Friday, March 24, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore lead the nation in population loss. Which is understandable in Chicago where people hung around the past 108 years saying they would leave as soon as the Cubs won the ‘Series.

A report says Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore lead the nation in population loss. The reason most are leaving is gun violence which means they aren’t moving very far away, in most cases just six feet down.

A report says Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore lead the nation in population loss. The good news is that it means the economy is finally recovering enough so people have enough money to get out like they have been trying since 2007.

A report says the American dream for many young people involves a lease instead of a mortgage as renters are the majority in half the major cities. Mostly because Millennials find it’s easier to deal with an eviction than a foreclosure.

A dispute over cleaning dirty dishes sparked a brawl between workers at an Alabama Waffle House. People were surprised. The Waffle House washes their dishes?

The laptop ban has created problems for airline profits. Especially for people who booked their flight on United and need their laptop so they can reschedule their connecting flights which were canceled while they were in the air.

Apple says it will start making iPhones in India. Which shows that Donald Trump got his way after saying he wanted to get American companies to stop sending all our jobs to China.

A study says smartphones are dirtier than toilets. Which is no surprise as people use them while in the bathroom to check out online porn and their status on dating sites.

A study says smartphones are dirtier than toilets. Which brings up the question what kind of apps are those people installing?

A study says the new status symbol for some people is humblebragging about how busy they are. Although it really isn’t bragging when all their time is spent between the four minimum wage jobs they need to make ends meet.

A report says NASA has an age-reversing pill that it wants to give to astronauts on Mars. The only question is who wants to live to a ripe old age while they are stuck in total desolation on Mars?

A report says NASA has an age-reversing pill that it wants to give to astronauts on Mars. One question is why doesn’t the government give it to the people on Earth now since they don’t want to give us any health care?

Utah has adopted the nation’s toughest drunk driving law. Which is mostly a result of the people getting drunk every night because they can’t get out of Utah.

Utah has adopted the nation’s toughest drunk driving law. Which isn’t that big of an issue there thanks to the Mormons who have made it so the closest liquor store is in Nevada.

Former Trump adviser Roger Stone says Democrats are engaging in “fear mongering” over reports about Russia. He says if they want to scare people they need to just let the pros in the Republican Party show them how it’s really done.

A Florida fire started during a book burning destroyed ten homes. Which wouldn’t have happened if the people burning the books instead tried to read one once in awhile.

A Florida fire started during a book burning destroyed ten homes. The ironic part is when the people doing the burning will be brought into court and have the judge throw the book at them.

The FCC is cracking down on annoying robocalls. If they want to save Americans from being annoyed at home, why don’t they use their power and do something about all those reality TV shows?

A report says oil spills by Shell that haven’t been cleaned up for eight years led to “astonishingly high” pollution in Nigeria. The only question is why is anyone astonished that an oil spill left for eight years could be a problem?

A report says oil spills by Shell that haven’t been cleaned up for eight years led to “astonishingly high” pollution in Nigeria. Eight years? Who does Shell they think they are, BP?

A report says oil spills by Shell that haven’t been cleaned up for eight years led to “astonishingly high” pollution in Nigeria. Shell says it will clean up the mess just as soon as they get their investment back from money they sent to some local princes.

Casper mattress company has started a hotline people can call that features sleep inducing sounds. Although it turns out it is just a phone number that connects the caller to audio of programming at C-SPAN.

Wells Fargo customers can now use a smartphone to withdraw money from ATMs. Which is good news for the three customers who still have any money left after all the phony charges the bank took from setting them up with fake accounts.

The FCC says 12,000 calls to 911 failed during an AT&T outage. Or as AT&T describes 12,000 failed calls, “Tuesday.”

The FCC says 12,000 calls to 911 failed during an AT&T outage. Fortunately for their customers, a real emergency was avoided during the outage as their fast food ordering apps were still working.

17,000 AT&T workers were back at work in California and Nevada after going on strike just one day. Mostly because none of their customers could even tell there was any difference.

17,000 AT&T workers were back at work in California and Nevada after one day as employees claimed they were being forced to work outside their area of expertise. Unfortunately for customers, that expertise has nothing to do with communications.

Ford, Amazon and Starbucks are teaming up to let people order and pay for coffee from their cars. That means they are just a couple of comedians away from being sued for copyright infringement by Jerry Seinfeld.

Ford, Amazon and Starbucks are teaming up to let people order and pay for coffee from their cars. You would think they would have learned about what happens when you mix hot coffee and cars from what happened to McDonald’s.

Ford, Amazon and Starbucks are teaming up to let people order and pay for coffee from their cars. Mostly because the only vehicles with enough cash on hand to go through the Starbucks drive-thru are armor plated.

A study says drinking a glass of pure fruit juice doesn’t cause weight gain in kids. Unless they are using the drink to wash down their lunch of two Big Macs, a large order of fries and apple pie.

Scientists say they are able to reverse DNA aging in mice. To which everyone else is asking why?

A study says that lungs are not just for breathing, but also help in forming blood. On the bad side, they are also what makes for the sound that comes out of the mouth of Justin Bieber.

A study says older women make wise mothers. Although if they are so smart, why did they forget to take their birth control?

Egypt suspended school meal services after hundreds of children were struck down with food poisoning. The good news is that until now the students thought that Salmonella was the name of an ancient Pharaoh.

John Mayer says his new song is about ex-girlfriend Katy Perry. To which Taylor Swift is saying “Well, that’s original.”

Willie Nelson’s publicist is denying rumors the 83 year old singer is near death. For one thing, it will take him at least two years to come down enough from being so stoned to even realize it if he had died.

Rob Lowe and his sons are set to star in a reality show about unexplained phenomenon. The first episode has to do with how Seth Rogen keeps finding work in Hollywood.

John Mayer says he regrets his “bad boy” lifestyle. Yes, it is a shame he fell into such a horrible existence of being a famous musician who is wealthy beyond belief and gets to date the most beautiful women in the world. What was he thinking?

A report says fans of the TV show “CHiPs” are upset about the upcoming movie based on the program. What’s worse is that it comes right as they were finally getting over “The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island.”

Kate Winslet says she was bullied as a child being called “blubber.” What’s worse is that when those same people heard she was in the movie “Titanic” they assumed she got the role of the ship.

Kate Winslet says she was bullied as a child being called “blubber.” What’s worse is that even after winning her Oscar she was offered the title role in “Free Willy 2.”

Police in Peru seized $85 Million in cocaine that were packaged featuring a picture of Barcelona soccer star Lionel Messi. It was the first time the word “blow” was associated with soccer since the vuvuzela was outlawed during games.

Police in Peru seized $85 Million in cocaine that were packaged featuring a picture of Barcelona soccer star Lionel Messi. Apparently it was being sold to fans in order so they could stay awake through a four hour overtime 0-0 tie.

The FBI has returned the recovered Super Bowl jerseys of Tom Brady to Gillette Stadium. The person who stole the uniforms is being charged with theft, extortion and not having the decency to at least run them through the washing machine.

A 15 year old boy in Spain sued his mother for taking away his iPhone. Which shows Donald Trump’s travel ban should be struck down as children in all parts of the world are just as spoiled and entitled as they are in the U.S.

A data analysis says if music service Spotify was a CD store, it would be bigger than Greece. And if it carried DVDs of musicals as well, it would be bigger than “Grease.”

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick told Jesse Jackson that diversity will be a priority at his company. Which means Kalanick will treat all drivers no matter their ethnicity or sex with the same amount of physical and verbal abuse.

WikiLeaks says the CIA is targeting Apple products. Mostly just for the fun of messing with the FBI and making them go crazy when they can’t figure out how to hack into them.

Ride sharing site Lyft says its drivers so far have made $200 Million in tips. Although $199 Million of that was for the lucky driver who gave Bill Gates a ride when his car broke down three blocks away from his house.

Ride sharing site Lyft says its drivers so far have made $200 Million in tips. Which means total income for all drivers since the company started now comes to somewhere around $200 Million.

A survey says young people use Tinder not so much for dating or sex but to boost their confidence. Especially when their profile pictures are of Robert Pattinson and Kate Upton.

Cubs President Theo Epstein has been named by Fortune Magazine as the Greatest Leader in the World. Who could possibly beat out the person who got Boston and Chicago their first World Series wins after a combined drought of 194 years?

Cubs President Theo Epstein has been named by Fortune Magazine as the Greatest Leader in the World. It was a tough choice over Vladimir Putin. It can’t be easy having to call the shots now for two of the world’s top super powers.

Energy Secretary Rick Perry wrote a column expressing his displeasure at the election of the student body president at Texas A&M. Although it’s tough to take him seriously when as a candidate he and 15 other Republicans couldn’t even make it through the primary season against Donald Trump.

Energy Secretary Rick Perry wrote a column expressing his displeasure at the election of the student body president at Texas A&M. Although at this point it’s not sure if he has the clout to overturn the election of the homecoming king and queen.

A new poll suggests that President Trump may have already lost his credibility. To which most people are asking just when it was that he actually had any in the first place?

A new poll suggests that President Trump may have already lost his credibility. The only question is whether it was from the haircut, reality TV show or having his campaign run by Russian hackers.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, tomorrow is my birthday. I won’t say how old I am but you might be able to field a guess from my constant political references back to the Coolidge Administration. I thank you all for another year of checking out the jokes. If you must get me a present, cash in small, unmarked bills is good. Or even better you can just remember to always keep on sending the love!


Thursday, March 23, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

“Gong Show” creator Chuck Barris has died at age 87. He claims that in the 1960s he was an assassin for the CIA. Which finally explains this whole files breach by WikiLeaks, the Russian election hack and spying on presidential candidates.

“Gong Show” creator Chuck Barris has died at age 87. He also created “The Dating Game” which to people in the 1960s was the pre-Internet version of Tinder.

Researchers says brain scans of people watching movies can predict how much money the films will take in. The tough part is monitoring people watching any Adam Sandler films and getting anything more than a flatline.

An Alzheimer’s test can reportedly predict when the disease will appear. Patients can expect bad news if they are asked by test administrators to pay cash up front.

A survey says one in four people believe robots would make better politicians than people. Those are the same people who wish the 2000 election would have gone to Al Gore.

A survey says one in four people believe robots would make better politicians than people. Which is ironic in that we still can’t go to the polls and be sure the electronic voting machines are working correctly.

A report says ISIS is tracking American soldiers online. The good news is that it is tough to identify any Marines since its impossible to find pictures of them online where they are wearing any clothes.

A study says losing the sense of smell can predict an early death. Mostly because those people are much more likely to go ahead and eat what they are served at Taco Bell.

A poll sees optimism growing with age. Mostly for the people who have reached age 70 who know they only have another 20 years before they can finally afford to retire.

A poll sees optimism growing with age. Two thirds of those 70 or older rate their lives excellent or very good. Mostly because they are getting to the point where they think it may be just another few years before their kids move out of their basement.

A study says Americans are dying with an average debt of $62,000. Of course, that is mostly what it takes to cover the cost of their funeral.

A study says Americans are dying with an average debt of $62,000. Which is why on their deathbeds, many of them utter the last words “I win!”

A study says Americans are dying with an average debt of $62,000. To which many seniors are saying it would have been different if only they hadn’t been talked into joining the Columbia House record club back in 1967.

A report says Payless shoe stores will be filing bankruptcy soon. Which is ironic since it means their creditors are about to be paid a lot less.

Starbucks says it will create 240,000 jobs by 2021. In fact, they are already getting people standing outside their stores holding signs saying “Will barista for coffee.”

A report says Brazil’s meat exports are collapsing in the wake of a meat inspection scandal. To which the FDA is saying “meat inspections?”

The tomb where Jesus was believed to be buried will reopen after extensive restoration. Although workers are being criticized as it is being finished way too late for the viewing.

Malaysia says it won’t censor the new “Power Rangers” movie that features a gay character. People were surprised that one of the Power Rangers is gay. The others for now will just be assumed to still be in denial.

A study says Chicago will lose $17 Million in revenue by delaying their red light cameras by two tenths of a second. It’s Chicago. They could slow their cameras by 20 minutes and still catch red light runners who are stuck in the intersection.

A study says Chicago will lose $17 Million in revenue by delaying their red light cameras by two tenths of a second. Or as most Americans call throwing away $17 Million in two tenths of a second, the national budget.

The Army says it is preparing for war that takes place in megacities with populations of more than 10 Million people. Which means Donald Trump really is serious about taking back all those American jobs that went to India.

17,000 AT&T workers in California and Nevada went on strike this week. To which AT&T customers across the region are asking how anyone can tell.

Sears and Kmart say they might not have enough money to restock their shelves. Retail experts were confused. Who is still going into Sears and Kmart and buying anything off the shelf?

Sears and Kmart say they might not have enough money to restock their shelves. Although even if they did have money, where is Sears going to find any floral print wide ties and bell bottom slacks to replace what is currently in stock?

A survey says 94% of tech workers say they give the industry a passing grade when it comes to diversity. In fact most of them report recently seeing someone on the job who wasn’t a white male with glasses, a beard and a man bun wearing a Polo shirt.

Sears says it has “substantial doubt” about its future. To which investors, customers and competitors are saying “You’re just figuring that out now?”

Federal authorities in Puerto Rico say they have confiscated 40,000 counterfeit condoms from China. That’s a good thing. How trustworthy are condoms coming from a country that has a population of 1.3 Billion?

A smartphone device could screen sperm samples to test men’s fertility. The only problem is that after the test, users report having a really gummed up touch screen.

A smartphone device could screen sperm samples to test men’s fertility. What’s even easier is that the sperm sample can be obtained by just leaving the phone in a front pocket while leaving it set on “vibrate.”

A smartphone device could screen sperm samples to test men’s fertility. Although men who use their phones to bingewatch Netflix and look at cat videos all day don’t have to worry about the chance at ever becoming a father anyway.

A study says many women start off their pregnancy with a poor diet. Which makes sense as drinking all night without eating anything is probably how they got pregnant in the first place.

Mylan has recalled 80,000 EpiPens over a defect. The company is now thinking that maybe some of their price increase to $600 a unit could have been used to actually improve the product instead of going directly into the CEO’s stock portfolio.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced there will be fewer commercials during televised games. Especially during the post game so people in the locker room will have less time during the breaks to steal players’ memorabilia.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced there will be fewer commercials during televised games. The only exception will be during instant replay reviews where officials need about 75 commercials before they actually make a decision.

“Married At First Sight” stars Sonia Granados and Nick Pendergrast have announce they are getting divorced after less than a year of marriage. Or as they say in reality TV, they aren’t renewing each other for a second season.

“Married At First Sight” stars Sonia Granados and Nick Pendergrast have announce they are getting divorced after less than a year of marriage. Which means they could start up a new show called “Marriage At First Sight…On Second Thought, Divorce.”

Lindsay Lohan is starting a reality show where she causes mahem on people’s social media accounts and makes them do embarrassing challenges to win prizes. Which kind of sounds like a capsulated version of Lohan’s career.

Lindsay Lohan is starting a reality show where she causes mahem on people’s social media accounts and makes them do embarrassing challenges to win prizes. Although it would be just as entertaining to put a camera on Lohan while she drives herself between clubs on a Saturday night.

Jordan Spieth and Rory McIlroy lost in the first round of round robin play at the WCG Match Play in Austin to Hideto Tanihara and Soren Kjeldsen. And you thought your NCAA brackets were messed up after the Duke and Villanova games.

Phil Mickelson says he won’t be called to testify as a witness in an insider trading trial he was involved in. As a golfer, Mickelson believes that any penalties should be called by the defendant on himself.

Phil Mickelson says he won’t be called to testify as a witness in an insider trading trial he was involved in. The question is, why would Mickelson get involved with those people in the first place. How much more money does a guy need who marks his ball with an 1849 gold Double Eagle?

Roger Goodell has revealed changes that will speed up the pace of football games. To which the Atlanta Falcons are still trying to figure out how they could have done away with the last two minutes of the Super Bowl.

An anatomy analysis is changing scientists’ minds about the makeup of the dinosaur family tree. That and someone sent in some DNA from a T-Rex to Ancestry.com.

The oldest Vespa motor scooter in existence is up for auction. The only question is why would anyone want to even be seen driving around on a new one?

A report says the supply of Bay Area starter homes is rising. Which in the Bay Area, a “starter” home means that buying one starts you on a debt that you will have to live to be 157 years old to pay off.

A new school in Portland, Maine is teaching Millennials how to grow up. The first thing is how about trying to be an adult yourself instead of enrolling at a school to have someone tell you how?

A new school in Portland, Maine is teaching Millennials how to grow up. It’s too bad they just can’t walk upstairs from the basement they are living in and ask their parents.

A bill in Mississippi restricts politicians from using campaign money for personal expenses. Apparently until now there has been no law there against stealing.

A bill in Mississippi restricts politicians from using campaign money for personal expenses. As of now, politicians there will just have to rely on the old school method of padding their wallets with bribes, kickbacks and payoffs.

John McCain says Congress is “not credible enough” to handle investigations into Russia’s ties to the Trump Administration. How bad is it to get a credibility lecture from the person who picked Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate?

Nevada has approved the ERA, 35 years after the passage deadline of 1982. Next, they will start working on the women’s right to vote, the Civil Rights Act and integrating schools.

Donald Trump’s approval ratings are down to 37% with his honesty ratings an even lower 35%. At least he can finally say that there are now two things that his numbers were higher than on Election Day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the day that Congress will vote on the Obamacare repeal. This ought to be interesting. Republicans are trying to do something they said was impossible, coming up with a worse plan than the ACA. Here’s how it works: Make health care so expensive that everyone will become motivated to become a millionaire so they can afford to have it. Brilliant. We will become the wealthiest nation in world history. Two things, just don’t get sick and remember to keep on always sending the love!



Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Amazon is expanding a program to remove counterfeit goods from their website. The only problem is that the message was sent out through Amezun.com.

Amazon is expanding a program to remove counterfeit goods from their website. Jeff Bezos wants to make sure his customers get only the honest to goodness cheap crap that only Amazon can deliver.

Twitter has suspended 636,000 accounts to tackle extremism. Although no one will consider their efforts completely sincere as long as there is still activity coming from the account of Donald Trump.

Pope Francis I is telling young people to resist the “fake” reality of social media. The only problem is that most young adults are skeptical whether the report was legitimate or from some fake news site.

Pope Francis I is telling young people to resist the “fake” reality of social media. He told them all they really need to do is keep coming to church, donating money while praying and they will all go to Heaven.

Rich New Yorkers are asking the state to raise their taxes. Mostly because the wealthy are always looking for new experiences that they can try for the first time.

Rich New Yorkers are asking the state to raise their taxes. Which makes about as much sense and will get the same results as going into Central Park and asking someone to punch them in the face.

A study says access to nature reduces depression and obesity. Mostly because being out in the woods means having to walk 20 miles to get to the nearest McDonald’s or Little Caesar’s.

A study says one third of Americans may have trouble coming up with an emergency $2,000. Which is sad knowing that anymore, “life” and “emergency” savings are pretty much the same thing.

A study says one third of Americans may have trouble coming up with an emergency $2,000. The other two thirds are standing on freeway exits with signs saying “Will work for food.”

Experts fear a big L.A. earthquake could cause land to sink as much as three feet. Which is good news for people who want to sell their homes and can advertise it as having a sunken living room, sunken bathtub and sunken everything.

Goldman Sachs is building a robo-adviser to provide financial advice to the masses. Because what could go wrong with people taking advice from one of the companies that took their life savings when it crashed the global economy back in 2007?

A woman is being charged with using a Bible to sneak drugs into a Mississippi jail. Apparently authorities became suspicious when an inmate requested a visit from a woman who would have a Bible in the first place.

Middle Eastern airlines are prohibiting electronic devices on flights. The good news is that passengers will still be able to bring along their chickens, goats and donkeys.

Middle Eastern airlines are prohibiting electronic devices on flights. Although what they should really be concerned about is passengers who are boarding while wearing any kind of vest.

A type of bumblebee has been put on the endangered species list for the first time ever. Which serves those insects right for letting one of them sting Donald Trump.

A pilot who passed out in the cockpit before a flight in Canada has pleaded guilty to being impaired. Until now, pilots were only considered drunk if they passed out while still in the pilots’ lounge.

A pilot who passed out in the cockpit before a flight in Canada has pleaded guilty to being impaired. That is one aviator who really put the “air” in “impaired.”

Diving tours of the Titanic wreck site will begin next year, costing $105,000. Which is a lot of money considering people can have the same real life experience for $2,000 by booking a cruise with Carnival.

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch says Donald Trump is not above the law. He is also not above lying, abusing his power or using social media to start World War III.

A study says the world’s healthiest people eat a lot of pasta. Which is questionable. When is the last time you saw any skinny people out at the Olive Garden?

A 25 year old sea turtle in Thailand has died after eating nearly 1,000 coins. The sad part is the turtle was just looking for a little change in her diet.

A report says the GOP healthcare proposal would be worse for Americans than just completely repealing Obamacare. That’s like being stranded on a deserted island for weeks and getting rescued by a ship that only serves food from Taco Bell.

A Silicon Valley startup is offering $10,000 for new hires to leave the Bay Area. Mostly because if they gave them $10,000 to stay that would cover rent, parking and tolls for about a month.

A writer is suing Disney, claiming they stole his idea for the movie “Zootopia.” Really, where else would a company like Disney ever come up with a movie featuring computer generated animated animals that talk?

Fox News has sidelined commentator Andrew Napolitano after his unfounded claims that Donald Trump’s phones were wiretapped. Those kinds of statements are only allowed to be made by Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Lou Dobbs.

The U.S. and UK are citing the threat of terror in barring electronic devices on flights from the Middle East. Although for most Americans, the most terrorizing thought possible is having to sit through an entire flight without their cellphone or laptop.

The U.S. and UK are citing the threat of terror in barring electronic devices on flights from the Middle East. Apparently that is the Trump Administration’s way around the travel ban as no electronic devices pretty much means no passengers.

General Mills says that yogurt with more fat and better taste is hurting the sales of light yogurt. Although people who want diet yogurt can pretty much get the same experience by drinking out of a carton of skim milk that has gone bad.

General Mills says that yogurt with more fat and better taste is hurting the sales of light yogurt. Mostly because Americans like the idea of eating healthy, but only if they can include enough fat, sugar and salt to make it completely unhealthy.

Donald Trump is warning House Republicans they could lose their seats in 2018 if they don’t vote for his health care bill. Which is similar to most Americans who if the bill passes and they get sick will also end up losing their rear ends.

Morton Deutsch, an expert on conflict resolution has died at age 97. Apparently after the November election he figured why stick around when no one has listened to a word he said?

Morton Deutsch, an expert on conflict resolution has died at age 97. If anyone questioned his knowledge on resolving conflicts, the only proof he needed was that he was able to stay married for nearly seven decades.

A report predicts a “troubling” shortage of doctors in the U.S. by 2030. Which isn’t that big of a deal because by then Trumpcare will see to it that only three Americans will still have any health insurance.

Chuck Berry’s music sales went up 9,000% after his death last week. Which should worry Justin Bieber that his record company might think it’s a win-win situation for everyone if they shoot him.

Chuck Berry’s music sales went up 9,000% after his death last week. Which would be a fitting tribute if he could finally get a number one song on the charts other than “My Ding-a-Ling.”

A New York hospital has released a playlist of 40 songs with 100 beats per minute that can be used for CPR. They will soon come out with a follow up album called “Pumpin’ to the Oldies.”

A New York hospital has released a playlist of 40 songs with 100 beats per minute that can be used for CPR. The problem is that when anyone uses a song from Kanye West, the victim tells them to turn it off and they will just take their chances.

Jennifer Lopez says when she started out she was so poor she could only eat one slice of pizza a day. Fortunately, her career was made on account of where all those slices of pizza over the years eventually ended up.

Colin Kaepernick has donated $50,000 to Meals on Wheels. And who better to make sure that some of the elderly are able to have delivery of a nice sit-down meal?

Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey was found in Mexico. Although authorities are still searching for the Atlanta Falcons defensive line.

Donald Trump has made a 2033 Mars mission an official goal of NASA. Which makes sense as a trip to the red planet will be a nice way to commemorate being elected with the help of the Red Army.

Donald Trump has made a 2033 Mars mission an official goal of NASA. A more immediate goal will be to see if his administration can hang on to the White House even until 2020.

Apple has brought out a cheap 9.7” iPad. Don’t they already have that? It’s called the iPhone 6 Plus.

A report says the wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen for the first time since the Great Recession. Which is only fitting since causing the Great Recession is how they all became wealthy in the first place.

Rex Tillerson says he didn’t want the job of Secretary of State. Mostly because when you are the CEO of a major oil company why take any job that doesn’t pay millions of dollars a year for doing pretty much nothing?

Rex Tillerson says he didn’t want the job of Secretary of State. He felt it was time to give back and instead of being the beneficiary of Middle East wars he should become a diplomat and be the one starting them.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. What would be more surprising is if most Americans even knew who Abraham Lincoln was.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Even more difficult is convincing most people that Donald Trump is a Republican.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Which is fitting because Trump’s health replacement plan will give most Americans the same kind of results Lincoln had after going to Ford’s Theater.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Which is hard to believe because if he was a real Republican he would have insisted on being on higher denominations than the penny and $5 bill.

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch at his hearing said “Of course women can be President.” Good thing for him that one isn’t or he would never have been nominated in the first place.

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch at his hearing said “Of course women can be President.” Although that might not be a good thing as he represents the party that gave us Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Carly Fiorina.

Arizona Senator Jeff Flake asked Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch if he would rather fight “one horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses.” At least that explains how the Senator ended up with his last name.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley left the hearing of Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch early so he could make his 9:00 bedtime. What was even weirder is that it was at 9:00 AM.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley left the hearing of Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch early so he could make his 9:00 bedtime. Not only that, he had to be home in time to yell at the neighborhood kids to “Get off my lawn!”

White House spokesman Sean Spicer says Republicans voting against the GOP health care bill “could pay a price.” Especially if it ever gets to the point where members of Congress actually have to sign up using their own plan.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I love the report that the GOP health care plan would actually be worse than if Obamacare was repealed with no replacement. Only Congress could waste seven years trying to overturn a policy and stick us with something that causes more harm. I am starting to believe that theory that the universe is actually a simulation. No one could screw things up this badly if it were for real. I just hope they do a better job when the actual version comes out. In the meantime, I will just continue to be happy in my own reality when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!