Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The U.S. merchandise trade deficit with China reached a record $365 Billion in 2015. And that’s just from Wal-Mart closing down 154 of its store locations.

National Intelligence Chief James Clapper says the government may use the Internet of Things to spy on Americans. Although all they are going to find out is how many times anyone with a smart refrigerator is going to the kitchen for the latest round of snacks.

National Intelligence Chief James Clapper says the government may use the Internet of Things to spy on Americans. Although ironically, Clapper won’t be able to find out anything with anyone who runs their home with the pre-digital technology of a Clapper.

A study says that running boosts a person’s brain power. Which is easily disputable when you take in account of what is being said every day by all the candidates who are running for President.

A New Jersey man reportedly stabbed his neighbor to death over the loud chirping of his pet birds. The sad part is that the victim misunderstood his friends when they told him he needed to get involved in tweeting.

The world’s largest aircraft at more than 300 feet long is getting ready to take off. Apparently it was commissioned by the government to be the new Air Force One in case Chris Christie makes it to the White House.

A report says that rising prices in the San Francisco real estate market are very similar to what they were right before the ‘90s dot-com bust. Which could be deja vu for people who are invested in Twitter which may become known as the Millennials’ Pets.com.

The religious community Sisters of the Valley in Merced, California are worried a new law may stop them from growing marijuana in their garage for pot-laced health products. It could also cut into the demand for their corn tortilla, dip friendly communion wafers.

California farmers are reporting record sales in the middle of the record drought. Especially the ones who were faced with losing their entire crop of grapes but ended up making a fortune in the raisin industry.

The Mayor of Flint, Michigan says that $55 Million is needed to replace lead water pipes in the city. Or they could to with a cheaper alternative and take $2 Million to buy up every house at current market value so everyone can just move somewhere else.

Sex offenders are challenging a law requiring them to be identified on passports. They claim that can already be done by looking at anyone’s passport that is stamped with numerous trips to Thailand.

Two umpires have been banned from the International Tennis Federation over allegations of match fixing. The officials may have been working together which makes the blame on both of them a call of double fault.

A publishing company will return $14 Million in royalties for the song “Happy Birthday To You” after a court ruled the song is in the public domain. Which is bad news for Major League Baseball teams who have jacked up ticket prices by double over the years claiming the price increase is for the copyright on “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.”

The President of Egypt opened a housing complex for the poor in Cairo by walking down a two and a half mile long red carpet. The worst part of having a red carpet that visible is that every time it is rolled out Paris Hilton shows up to make an appearance.

The President of Egypt opened a housing complex for the poor in Cairo by walking down a two and a half mile long red carpet. Apparently he didn’t want to get mud on his shoes from walking around inside the homes on all the dirt floors.

A report says the number of Americans with health insurance is at its highest rate in the past 20 years. Which has led to record employment in the insurance industry with all the people who have been hired to help find reasons to deny all the new claims.

A report says the number of Americans with health insurance is at its highest rate in the past 20 years at 91%. The other 9% have to count on the discount they get in the medical aisle where they work at Wal-Mart, KMart and 7-Eleven.

Sears says it will be closing at least 50 unprofitable stores. Which brings up the question as to why they will be keeping any of their other stores open?

The White House is proposing $2 Billion to increase the number of apprenticeships in the U.S. Although most Americans are scared to death the White House could soon be the location of the next four seasons of “The Apprentice.”

Twitter has launched a new anti-troll cybersafety committee. The bad news is the committee is recommending the best way to get rid of online trolls would be to shut down Twitter.

A report says that U.S. airfares are the cheapest they have been since 2010. Which is right around the time that most airlines started charging enough in fees on every flight to make fares be classified under petty cash.

President Obama has sent Congress a record $4.1 Trillion spending plan for 2017. Mostly just so whomever wins the election in 2016 will have to start taking the heat for having a bigger budget deficit than ever happened under Obama.

Chipotle is giving away free burritos in an attempt to bring back customers in the wake of several outbreaks of illness at their restaurants. The only problem is that customers who got sick can still feel the last Chipotle burrito they ate is what keeps coming back.

President Obama is proposing a $3.1 Billion update of government computers to protect against cyberattacks. Mostly to finally find a way to prevent all those e-mails he keeps getting that are sent through the private server of Hillary Clinton.

To enhance cybersecurity, President Obama says he wants to retire outdated government systems. Which came as a real disappointment to people when they found out he wasn’t talking about the IRS.

A survey says that Alexandria, Virginia is the most romantic city in the U.S. Mostly because it is a popular place to watch those in love walking hand in hand along the Potomac River. And that’s just the members of Congress and their lobbyists.

A government report says that guns, car crashes and drug overdoses explain why Americans die younger than people in other countries. To which executives at Chipotle were saying “Whew!”

Residents of Flint, Michigan are being asked to boil even water that comes through filter systems. It’s getting so bad that when people request water at a restaurant they are asked if they want regular or unleaded.

A report says there were a record number of shark attacks around the world in 2015. The increase is being attributed to global warming making for sparse food supplies, more people taking to beaches for vacations and the increase in the number of recent graduates from law school.

A Fitbit tracker is being given credit for detecting a woman’s pregnancy. Apparently the technology figured out what was happening when the only activity she was ever doing was taking place in the bedroom.

Health experts say that primary care doctors should screen all teens for signs of depression. Mostly because the medical community knows the first sign of depression is pretty much being a teenager.

A study says that American teenagers are eating better. The bad news is that it doesn’t mean they are eating healthier, it just means that they aren’t spilling as much ice cream, french fries and hamburger toppings on their clothes.

Khloe Kardashian has signed up on dating service OkCupid after splitting with her boyfriend. The only problem is that her profile may scare away a lot of potential dates when they find out that if they marry her, their brother-in-law will be Kanye West.

Archie Comics is saying that Jughead Jones is asexual. Which was pretty much common knowledge for someone who was always around Betty and Veronica but only ever showed an interest in hanging around Moose and Miss Grundy.

Former “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson has signed a deal to write a children’s book about her daughter River Rose. The book revolves around the child making friends with a magical unicorn who is injured but brought back to health with the help of stable boy Justin Guarini.

Eli Manning explained his dour expression after his brother’s team made the winning touchdown in Super Bowl 50. Apparently he was still just trying to get over watching Coldplay’s entire set during the halftime show.

Cam Newton says he gave a short post game interview at the Super Bowl because he is a “sore loser.” Although at least he didn’t get sore from risking an injury that he could have gotten by say, diving into a pile to try to recover his fumble.

A federal agency says the Google self-driving car is its own driver. Apparently Google satisfied the requirements with a new advancement that actually allows the car to flip off other drivers.

The world’s largest solar plant has gone online in Morocco, serving 1.1 Million people. Although they wouldn’t need that energy in the first place if they would live in a country that isn’t located in the Sahara Desert.

The Telecommunications Act of 1996 is turning 20 years old. That cleared the way for cellphone service which allows people trying to get service from AT&T to be put on hold for the next 20.

The Telecommunications Act of 1996 is turning 20 years old. Which ironically will never be known by anyone born at the time it was passed unless it is mentioned it where they can see it on their cellphone screen on Twitter, Facebook or Snapchat.

Walgreens is installing medication disposal kiosks at 500 of its stores. The bad part is when customers hand the store pharmacist a prescription and they go over to the kiosk which has been renamed the “pharmaceutical recycling center.”

Walgreens is installing medication disposal kiosks at 500 of its stores. The only problem is when the store manager has to chase away all the stoners who gather out back to try and do some dumpster diving.

A study says that marijuana is much stronger now than it was in 1995. Which was pretty much proven when it was realized that the study actually started back in 1997.

A study says that marijuana is much stronger now than it was in 1995. Which finally explains the obesity epidemic that is now known to be caused by people who got stoned 20 years ago and still have the munchies.

Chris Christie says after his sixth place finish in the New Hampshire primary he will go back to New Jersey to take a deep breath. Which for most people taking a deep breath is usually the best time to want to get out of New Jersey.

Chris Christie says after his sixth place finish in the New Hampshire primary he will go back to New Jersey to take a deep breath. Which for Chris Christie, the only time he usually takes a deep breath is between courses while standing in the buffet line.

Jeb Bush is telling supporters his campaign “is not dead” and he is “going on to South Carolina.” The bad news is that when word got out he was heading to South Carolina, state police asked if that was going to require a funeral escort.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the New Hampshire primaries are over. The good news is that means two down, only 48 to go. The bad news is that just about all the candidates are still in the race. The really good news is at least from my perspective that there are 48 primaries and all the candidates which accounts for a good chunk of material on any given day. Almost every formula for joke writing is covered just by the candidacies of Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders. That makes my job easier. And my work is always more enjoyable on top of that when you all remember to take the time to make sure to send the love!

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Nielsen says that 111.9 Million people watched Super Bowl 50, the third most ever. That doesn’t even include the seven viewers who stuck around to watch Coldplay during the halftime show.

Nielsen says that 111.9 Million people watched Super Bowl 50, the third most ever. And out of all those people, Cam Newton was the only one who didn’t see that fumbled football right at his feet.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai received a record $199 Million stock bonus. News of the award was found by googling “ridiculous waste of corporate money.”


Google CEO Sundar Pichai received a record $199 Million stock bonus. Although that is nowhere near the money he was used to making when he was a character on "Pokemon."
 
A report says bank investors have suffered through two flat decades. As opposed to most investors who will need to work and save for another ten years just to try to get back to where they were before 2007.

A report says bank investors have suffered through two flat decades. Which is still a larger return than anyone who has actually had their investment money put away in a savings account.

A study says that a cat parasite can cause “psychotic distress” in people. The first symptom is having someone post videos of them online chasing a ball of yarn, getting their head stuck in a paper bag and walking across a piano.

An Alabama man wearing a clown costume was arrested for DUI. Although police let him go after he took the balloon he blew into for his breath test and made it into a horsey.

An Alabama man wearing a clown costume was arrested for DUI. There was no report on what happened with the other 19 people riding in his miniature sized car.

A Royal Caribbean cruise ship that was rocked by hurricane force winds was forced to turn around and go back to its home port in New Jersey. The good news is the passengers decided not to mutiny even though heading back to New Jersey violated twelve different sections of Maritime Law.

A Royal Caribbean cruise ship that was rocked by hurricane force winds was forced to turn around and go back to its home port in New Jersey. The bad part is that passengers actually lowered the lifeboats and figured they would be better off taking their chances with the storm.

Political pundits say Bernie Sanders appears to be out of his comfort zone when asked questions about foreign policy. Mostly because the only foreign policy issue he has ever been faced with in Vermont is about how much maple syrup to allow in from Canada.

The San Francisco Federal Reserve says that seven years of economic recovery doesn’t mean another recession is likely. To which most people are saying it’s news to them that we actually got out of the last recession.

The price of gasoline is nearing $1 a gallon in some parts of the country. The good news is that it leaves customers at the pump with enough cash to put a couple of dollars in the hat being held out for donations by the former oil company executives.

President Obama says that Wi-Fi connectivity at the White House is spotty. Which is really annoying when he has to get his Secret Service agents to drive him over to Starbucks just so he can post photoshopped pictures of Mitch McConnell on Facebook.

A report says that the Facebook app drains as much as 15% of an iPhone battery every day. The other 85% is used up by people going on Facebook to post pictures of every meal they have eaten that day.

A report says billing rates at elite law firms have reached $1,500 a hour. Which makes for the unusual defense strategy in suspects pleading not guilty to bank robbery because they needed the money to pay for their defense team.

A report says billing rates at elite law firms have reached $1,500 a hour. Which makes a tough decision for judges who have to take into consideration that the defense lawyers are guilty of pilfering more money than their clients.

A report says billing rates at elite law firms have reached $1,500 a hour. Who do they think they are, some sort of Starbucks barista?

In the wake of recent outbreaks at Chipotle restaurants, workers are being urged to stay home if they are sick. And customers are being urged to stay away if they are well.

Honda is recalling 45,000 Civics because the engines can stall while being driven. Or as Chrysler calls that, a standard feature.

A paper calls for the U.S. doing away with the $100 bill claiming it facilitates crime, terrorism and corruption. Although Wall Street executives are besides themselves at the prospect, wondering what they will use instead to light their Cuban cigars.

A paper calls for the U.S. doing away with the $100 bill claiming it facilitates crime, terrorism and corruption. Many Americans were shocked at the report. There is such a thing as a $100 bill?

A new government enforcement office has been formed to protect students from accumulating hefty tuition debt without getting a degree that will get them a good job. Otherwise known as registering in the Alabama state college system.

Twitter stock has fallen to an all time low. Which is no big deal for Twitter users since they don’t have any money to actually invest since they spend their entire day staring at their cellphone screen to send out all their tweets.

IKEA is removing window blinds that have cords that are hazardous to children. The only bigger household threat to children is being hit by a tool thrown by their dad in anger after spending five hours trying to assemble an IKEA corner grouping.

Chipotle restaurants closed for a few hours Monday during lunch for a food safety staff meeting. They had to close so the employees could go get lunch somewhere else to make sure they weren’t sick for the meeting.

A state panel is set to investigate why gasoline prices usually run higher in California. Once they are done, they can move on to why prices in the state are higher for real estate, food, utilities, water, medical care, insurance...

A state panel is set to investigate why gasoline prices usually run higher in California. Although it’s not that the price is any higher, it’s just that people spend more after burning up a tank of gas every day sitting in traffic for four hours during their commute.

A poll says that worry and stress are up in Chinese adults. Mostly from the fear that their job is going to be taken over by either the robot they are assembling or some ten year old who just reached the mandatory retirement age at Nike.

Scientists say they may have discovered a potential treatment for jet lag. It has something to do with flying United and being fully rested after taking enough Ambien to be knocked out for the entire three days it takes to arrive at the final destination.

Scientists say portraits of an older Michelangelo show he may have had arthritis. Mostly by the presence of all the bottles of Bayer, Bufferin and Tylenol that can be seen sitting on the table in the background.

Scientists have been studying the way pancakes cook as a way to study how glaucoma works. The way they came up with the idea was by working with glaucoma patients who get relief through smoking marijuana and keep asking to make another trip to IHOP.

A study says that concussions may lead to an increase in the risk of suicide. Mostly for the scientists who continually bang their heads against the wall and suffer depression from having to spend their entire lives putting together studies about concussions.

A study says that 61% of Americans gain extra weight while on vacation. The other 39% were surprised, saying “There are people who can afford to take vacations?”

A study says that 61% of Americans gain extra weight while on vacation. Which will no doubt lead to airline passengers being weighed before flying so they can hit them with an additional weight fee for the return trip.

Monica Lewinsky is planning to help fight cyberbullying with a new app. Apparently the app has saved her from cyberbullying by blocking all the threatening phone calls, texts and e-mails she still gets from Hillary Clinton.

David Bowie and Beyonce both reportedly told Coldplay they hated their music. Which can mean only one thing. Pretty soon we will be hearing about a collaboration on a concert tour collaboration featuring Coldplay and Justin Bieber.

A report says this year’s Oscars gift bag will contain a record $200,000 worth of swag. $190,000 of which will be for the bag itself after the Academy stamps it with a Louis Vuitton logo.

Tiger Woods’ caddy Joe LaCava says he has turned down offers to carry for other golfers while he waits for Tiger to return to the PGA Tour. To which Elin Nordegren is telling him if she had done that she would still be standing in her front yard at Isleworth with a 9 iron in her hand waiting for that SUV to come back down the driveway.

Peyton Manning says that Cam Newton was “extremely humble” in defeat after the Super Bowl. Although some people think he was misquoted and actually said he was “afraid of fumbles.”

Johnny Manziel’s ex-girlfriend says she told a parking valet that she was “afraid for her life.” Although that actually had to do with the look he gave her after she only tipped him 50 cents to get Manziel’s car.

Johnny Manziel’s ex-girlfriend says she told a parking valet that she was “afraid for her life.” Although it had nothing to do with Manziel, it was because the car she was driving was a rental Kia.

Marshawn Lynch’s agent says the Seattle Seahawks running back is retiring at age 29. How bad is it that he has to have his agent even announce his retirement because he’s afraid of saying it himself and being fined again.

Federal safety investigators say that Fiat Chrysler gear shifters are confusing to drivers. Mostly when they put the car into drive and it actually starts moving forward.

Hyundai’s “First Date” commercial was picked as the top ad being played during the Super Bowl. Mostly for trying to sell the concept that someone driving a Hyundai could actually get someone to go out with them.

A report says that Super Bowl 50 generated a record amount of data during the game. Mostly people who were texting, tweeting or playing video games so they had something else to do instead of actually watching the Coldplay halftime performance.

A group is pushing IBM supercomputer Watson to run for President. The only problem is that since it was built in 2006 it won’t be constitutionally eligible to run until the 2044 election.

A group is pushing IBM supercomputer Watson to run for President. Although opponents are already asking for proof of where it was made because of rumors that it may not be a natural born citizen since many of its components were made in China.

Bill Clinton is stumping for Hillary, saying sometimes he “wishes they weren’t married” so he could say what he really thinks. Of course, what he really thinks is that he wishes he wasn’t married to Hillary.

Bill Clinton is stumping for Hillary, saying sometimes he “wishes they weren’t married” so he could say what he really thinks. People were surprised at the admission. The Clintons are still married?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I would like to thank you for again checking out my blog. If nothing else, it is certainly a lot more entertaining than the time you wasted watching Coldplay at the Super Bowl. Or the Super Bowl. The good news is that I always enjoy the Super Bowl because it means the end of football season, which means warmer weather is eventually going to come back and that we aren’t that far from Spring Training. Then the world is good again. Of course, the world is always good when you all remember to take the time to make sure to send the love!

Sunday, February 07, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Neuroscientists are on a quest to preserve a human brain for 100 years for future revival. The only problem will be when it is reanimated having to listen to it talk about what things were like in the old days.

Neuroscientists are on a quest to preserve a human brain for 100 years for future revival. Which is already done pretty much every day by Larry King’s alarm clock.

A report says talking high tech sex dolls can be given any personality to be the perfect lover. Which for most men means the doll will arrive bringing pizza, will be able to recite all the Super Bowl winning teams and changes the oil in their car before going home.

Tech stocks have already lost $529 Billion of investment money in 2016. The only people who have lost more money on tech are the people who wasted their cash buying a smartwatch, Fitbit and Google Glass.

The unemployment rate dropped to 4.9% in January, which the Federal Reserve is calling full employment. Which for most Americans means there is enough work available to have three part time minimum wage jobs in order to make ends meet.

Supporters of Bernie Sanders have been kicked off Tinder for campaigning on the dating app. Although it has given middle aged men new hope in thinking they may have a chance with the women who are drawn to a short, balding 74 year old.

An investigation has been launched into a nude photo scandal at a Pennsylvania middle school. Apparently the school is in Amish country where the kids finally were allowed to use smartphones and find out what everyone else has been doing for years.

An investigation has been launched into a nude photo scandal at a Pennsylvania middle school. Remember when “picture day” at school meant you actually had to decide on an outfit to wear for the photo?

A report says Millennials are starting to dye their hair gray to look more mature. The only question is why would anyone want to think they are 20 years older than their actual age and still working at a Papa John’s?

A report says Millennials are starting to dye their hair gray to look more mature. As opposed to their parents whose hair turned gray because they have Millennial kids who won’t move out of the basement.

Argentina is holding its annual Aliens Festival for South Americans who believe in extraterrestrials. Which is different from the aliens festival that is held in Central America where everyone just tries to crash their way across the U.S. border at the same time.

North Korea has moved up the date of their proposed rocket launch from a window of February 8-25 to February 7-14. The question is who is running the launch, the local cable company?

A former vice president of Harman International has been charged with insider trading. Other executives were shocked at the news. If he needed more money, why didn’t he just do it like other front office workers and just reward themselves with a raise, stock options and bigger bonuses?

“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch has been transferred to an adult jail where he is being kept away from other inmates. Which was a disappointment in that he has always thought solitary confinement at an adult institution meant his own room at a Marriott.

Orange County, California saw a record 47.3 Million visitors last year. Not only that, but as many as 5.2 Million of those visitors were actually in the country legally.

Orange County, California saw a record 47.3 Million visitors last year. And those were just the people in line to ride the Matterhorn.

A study says that Tom Brady was actually the NFL’s most “valuable” quarterback, generating $92.9 Million in total revenue for the Patriots. And that isn’t even factoring inflation.

A study says that Tom Brady was actually the NFL’s most “valuable” quarterback, generating $92.9 Million in total revenue for the Patriots. And that was just from putting Giselle Bundchen on the cover of the team’s souvenir programs.

A report says that Sweden’s use of apps and credit cards has left only 2% of the economy run by cash. Which is slightly different than the U.S. which is also run by 2% cash, mostly because 98% of Americans haven’t actually had any cash since 2007.

Former Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has endorsed Marco Rubio for President. Rubio thanked him for his support, and more importantly for the five extra votes his campaign will pick up because of it.

Mars, Inc. says it will phase out artificial colors form all its candy. That way people eating M&Ms, Milky Way and Snickers will be much healthier by consuming just the other ingredients of chocolate, sugar and fat.

Google’s Go playing program will challenge the game’s world champion to a match. While computers have made tremendous progress in playing games, Watson is still getting his backside handed to him by five year olds when it comes to playing Jacks.

The percentage of Americans looking for work went up three times in the past four months. There was also an increase in the number of people looking for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, under their pillow from the Tooth Fairy and any discarded winning lottery tickets in the trash dumpster at the 7-Eleven.

The percentage of Americans looking for work went up three times in the past four months. The other month was December when everyone was hoping they would make it through with the winning lottery ticket they asked from Santa Claus.

President Obama is taking credit for the economic improvement including a drop in unemployment. Although the economy will never really get any better until something is done about the 100% employment rate for all the seats in Congress.

105 former NHL players are bringing a class action suit against the league over damage from concussions. The league is relieved knowing they can handle that cost a lot better than if they had instead filed a suit demanding payment for long term dental care.

A study says that sleeping too much or not enough may lead to excessive weight gain for pregnant women. Well, that sure narrows it down.

A study says that emotional distress and substance abuse is tied to weapons use in teens. And the best way to prevent all three is to not raise your child in Florida.

The CDC says three million women are at risk of exposing their babies to alcohol because they are drinking, having sex and not using birth control. Or as that is known in Mississippi, a pretty good Saturday night.

The NTSB is recommending states drop the legal Blood Alcohol Level to .05% or lower. Which could be a problem in Hollywood as most celebrities can’t blow that low even when they are going through the checkout at rehab.

A study says that when dieters are exposed to negative messages about food they crave it more. Which is no surprise since that is probably the reason they are having to be on a diet in the first place.

A study says that the Body Mass Index mislabels 54 Million Americans as overweight or obese. Apparently those people should instead be just considered fat, outsized or overfed.

Carnival Cruise lines is one of several travel companies allowing employees to change their schedules to avoid working in areas affected by the outbreak of the Zika virus. Mostly because working on a Carnival ship only exposes workers to norovirus, salmonella and gonorrhea.

Johnny Manziel’s father says he is worried his son will die if he doesn’t get any help for his behavior. The only quarterback whose life is in more immediate danger than Manziel  is whomever takes the snaps behind the Detroit Lions offensive line.

“Teen Mom OG” cast member Amber Portwood says after finding out about her fiancee’s seven secret children that “people make mistakes.” Which is pretty much how the entire cast of “Teen Mom OG” got their careers going in the first place.

“Teen Mom OG” cast member Amber Portwood says after finding out about her fiancee’s seven secret children that “people make mistakes.” Now all she has to do is hope he is just as forgiving about her getting pregnant at 16, serving jail time for drug abuse, and being arrested for domestic violence.

Solange Knowles lost her wedding ring during a Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans. The amazing part was that it didn’t happen while she was punching out Jay-Z.

A poll says the New England Patriots is the least favorite football team in the NFL. The favorite team is whomever Johnny Manziel is quarterbacking against.

A poll says the New England Patriots is the least favorite football team in the NFL. Which is ironic in that the results were the one thing that was actually inflated because of Tom Brady.

Roger Goodell says that a London franchise for the NFL is a “realistic possibility.” Although no one is holding their breath since that is the same chances the league is quoting for the Detroit Lions to be in next year’s Super Bowl.

Johnny Manziel’s agent dropped him after the latest allegations of domestic abuse. Apparently his agent is worried about having to serve 15% of a 5-10 year prison sentence.

Johnny Manziel’s agent dropped him after the latest allegations of domestic abuse. Although before he quit he did have the presence of mind to file for a copyright on the terms “Johnny Inmate,” “Johnny Convict” and “Johnny Jailbird.”

A golf club swinging robot made a hole-in-one at the Phoenix Open. Although on the downside it had to buy a round of 3-In-One oil for all the other robots in the clubhouse bar.

A golf club swinging robot made a hole-in-one at the Phoenix Open. What did anyone expect from a machine that can only communicate using 1s and 0s?

Apollo Astronaut Edgar Mitchell has died at age 85. He was the 6th man to set foot on the Moon. He is the 5th Moonwalker who has passed away. 6 if you count Michael Jackson.

Twitter has shut down 125,000 accounts they say are related to terrorism. Mostly the ones Donald Trump is using to tweet about Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio.

A study says that the bad behavior of Henry VIII may have been caused by brain injury. Apparently historians forgot about the six years he put in as a defensive back in the NFL.

A Quicken Loans ad claims that it can arrange a mortgage loan in just eight minutes. Which is nothing compared to the three and a half minutes it will take just three months later to process the foreclosure.

The GOP candidates used a video to share their pre-debate rituals. Which for Donald Trump is mostly going through the list of insulting names he will use for each of his opponents.

The GOP candidates used a video to share their pre-debate rituals. Which for Jeb Bush is mostly making sure the people in charge of the debate know that he is still running.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This month marks the 40th anniversary of one of the great albums in rock history, the debut LP of The Ramones. To which anyone who is under 40 and reading this is asking “What is an album and LP?” The Ramones were one of the great American bands who basically set off the Punk Rock revolution and have influenced many musicians who have come along since then. They were known for their high energy songs that were short in length but long on playability. It’s sad to think that three of the founding members are now gone, but their music will always live on. So will their performance in the classic cult film “Rock and Roll High School.” If you have never seen it, I would highly suggest you find it somewhere on line and give it a look. It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, if for nothing else than the line “This is the big time, girlie. This is Rock and Roll.” What better way than that to describe The Ramones? Give a thought today to Johnny, Joey, Marky and Dee Dee when you take the time to remember to send the love!

Friday, February 05, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

NATO says that Russia practiced nuclear strikes against Sweden in 2013. Apparently that’s what happens when Vladimir Putin ends up spending an entire weekend trying to put together a living room sectional from IKEA.

McDonald’s kale salad reportedly has more calories than a Big Mac. Mostly from all the fat and sugar they have to put on the kale to get anyone at McDonald’s to try it.

McDonald’s kale salad reportedly has more calories than a Big Mac. Until now, most McDonald’s customers thought a dinner salad was the lettuce and pickles that came with a Big Mac.

A report says that U.S. layoffs have surged to a six month high. Most the planned layoffs come from Wal-Mart closings, which won’t be that much of a nuisance for the workers who will lose their jobs since most of them are already on public assistance.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will require teams to interview women for all executive positions. Although some people think he isn’t really trying to encourage women applicants, especially since Ray Rice was hired as the NFL Headquarters elevator operator.

A study says the average American will spend 43 days of their life on hold. Which explains why the suicide rate continues to climb by making people listen to six weeks’ worth of Air Supply, the Bee Gees and ABBA.

A mysterious cat urine odor is perplexing people in a New York village. Apparently the smell is only detectable when the wind is blowing out of New Jersey.

A pollster has warned the University of Iowa that its public standing was suffering from its image as a party school. Because what high school student who wants to have a good time in their college experience doesn’t put Iowa at the top of their list?

A pollster has warned the University of Iowa that its public standing was suffering from its image as a party school. Although the only parties that have recently damaged the reputation of Iowa are the two that recently held caucuses there.

An Italian man is suing his wife for not cleaning and cooking enough. The bad news for the man is that the case is being turned over to the jurisdiction of Judge Judy.

An Italian man is suing his wife for not cleaning and cooking enough. A codefendant has been named as the company that made the apron his wife bought that says “I Hate Housework.”

Ohio lawmakers are considering a bill that would regulate the cost of prescription drugs. Apparently it would limit pharmaceutical companies from raising the prices of life saving drugs overnight to only 4,000%.

Hasbro and Mattel are reportedly considering a merger. The only problem is the proposed new name for the company would be Haz-Mat.

Hasbro and Mattel are reportedly considering a merger. The word of the deal got out when Barbie was seen on an intimate dinner date with Chewbacca.

Honda is recalling 2.2 Million vehicles because of new reports of faulty Takata airbags. Or as 2.2 Million recalls is known to GM, a pretty good Tuesday.

President Obama says he wants a $10 a barrel tax on oil to fund clean transportation. Meaning any sort of vehicles that don’t run on oil.

President Obama says he wants a $10 a barrel tax on oil to fund clean transportation. Which could bump the price of oil all the way to $10.50 a barrel.

An economist says that the new CDC guidance on drinking and pregnancy is “crazy.”
And who knows crazy more than someone in the field that brought us Reaganomics, the mortgage crisis and an $18 Trillion deficit?

Facebook has turned 12 years old. Which makes it just old enough to get into some real trouble by opening its own page on Myspace.

Playboy has launched its first non-nude issue. Which in the age of Internet porn is expected to sell about as many copies as its most recent fully nude issues.

Playboy has launched its first non-nude issue. Which could soon be followed by a non-news issue of Time, a fashion-less Cosmopolitan and a special issue of Sports Illustrated dedicated to billiards, equestrian and bowling.

A report says a historic, rusting ocean liner could be restored to its luxury past. Of course, people who like the idea of sailing on a historic, rusting ship still have the option to booking a cruise with Carnival.

The Department of Homeland Security is combing the Bay Area looking for unlicensed merchandise being sold before the Super Bowl. Because if they can’t seem to ever catch any terrorists, at least we should feel safe knowing that the NFL will be able to collect full royalties on all the jerseys that will be seen in the stands during the game.

The Department of Homeland Security is combing the Bay Area looking for unlicensed merchandise being sold before the Super Bowl. Which is bad news for the fans who don’t have more than $20 to pay for a jersey for the Brancos or the Ponthers.

A lottery winner in Iowa is suing the lottery company claiming his jackpot should have been higher because of other drawings that were fixed. Which shows that even lottery winners know the way to really strike it rich in America. Win a lawsuit against a major corporation.

A study says there is a high rate of alcoholism, depression and anxiety among U.S. attorneys. Just think how bad it would be if any of their cases actually ended up in front of Judge Judy.

A study says there is a high rate of alcoholism, depression and anxiety among U.S. attorneys. Which finally explains a lot of the decisions handed down by the Supreme Court.

A study says there is a high rate of alcoholism, depression and anxiety among U.S. attorneys. Which is then passed along to all their clients when it comes time to send out their monthly billing.

A study says that eating small bits of chocolate during pregnancy may be good for both mom and baby. And it will also be healthy for dads who are smart enough to know to stay away from mom’s stash.

A study says that daily text messages from the doctor’s office increase the chances that patients will take their prescription drugs. Just like a daily text message from Kate Upton are the best way to insure that patients will remember to take their Viagra.

A study says that whether people are early birds or night owls is determined by their genes. And whether or not they think it’s worth the risk of being locked out trying to sneak into the house at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says that ADHD may be tied to obesity in girls. Especially the ones who lose focus and forget the reason there is only one doughnut left in the box is because they have already eaten the other eleven.

A study says that men are less likely to yawn contagiously than women. Unless they sit down and actually try to read the entire study.

A study says that men are less likely to yawn contagiously than women. Mostly because the reason the women are yawning is from having to listen to a man talk endlessly all night about himself.

Earth, Wind & Fire founding member Maurice White has died at age 74. Although after he died it was just narrowed down to Earth & Fire with his options of being buried or cremated.

CBS has turned down an ad for strip club Scores during the Super Bowl. Apparently the ad was too racy, didn’t meet the standards of the NFL and if men want to watch naked women parading around they can always just watch the game’s beer commercials.

CBS has turned down an ad for strip club Scores during the Super Bowl, because they don’t meet the standards of the NFL. Which is against the idea of scantily clad women unless they are being assaulted in an elevator by a player.

Former quarterback Joe Montana says his injuries have made it so he can’t really run anymore. Which means that even at age 59 he is still in mid-season form.

Johnny Manziel’s ex-girlfriend says he hit her while they were in a car. Unfortunately he has gone from being a Cleveland Brown to more of a Chris Brown.

A report says that 14 professional sports teams are now owned by techies. Which apparently is tied in with a deep seated desire for revenge for the time they spent in school doing jocks’ homework to keep from walking around with a permanent wedgie.

An ancient Greek headstone has an image that some people says resembles a laptop computer. Which shows that even the ancient Greeks knew that sitting in front of a computer all day would eventually send people to an early grave.

A report says IT spending around the world will top $2.8 Trillion by 2019. Most of that will come in the form of keeping the company break room stocked with a full supply of Cheetos. Pop-Tarts and Mountain Dew.

A report says technology may mean the end of side mirrors on cars. Mostly because who needs to use mirrors anymore when you can just use your smartphone to take all kinds of selfies to see how good you look?

Facebook says that every person in the world is now separated by only three and a half degrees. Mostly because Facebook has allowed us to call up to 5,000 complete strangers our “friends.”

Facebook says that every person in the world is now separated by only three and a half degrees. Which means that we are still two and a half degrees closer to some Pakistani working in a rice paddy than we are to Kevin Bacon.

A report says that Facebook has cost businesses $3.5 Trillion in lost productivity. Which means everyone would come out way ahead if companies just gave Mark Zuckerberg $50 Billion so he can be the richest person in the world and just shut down the site.

A survey says that 92% of students prefer paper books over e-books. The other 8% were asking “What’s a ‘book’?”

A survey says that 92% of students prefer paper books over e-books. Apparently the glare and lower resolution just don’t make for the same quality pictures to look at on a Kindle.

A student at Emerson College in Boston is in hot water for renting out his dorm room on Airbnb. Apparently it was discovered when complaints came in about the loud dubstep music next door, some guy constantly playing guitar in the lounge and the huge pile of empty Red Bull cans in the corner.

The FAA has banned drones within 32 miles of the Super Bowl this Sunday. Now all they need to do is ban fans from holding up signs, body paints and the Wave.

George W. Bush is appearing in an ad backing his brother Jeb. Apparently the message is that Jeb has got to do a better job than his brother.

Republican candidates are vying for Rand Paul’s supporters now that he has dropped out of the presidential race. It could end up being a tough fight to corral all seven of those votes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Super Bowl is this weekend. Just thought I would let you know in case you hadn’t heard anything about it yet. Although the Broncos and Panthers isn’t exactly the match that network and league officials were hoping would be on the marquee at the end of the season. I’m sure I will watch the game if for no other reason to see if the referee can do a better job with the coin toss than they did during the Packers and Cardinals game. I hope you enjoy the game and eat a lot of pizza and drink a lot of beer if for no other reason than to feel too bloated and drunk to have to pay attention during Coldplay’s set in the halftime show. In the meantime, I hope you are able to set aside a few minutes over the weekend to remember to make sure to send the love!

Thursday, February 04, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Japan has put its military on alert to shoot down any North Korean missile launches that threaten its territory. So far they have deployed several soldiers armed with tennis rackets, potato guns and sling shots.

The White House is rallying people in earthquake prone areas to prepare for a major event. Especially if during a campaign stop out west Chris Christie falls off the platform.

Google will expand its self-driving car testing to Washington State. Apparently they want to put them through the toughest driving conditions in the nation, where the cars are expected to stop every other block at each coffee shop they pass.

Microsoft says that future NFL games could be played out with holograms on coffee tables. The only problem will be when a receiver has to alter their route to avoid an ashtray, unfinished muffin and crumpled beer can.

A study says that brain scans could catch depression in people before it starts. Especially when the scan is done immediately after the patient is handed their bill for the cost of the testing.

Germany is considering putting a $5,450 limit on cash transactions. The U.S. may consider such measures just as soon as Americans are able to get their hands on another $5,400.

A 99 Million year old spider fossil was found still with an erection. And most men think it’s an emergency that required calling the doctor when their Levitra works for more than four hours.

A 99 Million year old spider fossil was found still with an erection. There hasn’t been a fossil that old found with an erection since Bob Dole signed on to endorse Viagra.

New warehouse robots reportedly boost productivity by 800% over humans. Which means they can actually work more than ten minutes without taking a break and handle more than 20 tasks in a single day.

New warehouse robots reportedly boost productivity by 800% over humans. And that’s just in the money saved by the company in providing free doughnuts to their workers.

Iraq is reportedly building a wall and trench around Baghdad. The worst part is they are doing it to keep out undocumented immigrants from Mexico.

Iraq is reportedly building a wall and trench around Baghdad. The only question is whether they are trying to keep people inside the city or out.

Iraq is reportedly building a wall and trench around Baghdad. The sad part is that if U.S. troops had done that in 2003 there might not even have been a war.

Rand Paul has ended his campaign for President. Apparently he was at least hoping his run would last long enough to get him out of New Hampshire and campaign for at least a couple of weeks when the primaries move to Florida.

Donald Trump says that Ted Cruz stole the Iowa Caucuses. Which is interesting how when candidates lie themselves it is called their vision of the future, but when the other candidates lie it is called fraud.

Donald Trump says that Ted Cruz stole the Iowa Caucuses. Apparently Trump feels that primaries should be won the old fashioned way, based on who spends the most money.

Doctors say the late Raiders quarterback Ken Stabler had CTE. The only way he could have suffered more concussions was if he were to attend any Raiders games wearing a Broncos jersey.

Thousands of people were out protesting the educational system in Hungary that is now putting more emphasis on testing students. At least we now know who bought up all those discarded manuals about how to implement No Child Left Behind ended up.

Next Tuesday is Safer Internet Day. That is the day where men try a little harder to keep their wives from discovering what they are looking at and who they are chatting with online.

Ben & Jerry’s is launching a new vegan ice cream line. Which completely takes away the whole point of there even being a Ben & Jerry’s.

Jeb Bush gave a campaign speech in New Hampshire where he had to ask the audience to applaud when he was done. Apparently the audience was ready to applaud but they were waiting for the part where he says he is dropping out of the race.

A California man is suing McDonald’s for using mock mozzarella in their cheese sticks. If he thinks that is worthy of legal action, just wait until he orders a McRib Sandwich.

A California man is suing McDonald’s for using mock mozzarella in their cheese sticks. The worst part was when he was sickened by mock salmonella.

A study says that Super Bowl 50 will be the most expensive sporting event in history, with ticket prices averaging $5,000. Although it is still cheaper than tickets for a regular season game at Yankee Stadium if you also factor in the cost of a hot dog and beer.

A study says that Super Bowl 50 will be the most expensive sporting event in history, with ticket prices averaging $5,000. That’s just a fraction of the total cost considering the price of air fare, hotels and medical bills for the STDs caught the week before the game.

Lawmakers are proposing a bill that would privatize Air Traffic Control. Because what could possibly go wrong with having the job of directing a pilot to land a planeload of passengers in bad weather done by someone making $7.25 an hour with no benefits who has to take a break every three hours to check in with their parole officer?

Lawmakers are proposing a bill that would privatize Air Traffic Control. Which would save taxpayers money in having tower workers bring their own air mattresses in to work for the three hours of nap time they take every shift.

Florida Governor Rick Scott has declared an emergency in counties where nine cases of Zika have been confirmed. Which is an unusual call in a state where there were at least that many people injured by gunfire just during lunch.

Freshmen students at Oral Roberts University in Oklahoma are being required to wear Fitbit monitors which could affect their grades. Students are expected to walk at least 10,000 steps each day. Which will change the ‘60s mantra of “Turn on, tune in, drop out” to “Sit down, chow down flunk out.”

A study says that Americans are ten times more likely to be killed by a gun than people in other countries. Although those are mostly the people who drive around Texas in a car with a Hillary Clinton bumper sticker.

A study says that Americans are ten times more likely to be killed by a gun than people in other countries. Although the odds drop dramatically by taking the proper steps of not having a job, not going to school and never watching movies in a theater.

A study says a healthy brain is linked to an active sex life in old age. Why is sex in old age so healthy while sex for younger people always comes with warnings about consequences, guilt and disease?

Kansas has yet to identify the cause of an illness linked to Buffalo Wild Wings. Although it could have something to do with the customers who sit around all day watching football while eating Buffalo wings and drinking beer.

Kansas has yet to identify the cause of an illness linked to Buffalo Wild Wings. Although it may have something to do with dinner patrons who ate there following lunch at Chipotle.

A study says that older adults who give up driving may show a decline in health. Which is ironic compared with the improvement in the health of others who are not as likely to be hit by a car driven by a senior.

A study says that older adults who give up driving may show a decline in health. But only the ones who don’t use their car to go to the McDonald’s drive-thru every day.

A study says that sitting for long stretches may boost the risk of developing type 2 diabetes. Especially if the sitting is done in a booth at the nearby Krispy Kreme store.

Def Leppard is postponing their latest tour because of an unspecified illness. Either that or it has something to do with group members’ need to enroll in a remedial spelling program.

Burger King has debuted their new Extra Long Buttery Cheeseburger. It’s extra long so the customer can enjoy the meal during the entire trip in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Amy Duggar says she really never felt up to Duggar family standards. Mostly because she is a cousin to Josh Duggar and he only felt up his sisters.

Alabama finished ranked number one with football recruiting for the Class of 2016. Fortunately for the players, they are admitted based on passing percentage over test scores and yards per carry over GPA.

Alabama finished ranked number one with football recruiting for the Class of 2016. Which will be a thrill in another three years when the players can show off their National Championship rings to all their fellow drivers at Domino’s Pizza.

A Taylor Swift video game is in the making. The goal is to date her for three weeks and then dump her and then get to hear the song she writes about the break up.

Dissatisfied Uber drivers are threatening to protest the Super Bowl over lower fares. The only problem is that anyone who can afford to buy Super Bowl tickets, fly to San Francisco and pay the inflated hotel prices won’t be the ones calling to have a college student drive them around town in their Prius.

Rumors about the iPhone 7 are already floating around seven months before the debut. Which means in another two months we will start hearing the rumors about the features in the iPhones 8,9 and 10.

A report says that fitness trackers contributed to doubling the spending on wearable technology. The only problem for people is finding an outfit that matches their smartwatch, head-mounted display, body-worn camera, Bluetooth headset, wristband and chest strap.

Influential Google engineer Amit Singhal says he is planning to retire at age 48. Industry experts were shocked by the news. There is an employee in Silicon Valley who has kept a job past 40?

Donald Trump’s plane “Trump Force One” made an unscheduled landing at Nashville because of an engine problem. Which really helped anyone who was looking for a metaphor as to what happened to his campaign in Iowa.

Donald Trump’s plane “Trump Force One” made an unscheduled landing at Nashville because of an engine problem. Apparently the engine was fine for flying, it just needed a boost in power to be used to style Trump’s hair every morning.

Rand Paul and Rick Santorum have pulled out of the GOP presidential race. Paul was disappointed in low interest, fundraising problems and mostly that his campaign couldn’t outlast Rick Santorum.

A TSA administrator says “We’re significantly better than we were.” Apparently they have been able to show agents that they can also learn to look for guns and explosives at the same time they are confiscating bottles with more than three ounces of liquids.

A TSA administrator says “We’re significantly better than we were.” In fact, things are improving so much that some day they hope to be as popular as AT&T, Comcast and Bank of America.

A TSA administrator says “We’re significantly better than we were.” Especially for people who are violated by a TSA agent but still find it a more enjoyable experience than the flight they are in line to board on United Airlines.

John Kasich has reportedly picked up a former adviser from the Rand Paul campaign. The bad part is that his advice was that Kasich should be like Paul and also pack it in.

Florida legislators have given the green light to a bill that would allow anyone with a concealed weapon permit to carry their guns in the open. Which is good news for Florida gun owners who find it wastes too much time when shooting someone to actually have to pull it out of a holster.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the world of comedy. Legendary comedian Bob Elliott, half of the team of Bob and Ray has died at age 92. His low key humor kept him on radio and TV for more than 40 years with the duo remembered for many of their classic bits. He was the father of comedian Chris Elliott who achieved his own level of success with David Letterman and the show “Get A Life” until he made the movie “Cabin Boy” and was never heard from again. Oh, well. I’m sure his dad eventually forgave him. So think of Bob Elliott and his great comedy contributions while you read the garbage I put out every day and at least think this has to beat “Cabin Boy.” Barely. And when you do that, make sure to take the time to remember to send the love!

Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Bernie Sanders’ campaign says that the actual results from the Iowa Caucuses may never be known. Which is good in that it will give his staff the experience in case he gets the Democratic nomination and has to go through an election that includes Florida.

A report says that companies are tightening their purse strings in fear of lean times ahead. Things are getting so tight that some executives are actually having to share space on their private jets when they are flying to their private Caribbean islands.

A report says that companies are tightening their purse strings in fear of lean times ahead. It’s getting so tight that CEOs are being forced into lighting their Cuban cigars with only $50 bills.

Swiss bank UBS saw its shares plunge as rich investors withdrew their cash. Economists were surprised. When did rich people start putting their money into banks?

Students at the University of Oregon are debating whether Dr. Martin Luther King’s speeches were inclusive enough. Apparently at the time he didn’t refer to the plight of the poor who got that way after taking out several college tuition loans.

A study says that seafood may play a role in reducing the risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. Which has nothing to do with men who pretend to have no idea how they caught the crabs.

A study says that seafood may play a role in reducing the risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly for men who never forget how much they had to pay for a date who ordered a lobster dinner.

Malcolm McDowell says the dystopian society in the movie “A Clockwork Orange” has become a reality. Although how bad was it in the movie where at least gang members would dress up wearing bowlers and sing show tunes while they beat people up?

Malcolm McDowell says the dystopian society in the movie “A Clockwork Orange” has become a reality. Although at least we have progressed so that instead of sitting at home and watching TV all day at least they have the choice now to look at their computers or play video games.

Lawmakers in Washington, D.C. have proposed a plan to pay people not to commit crimes. Or as the mob used to call that, “Protection.”

Lawmakers in Washington, D.C. have proposed a plan to pay people not to commit crimes. Which sounds like they are offering all the lobbyists an early retirement.

A report says Mexican remittances totaled nearly $25 Billion last year, more than the country’s oil income. How bad has the oil market fallen than to realize the people in the Home Depot parking lot are pulling down more cash than Exxon executives?

North Korea has confirmed it is preparing a long range rocket launch. Which means everyone there living within a three block radius of the launch site is being given a head’s up.

A report says a number of airlines are offering one way flights for under $30. Although they still aren’t considered as much as a bargain as the price of any flight that gets travelers out of New Jersey.

A report says a number of airlines are offering one way flights for under $30. Which when combined with taxes, services and fees brings the cost of those flights up to just more than $700.

Yahoo says it will lay off 15% of its workforce and close offices in Dubai, Mexico, Argentina, Spain and Italy. For one thing it will save a fortune in just not having to teach employees how to say “Yahoo” in all those different languages.

Yahoo says it will lay off 15% of its workforce and close offices in Dubai, Mexico, Argentina, Spain and Italy. Mostly so CEO Marissa Mayer can find a way to keep coming up with enough cash to pay her salary until she is eventually cut loose.

The new “Star Wars” movie dropped below $1 Million a day in box office receipts for the first time on day 46. Which means that sci-fi geeks figure they have finally had enough and don’t really need a 47th viewing.

United Airlines says it will allow parents with young children to board their planes early. Mostly in the hope that having them sit for six hours waiting for takeoff instead of three like everyone else might wear the kids out so they don’t scream through the entire flight.

A new book says that economic growth in the U.S. may be at an end. Which makes the author’s premise only about fifty years late since the last time we actually had any economic growth here was back in 1968.

Documents show that profit seeking was behind pharmaceutical company Turing’s drug price hike of 5,000%. What could be next? Finding out that oil companies were actually gouging us or that utilities actually charge more than the need to?

Documents show that profit seeking was behind pharmaceutical company Turing’s drug price hike of 5,000%. Apparently 4,000% was OK but they really crossed the line and just got greedy when it came to that final 1,000% increase.

NBA MVP Stephen Curry says his team goes out to play to win. To which the Philadelphia 76ers were asking “What’s a win?”

Puerto Rico has offered some proposals to tackle the country’s debt. The first idea is to tell the other countries to stop loaning Puerto Rico money they are never going to pay back.

Federal health officials says moms who drink alcohol while pregnant can cause problems for their unborn child. To which the women who drink while pregnant are asking what are they supposed to do instead to pass the time while they smoke?

Federal health officials says moms who drink alcohol while pregnant can cause problems for their unborn child. Although the irony is that if it weren’t for alcohol they wouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place.

San Francisco is weighing giving out condoms to middle schoolers. It wasn’t all that long ago that a child opening a condom packet would be wondering why a balloon comes individually wrapped.

San Francisco is weighing giving out condoms to middle schoolers. Mostly so by the time they are in high school they aren’t adding to the number of kids in elementary school.

An Australian man has gone on a diet where he will eat only potatoes for a year. Mostly because the idea is still a lot more appetizing than actually trying to eat even one meal with Vegemite.

President Obama is seeking $1 Billion in funds to fight drug abuse. Apparently once that is used to finally get Lindsay Lohan clean, the President will determine where we can go from there.

Lady Gaga will sing the National Anthem at Super Bowl 50. The only problem is making sure none of the tailgaters get a hold of her meat dress and barbecue it before the game.

Dodger pitcher Clayton Kershaw says the lack of a DH in the National League “makes for a better game.” Mostly from a pitcher’s viewpoint because he gets a chance at three or four more strikeouts every game.

Roger Goodell says the NFL didn’t record the PSI levels of footballs in spot checks this season. Mostly because every time he hears about how low the pressure is in a game ball his blood pressure goes up by double.

Roger Goodell says the NFL didn’t record the PSI levels of footballs in spot checks this season. He says it isn’t a problem as long as the balls are only flat on the bottom.

The Cleveland Browns are reportedly going to cut Johnny Manziel but will wait until March 9th. Apparently they want to wait until the earliest projected date he will not be either in jail, on trial or in rehab.

Ronda Rousey’s mother predicted her daughter would be knocked out by Holly Holm. Well, that’s going to make for an awkward Mother’s Day dinner table conversation.

Yahoo will reportedly layoff 1,700 of its company’s 11,000 workers. Apparently they are trying to keep the staff to around the same level of the number of people who still actually use Yahoo.

Mark Zuckerberg has passed Jeff Bezos to become the world’s fifth richest person. Apparently his plan to have all his Facebook friends send him in a dollar actually worked.

Apple is reportedly working on a no touch display screen for hovering fingers. Apparently it is for people who enjoy annoying other movie goers by texting their friends during a film but don’t want to get popcorn butter all over their iPhone screen.

A study says that cities with Super Bowl teams have a higher death rate from the flu. Mostly from cheering on their teams in the late season by going to games in blizzard conditions wearing only boxer shorts and body paint.

NASA is denying a claim that hackers took control of one of their drones in midflight. The rumor apparently started when the drone actually took off and landed on target without crashing.

A new testing program could make hoverboards safer. Apparently it has something to do with having users ride them wearing asbestos suits that come equipped with their own fire extinguisher.

A former CIA Director is telling company CEOs to not rely on the government security. And who better to know that than the person who ran the agency that had no idea about the fall of the Soviet Union, 9/11 and thought the war in Iraq would be a cakewalk.

Customs officials have seized thousands of counterfeit hoverboards last month. Which were pretty much used as a smokescreen by the people who were then able to sneak all the guns, drugs and explosives past the agents who were spending all their time looking for hoverboards.

A 4,500 year old boat has been discovered in Egypt. It was immediately determined to be an artifact as researchers couldn’t even find out where there was any room for the buffet tables.

A study says that fitness trackers are leaking data that lets other people track wearers. Which is no problem except that others will know when they are putting on their fitness tracker to work out but are in reality taking a walk to the closest Dunkin’ Donuts.

Jeb Bush attacked Donald Trump in a new two minute TV ad. Which was surprising given that after the Iowa Caucuses no one even thought Bush’s campaign had that much time left.

Donald Trump says after finishing second in Iowa that New Hampshire “probably suits me better.” Mostly because New Hampshire is the one state that is actually whiter than Iowa.

The GOP establishment is rallying behind Marco Rubio after his third place finish in Iowa. Mostly to try to do anything to prevent their worst nightmare of seeing the names of either Donald Trump or Ted Cruz on the November ballot.

Donald Trump says he feels a “tinge” of disappointment after his second place finish in Iowa. The worst part was that it happened on Groundhog Day and his hair couldn’t be there to console him as it was out looking for its shadow.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! So we are done with Iowa, which means just 49 more primaries to go and then the general election before we can get back to what really matters. Who will be running for President in 2020? I’m getting tired of the process already but at least it gives me some more material to write about than the other fluff that dominates the news every day. The only thing I ever read that still holds my interest is when you all remember to take the time to make sure and send the love!

Tuesday, February 02, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Some Uber drivers in New York City are striking over a drop in fares. It’s a lot different than the old days when people would give rides to strangers for weed, sex or gas money.

Benoit Violier, one of the world’s top chefs has died at age 44. He will be cremated according to his instructions in a Bearnaise sauce at 425 degrees for 45 minutes.

Benoit Violier, one of the world’s top chefs has died at age 44. That’s what happens when you mock one of the favorite recipes of Gordon Ramsay.

Fox ratings surged with the airing of “Grease Live” Sunday night. The only problem is the L.A. sewer system following the show had a bigger oil slick than the Gulf Oil spill.

Fox ratings surged with the airing of “Grease Live” Sunday night. The good news is that stock in Brylcreem was up more than the last time Jerry Lewis hosted the his Labor Day telethon.

An expert says that humans will merge with computers by 2050. He’s a little late on that prediction. Have you ever tried to pry the iPhone out of the hands of a 16 year old?

A study says that smoking marijuana may affect a person’s verbal memory. Which is no big deal since pot smokers’ entire vocabulary is based on the numerous inflections they use with the word “dude.”

A Utah lawmaker has proposed making porn a public health crisis. Apparently he feels that men should only have sex the traditional way. At home with one of their five wives.

A Utah lawmaker has proposed making porn a public health crisis. However, if porn were outlawed there would be an economic crisis as no one would ever have a reason to buy any more computers.

Scientists say the female brain is not wired for weight loss. Which apparently is related to the combination of depressing movies and Haagen Dazs ice cream.

Michigan says it is undertaking a plan to see if the drinking water in Flint is safe. Although when it comes to testing Flint’s drinking water, it was probably a poor choice to use the term “undertaking.”

A report says that Puerto Rico’s economic debt is tied to their providing people with free electricity. People were amazed. When did Puerto Rico get electric power?

A report says that Puerto Rico’s economic debt is tied to providing people with free electricity. If that happened in the U.S., the power would be needed for the defibrillators to revive the power company executives who couldn’t price gouge customers.

India car maker Tata is reportedly considering renaming its new Zica car in the wake of the outbreak of the Zika virus. In a related story, Kia is thinking about a name change as well for their latest model, the I-Bola.

A survey says that post holiday spending by U.S. consumers dropped to $81 a day, down from $99 in December. Mostly because people aren’t spending as much time at the mall and dropping $18 a day at Starbucks.

A survey says that post holiday spending by U.S. consumers dropped to $81 a day, down from $99 in December. Which wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that they are averaging an income of $54 a day.

Bill Gates says he used to memorize employees’ license plates so he could look out the window to see who was at work. He had to use the license plates and not just look at the cars because his workers back then all drove an AMC Pacer.

Bill Gates says he used to memorize employees’ license plates so he could look out the window to see who was at work. Or he could have installed a free soft drink machine full of Fanta in his office and seen who didn’t come in at least twelve times a day.

Bill Gates says he used to memorize employees’ license plates so he could look out the window to see who was at work. It’s just too bad he didn’t have access to anyone who could have used some sort of technology to take workplace attendance.

Microsoft says that Windows 10 has passed XP in its number of users after six months. Which people who are still using Windows XP will read about just as soon as their computers are finally able to boot up.

Twitter stock surged on another rumor of a company takeover. Mostly because traffic went way up as Twitter users finally had something to tweet about.

A poll says that Democrats and Republicans agree the top four political issues are terrorism, the economy, jobs and healthcare. They also agree that no matter which politicians they vote for, nothing will be done about any of them.

The CDC says it is unable to trace the cause of the outbreak of E.coli at Chipotle restaurants. Even more confounding is not being able to figure why there haven’t been any outbreaks at Taco Bell.

A UK woman underwent a pancreas transplant because of her intense fear of needles to inject herself with insulin for diabetes. It’s just a good thing she has no problem with being knocked out for several hours and sliced into with a scalpel during surgery.

The director of “Thor: Ragnarok” says the Hulk’s verbal skills may improve in the film. Now if they could just do something about Steven Seagal.

Khloe Kardashian says being overweight kept her from being a “whore in real life.” Fortunately she was able to put that off until she started selling herself out on every deal possible after getting her own reality TV shows.

Nick Jonas says he has “nothing to prove” regarding his sexuality. Which no one really cares about as much as wishing he would put a shirt on at least once in awhile.

John Cleese says political correctness is killing comedy. The issue isn’t whether it can make it through times of censorship. The real question is can it survive Dane Cook?

Cindy Crawford says she is ready to move on from modeling now that she is turning 50. People were stunned at the news. Cindy Crawford is still modeling?

Cindy Crawford says she is ready to move on from modeling now that she is turning 50. The Kardashian sisters were surprised at the news. There are people who have their pictures taken by someone else?

The NFL says Johnny Manziel’s latest scrape with the law is under an “ongoing” review by the league. He’s the only player who has reviews done not on stadium cameras but on bar customers’ iPhones.

Cleveland Browns fans are pledging to be “Johnny Manziel free” on Twitter in February. Meanwhile Manziel’s backers are starting a similar movement in light of his latest legal issues called “Free Johnny Manziel.”

Golfer Jim Furyk will be out for three months to undergo wrist surgery. Apparently it has something to do with a swing change he made that causes his wrists to change direction seven times on every shot instead of just six.

Ronda Rousey’s mother says her daughter’s trainer is a “fraud.” Apparently it had to do with his advice to try to stop Holly Holm’s foot with her face.

Google’s parent company Alphabet has passed Apple as the world’s most valuable company, worth $570 Billion to Apple’s $535 Billion. Apple hopes to make up the difference and get back to the top when they sell three more iPads and seven iPhones.

Microsoft is reportedly testing an underwater data center. Microsoft hasn’t been this close to going underwater since they bet the company’s future on the release of Windows Vista.

Researchers say a huge population of endangered lions have been found in Ethiopia. The lions will remain on the endangered list until Ethiopia promises stronger safeguards, isolates the area they are living in and prevents allowing travel visas for any Minnesota dentists.

Researchers say ancient humans ate cantaloupe sized eggs from 500 pound birds. Which answers the question of why early man had such a short life span because of predatory animals, territorial battles and sky high cholesterol levels.

Researchers say ancient humans ate cantaloupe sized eggs from 500 pound birds. Birds that large disappeared from the face of the Earth until Colonel Sanders discovered growth hormones.

Democrats and Republicans reported vote counts using Microsoft apps for the Iowa caucuses. Although so far most people using Microsoft products on the Iowa caucuses are using it to try to determine if Bill Gates or Donald Trump has the worst haircut.

An expedition to drill below the Earth’s crust for the first time came up short. It’s just a good thing the project wasn’t given to BP unless they wanted to have the Gulf of Mexico get filled up the next time with magma.

The CEO of Porsche says the company won’t be working on self-driving technology for its sports cars. Mostly because Porsche owners like the feel of driving a high powered sports car by themselves, being seen behind the wheel and since they are all mostly over 70 years old are too afraid to take them over 30 miles an hour in the first place.

A “Madden NFL 16” simulation has predicted the Carolina Panthers will win the Super Bowl next week. The game has correctly predicted the winner nine of the past twelve years. Which is even more amazing considering the programmers who put the game together couldn’t hit their computer screen from their chair with a real football.

An ant simulation video game was canceled after developers used investor money on strippers and booze. People who invested in the realistic ant game are not happy. In fact, instead of hiring a lawyer they have called in the Orkin man.

An analyst says that Donald Trump could possibly save Twitter. Mostly from the millions of people who are signing up for an account to criticize Trump just to get a personalized tweet from Trump calling them a complete moron.

IBM’s Watson is teaming up with the American Heart Association to improve heart health for people at work. Which is ironic in that a computer will try to undo all the damage done by people sitting at a desk all day staring at different screens.

A report says that most of Hillary Clinton’s donations are coming from women. Most of which come with a picture of the donor and their phone number asking if they can be forwarded to Bill.

Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was reportedly vandalized. People were surprised. What did Trump do to earn a star on the Walk of Fame?

Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was reportedly vandalized. Not only that, but three hair salons that started up near its location have all gone out of business.

A comprehensive energy bill in the Senate is reportedly moving slower than expected. Only in Washington, D.C. could an energy bill run out of gas.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Iowa Caucuses are over with Ted Cruz beating Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton tying with Bernie Sanders. Which finally explains what Iowans are doing with all the corn they are growing and it isn’t to make alcohol that is going into our cars. Now voters across the nation are faced with difficult decisions, mostly whom they will vote for and which country they will moved to when we finally pick a President. Before you leave, make sure to turn off the lights and remember to send the love!