlines are now making travelers pay extra to avoid sitting in the middle seat. Mostly because it is worth it to sit on the aisle or window seat and only have to fight the person next to you for one of the arm rests.

A report says Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer could get $55 Million in severance pay if the company is sold. Which finally answers the question as to the origin of the company’s name.

A Seattle winery is starting to sell its wine in cans. Apparently it’s for connoisseurs who feel that drinking wine from a box is too pretentious.

A Seattle winery is starting to sell its wine in cans. Although it just sounds strange to hear someone say “Can you pick me up a six pack of Chateau Margaux?”

ExxonMobil reported its smallest quarterly profit in 16 years. To which most businesses that started up after the year 2000 are saying “What’s a profit?”

A poll says that half of Americans think when they retire they won’t have enough money to live comfortably. Mostly because they can’t afford to live comfortably while they are still working three jobs trying to make ends meet.

A poll says that half of Americans think when they retire they won’t have enough money to live comfortably. The other half are pretty sure their retirement party will coincide with their funeral.

A startup called “Getaround” lets people share their cars when they are not using them. Although anyone who has ever driven a rental car will balk at the thought of letting someone else treat their car the same way.

A startup called “Getaround” lets people share their cars when they are not using them. The only problem is giving your car over to a perfect stranger for several hours knowing what can happen when the valet parking attendant has it for only a few minutes.

An old article was discovered showing poet Walt Whitman promoted a Paleo-type of diet consisting of mostly meat back in the 19th century. Which is interesting as most people thought anyone calling a collection of poems “Leaves of Grass” was a vegetarian.

A study says children born to older women tend to grow up taller, fitter and more educated. Which is no surprise seeing what it would be like to be raised by any of the stars of “Teen Mom.”

Passengers on a cruise ship docked in Virginia had to be quarantined for norovirus. Or as being quarantined for norovirus is called on Carnival Cruise Lines, the muster drill.

The FDA is reconsidering painkiller training for doctors. Which up to this point was pretty much giving them a pen and prescription pad.

The FDA is reconsidering painkiller training for doctors. The only problem is the only way most doctors can make it through an FDA training session is by taking a half bottle of Oxyctontin.

Belgium has issued iodine pills to all its citizens as part of a nuclear emergency plan. Even Europe is taking the necessary precautions for what could happen if Donald Trump becomes President.

Woody Harrelson was not chosen as one of the people to be a licensed pot dealer in Hawaii. So, for now he will just have to go back to selling it out of the back of his 1974 Valiant in a parking lot off Hollywood Boulevard.

Alec Baldwin is set to host a reboot on ABC of “The Match Game.” Mostly so he can use the panelist jobs to finally get some work for his brothers Danny, Stephen and Billy.

Alec Baldwin is set to host a reboot on ABC of “The Match Game.” The irony is that the questions on the show won’t use the word “blank” as many times as someone reading the transcripts of one of his phone calls to his kids.

Kylie Jenner says she has paid for everything she has over the past five years, including clothes, cars and houses. Which must sit well with other 18 year olds who are hoping they can scrimp up enough cash from their part time job to buy an iTunes card.

Some nuns are disputing the court decision allowing Katy Perry to buy their convent from the Catholic Church. Apparently they mean business as their legal team is being headed by the left shark.

Some nuns are disputing the court decision allowing Katy Perry to buy their convent from the Catholic Church. The nuns think they can overturn the judge’s decision using legal precedent, the power of prayer and the threat of taking a ruler to his knuckles.

Shia LeBeouf has apologized to the person who was assaulted because he looks like the actor. Although the victim is more interested in LeBeouf apologizing for making both volumes of “Nimphomaniac.”

“Property Brothers” star Jonathan Scott was removed by bouncers after being in a bar fight in North Dakota. Now the only fixer-upper he is dealing with is his reputation for being seen in a bar in North Dakota.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says Laremy Tunsil should have been arrested at the NFL draft after pictures surfaced of him wearing a gas mask to use a bong. It turns out Tunsil keeps the gas mask around just in case he ever winds up at the same buffet restaurant with Chris Christie.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says Laremy Tunsil should have been arrested at the NFL draft after pictures surfaced of him wearing a gas mask with a bong. Although shouldn’t that be a doctor’s diagnosis when it comes to removing a Tunsil?

Mark Zuckerberg says Artificial Intelligence will help diagnose diseases easier and faster using the Internet. Especially any medical conditions caused from sitting in a chair while staring at a computer screen all day.

Cadillac is introducing a full display rearview mirror that uses a camera like a periscope to avoid the driver’s vision being blocked by passengers in the back seat. Which is sad to think the biggest blind spot for drivers is now the fat relatives they have to shuttle back and forth to the Old Country Buffet.

A Berkeley, California chiropractor is warning patients that their data may have been breached. Apparently the patients’ biggest concern is the embarrassment they will face when word gets out they are getting their medical advice from a chiropractor.

A secret court overseeing government surveillance requests accepted every warrant they were handed last year. Mostly because they know the people’s rights to privacy are not in danger as long as the requests to access information is coming from the FBI.

A weasel caused a power outage that temporarily shut down the world’s largest atom smasher in Switzerland. It was the biggest disruption ever caused by a weasel since 2013 when the government was shut down by Ted Cruz.

The “Ghostbusters” remake is the most hated trailer ever on Youtube, with more than a half million dislikes. The only way it could have been worse is if the movie starred Gwyneth Paltrow, was directed by Woody Allen and had a music score by Justin Bieber.

The White House has released a report on how to use technology to develop smart guns. Although there will always be a problem as long as the guns keep ending up in the hands of dumb people.

NASA says a gold plated mirror on the successor to the Hubble Telescope will help scientists see 13.5 Billion years in the past. It will be the biggest gold plated mirror ever used other than the one in Wayne Newton’s private dressing room.

Researchers say they have found a way to make a renewable electricity source using human pee. When the process is perfected, the bank will be telling those researchers “Urine the money!”

The Supreme Court has approved a rule change that expands the FBI’s hacking powers. Now all they have to do is get someone to show the FBI how to hack into something more complicated than a “Hello Kitty” MP3 player.

A study says that hyenas may have feasted on ancient human relatives 500,000 years ago. Laughing wasn’t associated with meal time for people again until the 1950s when Jerry Lewis started doing dinner shows six nights a week in Las Vegas.

A report says that most Republican politicians are not interested in running as Donald Trump’s vice presidential candidate. Even Sarah Palin isn’t interested, asking how do you go any more rogue than that guy?

Some Satanists say they are offended by John Boehner calling Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh.” How bad is it when you have even lost the Devil worshipper vote on moral grounds?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is now May, which means we are roughly six months away from the presidential election. So still plenty of time to get your things in order. At least I will be able to have an easy time with all the material I am provided before the nation finally implodes. And yes, it still means you have several months ahead of you to make sure to remember to always send the love!

Friday, April 29, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Curt Schilling says ESPN is biased against political conservatives. He has a point. Look how many times they have brought Keith Olbermann back every time they fire him.

Curt Schilling says ESPN is biased against political conservatives. At least the ones who keep posting dumb and offensive tweets.

A report says the biggest risks to humanity over the next five years are asteroids, super volcanoes and other “unknown risks.” The biggest threat will still be labeled as an unknown threat until we know for sure if Donald Trump will be elected President.

A poll says that Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are tied with 38% of voters supporting each. The other 24% couldn’t take the survey as they were too busy packing their bags for the move to another country.

A survey says that 86% of campaign reporters say that Hillary Clinton will be the next President. Those are mostly the reporters who are covering the other campaigns and have to listen to what Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina are saying every day.

A study says having lots of friends is a better painkiller than morphine. Especially if your best friends are Ozzy Osbourne, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen.

A report says Facebook spends $5 Million a year on security for Mark Zuckerberg. Which seems kind of odd for someone who claims to have nearly two billion friends.

The University of Washington cheerleading squad is under fire for posting how candidates should dress for tryouts. Mostly because anyone trying out for the pep squad in Washington should show up in rain pants and galoshes with an umbrella.

A study says that U.S. teen births have dropped 40% in the past ten years. The main reasons are the cancellation of “16 and Pregnant,” “Teen Mom” and “Teen Mom 2.”

A report says medical workers are at a high risk of assault from patients. Mostly the ones who fail to get out of the room when the patients are given their hospital bills.

Physical trainers say the case is getting stronger for people to do a one minute intense workout instead of longer moderate exercise. Mostly because one minute is the longest time most people can be pried from the couch and separated from their bag of chips.

Critics are calling for the FDA to ban concentrated caffeine. Which is ironic as the FDA workers would have done it long ago but just don’t seem to have the energy needed to complete the paperwork.

A study says that hearing aids may help keep seniors’ minds sharp. Mostly so they can have conversations with someone other than the voices in their head.

A study says that hearing aids may help keep seniors’ minds sharp. Mostly when they realize why they never have any money when they hear their kids talking about cashing grandpa’s Social Security checks.

A study says that hearing aids may help keep seniors’ minds sharp. The only problem is that they will now be able to hear those TV commercials telling them they need to sign up now for a reverse mortgage.

A group of British doctors is recommending people use e-cigarettes to stop smoking. Which is kind of like telling an alcoholic they need to just drink light beer.

A group of Senators had some harsh words for pharmaceutical company executives over the soaring cost of drugs. To which the executives are saying “Aren’t you the people paying $100 Million for one F-35 fighter jet?”

A group of Senators had some harsh words for pharmaceutical company executives over the soaring cost of drugs. To which the executives are saying they would lower the prices if they had the luxury of running up an $18 Trillion deficit like Congress.

A scene in the new “Angry Birds” movie encourages people to take out their cellphones. Although the bad part is that people already have their phones out to play “Angry Birds” while they wait for the movie to finally be over.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner are set to launch a new swimwear line. People were surprised. There are women in the Kardashian family to go poolside wearing something other than sunscreen?

Caitlyn Jenner took Donald Trump up on his offer to use the women’s restroom in Trump Tower and posted a video on Facebook. People now look back to when Facebook was only pictures of what people had for breakfast and cat videos and thought that really wasn’t such a bad time.

The Oakland Raiders have committed to Las Vegas with a pledge of $500 Million for a new stadium. That is just for the building and field. The city will pick up the cost of installing the slot machines and buffet dining room.

The Oakland Raiders have committed to Las Vegas with a pledge of $500 Million for a new stadium. The Raiders know they can sell out every week by instead of billing themselves as an NFL team they will call each season a 16 week residency.

The Oakland Raiders have committed to Las Vegas with a pledge of $500 Million for a new stadium. They know they can sell out the season by saying the team is opening for the half time show act featuring Wayne Newton.

Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton says he could have done a better job at the Super Bowl post game press conference. Fans are over the news conference. It’s the 18 for 41 passing with six sacks they are still having a problem with.

Cal Ripken, Jr. is divorcing his wife after 29 years of marriage. Apparently she claims the man who broke Lou Gehrig’s record just wasn’t there for her.

Wal-Mart claims it is looking for STEM workers inside its own stores. Although most Wal-Mart employees think STEM workers are the people in the gardening department who are trimming the flowers.

Wal-Mart claims it is looking for STEM workers inside its own stores. Although most Wal-Mart employees think STEM workers are the ones who are in charge of Soda, Tents, Elvis posters and Motor oil.

Google has reportedly made a deal with Fiat Chrysler to make a self-driving car. Which will be much easier once Fiat Chrysler comes up with a car that actually makes it out of the driveway while someone is behind the wheel.

Google has filed for a patent to inject a device directly into the eye to improve people’s vision. Don’t we already have that? It’s called contact lenses.

The CEO of Google says that devices will be a thing of the past. Which they already are for the people who have drawers full of old iPods, Blackberrys and TomToms.

Snapchat says its videos are up to 10 Billion views a day. As many as three of the videos that are being watched feature people who have kept their clothes on.

A South African telecom CEO is in trouble for going on a radio show and saying women have a “bitch switch.” Apparently before he went on the air he forgot to turn off his own “moron switch.”

Apple is eying a voice unlock system for iPhones. Although the one phrase that will not work to open any of the phones is saying “We’re here from the FBI.”

Facebook says it has complied with 81% of the government’s demands for personal data. Apparently the feds are compiling the world’s largest database for pictures of food and cat videos.

Facebook says it has complied with 81% of the government’s demands for personal data. They would have handed over the other 19%, but the FBI keeps insisting they can get it without anyone’s help.

Facebook beat quarterly projections for profit, revenue and new users. The only question is who are new users who are just finding out about Facebook?

Uber says it may start charging customers extra for making drivers wait more than a few minutes. Although the reason they need an Uber driver in the first place is because they are so drunk it takes them 20 minutes to find their way out of the bar.

Self-driving car advocates say that the federal government and not states should set the rules. Mostly because the people in Wyoming who want self-driving technology are still waiting for their local officials to finish the handbook on operating a horse and buggy.

Facebook has adopted rules to allow Mark Zuckerberg to retain his power if he takes a “government post or office.” Which means either he has aspirations to be President or wants to live out his lifelong fantasy of being the license photographer at the DMV.

A report says that seven new animal species were discovered recently in Bolivia. The Bolivian researchers described them as “delicious.”

A letter addressed to Donald Trump contained some suspicious white powder. Although normally there would be no mystery at all about what is inside some white powder in the hands of a billionaire who made his money in the 1970s in New York City.

The Indianapolis Star editorial board slammed Donald Trump as “a danger to the U.S. and to the world” if elected President. Well, at least they narrowed it down to who might be negatively affected if he moves into the White House.

The Indianapolis Star editorial board slammed Donald Trump as “a danger to the U.S. and to the world” if elected President. Which means the first thing Trump will do after being inaugurated is make the auto emissions laws so tough the Indy 500 will become a bicycle race.

A New Jersey congressman is calling for an investigation of FEMA for fraud. Apparently he just heard about that thing back in 2005 in New Orleans called Katrina.

A House bill is aiming to block Norwegian Air flights into the U.S., citing concerns about safety and labor laws. They think they are more unsafe than U.S. airlines? What do they do, fly with the doors and windows left open?

 A House bill is aiming to block Norwegian Air flights into the U.S., citing concerns about safety and labor laws. Which male travelers couldn’t care less about, just the chance to fly and be waited on by hot blonde flight attendants.

Bobby Knight says that Donald Trump has the “guts” to drop a nuclear bomb like Harry S. Truman. Which Trump would do right after naming Knight U.N. Ambassador and watching him throw a chair across the floor of the General Assembly.

Bobby Knight says that Donald Trump has the “guts” to drop a nuclear bomb like Harry S. Truman. Which is probably the first time anyone has given a stump speech that endorses a candidate because of their willingness to start a thermonuclear war.

John Kasich says he is still in the presidential race and that he is “still standing.” Although the sad part is that it is because the leasing company just repossessed all the seats from his campaign bus.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today was a pretty slow news day, but I still managed to crank out 50 jokes. Which means that probably half of them are actually just grammatically correct sentences. If they are even grammatically correct. I am just glad you made it this far without giving up. I admire those who are unreasonably optimistic. You are the same people who go to the polls thinking your choice will make some sort of difference. We can all dream, can’t we? The answer to my dreams is when you all remember to take the time to make sure and always send the love!

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says lifestyle factors like obesity, stress and cellphone use can damage a man’s sperm. But then how many women want to raise a family with someone who is  overweight, stressed out and has their face buried in their iPhone all day?

An Italian court has ordered a man to help pay for the upkeep of his 28 year old son. Fortunately for Americans, the most they are expected to do for their grown children is let them continue to live for free where they don’t have to see them in their basement.

A report says that Ted Cruz can’t get enough delegates to win the Republican presidential nomination. Which is amazing that he actually was able to reach the point of being mathematically eliminated before the Houston Astros.

A study says that the Snowden leaks have made Internet users more cautious about their browsing habits. Although most men have never heard of Edward Snowden but they know what will happen if their wives ever find out what they are looking at online.

Bloomberg is reportedly looking to turn to robots to deliver its news. Which means we could soon see a return to the airwaves for Ted Koppel.

Bloomberg is reportedly looking to turn to robots to deliver its news. Which means it will soon have consultants coming in who will be looking at potential candidates and suggesting more hair, less circuitry.

Bloomberg is reportedly looking to turn to robots to deliver its news. The only problem is if IBM’s Watson gets the job, producers will have to learn to be able to cope with 15 terabytes of ego.

Test scores show that only 37% of American 12th graders are prepared for college math and reading. Which is still a lot better than the 2% who are prepared to deal with paying off tuition loans for 40 years.

Test scores show that only 37% of American 12th graders are prepared for college math and reading. Which is still better than the other 63% of 12th graders who aren’t prepared for the 7th grade.

A study says that sugar can cause brain damage. Apparently along with any of the other ingredients that can be found in a bottle of Mountain Dew.

A JetBlue pilot was arrested for DUI following a flight from Orlando to JFK. Suspicions were raised when it was discovered the pilot was actually supposed to be flying from Atlanta to Dallas on Delta.

A JetBlue pilot was arrested for DUI following a flight from Orlando to JFK. That’s what happens when you sit on the tarmac for three hours and your iPad loses its charge.

Public sector workers in Venezuela have seen their workweek cut to two days in order to save energy. Or as most U.S. government workers call that, “overtime.”

A study says that mindfulness therapy works as well as antidepressant drugs. Mostly just from the fact the people practicing it will be that much happier from not worrying about their insurance company covering their prescription bills.

Donald Trump gave a foreign policy speech where he promised coherence. Which he was able to deliver just in the fact he finally used a teleprompter instead of talking for three hours off the top of his head.

Donald Trump gave a foreign policy speech where he promised to put “America first.” Apparently his plan is to open casinos in all of our rival countries and end up looking like big versions of Atlantic City.

South Korea is changing its Olympic uniforms to protect its athletes from the Zika virus. Although it is going to be difficult to compete in the decathlon while wearing head to toe mosquito netting.

South Korea is changing its Olympic uniforms to protect its athletes from the Zika virus. Meanwhile, the U.S. is changing its athletes’ clothing to protect them from a more probable fate by exchanging their sweatpants for full size body condoms.

A leak reveals no revolutionary new features on the iPhone 7. Just the usual way for people to spend $700 so they can brag to their friends who still only have an iPhone 6, 5 or 4.

Ted Cruz has announced his running mate if nominated will be Carly Fiornia. She was chosen as she can help sway the women’s vote, because of her business background and her experience that will help advise him how to gracefully drop out of the race.

A survey says that healthcare is the top financial concern of American families. Once they figure out the chances of being able to pay off their medical bills, they will then have to determine what to do with any money left over from winning the lottery.

The CEO of Priceline is resigning over an improper relationship with an employee. Suspicions were raised when it was discovered he was not only the CEO but the company’s top customer in motel room rentals.

McDonald’s is testing a simpler recipe for its McNuggets. Apparently this time the company will actually try to add some chicken.

More investors are challenging the huge salaries given company CEOs. What they should be investing in are the companies that own the private jets, limousines and 5 star hotels that the company provides for the CEO to use every day.

A study says health care prices vary widely across the U.S. and even from hospital to hospital. Apparently it all depends on whether the patients’ doctors are wanting to buy a new Mercedes Benz or a beachfront condo.

A study says that poor navigational skills could be an early sign of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the patient can’t even get a diagnosis because they keep getting lost on the way to the doctor’s office.

A study says that poor navigational skills could be an early sign of Alzheimer’s Disease. Or it could also mean they are a man and would rather drive around lost for seven hours than pull over to ask for directions.

A study says that Type 2 Diabetes may damage a person’s hearing. Especially when they became diabetic because they couldn’t hear their spouse telling them not to eat that third piece of pie.

A study says that Type 2 Diabetes may damage a person’s hearing. Although you have to wonder if something could have been done to prevent the diabetes when their body fat actually blocked their ear canals.

Data says there are now more Millennials in the U.S. than Baby Boomers. Although it just looks like there are more Boomers because the Millennials rarely come out of their parents’ basement.

Scientists say that “Resting Bitch Face” is a real condition. Apparently the study used before and after pictures of Hillary Clinton right around the time the nation found out about Monica Lewinsky.

Scientists say that “Resting Bitch Face” is a real condition. Which having the condition in common may be the underlying reason that Ted Cruz chose to run with Carly Fiorina.

Charlie Sheen says a restraining order requested by his ex-fiancee is a publicity stunt. Almost as much of a publicity stunt as becoming engaged to Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen says a restraining order requested by his ex-fiancee is a publicity stunt. The only legitimate restraining orders against Charlie Sheen come from former wives and co-workers.

Miley Cyrus got a tattoo of Saturn and called it Jupiter. Which is OK as long as she doesn’t confuse it with “Uranus.” (It’s old, it’s juvenile, it’s predictable. But always funny!)

Miley Cyrus got a tattoo of Saturn and called it Jupiter. Apparently she likes them both as they have 129 moons between them, about the same number that can be seen whenever Miley Cyrus takes the stage.

Patriots resale ticket prices have dropped in the wake of Tom Brady’s suspension. It was blamed on his absence from the games, the bad publicity and deflation in general.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league is ready to move on from Deflategate. Which translated means he won.

The President of the Philippines says that a terrorist group plotted to kidnap boxer Manny Pacquiao. Mostly because he could command a huge ransom, would give publicity to their cause and they knew after watching him fight Floyd Mayweather he wouldn’t hit back.

A Dallas judge has ordered Johnny Manziel to appear in court May 5th. The judge picked that date knowing if there is one day Manziel is guaranteed to be in Texas, it is for Cinco de Mayo .

A 29 year old man who was arrested after posing as a high school basketball player in Canada says since he is from South Sudan he had no idea of his real age. Although three quick clues could have been his receding hairline, pot belly and liver spots.

Facebook has proposed a new class of stock to protect Mark Zuckerber’s control over the company. Apparently it is the only stock that allows any stockholder votes and comes at a price of $50 Billion a share.

Ford and Google are teaming up to support federal approval of driverless cars. So far the closest Ford has come to a driverless car is when the parking brake failed on a Focus that was parked on a hill.

A boost in Facebook stock sent Mark Zuckerberg’s net worth up $4.2 Billion on Wednesday, making him the world’s 6th wealthiest person. The sad part is that he has no idea all 1.5 Billion Facebook users have friended him just for his money.

Customer backlash has caused Comcast to boost its broadband data limit to 1 Terabyte a month. That equals 700 hours of video and 12,000 hours of games. Or as AOL calls that, see you in 2073.

Customer backlash has caused Comcast to boost its broadband data limit to 1 Terabyte a month. That equals 700 hours of video and 12,000 hours of games. Which is good news for Baby Boomers who only have to see their millennial kids come up from the basement for pizza and to ask what day it is.

An Apple employee was found dead at the company’s headquarters. Although no cause of death has been released yet, it can pretty much be assumed it wasn’t old age.

A new “serious” video game challenges players to keep the national debt in check. The idea is getting high school aged kids working on an $18 Trillion debt will make paying off a $100,000 college debt over 40 years seem easy by comparison.

Dyson has launched a $399 supersonic home hair dryer. Apparently it was made for the purpose of saving valuable hours every day by installing one in the White House in case Donald Trump is elected President.

A report says that pollution is causing the planet to become greener as plants are thriving on the additional CO2. Which is good to know all the cemeteries will be even more beautiful places to visit after global warming kills us all.

85 year old William Shatner says that “Star Trek” technology is not all that far fetched. Which is a surprise coming from someone who still has a VCR in his living room that is constantly flashing “12:00.”

85 year old William Shatner says that “Star Trek” technology is not all that far fetched. Although at least by 2364 someone will have invented a more believable hairpiece.

The Secret Service says it wants to increase the size of the fence around the White House to a height of 12 feet. Apparently they are already anticipating the first order coming from the White House after Donald Trump moves in.

The Secret Service says it wants to increase the size of the fence around the White House to 12 feet. Apparently they figure the time it would take most people to scale a fence that high would give the agents on duty a chance to sober up and call 911.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog once again. I am still cranking them out every day even though I am still woefully short of my goal to reach 7 Billion readers a day. I just can’t believe more people are willing to vote for ted Cruz for President than check out this great humor site. Some things just never make any sense. At least I feel I get your vote every day, especially when you remember to take the time to make sure and send the love!