Sunday, July 05, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Eight time defending champion Joey Chestnut has been dethroned in the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest. Chestnut complained some of the hot dogs were served cold, which is raising suspicions of Nathan’s decision to hand over grilling duties to Tom Brady.

Greek banks are poised to seize a “haircut” of 30% of customers’ deposits to ward off a financial collapse. The haircut idea would never work in the U.S. when the banks realize the entire economy is pretty much a combover.

A poll says one third of U.S. voters say the states should ignore federal courts’ decisions. The other two thirds are content to just ignore the courts when they are sent a summons for jury duty.

A poll says one third of U.S. voters say the states should ignore federal courts’ decisions. Which is evenly divided with one third who say we should ignore Congress and the other third who say we should reject the White House.

Hollywood celebrities are protesting the construction of “gigamansions” in their neighborhoods, some as big as 90,000 square feet. How bad has it gotten when people in the entertainment industry are complaining about an excessively extravagant lifestyle?

Hollywood celebrities are protesting the construction of “gigamansions” in their neighborhoods, some as big as 90,000 square feet. Although Kevin Federline says needs 90,000 square feet if he is going to give each of his kids their own room.

A scientist says a new drug could put immortality within reach. Which is great news for people who would be given the hope of being able to work past 120 and actually start thinking about being able to retire.

The Tunisian President has called a state of emergency. Which in most other Middle East countries was already declared sometime back in the 14th century.

John McCain is warning against a calendar based pullout of U.S. troops from Afghanistan. Mostly because when you are as old as John McCain, you get out of the habit of not planning anything around the calendar.

John McCain is warning against a calendar based pullout of U.S. troops from Afghanistan. Mostly because at this point instead of figuring out which month to bring the troops back we should be looking at which decade.

A report says the Pentagon is concerned about how to fight a “hybrid war” that uses stealth invasions, unconventional forces and propaganda. Even more confusing is the term “hybrid war” which makes some generals think soldiers will be driven into battle in an armor plated Prius.

A report says the Pentagon is concerned about how to fight a “hybrid war” that uses stealth invasions, unconventional forces and propaganda. At least the military knows we can win the propaganda part of any conflict as long as we have Fox News on our side.

A survey says that pessimism and frequently being late are the top reasons employees are passed over for promotion. Although most people are in a bad mood and late because they had to work overtime at the other two jobs they need to make ends meet.

Reba McEntire has sold her home in Beverly Hills for $22.25 Million. The home has seven bedrooms, nine bathrooms and has just been outfitted with a new set of tires.

Reba McEntire has sold her home in Beverly Hills for $22.25 Million. The home has nine bathrooms, three which are actually inside the house.

A study says that 72% of retired Baby Boomers are not working for pay in their retirement. Mostly because they don’t have time to find another job as they are too busy raising their grandchildren living in the basement with their Millennial kids.

A research company says that despite recent attacks in North Carolina, Florida is still the most likely place to have an encounter with a shark. And once again, the least likely place to have to worry about being bitten by a shark is still Nebraska.

A research company says that despite recent attacks in North Carolina, Florida is still the most likely place to have an encounter with a shark. Although most people there would still rather take their chances in the water against driving in traffic with George Zimmerman still on the streets.

A report says the TSA paid $3 Million over the past five years in luggage claims for broken, lost or stolen bags. The airlines’ response was to say “Amateurs!”

Health insurance companies are seeking rate increases of 20 to 40 percent in 2016, claiming that ACA customers are sicker than expected. Mostly from finally getting health insurance and seeing how much they still have to pay for their medical bills.

Health insurance companies are seeking rate increases of 20 to 40 percent in 2016, claiming that ACA customers are sicker than expected. That, and health insurance executives are finding the price of vacation homes in the Hamptons have also recently gone up by 20 to 40 percent.

A V.A. hospital in South Dakota that treated Civil War veterans is facing closure. Which is unfortunate as some Union soldiers have just been notified they have finally been taken off the waiting list for appointments.

The childhood home of Dick Van Dyke could be torn down after being condemned. Apparently the home in Illinois was determined to be too much of a hazard as people living there kept tripping over the living room ottoman.

A poll says that 82% of the audience in “Magic Mike XXL” is female. As oppose to 100% of the audience at an Adam Sandler movie who are angry at the $8 and 90 minutes they will never get back.

A poll says that 82% of the audience in “Magic Mike XXL” is female. The other 18% are men who saw the Roman numerals and thought it was a documentary about the Super Bowl.

Sean “Diddy” Combs will not face felony charges over an alleged assault at UCLA where his son plays football. After incidents involving a shooting and other assaults it is ironic that someone named Combs has had so many brushes with the law.

Manny Pacquiao is hitting back at Floyd Mayweather after an Instagram post where Mayweather called him a “lost soul.” Which wouldn’t have been necessary if Pacquiao had instead decided to hit back sometime while the two of them were in the ring.

NASCAR says it won’t use Donald Trump’s Doral Miami resort for its annual banquet. Not because of Trump’s recent comments about Mexican immigrants, but because they just would feel a lot more at home holding their event at the Waffle House.

NASCAR says it won’t use Donald Trump’s Doral Miami resort for its annual banquet after his comments about Mexican immigrants. Who ever thought a NASCAR paved oval track would one day be seen as the high road?

The President of France has denied WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s request for protection. Apparently he feels it is a publicity stunt, because if anyone was really in fear of their life why would they go to the French for protection?

A new iPhone case is being marketed that looks like a gun. The only drawback is that it only works on phones that will take calls exclusively from area codes in Florida.

A report says the new job market normal will be for a smaller workforce along with lower pay. In other words, the job that you had to try to make some extra money when you were in college will also be the job after you graduate.

A report says that optimism in the economy by small businesses is falling. Especially the small businesses that because of the economy used to be big businesses.

A report says that historians are baffled by a handprint smudge in the bottom left corner of the Declaration of Independence. Which is different than the smudges left by the Supreme Court justices in their attempts to completely obliterate the Constitution.

Donald Trump says he is “surprised” at the backlash from his remarks about Mexican immigrants. In fact the other day he was even actually bitten by the squirrel that lives on top of his head.

Jeb Bush says he doesn’t need his family name to win the presidency. Just all the corporate campaign donations that come with having that name.

Jeb Bush says he doesn’t need his family name to win the presidency. Although someone should tell him at this point he would have a better chance with voters if his family’s name was Nixon.

JetBlue has begun direct flights from New York to Cuba. So far the only fares offered are one way but include an inflatable raft for the trip back.

JetBlue has begun direct flights from New York to Cuba. Even though diplomatic relations haven’t been completely restored, the airline figures they will by the time any of their scheduled flights there actually get off the tarmac.

Hispanic leaders say the GOP must condemn Donald Trump. Which is no problem since there is no way to be more guaranteed of getting ripped to shreds by other GOP members than to announce you are a candidate for the Republican nomination.

Hispanic leaders say the GOP must condemn Donald Trump after his remarks about Mexican immigrants. Not only is Trump losing all kinds of business connections, none of his properties have had their lawns mowed or hedges clipped in three months.

A biographer of Richard Nixon says that Hillary Clinton exhibits some Nixonian attributes. Which means if she is elected President that is just more bad news for Monica Lewinsky.

A biographer of Richard Nixon says that Hillary Clinton exhibits some Nixonian attributes. The only difference is that she isn’t paranoid since her political opponents really have been out to get her for years.

Miss Universe Paulina Vega of Colombia has slammed Donald Trump for his recent remarks about Latino immigrants. Trump says she has the right to her opinion but when she comes back across the border for this year’s pageant she will not be riding in the trunk of his limo.

Cyber experts say it would be impossible to make the government completely safe from hackers. Although most Americans would be happy if we could just make it safe from Congress.

A report says the health care industry has added 135,000 jobs in the past three months. Mostly people hired by the health insurance companies to find new ways to keep them from paying out any claims for patients who have policies under Obamacare.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a great 4th of July and that your hearing comes back sometime soon. The fireworks shows are always great, and hopefully one year soon we will light off more explosives here than in some other country 10,000 miles away. Although the news was pretty slow since it was a holiday, I was able to crank out my usual number of jokes without taking a day off. Even though it was suggested I take at least a one day break by popular request. I hope that after the fireworks extravaganzas you still have all your limbs which makes it easier to scroll through the blog. It also makes it a much more simple task when you sit down and take the time to remember to send the love!

Friday, July 03, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A former CNN anchor and her correspondent husband survived a shootout during an attempted robbery at a Motel 6 in Albuquerque. Obviously they aren’t with CNN anymore or else they wouldn’t have been able to be reimbursed for such luxurious accommodations while on business.

“The View” says it may fire two of the show’s co-hosts and replace them with alternating temporary co-hosts. Apparently they want to go with a rotating staff to give them some time to catch their breath after trying to get a word in edgewise.

“The View” says it may fire two of the show’s co-hosts and replace them with alternating temporary co-hosts. How bad have things gotten in the employment world when even network talk shows are treating their hosts like Uber drivers?

An evolution expert from Cambridge University says that space aliens would more than likely look just like humans. The real question is why is an evolution expert studying space aliens when we are more interested in what went wrong in Mississippi?

Prince has taken his music off all streaming services. Mostly because anyone who is under 40 and young enough to use streaming services has never even heard of Prince.

The average price at San Francisco hotels is now the highest in the world at $397 a night. Of course, most of that is to cover the cost of them putting a piece of Ghirardelli chocolate on the pillows.

The British government has told schools they can confiscate, keep or destroy unhealthy or inappropriate items from children’s lunchboxes. Which is good news for the kids who have seen the last time their moms have tried to pack them a lunch of haggis.

A poll says that fewer people say they are “extremely proud” to be Americans. Mostly because it is so hard to go around the country and find any people who are still actually Americans.

Former Senator Jim Webb has become the fifth person to announce his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President. To which the 14 running for the Republican nomination are saying “Amateurs!”

NASCAR tracks are asking fans to refrain from flying the Confederate flag at races. Which is bad news for the fans as that pretty much eliminates their entire Sunday best wardrobe.

NASCAR tracks are asking fans to refrain from flying the Confederate flag at races. Track officials say if people want to show off their Southern heritage it will be pretty obvious when they show up with a mullet haircut and a sleeve of tattoos under their Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt.

The Department of Justice has announced an $18.7 Billion agreement in principle with BP over the Gulf Oil Spill. People were confused by the announcement, as they had never seen the terms “BP” and “principle” ever used together.

A polygamist family in Montana has applied for a marriage license following the Supreme Court’s marriage equality decision. Which is OK with Republicans as long as the people applying for the license aren’t gay.

 A polygamist family in Montana has applied for a marriage license following the Supreme Court’s marriage equality decision. People were impressed. It’s hard enough to find one woman in Montana that someone would actually want to marry.

Cuba has launched its first Wi-Fi hotspot in Havana. Which means they will soon be like the rest of the world and get unlimited porn, watch cat videos and get personal e-mails from a Nigerian prince.

The number of workers who will qualify for overtime wages under a new rule could increase to 5 Million. Which will be good news when they can find a job that gives them even 25 hours a week on the clock.

Whole Foods has apologized for overcharging customers in New York City. They said they just figured anyone who had enough money to live in New York City and shop at Whole Foods wouldn’t notice.

Bubble wrap has changed so it can no longer be popped. Which is going to put Amazon out of business for all the people who just ordered cheap crap online so they could pop the packing bubbles all day.

A website that allows only one person access at a time for one minute has thousands of people waiting for a chance to take a turn. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the Obamacare enrollment site.

The organization that assigns IP addresses for North American says it has officially run out of numbers, because the old system only allowed for 4.3 Billion sites. Which means there will be 4.2 Billion addresses freed up once they get all the porn sites on another system.

The BBC says it will be cutting 1,000 jobs. Mostly the period piece wardrobe staff that will no longer be needed once “Downton Abbey” goes off the air.

The U.S. added 223,000 jobs to the workforce in June. No one had any idea there were that many new 7-Elevens and Go-Marts opening across the country.

A study says that children born to parents who are not genetically similar have better cognitive skills. Which explains why there are so many 19 year olds still filling up third grade classrooms in Alabama.

Data says that 90% of Americans are eating too much salt. The other 10% ingest less salt because they say it takes away from the taste of all the fat and sugar in everything they eat.

A study says that taking naps on the job may help workers’ productivity. Considering there haven’t been any major plane crashes in the past few years, it means that maybe those air traffic controllers are really on to something.

A study says that taking naps on the job may help workers’ productivity. Especially when their nap time takes the place of the time they usually spend online shopping, gambling and watching porn.

A former Miss Bosnia has been linked to a series of robberies and as many as five murders. Not only could she face several years in prison, she could lose her title as Miss Congeniality.

A former Miss Bosnia has been linked to a series of robberies and as many as five murders. Now the beauty contest officials know when she said she had a pair of 38s under her bikini top, she meant she really had a pair of .38s.

A former Miss Bosnia has been linked to a series of robberies and as many as five murders. She will be the one who will show up at her court appearances wearing a bright orange evening gown.

Robin Thicke says he is “embarrassed” by his attempts to win back his ex-wife Paula Patton. Although what he should really be mortified about is those aviator glasses he was wearing in that “Blurred Lines” video.

Sonia Manzano, who played Maria on “Sesame Street” is retiring after nearly 45 years on the show. Apparently her health has been slipping ever since she contracted diabetes following an affair with the Cookie Monster.

Sonia Manzano, who played Maria on “Sesame Street” is retiring after nearly 45 years on the show. Her decision to leave the show comes after realizing that a career of trying to teach American children to read was pretty much a waste of five decades.

University of Kentucky fans now have their own dating sight. Before that the most common website for people in Kentucky was Ancestry.com.

The stud fee for Triple Crown winner American Pharoah could be as much as $200,000. Which immediately won the horse admiration from several NBA players who are saying “You have all the kids as you want and they pay you?”

NBA player Luke Ridnour has been traded four times in the past week. Which he says he doesn’t mind as long as he doesn’t end up wearing a uniform that says “Knicks.”

A proposal to change the way consumers are charged for electricity could end up costing poor people more money. The good news is that when their power is turned off for non-payment the only shock they will get is when they see how much they owe on their final bill.

Patients in Arizona will now be able to order blood tests without going through their doctor. Which is good news for the people there who are so old they forgot what year they were born but can find out with blood work that includes carbon dating.

Futurists say that self-driving cars will cost cities revenue from traffic violations and unemployed delivery workers and cabbies. Not only that, but TV stations in Los Angeles will have to cut their news programming in half without any more high speed freeway chases to send their helicopters to cover.

Windows 10 is set to launch July 29th, but Microsoft says it will be only for selected users. Mostly those who the company is still trying to appease after selling them a computer that worked off Windows Vista.

A smartphone “kill switch” law has started in California which allows users to disable their phones in case they are stolen. Or if they want a phone that won’t work just half the time they can always sign up for service with AT&T.

GM says it will offer a way for parents to track their teens’ driving behavior to cut down on accidents. Or they can cut back on their accidents by just making them hand over their cellphones when they ask to borrow the car.

A study says the best time to post on Facebook to get the most “likes” is during the late morning and early afternoon on Tuesday and Wednesday. Mostly because by Thursday everyone is sick of seeing what all their friends have eaten for every meal that week.

A study says the best time to post on Facebook to get the most “likes” is during the late morning and early afternoon on Tuesday and Wednesday. Or any time as long as it is the latest video of a cat.

Scientists in Australia say they have found a bird that communicates like humans. As opposed to humans in New York City who communicate with each other by flipping them the bird.

Oregon has launched a program that will tax cars by the mile. Which could make a fortune for people who are driving from Washington State to Montana but don’t want to have to go through Idaho.

Fiat Chrysler will soon receive its punishment for failing to follow the law on 23 recalls. Or as Fiat Chrysler calls 23 recalls, a pretty good afternoon.

Fiat Chrysler will soon receive its punishment for failing to follow the law on 23 recalls. The automaker’s defense is they aren’t as good with recalls because they don’t have nearly the experience with fixing defective vehicles as they do over at GM.

U.S. unemployment has fallen to 5.3%, its lowest level in seven years. Mostly because the other 94.7% of Americans have finally figured that a career change to working behind the counter at a 7-Eleven at least gets them out of the house a few hours a day.

House Republicans are pushing for deregulation of the U.S. Forest Service. Which means that Smokey the Bear can finally show up for work without wearing that ridiculous hat and jeans.

House Republicans are pushing for deregulation of the U.S. Forest Service. They are so excited about the prospect that they had 500 giant redwood trees specially chopped down to make the paper to be used for the printing of the official legislation.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! If you are like most Americans, you are reading this on your cellphone while behind the wheel while taking off to try to beat the traffic for the 4th of July holiday weekend. Which makes me honored to know it may be the last thing you are looking at before your car veers into a roadside oak tree. I hope you all enjoy the holiday weekend, and that when you log in to check out the blog on Monday you will be sobered up and all your fireworks burns will be on their way to healing nicely. The only thing I ask is that between beers and rounds of shooting off Roman candles at the kids, try to take some time to remember to make sure to send the love!

Thursday, July 02, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says 1 in 3 Americans could consider moving to a different country. The other two thirds who are here say they just did.

TV Land has pulled episodes of “The Dukes of Hazzard” reportedly because of the Confederate flag on the roof of their car The General Lee. Although some critics say the show should have instead been pulled for generally bad writing and acting.

TV Land has pulled episodes of “The Dukes of Hazzard” reportedly because of the Confederate flag on the roof of their car The General Lee. What’s worse is that they are replacing it with reruns of “Amos ‘N’ Andy” and “Charlie Chan.”

A report says the average price of a home in Manhattan has reached a new high of $1.87 Million. The good news is that $450,000 will still get you a nice Amana side by side refrigerator box with a nice view of Central Park.

ESPN has reportedly told Keith Olbermann to stop engaging in commentary on his program. Not to say that TV management is timid, but Olbermann was turned down by the Discovery Channel because they were afraid he might be too critical of sharks.

ESPN has reportedly told Keith Olbermann to stop engaging in commentary on his program. Although they can’t be held responsible for not knowing what he was going to be like since he has only been doing it for 30 years including 5 previous years at ESPN.

A report to the U.N. says that parents in the UK must stop spanking their children. Although if they are really concerned about children in the UK being abused they should start with banning their parents from serving them British food.

A study is linking traffic noise to heart disease. Especially for people who are stuck on the freeway trying to get to the office who are completely surrounded for an hour by cars that have their stereos cranked up the entire time playing rap music.

A study is linking traffic noise to heart disease. Especially for the stress of people in Florida who are stuck on the freeway and can’t go anywhere when they realize that George Zimmerman is in the next car.

Andy Warhol’s painting of a $1 Bill was sold for $32.6 Million at an art auction. Or as 1 dollar for 32.6 Million is called in Zimbabwe, the going currency exchange rate.

The Department of Justice is investigating several airlines for conspiring to keep ticket prices high. Which some see as a smokescreen by the airlines to keep the DOJ from looking into their outrageous fees, poor customer service and lost baggage.

The Department of Justice is investigating several airlines for conspiring to keep ticket prices high. To which the airlines say it isn’t a conspiracy, they are just doing it on their own so they can make more money.

A report says that Californians cut their water use by 29% in May. Mostly because nothing has been coming out of the tap since April.

Several counties in Alabama are refusing to issue marriage licenses to anyone in the wake of the Supreme Court ruling making same sex marriages legal. Apparently the state wants to sanction only traditional marriages, which in Alabama means replacing “same sex” with “same family.”

The Secret Service is putting metal spikes on top of the fence around the White House to keep out intruders. So far other measures have been taken like increasing the number of guards and changing the locks, but somehow Joe Biden still has been finding ways to get in.

A report says one third of the world’s population has no proper toilets. Which would also be a problem in New York City but fortunately people there can always just use the subway stations.

An analysis says that Americans are going to spend $15.8 Billion on the 4th of July holiday weekend. Mostly in the traditional holiday fashion at the ER for extreme sunburn, alcohol poisoning and blowing off their fingers with fireworks.

An analysis says that Americans are going to spend $15.8 Billion on the 4th of July holiday weekend.  And that doesn’t even cover the increase in their home insurance premiums when they burn down their house using Roman candles.

A report says that executive education at the nation’s top business schools is using virtual reality. Mostly because it’s the only way to show students what it is like to run a business in an economy that isn’t plagued by high unemployment, widespread poverty and deep personal debt.

3,000 baby floats have been recalled because of a danger of deflation. The company says everything was fine until they signed an endorsement deal with Tom Brady.

A report says that doctors and hospitals received $6.5 Billion last year in payments from drug companies and medical device manufacturers, which the companies say went for research and consulting. Mostly researching which color Mercedes Benz looks best and consulting on whether it’s better to vacation in the Bahamas or Europe.

Telemundo will be the first network to produce an entire newscast with smartphones and tablets. So far, the lead story is coming down to a decision between reporters’ selfies, pictures of what the anchors ate for lunch and seven cat videos.

A research group says if the middle class prospered as much as the top 1% in the last few years their average yearly income would be $156,000. Although the reason the top 1% is doing so well is because they have cut the salaries of all the people who used to be in the middle class down to $7.25 an hour.

A report says the Internet is ruining people’s memories, with only half being able to recall their friends’ and family members’ phone numbers. Which is fine because thanks to the Internet the only way people communicate anymore is through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

A study says that fewer Americans are using tanning beds. The only people who still use them are those who can’t find time to get outdoors, live in a colder climate and thos who like to show off their impression of John Boehner.

A study says that obese teenagers are less likely to use birth control. Mostly because why would they need to?

A former researcher at Iowa State University has been sentenced to nearly five years in prison for AIDS research fraud. Which is ironic in that if he had actually been able to come up with a cure for AIDS he wouldn’t have to pray his cellmates don’t mind using a condom.

A study says that a cholesterol lowering drug may affect patients’ aggression. Although not as much as trying to lower someone’s cholesterol by taking away their box of doughnuts.

A study says that restaurant meals are as bad as or worse than fast food for people’s waistlines. The only difference is that eating fast food saves people money they can spend on insulin prescriptions, lap band surgery and a portable defibrillator.

An Arkansas teenager pulled a four inch long centipede out of his own ear. And you thought that catchy tune you heard the other day gave you an ear worm.

An Arkansas teenager pulled a four inch long centipede out of his own ear. The news media around the world has picked up on the report, saying this is one story that really has legs.

A study says that having blue eyes is linked to alcoholism. Mostly women who are also blond who can’t walk into a bar without having five men trying to buy them a drink before they even sit down.

A study says that having blue eyes is linked to alcoholism. Apparently the study was done using Lindsey Lohan, Amanda Bynes and Courtney Love.

A study says the best way to lose weight quickly is by becoming a vegan. Or as most Americans call a vegan diet, “starvation.”

A study says that women’s faces become redder when they are ovulating. Mostly because that is when they become embarrassed that someone will find out that they are thinking only about Brad Pitt.

A study says that older athletes have a fitness age that is as much as 20 years younger than their chronological age. Which means Tim Duncan actually has the body of a 45 year old.

A report says medical experts say cardiac arrest is killing too many people. Although not as many who are killed while being placed under arrest by police in New York City.

A report says medical experts say cardiac arrest is killing too many people because bystanders don’t do enough. If only someone could figures out how to make an app that works as a defibrillator while people are still able to use their phones to look at e-mails.

A report says that Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have applied for membership but could be turned down by The Country Club in Boston. Apparently the club is so stodgy they can’t fathom the idea of having a member whose wife not only has a job but may even be making more money than her husband.

Kim Kardashian says that she thinks people would call her a feminist. She says she would too, but would first have to run it by her husband Kanye West.

Plans are in the works for a movie based on the game “Monopoly.” In other words, get ready for yet another biopic about Steve Jobs.

Facebook has introduced its new logo. Which was apparently designed by the same people who came up with the idea for New Coke.

Facebook has introduced its new logo. Apparently Mark Zuckerberg is still looking for any new way to hook the last 1% of people on the planet who haven’t yet become addicted scrolling and posting for eight hours a day on the social network.

A report says free agent LaMarcus Aldridge was not impressed by a presentation by the Los Angeles Lakers. To which Lakers fans are saying “Tell us about it.”

The WWE is seeking to block concussion related lawsuits from former wrestlers. The only problem is being able to tell when a wrestler has actually suffered a head injury.

The WWE is seeking to block concussion related lawsuits from former wrestlers. The WWE says they will only concede that a wrestler is exhibiting signs of brain injury when they start acting like their fans.

Norwegian Cruise Line is offering a zombie-themed cruise in January. Although fans who can’t make that voyage can always become part of the walking dead who wander around the deck by taking a Carnival cruise and going through one of the buffet lines.

Facebook says it has doubled its number of black hires which now make up 1.5% of the staff. Not only that, but the company says it will train the rest of the employees to be sensitive to the needs of both their minority workers.

A study by scientists says there is a correct way to pet a cat. Apparently it should be done when the cat is ready, which is sometime in the five seconds between eating its dinner and lying down for a 20 hour nap.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We are now in July, the seventh month of the year. Which means that I should probably get to work on some of these jokes so as to not waste your time as much as I did during the first six. I appreciate your reading my blog, and just ask that you spread the word and tell other people how outrageously funny it is. OK, so no one has ever asked you to lie before? I hope that isn’t expecting too much. The only other fee I ever charge for this site is hoping that once in awhile you will all remember to send the love!

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Greek financial crisis could disrupt imports which has people worried that even the most basic goods won’t be available. In other words, they are tying to get out of paying their debt by disguising themselves as Russia.

Pope Francis I on his visit to the U.S. will be scheduled to meet with prisoners, immigrants and the homeless. Which until now was a secret that he intended to include some time in California.

A report says that helium has been leaking from an earthquake fault in California. Which means the real harbinger of an impending quake isn’t animal behavior or an increase in static electricity but when people start to talk in a very high pitched voice.

A report says that helium has been leaking from an earthquake fault in California. Which finally explains why after living in southern California for more than 50 years the voice of Mickey Mouse has evolved into such a permanently high pitch.

Chick-fil-A has been rated as the most popular fast food restaurant in the U.S. Mostly because people like the way the food is prepared, the friendly service and that they don’t have to wonder why all the wall art has been replaced by defibrillator stations.

A survey says that half of all students in New York City speak a language other than English at home. Although everyone questioned has at least mastered enough English to know “I’m walkin’ here!,” “Fuggedabout it” and “What are you lookin’ at?”

A survey says that half of all students in New York City speak a language other than English at home. The other half speak a language other than English everywhere.

A study says that nature walks are good for the brain. Mostly by making people have to think really hard about where there is a place within a half hour of their home that has a ground cover that is something other than cement or asphalt.

A study says that nature walks are good for the brain. Except when a nature walk is what it’s called when your elderly neighbor walks outside to get the newspaper with his robe completely undone.

A Russian cosmonaut has set the all time record for living in space at 803 days. The cosmonaut says they enjoy the serenity, contributing to science and being able to spend the 803 days doing something other than waiting in line for toilet paper and bread.

A report says that many women globally experience poor treatment during childbirth, including abuse and disrespect. Which is actually good because they are then prepared for what to expect when their child becomes a teenager.

A report says that many women globally experience poor treatment during childbirth, including abuse and disrespect. Which they in turn inflict on their husbands when they scream during delivery “You did this to me!”

FIFA President Sepp Blatter says he will miss the Women’s World Cup Finals because of “personal reasons.” Apparently he needs to visit a country that is a potential site for a future World Cup because he insists on being there in person to collect any bribes.

FIFA President Sepp Blatter says he will miss the Women’s World Cup Finals because of “personal reasons.” It won’t be the first time a women’s sporting event will be affected because of an overactive Blatter.

Hyundai has launched an app that can be used with an Apple Watch. The feature can flash the car’s lights and start it remotely, not to mention showing that even an Apple Watch has more horsepower than a Prius.

McDonald’s is selling lobster rolls at its New England locations for $7.99. Guys thinking they can count that as taking their date out for a lobster dinner have about as much luck as thinking going to Burger King is the same thing as introducing them to royalty.

McDonald’s is selling lobster rolls at its New England locations for $7.99. Which has about the same power to impress a date as going to Wendy’s for caviar and scooping it onto the chili side crackers with the spoon from your Frosty.

The President of Brazil says the U.S. economy’s recovery is proof that Brazil can return to economic growth. It’s good to know that we have been able to inspire others with our ability to climb out of the recession and still only have $17 Trillion in national debt.

Texas Roadhouse has been selected as America’s favorite full service restaurant. Not to say our standards have fallen a bit, but most Americans anymore consider a restaurant full service if you don’t have to pick up your discarded peanut shells off the floor.

An airline caterer is suing the city of Los Angeles over an order that they must pay their employees a “living wage.” What’s next, that they try to force them to start making edible food to serve on planes?

An airline caterer is suing the city of Los Angeles over an order that they must pay their employees a “living wage.” People were shocked. Airlines are still serving food on their flights?

An airline caterer is suing the city of Los Angeles over an order that they must pay their employees a “living wage.” That’s a tough case to try to win over a jury with. Apparently they are planning on using the “Simon Legree” defense.

The Wayback Burger chain is offering cricket milkshakes. The only question is how hard was it to get enough people to be able to milk that many crickets?

The Wayback Burger chain is offering cricket milkshakes. Although when people go to eat at “Wayback” they had no idea the restaurant’s name comes from taking them back to the Biblical Egyptian plague of locusts.

Jim Beam sent a letter to the FCC saying the country needs broadband competition. The company could give no real reason for sending the letter, other than that they also in the same week drunk dialed three former girlfriends.

JetBlue has announced it will start charging $25 for the first piece of checked luggage. Apparently they are labeling it as a storage fee for the time they are keeping their luggage while the plane sits on the tarmac for three days waiting to take off.

A study says that sugary soft drinks are linked to 25,000 deaths in the U.S. every year. People were so shocked by the news that they had to stop and take a Big Gulp.

A Tennessee couple is getting married after the bride was in an accident after their first wedding and can’t remember the event. Which confused most people in Tennessee who consider any wedding a failure when the people can remember what happened.

A study says that PTSD is linked to a risk of heart trouble in women. Well, that news ought to help them relax and be able to sleep better at night.

A study says that marriage adds four and a half pounds to most people. The study also says the best way to end any marriage is for the husband to point that fact out to his wife.

Scientists say that babies can make out facial expressions two to three days after birth. Which is bad news for the ones who want to take out revenge later on the guy who slapped their bottom right after they came out of the womb.

A study says in tough times parents prefer girls to boys. Mostly because they know the only chance they have to ever retire is to have a daughter they can marry off to a billionaire.

A study says in tough times parents prefer girls to boys. Mostly because they see how well the Kardashian and Jenner girls have done and at the same time realize no one has any idea they have some brothers.

A study says that patients who are rehospitalized after surgery have a lower risk of death if they go back to the same hospital. Not only that, but most hospitals give rebates for when they accidentally remove the wrong organ or limb.

A study says that patients who are rehospitalized after surgery have a lower risk of death if they go back to the same hospital. Mostly because there is a good chance they haven’t yet thrown away the parts they accidentally removed the first time.

A study says that pain responses may differ between men and women. For instance, a woman who catches her husband cheating may have a pain in her heart, while her husband may feel what it is like to have a frying pan cracked over his skull.

A study says that one third of Americans own guns, mostly white men who are over 55. People were surprised. A third of America is still white?

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have announced they are going to divorce after ten years of marriage. Apparently Garner feels that Affleck has never been completely honest with her, like refusing to say who actually wrote the screenplay for “Good Will Hunting.”

The Discovery Channel has bought the rights to the next four Olympics for Europe. The only problem is when the cable network tries a cross promotion that features stocking the Olympic pool with a school of hungry sharks.

Phil Knight says he will be stepping down as Nike Chairman at age 77. Apparently he knew he was getting a little too old for the job when the other board members shot down his idea for Air Jordan house slippers.

Race officials at the Daytona 500 say they won’t ban Confederate flags from the race but will offer a free trade for an American flag. Which confuses most people who are carrying the flags who say “You mean that one they use up north?”

Race officials at the Daytona 500 say they won’t ban Confederate flags from the race but will offer a free trade for an American flag. The good news is that if people really want to show they are proud residents of Florida they can always just carry around a few items off their pickup truck gun rack.

Brett Favre says he could still play in the NFL at age 45. Which is pretty much another way of saying he is looking for an invitation to the Raiders training camp.

Brett Favre says he could still play in the NFL at age 45. In other words, get ready for un-retirements number six, seven and eight.

Consumer Reports says that several new cars have been found to be burning too much oil. Although Chrysler says that is an intentional feature so the billowing white smoke lets the owners know when the engine has actually started.

A court says the NSA can resume its bulk collection of Americans’ phone records. To which the NSA is saying “We were supposed to stop that?”

A study says it is rare for Google users to scroll past the top five search results. Especially if they are specific enough about exactly what type of porn sites they are looking for.

A study says it is rare for Google users to scroll past the top five search results. Which shows most people are in a hurry to look things up and just don’t have time to look at the other 484,999,999 suggestions.

The FBI says it is willing to pay $4.2 Million for information leading to the arrest of several notorious hackers. They had more money set aside for the reward but it disappeared after it was put in the FBI Target credit card account.

The European Union says it will end all cellphone roaming charges in 2017. Except for Italians who are wandering aimlessly while talking on their cellphone and can still be hit with the additional fee for being a roamin’ Roman.

Gallup says that liberals and conservatives have different levels of trust in almost every key institution being measured by their polls. People were surprised. Americans of any political preference still have confidence in our institutions?

Jeb Bush has released 33 years worth of his tax returns. People were surprised. A member of the Bush family has felt the need to work for 33 years?

A GSA official has been sentenced to three months in jail for padding his expense account by $8,000. Members of Congress were angry. Doesn’t everyone know that padding an expense account by only $8,000 is the surest way to get caught?

Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie says his temper is the result of “controlled anger.” Just like his girth is a result of his “disciplined appetite.”

22 states are suing the EPA over water regulations. It will soon be 23 states as California is planning to join the lawsuit over water just as soon as they actually have any.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad news from the world of comedy. Which has nothing to do with this blog but I thought I would included it for the news value. Comedian Jack Carter has passed away at age 93. Anyone who watched TV in the 1960s and ‘70s was familiar with his appearances on variety, talk and game shows and several guest roles on TV series. He was known for his rapid fire delivery of one liners along with several impressions, and was admired by other comedians for his ability to handle hecklers. Or as I know them, “readers.” He was one of the early greats who inspired a lot of people to get into or at least enjoy comedy. So keep him in mind today when you decide it is time to make sure to send the love!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that 4 in 10 U.S. kids are exposed to violence. The other 6 are still waiting for their parents to get enough money to buy them a PlayStation 4.

A study says that 4 in 10 U.S. kids are exposed to violence. As opposed to back in the 1950s and ‘60s when every child was able to watch TV and get a daily dose of The Three Stooges.

A wedding was held in Japan that featured two robots. In the U.S., Republicans said the occasion was permissible because the robots had not declared themselves to be gay.

A study says that meditation can trigger anxiety and depression, especially at intensive meditation retreats. Mostly when the people realize they are paying a lot of money to be able to sit and just think for ten straight hours.

A study says that meditation can trigger anxiety and depression, especially at intensive meditation retreats. For one thing, you are probably asking for trouble if you sign up for an activity that combines the words “intensive” and “meditation.”

The Army is killing a program that sends social scientists onto the battlefield to help troops avoid unnecessary bloodshed. Although an easier way would be to put the social scientists into Congress and the White House to try to figure out why we are starting all these wars in the first place.

The Supreme Court has given North Carolina’s plans for a “Choose Life” license plate new hope. The only problem is that the plates might be mistaken instead of being anti-abortion as made for people who still remember the group “Wham!”

The Governor of Puerto Rico says the commonwealth can’t repay its $72 Billion in debts. The only question is who even thought it was a good idea to loan the island $72 Billion in the first place?

The Governor of Puerto Rico says the commonwealth can’t repay its $72 Billion in debts. Which is ironic in that for a commonwealth they sure don’t seem to have much common wealth.

A study says that one third of investors are wary of financial abuse of elderly relatives. Mostly because they are worried some Nigerian prince will scam the money out of their parents after they have been so patient and getting their money the traditional way by waiting for them to die sooner.

Stock markets around the world are closing early today so that they won’t be affected by the leap second that is being added because of the Earth’s rotation. And people thought that members of the UAW and Teamsters had tough unions that wouldn’t stand for working any extra time without pay.

A report says that incomes rose for the bottom 99% of American families at the highest rate in 15 years but income inequality still grew. At least the bottom 99% has achieved income equality with each of them still being as poor as everyone else.

Greeks are limiting bank customers to just $66 in ATM withdrawals a day to prevent a run on the banks. Americans were shocked. There are countries where people have $66 in their bank accounts?

A report says that U.S. job openings have hit an all time high. They won’t be filled, it’s just that management knows their other employees are too afraid to not do the work of those who have been laid off or they are next.

Wal-Mart is apologizing for making an ISIS cake after refusing to make one featuring the Confederate flag. ISIS birthday parties are the ones where they bring two knives, one for the cake and the other to cut off the heads of any infidels who were invited.

Wal-Mart is apologizing for making an ISIS cake after refusing to make one featuring the Confederate flag. ISIS cakes are easier to make since they can be made smaller as they never have to have room for more than about 20 candles.

AOL’s digital prophet says that Millennials are only interested in video and content and not ads. Although AOL having someone called a “digital prophet” sounds about as much of a waste of office space as someone at Chrysler being named chief of quality control.

Pending home sales in the U.S. are at the highest they have been in nine years. The only problem is that they are pending the buyers being able to get their credit score up after their last foreclosure.

Google will add alerts to their navigation system to warn drivers about upcoming railroad crossings. Which is ironic for people who can get a text alert about the train they are about to hit they had no idea was there because they were too busy texting.

A poll says U.S. investors prefer a mixture of financial advice from digital and human sources. Meaning they get investment ideas from the Internet and then do exactly the opposite of whatever Jim Cramer says.

A poll says U.S. investors prefer a mixture of financial advice from digital and human sources.  Which for most people means using the free Wi-Fi at the public library to get investment ideas and following up with the people working the ladle at the soup kitchen.

A report says that 95% of the restaurants in New York City are getting “A” grades on cleanliness. Apparently things have been improving ever since all the eateries started making Saturday bath day for all their basement rats.

A report says that 95% of the restaurants in New York City are getting “A” grades on cleanliness. Meaning after just a few meals there most customers’ wallets and credit accounts are completely cleaned out.

A study says that men become defensive when their masculinity is questioned. Apparently the study was done by having researchers watch a showing of the movie “Roadhouse.”

A study says that junk food is tied to depression. But not as much as the bathroom scale the person stands on after eating fast food every day for the past six months.

Health experts are warning that a new “belly button challenge” can promote an unhealthy body image. The challenge says people are fit if they can reach behind their back and touch their belly button. Which means people who can’t do it need to either lose weight or figure they were just born with short arms.

A study says that flavored cigarettes are still popular online despite a ban in the U.S. Topping the list are cigarettes that come in menthol cancer, vanilla emphysema and cardiac clove.

A report says that parents should set a good example for their children to prevent obesity. Which means kids not be allowed to play video games during dinner but walk over and sit at to the table with everyone else to eat their McNuggets and fries.

A study says how long a baby gazes at things may predict later hyperactivity. Especially when they can’t stop staring at the Oreos, Doritos and Twinkies in the snack drawer.

A study says that weight loss surgery may ease incontinence. Mostly from the patients no longer needing to drink three Big Gulps worth of Coke to wash down the four Big Mac combos they ate for lunch.

The USDA is proposing healthier foods for kids in daycare. Apparently they decided action needed to be taken when the labels of “choice,” “prime” and “select” were being used to describe the marbling of fat on the children.

Musician Bill Hudson has disowned his children Oliver and Kate, saying “They are dead to me.” In fact, he considers them even more dead than the career of the Hudson Brothers.

Mets rookie Steven Matz has had a deli sandwich named after him. It’s different than the other sandwich associated with the Mets, nothing between two pieces of toast.

An investigation says that $3 Million was transferred from Phil Mickelson to an illegal gambling operation. No one had any idea when Mickelson said he really admires Rose, it wasn’t Justin he was talking about but Pete.

AC/DC will join several several subscription streaming services. The band was concerned over what breaking up an album into individual tracks would have on listener experience. Other than maybe delaying the inevitable hearing loss for another few months.

AC/DC will join several several subscription streaming services. The band was concerned over what breaking up an album into individual tracks would have on listener experience. Other than people realizing that if you buy one AC/DC song you pretty much have their entire catalog.

A study says that Google alters search results to play up its own content. Mostly when people type in “glass” and Google is hoping that finally someone might be actually showing an interest in Google Glass.

Microsoft is teaming with Taylor Made to make a wearable golf tracker band. It’s for the health conscious golfer who wants a scoring summary and time of play, along with knowing just how much weight was gained from sitting in a golf cart all afternoon while downing three hot dogs and a six pack of beer.

Microsoft is teaming with Taylor Made to make a wearable golf tracker band. Apparently the engineers at Microsoft had another game in mind for the tracker but decided they could make more sales to golfers than people who played Quidditch.

A study says access to high speed fiber broadband can increase the value of a home by as much as 3%. Which is the same amount as access to an AOL capable phone line can increase the value of any double wide trailer.

Physicists claim the universe has a “ring” like the noise made from a crystal glass. Either that or they still have tinnitus from all the vuvuzelas at the last World Cup.

Physicists claim the universe has a “ring” like the noise made from a crystal glass. At least we can all be thankful that if there is any noise going on for 14 billion years it is crystal glass and not a car alarm, nails on a chalkboard or Gilbert Gottfried.

Researchers say that millions of silver coins were stored in the attic of the Parthenon in the 5th century. As opposed to present day where the Greek government may still have three Euros and a couple of bottles of Ouzo still hidden away in the Treasury.

President Obama is set to expand overtime pay for millions of workers. The only problem is that you only get overtime for more than 40 hours a week at one job, so it doesn’t count for the people working 75 hours a week at three jobs.

The White House says that Greece is not their problem. If they can’t figure out how to stay afloat with a debt of $1.73 Billion, they need to take a lesson from the masters who have been going on for years while in the hole for $17 Trillion.

Democrats in the House and Senate are pushing for statehood for Washington, D.C. Which is unpopular for most politicians, especially the ones who live in northern Virginia because if they are ever caught at least now it doesn’t involve crossing state lines.

Louisiana and Mississippi have begun issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples. Which is at odds with most people’s beliefs there that marriage should be between one man and his farm animals.

David Cassidy is selling his home as part of his bankruptcy proceedings. The sad part is that he is now forced to live in a psychedelic, refurbished 1974 school bus.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the last day of June. Half the year is gone. I have already made one accomplishment in the first half of the year, namely spending all the money that I make for the entire year. We should treat this like a half way New Year’s Day, meaning that everyone can start over with our resolutions. I would like to see everyone start off the second half of 2015 by making sure to remember to send the love!

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Supreme Court approved same sex marriage for all 50 states, to which Justice Antonin Scalia says the Court is a “threat to democracy.” He says this never would have happened back in the days of 2000 when the Court got to pick their own President.

Donald Trump has banned the staff of Univision from using his golf course in Miami over the network dropping his Miss Universe beauty pageant for his disparaging comments about Mexicans. Although he says they can get in a quick nine holes any time as long as it’s done while carrying hedge clippers or walking behind a lawnmower.

A poll says that 72% of Americans fear an economic crash, the highest ever. The other 28% don’t have anything to worry about since they are pretty much still trying to get through the meltdown that happened back in 2008.

A survey says that half of all Americans have delayed a major life event because of money worries. Mostly pushing any thoughts of retiring at age 65 back to somewhere around 93.

A study says that chimpanzees can tell right from wrong. Which explains how his guilt over not testifying against Michael Jackson drove Bubbles to spending the rest of his time at Neverland drinking all of Jackson’s Jesus Juice.

An Australian engineer has designed a robot that can build a house in two days. Although that still doesn’t beat the record of most bank loan officers who can still get through the foreclosing proceedings on the same home in less than 30 minutes.

An Australian engineer has designed a robot that can build a house in two days. Although it still can’t touch the record of putting up as many bricks over 48 minutes still held by LeBron James.

A study says that porn addiction is not real. At least as long as it is being done under the guise of gathering information for some kind of “study.”

McDonald’s says it will increase the size of its Quarter Pounder. It will be the first expansion associated with the restaurant’s menu other than what has been going on over the past 50 years with their customers’ waistlines.

The White House says it wants doctors to warn their patients about global warming. Mostly to take their minds off the fact that their annual check-up they are seeing the doctor about will not be covered by their Obamacare policy.

NASA is testing non-stick aircraft wing coatings to prevent accumulations of residue from insects. Also to make the wings slippery to prevent any more of those gremlins from hitching rides like that one on “The Twilight Zone.”

NASA is testing non-stick aircraft wing coatings to prevent accumulations of residue from insects. Now if the airlines would only do the same thing for their chicken sandwiches.

A report says that charitable giving in the U.S. reached a new high in 2014 of $358 Billion. Otherwise known as the combined salaries and perks of all the major corporate CEOs.

Fans of Alexander Hamilton say they are upset about him being replaced on the $10 Bill. None more than Larry King who says he hates to see any of his personal acquaintances demoted.

Fans of Alexander Hamilton say they are upset about him being replaced on the $10 Bill. For many people his picture brings back great memories, like the days when they actually had a ten dollar bill in their wallet.

AOL shareholders say they want a bigger payout than they are getting for the Verizon deal. Although they should be easy to negotiate with, as they can’t be that aware about stock values if they still own shares of AOL.

AOL shareholders say they want a bigger payout than they are getting for the Verizon deal. Some of them are drawing the line to get an equal value for their investment, like a straight across the board trade for the same amount of stock in Pets.com.

An analysis says that poor road conditions cost drivers an extra $515 a year in wear and repairs. Which you know means roads are getting really bad when that doesn’t even include the cost of getting your car towed out of a pothole.

A report says the roads in Washington, D.C. are the worst in the nation with 92% of them considered in poor shape. The other 8% of the roads are perfectly maintained so traffic can flow without any delays are the ones that go from the lobbyists' offices over to the Capitol Building.

Disney has banned selfie sticks from all of its theme parks. Apparently they don’t want to take away the tradition of park guests being asked every two minutes by a group of foreigners if they would mind taking their picture.

Disney has banned selfie sticks from all of its theme parks. Which is unfortunate for the people who will no longer have pictures to remind them of their trip since the cost of a Disney vacation means they can no longer afford to bring along the rest of the family.

Apple has changed its mind and will readmit some video games that feature the Confederate flag, including “Civil War: 1863.” Not to say that the people still playing a Civil War video game are old, but the only console that it can be used with is a Magnavox Odyssey.

Nutrition experts are hailing a federal decision to stop recommending restrictions of total fat consumption. Mostly because for many Americans, the fat they eat is so much more nutritious than the rest of their diet which is made up of sugar, salt and preservatives.

The CDC is warning of a pool parasite this summer. Which is different than the friends and relatives who are over to your house every day after finding out that you just had a pool put in your yard.

New technology will allow doctors to “walk” through people’s colons in a virtual colonoscopy. The only thing patients will need to do is make sure there is a welcome mat to they can wipe their shoes when they are done.

A report says that the brain is controlled mostly by the unconscious. Which has pretty much already been proven by anyone you have ever tried to have a conversation with while they have a smartphone in their hands.

Research says some OCD patients get relief through a removal of part of their brain. As opposed to people who like to watch C-SPAN congressional TV and find they only get relief through a complete frontal lobotomy.

A study says that antidepressants are linked to bone fractures in older women. Which is bad, especially when they are prescribed the medication because they are depressed about always breaking their bones.

A study says that only a third of people in the UK consider their diet healthy. The other two thirds figure it must be good because if they can eat a meal of haggis with no problems, there is nothing their body can’t handle.

Doctors extracted a five foot long hairball from a 15 year old girl in the UK. Apparently she made it through the procedure in good shape but for the next few days will be confined to her basket and litter box.

A study says that surgery may help teenagers with frequent migraine headaches. Which is ironic considering their parents have had to deal with one steady migraine since the day their kids reached their teens.

A picture of Kendall Jenner has become the most liked Instagram photo ever, beating out one of her step sister Kim Kardashian. Although the way to get it to have even more “likes” would be to caption one of their pictures as “This will be the last selfie I ever take.”

Tom Cruise is set to play Maverick again in a sequel to “Top Gun.” Only in this one he tries to avoid a Russian MiG that is firing on him while he is jumping up and down on a couch.

Tom Cruise is set to play Maverick again in a sequel to “Top Gun.” He is getting a little old to be believable as a fighter pilot so instead he rides around on his Rascal yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn.

Tom Cruise is set to play Maverick again in a sequel to “Top Gun.” Although since the cast is a little older, instead of the beach volleyball scene they wear their robes while getting in a couple of games of shuffleboard.

Kim Kardashian says she thought her career was over after her divorce. Millions of people were asking the same question. Just what is her career?

Kim Kardashian says she thought her career was over after her divorce. But all it actually did was make people become interested in seeing how long she could tough it out being married to Kanye West.

The NFL has posted an opening for a “Director of Investigations.” The position requires candidates to be familiar with social media and computers and applicants must have their own air pressure gauge.

Andong Song has become the first Chinese player drafted by the NHL. Which has a lot of people confused, saying “Isn’t Andong Song the name of the Asian guy in “Sixteen Candles”?

A study says that texts make people sound less intelligent and employable than the same information communicated verbally. Although nothing makes someone sound dumber than saying “OMG!,” “BRB” or “LOL.”

A study says the Apple Watch has some Millennials feeling guilty, worrying that it is an ostentatious symbol of wealth. Which shows how far our economy has fallen when young people think they have arrived when they acquire $300 of disposable income.

A study says that three quarters of American households making less than $30,000 a year are online. The reason they make less than $30,000 is because the rest of their income has gone to a Nigerian prince they met over the Internet.

A survey says that 73% of businesses are planning to switch over to Windows 10 within two years of its release. The other 37% will make the change just as soon as they finally are able to get their computers running on Windows Vista to boot up.

Pollster John Zogby says the recent Supreme Court decisions have made President Obama’s legacy equal to that of Ronald Reagan. All he needs to do now is star in a few low budget B movies and make a few commercials for 20 Mule Team Borax and he will seal the deal.

Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders says he will step up his outreach to minority voters. The first thing he will do is leave his home state of Vermont so for the first time he can actually see for himself what a minority voter looks like.

The Department of Education says it is backing off a plan to rate colleges and universities. Which really isn’t necessary since all most college applicants use anyway is the Princeton Review for top party schools.

The Department of Education says it is backing off a plan to rate colleges and universities. The rankings were to be based on a scale from 30 to 45 based on the number of years for each school it was estimated it will take graduates to pay off their tuition loans.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Supreme Court approved same sex marriages and Obamacare in the same week. Although no cameras are allowed in the court, for an idea of how Justice Antonin Scalia reacted just remember the face of Spencer Tracy the moment his daughter introduces him to her fiancee Sidney Poitier in “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner.” I don’t want to get into the politics of it, that’s reserved for the jokes. But from a comedy standpoint, you can’t buy stuff like this. The only thing that makes me happier when I sit down to crank out the jokes is when you all remember to send the love!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Supreme Court voted to strike down a challenge to Obamacare. The good news is that there will still be health care available for all the congressional Republicans whose heads just exploded.

The Supreme Court voted to strike down a challenge to Obamacare. Dissenting Justice Antonin Scalia says the decision showed that “words no longer have meaning.” To which everyone in Washington, D.C. says words are just there to throw off the people who think there is more to any issue than money.

Government officials say foreign hackers stole intimate personal details of government workers, including information about their sex partners, drug and alcohol abuse and gambling problems. The question is, why is the government hiring people with all those personal issues?

Government officials say foreign hackers stole intimate personal details of government workers, including information about their sex partners, drug and alcohol abuse and gambling problems. The first question is who puts all that information into their work file in the first place?

Government officials say foreign hackers stole intimate personal details of government workers, including information about their sex partners, drug and alcohol abuse and gambling problems. And that’s just from the election filing forms of all the members of Congress.

A survey says many businesses live in fear for their future in the digital age. Although it’s hard to believe the digital age is going to really change anything if after all these years AOL is still in business.

A report says that red eyes from a swimming pool are not caused by chlorine but instead urine. The report also means that people who are drunk don’t have red eyes from the alcohol, but from putting their heads a little too far in the toilet when they throw up all night.

British scientists say that experiments with humans and artificial blood could take place within two years. The good news is that if it works out, blood transfusions won’t need to be done at hospitals but more conveniently when you take the car in to Jiffy Lube.

Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak says one day humans will end up as robots’ pets. Which is not exactly a surprise considering we have already become slaves to our iPhones.

The auto industry has been enlisting ethicists and philosophers to determine how driverless cars should react in an accident, which means picking where the car could swerve and who would be hit. Although car makers don’t really need to feel guilty about anything since no one will survive any accident due to the faulty airbags they install.

The auto industry has been enlisting ethicists and philosophers to determine how driverless cars should react in an accident, which means picking where the car could swerve and who would be hit. The question is where were all the ethicists and philosophers when they started building cars that get recall notices every other week?

A smelly refrigerator at the University of Kentucky sent eleven people to the hospital. Apparently members of the fraternity that owned the refrigerator mistook several food expiration dates that said “8/16” meant they were good through August of 1916.

Patrick Macnee, who starred in the 1960s show “The Avengers” has died at age 93. The family says to whomever is responsible, there will be retribution.

Jimmy Carter says he hopes the play “Camp David” about the 1978 peace agreement will make it to Broadway. It’s the play that is filled with constant intermissions and has no real ending.

Data says that people who eat liquid foods like soup are more likely to have Apple phones while people who eat solid foods like pizza are more inclined to have an Android phone. Mostly because they spend so much time on their cellphones they can’t get a job that pays them enough to eat anything other than soup and pizza.

The U.S. issued a report on human rights, criticizing China for corruption and dealing with activists with repression and coercion. The reported ended with a hearty “Well done!”

A consumer agency has released thousands of complaints from disgruntled customers about banks, credit card companies and other financial institutions. The good news is that all of the complaints were made before 2008 when people still had enough money to have a bank account credit card and needed financial services.

Ford is showing off its latest wearables that lets people keep tabs on their car even when they are not in them. As opposed to people who own GM cars who know exactly what their car is doing, usually sitting on a rack at the dealership for the latest recall.

A report says that Americans’ spending in May jumped to its highest rate in the past six years. Most of the spending came on new vehicles, since the economy has improved to the point where people are making enough money to buy an even bigger car to live in.

A study says that mistakes made on memory and thinking tests may signal early warning signs of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the person was three hours late for the test because they wrote down the wrong address four different times.

A study says “fitness” labels on food may lead to people eating more and exercising less. At least until they see that someone has slapped a label saying “Wide Load” on the backside of their jeans.

A British bioethicist says men should freeze their sperm when they are 18 because of the risks attached with being an older father. Also because in this economy most men won’t be financially secure enough to start a family until they are in their 80s.

A study says that military veterans report only limited use of sunscreen protection while on duty. Mostly because of the mess, inconvenience and the lack of proof that anything even with an SPF of 45 has never been known to stop a bullet.

The U.S. has fallen in a survey of the world’s happiest countries, from 12th to 23rd. Mostly because 11 other oil producing countries jumped past us knowing that with the price of oil coming down they don’t have to be worried about a U.S. military invasion.

AT&T says that one in ten drivers are video chatting while behind the wheel while 61% are texting and 17% are taking selfies. People were shocked. They had no idea that many AT&T customers could be connected long enough to do any of that.

A study says that having more sex doesn’t necessarily make people any happier. Especially the ones who are caught by their wives.

Bristol Palin has announced she is pregnant again. She says she wants no sympathy. It’s too late for that. You have to feel sorry for anyone who has to go through life admitting that their mother is Sarah Palin.

Bristol Palin has announced she is pregnant again. It’s just unfortunate that no one explained that she is a bit to old to audition for “16 & Pregnant.”

Buckingham Palace needs some repairs which may force Queen Elizabeth II to move out for awhile. The worst part will be when Kate finds out why William insisted they move into a house with a mother-in-law suite built on the back.

The first openly gay professional pitcher will make a start in the minors. The only problem has been finding someone who will volunteer to be the catcher.

The CEO of Microsoft says he wants to help the world achieve more. Although the best way is to be picked as the chief executive of a company that has already been around for 40 years and is worth $460 billion.

The CEO of Microsoft says he wants to help the world achieve more. Which they will find is a lot easier once they get rid of their devices operated by Windows Vista.

45 newspapers have united to bring their readers uplifting, solutions-based news. The first solution they will work on is how to get people to start reading newspapers again so they can climb out of their mountain of debt.

NASA says it will use holographic glasses on the International Space Station. Mostly so they can pretend to be somewhere other than inside a tiny room orbiting 200 miles above the Earth along with several other socially awkward nerds.

Google search is already indicating that Hillary Clinton will be the next President. Apparently the algorithm was based on the number of attractive young women already applying in advance to be White House interns.

A survey says Americans worked an average of 7 hours and 45 minutes a day in 2014. Which really works out to 45 minutes when you take away the three hours of watching Internet porn and four hours spent looking at cat videos, taking selfies and texting friends with their cellphones.

McDonald’s says it is selling fewer sodas with its Happy Meals. Mostly because soft drinks just seem to leave an after taste that lingers a bit longer than usual when mixed in with the insulin injections.

Police in Pennsylvania used a fitness tracker to determine a woman was lying about a crime. Mostly because her alibi was she was out jogging but the police knew otherwise when they saw the wrist band was stained with bacon grease, pizza sauce and Haagen Dazs.

An analysis says that Netflix will show higher Nielsen ratings than any of the major networks. Which isn’t that impressive since their offerings of reruns of “Hogan’s Heroes” are already singlehandedly beating out NBC.

Apple is removing apps from video games that contain the Confederate flag. Apparently they don’t want young children to be distracted with the controversial emblem while they are chopping heads off zombies, stealing cars and blowing up buildings.

Startup companies are trying ways to automate hiring employees. Apparently the algorithm is programmed to detect which resumes are from people most likely to learn the quickest how to clean and repair the Slurpee Machine.

Alex Stamos, head of security for Yahoo is moving over to Facebook. In his years at Yahoo, there were no security breaches. Mostly because who would want to waste their time to find out what Yahoo is hiding?

Alex Stamos, head of security for Yahoo is moving over to Facebook. Which questions how good he is since he couldn’t even keep himself from being pilfered.

A survey says that 62% of Americans have lost sleep over at least one financial concern. Mostly worrying about the price of their prescriptions for all their sleep medications.

A survey says that 62% of Americans have lost sleep over at least one financial concern. The other 38% quit worrying back in the crash of 2008 when they lost their home, job and any hint of finances they still had left.

A proposed law gives Congress the right to define who is and isn’t a craft brewer. Which answers “yes” to the question that it really does take an act of Congress to get a decent glass of ale.

Bob Beckel has been fired from the Fox News Channel show “The Five.” Apparently budget freezes have caused them to cut back the show to just ”The Four.”

Bob Beckel has been fired from the Fox News Channel show “The Five.” Which is a coincidence that a show on Fox had the same name as the number of viewers who still watch CNN.

Chris Christie will reportedly announce his candidacy for President on June 30th. Apparently he is waiting because he feels campaigning really gets to be a grind if it lasts any longer than 17 months.

Members of Congress weighed in on who they think should be pictured on the $10 Bill. Many were going to select their favorite lobbyist but decided it would be better to wait until there is an opening for the bill they more closely associate them with. A stack of unmarked twenties.

Polls show that Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is gaining in popularity but is still mostly unknown to black voters. At least outside of the three black families who actually still live in Vermont.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is the last weekend in June. Which means absolutely nothing, but I have nothing else to talk about. What it does mean is that the year is about half over. The good news is that I have only half a year’s debt to still pile up before I start over. I always love it when people say “Can you believe it is July already?” To which I usually say “Yes I can. Because we are just getting done with June and before that was May, April, March, February and January, which gave us five months advance notice this was on the way.” Which is why I have no friends. Except for all of you, of which the only thing I ever ask is that once in awhile you remember to keep on sending the love!