Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Olympic swimming champ Michael Phelps says he is off his 12,000 calories a day diet that he used during training. Or as most Americans call 12,000 calories a day, a hunger strike.

A UK restaurant manager has been sentenced to prison for six years for manslaughter for serving peanuts to a customer who died from an allergy. Taco Bell workers in the U.S. are concerned. “They can jail you for killing customers?”

A UK restaurant manager has been sentenced to prison for six years for manslaughter for serving peanuts to a customer who died from an allergy. It’s a clear cut case of judicial inequality as there are thousands of restaurant managers and cooks walking around free after deliberately serving customers haggis.

A study says the Fitbit trackers are “highly inaccurate” and can be off as much as 20 beats per minute on detecting a heart rate. The worst part is that the study showed most Americans reached their maximum heart rate the minute they walk into a McDonald’s.

Facebook has apologized for banning pictures of a plus sized model. Mostly because she claims the reason she is not a plus sized model is from sitting around all day at the computer posting her pictures on Facebook.

Facebook has apologized for banning pictures of a plus sized model. The modeling industry has adopted the term “plus size” as it refers to anyone who has blown up to the point they wear something larger than a size zero.

A study in the UK says that cash is used in less than half of all transactions. To which people in the U.S. need to be reminded that cash is that stuff they used to have in their pockets before 2008.

A camel tied up in the heat in India severed its owners head. Which is different in the U.S. as when people think of littering with Camels, they are talking about people throwing away the butts.

A camel tied up in the heat in India severed its owners head. That was one argument where the owner really meant it when he said “Well, you don’t need to bite my head off!”

Angelina Jolie has been invited to teach at the London School of Economics. Apparently they felt their students could learn a lot about money from someone who is getting ready to have to pay for college for six children.

FIFA has fired its financial director for taking millions of dollars in “irregular” bonus payments. Or as most people refer to that process, “embezzlement.”

FIFA has fired its financial director for taking millions of dollars in “irregular” bonus payments. His first mistake was taking bonus money from FIFA instead of like the other executives, collecting cash from outside sources in bribes.

The Swiss are discussing paying every adult in the country $2,500 to do nothing. We already do that here in the U.S., only here the program is called the government payroll.

A study says college students in fraternities are not cutting back on the amount of alcohol they drink despite interventions. Especially the ones that turn whether or not they will have an intervention on any particular day into a drinking game.

A study says college students in fraternities are not cutting back on the amount of alcohol they drink despite interventions. Or as most frat members call interventions, having to show up in class.

VA Secretary Bob McDonald compared the time waiting for medical treatment to the time guests at Disneyland spend waiting in line for rides. The main difference is it is much more fun ending up on Space Mountain instead of being pushed down a hallway by an orderly using a gurney.

A deal has reportedly been reached to keep Atlantic City, New Jersey from running out of cash. Apparently it has to do with encouraging people to lose money in the casinos by betting on Atlantic City to become financially solvent someday.

Ride sharing company Lyft will start allowing people to schedule rides up to 24 hours in advance. The only problem is that most people don’t know that far ahead when they will be completely drunk out of their minds.

A study says that Americans are still not excited about self-driving cars. Mostly because they like the feel of the accelerator beneath their feet, the control of the steering wheel in their hands and a cellphone in their fingers for texting while driving.

A study says that Americans are still not excited about self-driving cars. Where’s the adventure of having a robotic car get you there using GPS and miss out on the thrill of getting lost because you are too stubborn to ask for directions?

A study says Americans used 1 Trillion gigabytes of mobile data last year. That doesn’t even include people with wireless plans on AT&T who were able to download as much as 3 Megabytes.

A study says Americans used 1 Trillion gigabytes of mobile data last year. Mostly the people who are on the road and away from their office computer and need another device to watch Internet porn on the job.

The President of the San Francisco Federal Reserve says the U.S. is at full employment. Mostly because all the positions have been filled by people who now need to work at four jobs just to make ends meet.

A Korean convenience store has launched an ice cream product that they claim to be a hangover cure. Which means that for dessert people can have a hair of the dog. Of course, the rest of the dog was what they were served for their main course.

Twitter users are sharing their stories about fighting their depression to try to help others. Mostly by telling them to avoid being depressed by actually having a life and not posting on Twitter all day.

A study says that 60% of packaged food and drinks in stores have added sugar. The other 40% is the food that has been sitting in the store’s bargain bin for the past two months.

A survey says that 82% of Americans think hamburgers are healthy to eat. Which they are when they are compared to the pizza, bacon, hot dogs and french fries that make up most the rest of their meals.

One of the fatalities on Mt. Everest this season was a vegan hoping to summit. The sad news is, even is she would have survived the climb she would have been a vegetable.

Researchers in Ohio have identified an affliction called “dormant butt syndrome” that can lead to a risk of chronic pain. Which sounds more like a scientific term for what the rest of us know as being a lazy ass.

Researchers in Ohio have identified an affliction called “dormant butt syndrome” that can lead to a risk of chronic pain. Mostly from being hit in the head by your wife after wasting the entire weekend sitting on the couch watching sports on TV.

Jennifer Lopez says she does not deserve her reputation for being a diva. Actually, she didn’t say it. It came from her personal assistant through orders from her publicity agent at the direction of her manager under threat of all of them being fired if they don’t fix it.

A congressional report says the NFL tried to influence the brain study they conceded to as part of a lawsuit settlement. In other words, the league messed up by not trying to fix the report properly by giving the members of Congress involved some cash donations.

Major League Baseball is investigating the San Diego Padres after a gay men’s chorus was preempted from singing the National Anthem when a recording was played instead. Apparently the person in charge used to work for Britney Spears and had no idea there are people who don’t lip sync.

Major League Baseball is investigating the San Diego Padres after a gay men’s chorus was preempted from singing the National Anthem when a recording was played instead. There is a concern about live performances in San Diego. The Padres are still apologizing for having Roseanne Barr sing “The Star Spangled Banner” back in 1990.

Dollar General is leaving Joe Gibbs Racing and NASCAR as a sponsor at the end of the year. Apparently race officials were worried that coming home with all those bags of one dollar bills made their wives think they were getting ready to go out to the strip clubs.

Dollar General is leaving Joe Gibbs Racing and NASCAR as a sponsor at the end of the year. Apparently it had to do something with the pit crew only being given tools from Dollar General, meaning having to fix everything with a hammer and duct tape.

A Massachusetts man has stood outside Gillette Stadium every day for a month hoping for a tryout with the New England Patriots. Just to show he is ready to fill in for Tom Brady, he has let the air out of the tires of every car in the parking lot.

A Massachusetts man has stood outside Gillette Stadium every day for a month hoping for a tryout with the New England Patriots. If it works, expect to see Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton fighting for the best spot to stand in front of the White House.

Cafeteria workers at Intel headquarters say their bathroom breaks are restricted. Fortunately, the workers at Intel do not have any restrictions on bathroom breaks. Especially the ones who have just finished eating in the company cafeteria.

Hyundai says it will build an electrical vehicle with a 250 mile range by 2020. As opposed to Chrysler which is still working on a vehicle that has a 250 mile life expectancy.

AT&T and Sprint are offering deals to buy one smartphone and get another free. The only difference is that with AT&T, the deal is technically buying what amounts to two paperweights.

A study says the least stressful job is a fashion model. For one thing, they never have to worry about the little things like going to the supermarket or make plans for what they are going to eat ever.

Apple is telling its suppliers to prepare for a high demand for the iPhone 7. Mostly because all Apple has to do to create a panic is say the phones are available but there is a limited supply.

A study says that New Orleans is sinking faster than thought, at around two inches a year. To which the people who have endured being Saints fans all these years are saying “Is there any way to speed things up a bit?”

The video game “Minecraft” is expanding into China. Which doesn’t sound like something they would be much interested in as minecrafting pretty much sounds more like what they already do there every day for a living.

Bill Clinton says he wants Donald Trump to release his tax returns. To which Trump says he will as soon as Clinton makes public the numbers in his little black book.

Bernie Sanders says the Democratic National Convention is going to be “messy.” To which the people who have ever been to more than one are saying “and your point is...?”

The head of security of the TSA has been reassigned after it was revealed he was paid $90,000 in bonuses. That’s like going out of your way to tip the server at Chipotle who gave you the burrito covered in E.coli.

The head of security of the TSA has been reassigned after it was revealed he was paid $90,000 in bonuses. It can only be hoped that his reassignment involves several plane flights to get to where he has to go through a three hour security wait for each one.

Donald Trump says if he is elected President, he may ask Congress to formally declare a war against terrorism. Which would also be expanded to include Mexican immigrants, African refugees and anyone who says anything against the U.S. or his administration.

Hillary Clinton was in Detroit saying that Donald Trump is a “disaster waiting to happen.” As opposed to Detroit which is a disaster that has been going on for the past 30 years.

Hillary Clinton is warning that Donald Trump could bankrupt the U.S. The only question is, when a country is already $18 Trillion in debt just how much further does it have to go to be actually declared bankrupt?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, darn. No one played my Ramones trivia game yesterday. In case you care, the reference to Chicken Vindaloo comes from their song “I Just Want To Have Something To Do.” It is featured in the movie “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School,” one of my favorite films of all time. Oh, well. You missed out on the chance to win nothing. Pretty much like what you get any day out of reading this blog. If you don’t like playing trivia games, you can always instead use the time to make sure and remember to always send the love!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Bill Clinton says he feels “totally useless” this election season. Which is usually the phrase reserved for whomever is named to run as Vice President.

The Chinese government reportedly sends out a half billion fake social media posts to divert attention from sensitive issues. Apparently they got the idea to send out countless meaningless posts for no other reason than to generate attention from the Kardashians.

A report says adult temper tantrums could be a sign of a condition called “intermittent explosive disorder.” Either that or they are preparing for a televised presidential debate.

Tarantulas reportedly terrorized passengers on a flight from the Dominican Republic to Canada. Either they escaped from a smuggler, came in with the cleaning crew or finally answered what they would come up with for the sequel to “Snakes On A Plane.”

A report says one third of all corporate cash is held by five U.S. companies, with Apple alone sitting on $216 Billion. Although Apple explains that away as just being last week’s advanced orders for the iPhone 7.

A historian predicts in a new book that Artificial Intelligence will create a “useless class of humans.” In other words, robots will finish off the job started by their distant relative the smartphone.

A wristband linked to the wearer’s bank account can be programmed to give a shock when the person spends too much money. Unfortunately, by then it’s already too late to zap the person for the $200 they forked out to buy the wristband in the first place.

A wristband linked to the wearer’s bank account can be programmed to give a shock when the person spends too much money. Which means they need to get ready to get hit with a jolt the minute they even think about walking into the Apple Store.

A study says that eating curry can help fight dementia. Like making people remember to wear an adult diaper whenever they sit down at the dinner table to a plate of Chicken Vindaloo.

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. Which means when people are asked who furnished their home, they will say it was a combination of Ethan Allen, Thomasville and Ruger.

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. The most frustrating part is putting together an IKEA living room set where you have to also know how to assemble a Remington Carbine.

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. Which means at some point there is going to be a domestic shooting where the homeowner says “I didn’t know the divan was loaded.”

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. Which means people are going to have to be very careful when they visit Dick Cheney’s home and he tells them to have a seat in the recliner.

A report says the water level in Lake Mead in Nevada is at an all time low. The water is so low that the mob is having to resort to dumping the bodies of deadbeat gamblers in the pool over at Caesar’s Palace.

A report says constantly using smartphones can cause a variety of health problems. Especially for the men whose wives find out who they are using their phone to spend all their time talking, texting and posting pictures with.

A report says constantly using smartphones can cause a variety of health problems from sitting all day and putting stress on their eyes and neck. Which they then spend more time using their phone to Google what is wrong with their back, eyes and neck.

A mobile home in Malibu has sold for $5.3 Million. Neighbors were surprised. They thought that some new black velvet paintings on the wall, AstroTurf in the yard and new tires meant that Britney Spears was going to stay put for awhile.

The FDA has approved new food nutrition labels that will be easier to read. Which are even more simple now that most food processing companies are sticking to the basic three ingredients of sugar, salt and fat.

Graduating seniors at Ontario High School in southern California found their diplomas contained the misspelled word “shcool.” That wasn’t as bad as students who saw their address was “Ontario, CA” and assumed global warming was why it was always so hot even though they lived near Toronto.

A Missouri man says it took five years and $50,000 in payments and interest to pay back a $2,500 payday loan. Even the people at Countrywide Mortgage sent the company a card saying “Thanks for making us not feel so bad about what we did.”

A report says IBM layoffs could affect 14,000 jobs. The sad part was seeing Watson on the side of a freeway offramp with a sign saying “Will play ‘Jeopardy!’ for Windows update.”

The TSA says it will hire 768 full time screeners to help with security delays at airports. The only problem is that to get an interview, job applicants have to wait in line for three hours after taking off their shoes and being limited to three ounces of water.

A report says Venezuela is running out of sugar. Which in the U.S. would cause a panic as people would have to change all their recipes to just equal parts of salt and fat.

People who bought GM SUVs with overstated gas mileage estimates will be given debit cards as compensation. Which they can now use to pay for all the extra visits to the gas station they had no idea they would be making.

A study says a “sixth sense” protects drivers from distractions and stress except while they are texting. Mostly because as soon as people start texting behind the wheel they lose whatever they had left of any common sense.

Sugary soft drinks have been pulled out of elementary schools in Colombia. Apparently they don’t want their kids to develop any bad health habits while they get their education to start a career in the national industry that provides the rest of the world with cocaine.

A study says zero gravity can cause long term health problems for people on long missions in space. Although that isn’t a problem as much as the health issues with most Americans who have gotten so fat they have developed their own gravitational pull.

A study says a healthy lifestyle can prevent up to half of all cancer deaths. To which most Americans are asking “so what are the other options?”

A guitar once owned by Johnny Ramone was bought at an auction by his widow for $55,000. The transaction had to be done in cash because it came with no strings attached.

A guitar once owned by Johnny Ramone was bought at an auction by his widow for $55,000. She wanted to be able to do something with the instrument that had never been done while her husband was alive. Tune it up.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly flew 8,000 miles on a private jet to pick up an environmental award. Mostly because he didn’t have three weeks to sit cramped up in the back of a Honda Fit along with $6,000 in cash to get there using Uber.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly flew 8,000 miles on a private jet to pick up an environmental award. Which was still better than the fact the award was made from California Sequoia covered with panda fur with lettering made from elephant ivory.

P Diddy hosted a tribute over the weekend in Brooklyn to the late rapper Notorious B.I.G. who was gunned down in 1997. Which is ironic in that the guest list of rappers from the 1990s pretty much was made up of everyone suspected of pulling the trigger.

Larry Bird gave an interview where he says he favors the NBA creating a four point shot. Which would be for anything just inside of half court, or if Shaquille O’Neal was still playing from the free throw line.

Two horses died at Pimlico on Preakness race day. Which goes to show when someone from the mob comes up and tells you to slow down on the back stretch, you slow down on the back stretch.

An out-of-town bettor reportedly flew into Las Vegas over the weekend to place a $9,000 wager on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl. The payout for a win would be $540,000. If he wanted a long shot he could have been in line for the same amount by putting a dollar on the Raiders.

An out-of-town bettor reportedly flew into Las Vegas over the weekend to place a $9,000 wager on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl. The only way he could make a dumber bet would be to put some cash down on MVP Johnny Manziel.

New Orleans Saints and Pelicans owner Tom Benson says his family tried to kill him. Mostly for putting all the family money they stand to inherit into investments like the Saints and the Pelicans.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says he is “absolutely” open to being selected as Hillary Clinton’s running mate. Which would really anger Republicans who when they said wanted a Cuban in the White House were talking about Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz.

Tom Brady was picked as fifth on a list of the most hated NFL players of all time. Although the lineup is considered suspect as neither Brady nor the four ahead of him on the list ever spend any time as a Raider.

Google and Levis are teaming up to make a smart denim jacket that can be used to control the wearer’s cellphones. Which would be the first time anyone would be seen in a denim jacket that was described as “smart.”

Google and Levis are teaming up to make a smart denim jacket that can be used to control the wearer’s cellphones. The only question is would a company made from Google and Levis would be called “Googly Eyes”?

Monitoring staff Internet usage has become a common practice in Brazilian organizations. Mostly trying to keep employees from going online to see how much more people are being paid in all the other countries.

Citibank has launched a voice biometric authentication system for identity verification. It will eliminate the need for people to have passwords. The only glitch so far is that anyone calling in has to use the phrase “12345.”

Citibank has launched a voice biometric authentication system for identity verification, eliminating passwords. The only problem so far is anyone calling in using an AT&T connection automatically gets sent over by the computer to the account of Bob Dylan.

Researchers say two mega tsunamis destroyed an ancient shoreline on Mars. The good news is that hundreds of new applications came into NASA to take part in the Mars mission from people named “Hangten,” “Moondoggy” and “Wipeout.”

A survey says 72% of Americans have used an on-demand service. Mostly men who got caught sneaking into their bedroom at 3:00 AM and needed to get a ride from Uber to a place they could rent for the night on Airbnb.

A new documentary about Anthony Weiner is getting positive reviews. It is the one film that men are advised they may want to shut off their cellphones and not use them for texting during the movie.

Former Mexico President Vicente Fox says he will have lunch with Donald Trump if he apologizes for past offensive statements. To which Trump is open as long as he doesn’t have to apologize for any current and future offensive statements.

Former Mexico President Vicente Fox says he will have lunch with Donald Trump if he apologizes for past offensive statements. And as long as Trump doesn’t try to take him to the Trump Tower Grill for a taco bowl.

That’s it or now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have to point out that I wrote two jokes about Johnny Ramone’s guitar being auctioned off to his widow, one of them about his playing out of tune. That was simply a joke of opportunity and in no way reflects from my total admiration of the Ramones as one of the greatest rock and roll bands in history. Even though they did play out of tune. Especially because they played out of tune. But I did try to make up for it with a hidden reference to one of their songs earlier in the blog. If you can find it, you are a true Ramones fan and have my admiration for your taste. Just e-mail me at jimbarach@hotmail.com if you can find the answer. There is no prize. It will just be an even better way to show me we share the same taste in music which of course counts as sending the love!

Friday, May 20, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that two thirds of Americans say they would struggle to cover a $1,000 emergency. The other one third says $1,000 isn’t an emergency. It’s a disaster. $15 is an emergency.

Morley Safer from CBS’ “60 Minutes” has died at age 84, a week after retiring. His colleagues apparently were expecting bad news when one of their coworkers decides to hang it up at such a young age.

Morley Safer from CBS’ “60 Minutes” has died at age 84, a week after retiring. Which for most Americans would have been just long enough to wipe out everything they had managed to put into their 401(k) account.

A survey says the average person spends .45% of their life having sex. Mostly at a span of three minutes at a time.

A survey says the average person spends .45% of their life having sex. The other 99.55% of their life is spent trying to get some.

Venezuela is preparing for its biggest military exercise in its history. Although none of their neighbors are going to be particularly impressed at the sight of 10,000 gauchos practicing throwing their bolos.

Doctors in the UK are testing a breathalyzer that may be able to detect lung cancer. The first sign is when the patient is still smoking a cigarette while breathing into the machine.

Dermatologists say that cellphones may cause acne. Mostly for the people who are using their phones so much they aren’t able to finish school and get anything other than working at the french fry station at McDonald’s.

A study says the average person can only relax 36 minutes a day. Usually the nine minutes between the four minimum wage jobs they have to work to make ends meet.

A study says the average person can only relax 36 minutes a day. Which is the time they finally get to unwind after eight hours of watching internet porn at work, the five hours on the couch playing video games and three hours standing in fast food lines.

A poll says that nine of ten Native Americans are not offended by the Washington Redskins name. Just as long as people keep coming to their casinos and giving them their money when they keep placing bets thinking their team has a chance at winning.

Phil Mickelson has agreed to return nearly $1 Million he made as a result of insider trading. His lawyers say he is not guilty of any criminal wrongdoing, which means that like Bubba Watson he is just going to put the blame on his caddy.

Roger Federer will not play in the French Open, the first Grand Slam event he will miss since 2000. Not to say he is getting older, but he may also miss Wimbledon as he keeps yelling at all the younger players on the grass courts to get off his lawn.

Roger Federer will not play in the French Open, the first Grand Slam event he will miss since 2000. Not to say he is getting older, but it is just harder to get traction on the red clay courts while trying to rush the net using a walker.

A federal appeals court has upheld a ban on citizens owning machine guns. Which is bad news for people claiming the right to be able to protect themselves who will now only be able to use an AK-47, AR-15, Bushmaster M4 Carbine, Anzio 20mm, Glock 23...

The U.S. has introduced a bill to help Puerto Rico with its $70 Billion debt. Or as Congress calls $70 Billion in borrowed money to run the government, “Tuesday.”

A group is urging Congress to forgive farmers’ student loans. Which would be great news for the seven farmers who have actually gotten an education that went past the third grade.

A group is urging Congress to forgive farmers’ student loans. Which is ironic in that other graduates are taking years to pay back their loans because they spent their college years just getting plowed.

A new device reportedly can tell if food contains any gluten or peanuts for people who are on special diets or have allergies. If that works, Americans are looking forward to a device that tells if food is edible with the necessary amounts of salt, fat and sugar.

Hillary Clinton says Donald Trump is not qualified to be President because of his “irresponsible, dangerous and reckless comments.” What’s worse is those comments  are mostly his proposed policies.

Mario Andretti and the IRE will give 200 mph race car rides to fans at a cost of $3,300. Not to say that at 76 years of age Andretti may be a bit old, but fans are complaining he doesn’t get out of second gear and when one of the other drivers passes him he yells out “Slow down, you punk. What do you think this is, the Indy 500?!”

Mario Andretti and the IRE will give 200 mph race car rides to fans at a cost of $3,300. For those who are afraid of going that fast, Al Cowlings is offering an alternative ride in a slow moving white Bronco up the 405 Freeway with several police cars in slow pursuit.

The median price of homes in Santa Clara County in California have reached $1 Million for the first time. The good news is that is the middle ground, so a one bedroom fixer upper in the garlic capital of Gilroy is still a bargain at only $850,000.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. Her first assignment will be a cover story detailing the Mediterranean style design  and construction of the new custom home specially built for Malibu Barbie.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. There will be special design tips on how to clear up more wall space inside a home to hang more posters of Harry Styles, Justin Bieber and the Kardashians.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. The first edition under her supervision will show how to landscape a backyard with a rose garden and fountain but still leave enough room to fit in a trampoline.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. The first issue features a dream home mansion with 25 rooms, each furnished with bean bag chairs positioned in front of a PlayStation 4.

The CW says 40% of its programming will be made up of superhero shows. The other 60% will be the usual mere mortals who are mostly good looking teenagers with completely messed up love lives.

The CDC says that 80% of public pools and hot tubs are in violation of health and safety codes. The worst ones are the ones that have signs asking the last person getting out of the pool to make sure to flush.

The CDC says that 80% of public pools and hot tubs are in violation of health and safety codes. The other 20% are in places that are in areas too remote or not luxurious enough for Paris Hilton to use.

The CDC says that 80% of public pools and hot tubs are in violation of health and safety codes. If nothing else, at least they allow people to experience what it is like to be a fish swimming in the East River.

A study says that 25 Million Americans will have vision problems by 2050. Or did the report say 37 Million Americans by 2090? It is too hard to read that small font they use.

A study says that 25 Million Americans will have vision problems by 2050. Which is ironic in that they won’t be able to read any of the texts they are sent on the cellphones that squinting at the screen all day made them lose their eyesight in the first place.

Researchers say they have identified four genes responsible for the shape of people’s noses. Or as teenage girls in Beverly Hills know that, Dr. Schwartz.

The WHO says the life expectancy around the world has increased by five years since 2000. Which is amazing when taking into account that it would be even higher without the ten year drop for people living in Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq.

The WHO says the life expectancy around the world has increased by five years since 2000. Which is good news that the global economic crisis has been able to cut down the lives shortened by obesity as no one can even afford two meals a day anymore.

Johns Hopkins University says its medical school will no longer use live animals to train students. Hopefully they will instead go back to the old way of training them with qualified professors.

Johns Hopkins University says its medical school will no longer use live animals to train students. Which is ironic as most of their graduates will be making a living because of the animals that eventually ended up at McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King.

A month after the death of Prince there is still no autopsy report. It’s taken so long that if he had survived his health emergency he would have died by now anyway from old age.

The Pro Bowl is reportedly moving from Hawaii to the Citrus Bowl in Orlando. Which will make for a much more exciting spectacle. Not the game, but watching the players trying to get from the parking lot into the stadium without getting mugged.

The Pro Bowl is reportedly moving from Hawaii to the Citrus Bowl in Orlando. If for no other reason it will mean for people on the east coast the game will be over and out of everyone’s mind six hours earlier.

Atlanta Braves shortstop Erik Aybar was taken to the hospital to have a chicken bone removed from his throat. And you thought when the Braves made the playoffs 14 straight years with one World Series win was when they were most likely to choke.

A prisoner in Ireland had to undergo surgery after swallowing a cellphone. Some people will do anything to get out of having to come to the dinner table on “haggis night.”

A prisoner in Ireland had to undergo surgery after swallowing a cellphone. It may have been a mobile gadget but definitely will not be described by anyone as a “smartphone.”

A robot made in Taiwan won a $100,000 competition to create a painting in the style of a master. The sad part for the machines is their works don’t really increase in value until after the robot has been recycled.

A robot made in Taiwan won a $100,000 competition to create a painting in the style of a master. Although the robots will never match humans when it comes to art, because even when they paint by numbers they can only use a series of ones and zeros.

AT&T has introduced an unlimited data plan for cars for $40 a month. Which is a great deal for anyone driving a Chrysler who doesn’t have to worry about being charged extra for staying online for several hours waiting for the tow truck to finally arrive.

A study says that 85% of Americans have never used Uber or Airbnb. Mostly because in this economy, most people’s idea of traveling and lodging is hitchhiking to where they are going and sleeping overnight in the Greyhound bus terminal.

A high tech NASA balloon is making a trip around the world for scientific experiments. The only question is how bad has NASA slipped when they consider any balloon “high tech”?

A high tech NASA balloon is making a trip around the world for scientific experiments. This is the agency that operates the International Space Station and Hubble Telescope. How much out of favor are the people who have been assigned to that project?

Scientists say they have created a synthetic replica of Dom Perignon for a quarter of the price. To which Skid Row winos are saying they have done that for years with just some Kool-Aid and Aqua Velva.

A LinkedIn breach in 2012 reportedly compromised more than 100 Million accounts. The only question is why would anyone want the personal information from members of a site who are all looking for work?

Donald Trump made an appearance at a Chris Christie fundraiser where he asked the New Jersey Governor if he had stopped eating Oreos. To which Christie says he is still just eating the fish they throw him every day when he swims around the tank.

Donald Trump asked “who cares?” about a trade war with China. Mostly anyone trading with us always loses as we haven’t actually made anything in this country since 1993.

Donald Trump was quoted back in 2006 that he hoped the real estate market crashed so he could buy cheap property. Apparently that is his plan behind running for President, knowing that when he wins the entire country will sell for pennies on the dollar by 2017.

A report says Donald Trump once proposed a race-based season of “The Apprentice” where teams competed against each other based on skin color. Since it wasn’t picked up by NBC, he decided to instead save the format to use in the general election.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, which I am sure you are already well aware of. That means two full days of fun, relaxation and no jokes from me. While you have a few moments of free time, I hope you will take one last opportunity to donate money to the Cystic Fibrosis Great Strides Walk held last weekend. It is still not too late to open your hearts and wallets and kick in a few dollars to help find a cure for the illness that took my wife five years ago. This will be my last attempt at asking for contributions, so I hope you will just click on the picture of me and my wife Karen which will take you right to the site. Nothing could be easier when it comes to helping people live a long and healthy life and showing the best way possible to send the love!

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump unveiled a list of potential Supreme Court nominees if he is elected President. It was easy for Trump to come up with a list of judges seeing as how much time he has spent in court for bankruptcy, divorce and lawsuits over Trump University.

CBS says six new shows for the upcoming season which are being criticized for having white males in the lead role are still “more diverse.” At least more than their audience, as the characters are all under 80.

CBS says six new shows for the upcoming season which are being criticized for having white males in the lead role are still “more diverse.” At least more than if the series were all based in Silicon Valley.

A survey says that Washington, D.C. is the fittest city in the nation. Mostly because the jobs there only require about three days of work a year, but to keep them the rest of the time is spent running.

A survey says that Washington, D.C. is the fittest city in the nation. Especially the lobbyists who have to really be in great shape to carry all those cash bribes from K Street to the Capitol Building.

A fortune teller in Virginia has pleaded guilty to stealing more than $1 Million from clients in order to “lift their curse.” Although she may reverse her plea as now that she is in jail, what she did actually worked.

A report says the TSA collected $765,000 in unclaimed change at security checkpoints in 2015. Mostly tips left behind from people who weren’t made to go through the naked body scanner.

A report says the TSA collected $765,000 in unclaimed change at security checkpoints in 2015. However, the airlines are now suing to collect saying that money should have been theirs when it fell out as passengers wiggled their large behinds trying to fit into the tiny seats.

Students at a UK university were told to mime throwing their mortarboard at graduation for safety purposes. That’s what happens when all the athletes over there play a sport where they never get to use their hands.

Students at a UK university were told to mime throwing their mortarboard at graduation for safety purposes. In the U.S., graduating students are instead being told to use their imaginations and mime something much more unlikely to ever happen, like writing their last check to pay off their student loans.

Parents are complaining of a dentists’ restraining device called the “papoose board” that keeps children from struggling during office visits, claiming their kids were tortured and traumatized. Otherwise known as going to see the dentist.

Parents are complaining of a dentists’ restraining device called the “papoose board” that keeps children from struggling during office visits, claiming their kids were tortured and traumatized. Which is different than how the dentists torture and traumatize their parents when they send them the bill.

A five year old girl in Colorado was suspended for bringing a “bubble gun” to school. The girl’s parents apologized, saying next time they will only send her to school with a Colorado school-approved AK-47.

An Australian fisherman says he fought off crocodiles circling his capsized boat by throwing tools and spark plugs at them. Unfortunately, he didn’t have his cellphone with him or he would have instead just called for some gator aid.

An Australian fisherman says he fought off crocodiles circling his capsized boat by throwing tools and spark plugs at them. Who knew that reptile protection was also a service offered by Mr. Goodwrench?

Researchers say April was the twelfth straight month of record global temperatures. The worst part was getting their twelfth straight card addressed from Al Gore saying “I told you so.”

Donald Trump is set to meet with Henry Kissinger over foreign policy. Apparently Kissinger will update him on the latest strategy he should employ to deal with the Soviet Union and the latest covert missions in Cambodia.

Iran wants the U.S. to pay for 63 years of “spiritual and material” damage. To which the U.S. is asking how can they even tell?

Iran wants the U.S. to pay for 63 years of “spiritual and material” damage. The only question is what happened there since 1953 that makes the country any different than it was in the 12th century?

Iran wants the U.S. to pay for 63 years of “spiritual and material” damage. To which Congress is asking if they want cash or will take a check for the $15.75?

A report says airlines expect a record number of passengers over the summer. Mostly because of all the people who booked flights in the spring but are still waiting to get through the TSA security lines.

Danish researchers are being criticized for releasing personal data they were studying on dating site OKCupid. Members of the site were concerned about possible ID theft, privacy invasion and mostly that their wives will find out.

Danish researchers are being criticized for releasing personal data they were studying on dating site OKCupid. Other researchers say the study is already in doubt just because it is based on information that people put on their dating site profiles.

Donald Trump says his business has been flourishing since his presidential run. Mostly because he is too busy campaigning to be in charge like with the other ventures he ran into the ground.

A study says that auto title loans charge as much as 300% interest, have long repayment times and have a high repossession rate. Which turns out to be pretty much the same experience as buying a new car from Chrysler.

A poll says 42% of Americans feel the U.S. economy is good while two thirds feel their household budget is good. Mostly because their own situation doesn’t look so bad when they compare it to being $18 Trillion in debt.

A study is linking potatoes with high blood pressure. Mostly the people who sit down at the dinner table and yell out “Potatoes again?!”

A poll says the majority of Americans have no will. But then why pay a lawyer to draft up a trust when they lost their house, can’t afford a car and have $22.50 in their retirement account?

A study says a mother’s voice is recognized in less than a second by her children and affects their entire brain. Mostly as a survival response to hide what it is they are doing to keep from being grounded for life.

A Massachusetts man who received the first successful penis transplant in the U.S. says he wants to take the donor’s family out for some doughnuts. To which Caitlyn Jenner says it’s a nice offer but really not necessary.

A Massachusetts man who received the nation’s first successful penis transplant says he wants to take the donor’s family out for doughnuts. The awkward part will be where he uses one of the doughnuts to demonstrate how well his new member is working.

A study says that being overbooked is good for the brain. Which is finally some good news for the people who are working four minimum wage jobs at once trying to make ends meet.

A study says that being overbooked is good for the brain. Which United Airlines says is just another benefit of traveling with them after they already sold your seat and having to figure out how to make last minute reservations with another airline.

A North Carolina school district is considering banning skinny jeans. Which is going to be an inconvenience for the three people in North Carolina who are actually able to fit into a pair of skinny jeans.

Mets pitcher Bartolo Colon is being sued for failing to pay child support. Although apparently the 285 pound hurler has no problem paying off his monthly bill over at Krispy Kreme.

The University of Alabama has offered a football scholarship to an eighth grader. Which isn’t that unusual considering most eighth graders in Alabama are 17 years old.

Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner is blaming his players and not manager Joe Girardi for the team’s slow start. Which means Girardi has about another two weeks before he cleans out his locker.

Marco Rubio is suggesting a statue of Tim Tebow be placed in the U.S. Capitol Statuary Hall to represent Florida. At first he suggested Jameis Winston until he was told it was “statuary” and not “statutory.”

Marco Rubio is suggesting a statue of Tim Tebow be placed in the U.S. Capitol Statuary Hall to represent Florida. Mostly because he could have entered the state’s primary election and gotten more votes than Rubio or Jeb Bush did their entire campaigns.

Tiger pitcher Justin Verlander notched his 2,000th career strikeout. Although that has nothing on his most impressive statistic of being the only one who was able to avoid striking out when it came to going out with Kate Upton.

Netflix has launched Fast.com, a site that tests Internet speed. Which isn’t necessary for people who have AOL and find it takes less time to binge watch their favorite shows by just sitting on the couch for an entire week and wait for the next episode to air on TV.

A study says information that is gleaned from calls and texts can reveal a large amount of personal data. Especially if the calls and texts are all coming from the phone of Anthony Weiner.

The CEO of Gap says he would like to be able to sell merchandise through Amazon.com. Although the way sales have been going at the retailer lately, he might start trying to unload it on eBay.

San Jose has been rated as the best city for jobs. Mostly because even though most the people there make minimum wage, the fact that Mark Zuckerberg, Sergei Brin and Larry Page live in the area drives the average wage for everyone up to $150,000 a year.

A new dinosaur species has reportedly been found in the American southwest. It is the first prehistoric specimen to be discovered in that part of the country since the first Senate term of John McCain.

Google has filed for a patent for a type of glue that would stick pedestrians hit by self-driving cars to the hood. Which would also make for a faster and more convenient method to pick up and give a ride to hitchhikers.

Donald Trump is helping Chris Christie pay off legal and campaign bills by appearing at a fundraising dinner. Although to make sure that some money is actually left over from the event featuring Christie, it won’t be buffet style.

Donald Trump has tapped longtime Washington, D.C. operative A.B. Culvahouse, Jr. to lead his search for a vice presidential candidate. He is the person who helped John McCain select Sarah Palin in 2008. What’s next, having his official campaign web page designed by the team that came up with the Obamacare site?

The congressional Benghazi panel says it may deliver its final report either right before the political conventions or the general election. And if those don’t work then they will just keep going right through the end of Hillary Clinton’s second term as President.

North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory says that Congress should step in on the transgender bathroom controversy overtaking his state. The only problem is the last time Congress got involved in a bathroom issue, it was over Larry Craig’s wide stance.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! There is still time to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk which was last week, but the need for money is year round. The Foundation has one of the lowest overheads of any charity, meaning most the money donated goes for research to help find a cure for the illness. It would be a great way to show your appreciation for the jokes I supply for free every day. And I will continue to write the jokes anyway, so don’t be concerned that a donation will only encourage me. Just click on the picture of me with my wife Karen who was taken from us by Cystic Fibrosis just five years ago. It would mean a lot to me, and would be a nice way of showing everyone fighting the illness that you really are sending the love!

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Central banks around the world have dumped $123 Billion in U.S. debt already this year. Which will be an inconvenience for the U.S. Treasury which will have to stay open a few extra nights this week printing up that much extra money to make up for it.

Central banks around the world have dumped $123 Billion in U.S. debt already this year. If someone else doesn’t pick it up, the government may have to shut down for the three hours it costs that much to run it.

A study by British doctors says that people’s thoughts continue after their heart stops. Mostly hoping that it doesn’t get started up again so that someone else gets stuck paying off the medical bill.

A newlywed Saudi husband divorced his wife after the ceremony because she was too busy texting her friends to have sex on their wedding night. Even Britney Spears is saying that they should wait at least 55 hours before making such a final decision.

A newlywed Saudi husband divorced his wife after the ceremony because she was too busy texting her friends to have sex on their wedding night. Even Anthony Weiner is asking what kind of texting could be so bad that it could break up a marriage?

Casinos in Macao are experimenting with robotic dealers and croupiers as business continues to drop. Now if they could only figure out a way to get robotic players who aren’t interested in getting back in the buffet line every 15 minutes.

A Virginia high school student set world’s record by doing more than 7,300 pull-ups in 24 hours. Which was confusing to most teenagers who think of “pull-ups” as what boys have to do when their baggy pants fall down around their ankles.

A North Carolina man was bitten by a copperhead snake in the lawn and garden department at a Lowe’s store. The good news is the store sold out of its Astroturf lawn supply as people figured it must look pretty realistic to even fool the snake.

A study says that magic mushrooms can be used to help people suffering depression. Especially when taking them not only helps them forget their issues, but who they even are.

A Colorado woman is being accused of taking two children she was babysitting with her to rob a bank. Her excuse was that it would have been irresponsible to leave them at home unattended.

A Colorado woman is being accused of taking two children she was babysitting with her to rob a bank. She says if she had to do it over she would have thought more of the kids and instead robbed a Chuck E. Cheese.

Chicago airports are telling travelers that to get through security checks in time for their flights they should arrive three hours early. The good news is that flyers have to check out of their rooms so early to get there they save paying the last night of their hotel stay.

Maine set a record with four inches of snowfall in May earlier this week. They usually have at least eight inches on the ground right before Memorial Day.

“Miracle On Ice” goaltender Jim Craig is selling his Olympic gold medal along with other memorabilia. Which answers the question “Do you believe in living out your golden years debt free while trying to pay off your kids’ college tuition loans? Yes!”

A British bookmaker says there is a 73% chance the UK will vote next month to stay in the European Union. The other 27% are saying they want the choice to stay in the EU but lose the Royal Family.

A Burger King restaurant in Finland is opening an in-store spa. Apparently the people there want more than their burgers to be flame broiled.

A Burger King restaurant in Finland is opening an in-store spa. Although most people say eating lunch next to a fat, naked guy is not having it their way.

The International Space Station has orbited the Earth for the 100,000th time. Although the Soviet cosmonauts are getting a little tired of the 15 times a day the American astronauts look out the window and yell out “Hey, I think I can see my house from here!”

A study by ABC says that TV ads are more effective than digital. Mostly because people who are online don’t have the attention span to sit through the commercials that are played before their favorite cat videos.

Taco Bell is going for an upscale look at some of their restaurants. They are appealing to a higher class of customer by placing copies of the Wall Street Journal for people to read for the three hours they spend in the restroom following their meal.

Taco Bell is going for an upscale look at some of their restaurants. The chain is trying to compete with other fast casual locations. But then what is more fast and casual than eating a Chalupa and feeling overdressed because you are still in your jammies?

Taco Bell is going for an upscale look at some of their restaurants. They are trying to compete with other fast casual locations like Chipotle. The only problem so far is trying to duplicate a salsa that is unmistakably bursting with the taste of E.coli.

Taco Bell is going for an upscale look at some of their restaurants. Just like the McDonald’s that have servers in tuxedos who are standing by to operate the defibrillators.

Vintners in Minnesota and Wisconsin saw huge swaths of grapes ruined by the weekend cold snap. Fortunately, the weather spared the farmers who stayed with the more traditional regional crop of tundra.

American Airlines says it will no longer make gate announcements towards the end of their flights. They are following the lead of United that stopped the announcements because after arriving three hours late it wasn’t like anyone was going to make a connecting flight anyways.

A report says that college graduates are facing the best job market in years. Meaning in order to make a living and pay off all their loans, they will only have to work four jobs simultaneously for the next 40 years.

A report says that college graduates are facing the best job market in years. No one had any idea there were that many new locations of 7-Eleven, GoMart and Speedway.

A study says that dads’ age and lifestyle play a bigger role in a baby’s health than was previously thought. Which means the children of Michael Douglas and Charlie Sheen should spend their teen years making sure they have their affairs in order.

A study says that married people are less likely to have a drinking problem than those who are single. Mostly because the married people who do develop a drinking problem find it doesn’t take long before they are single again.

A study says that married people are less likely to have a drinking problem than those who are single. Which is ironic, especially for the people who got married so they wouldn’t have to drink alone anymore.

A study says that genetically modified crops present no risk to human health. Which is good news for the three Americans who still eat fruits and vegetables of any kind.

A study says that genetically modified crops present no risk to human health. Mostly because Americans have already seen their bodies genetically modified from skipping vegetables and eating fast food.

A study says that 30% of female physicians say they were sexually harassed. That doesn’t even include the ones who when they were 8 years old had all the neighborhood boys asking if they wanted to play “doctor.”

A London anthropologist says that humans’ monogamous culture dates back 1,000 years. To which most men when they hear that say isn’t it time to take a little break?

A study says that UK teens and toddlers are at a greater risk of poisoning than was realized. Especially the ones who are able to open the refrigerator and start eating leftovers before they realize it is last night’s haggis.

A study says that half of all heart attack victims in the U.S. didn’t know they had one. Apparently they mistook the symptoms of sweating and chest pains were just the excitement they felt before tearing into their daily breakfast of Krispy Kreme donuts.

Khloe Kardashian says it was tough to separate from her husband Lamar Odom as she doesn’t believe in divorce, and that she follows the Christian beliefs of her late father Robert Kardashian. Who interestingly enough was the lawyer for O.J. Simpson who also found a way to end a marriage without divorce.

Khloe Kardashian says it was tough to separate from her husband Lamar Odom as she doesn’t believe in divorce. Although it’s easy for someone to change their mind about that when their spouse ends up overdosing on drugs on a weekend stay at a brothel.

Ben Affleck’s new movie “The Accountant” is about a math genius who ends up on the wrong side of the law. Which apparently is based on the true life story of the tax preparer who is still in hiding along with Donald Trump’s federal returns.

Atlanta Braves Manager Fredi Gonzalez says he found out he was fired when he got an e-mail for a flight home in the middle of a road trip. He says it wasn’t the fact he was being sent home early that tipped him off, but the fact the trip was booked on United.

Former baseball star Lenny Dykstra says he used to put HGH on his morning cereal. Which explains why he was always so cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Former baseball star Lenny Dykstra says he used to put HGH on his morning cereal. Which changed the makeup of his Lucky Charms to “yellow moons, green clovers, pink hypodermic needles.”

Former baseball star Lenny Dykstra says he used to put HGH on his morning cereal. In fact, before he started adding them to his Frosted Flakes, Tony the Tiger was still just a tabby cat.

Kobe Bryant’s new shoes from Nike are called “The Black Mamba.” Not to say that Kobe is getting a little old, but the shoes come with inserts designed by Dr. Scholl.

Google has filed for a patent for protecting pedestrians from self-driving cars with an adhesive that makes them stick to the hood of the car. Which will make it awkward when someone hits a nun crossing the street and everyone wonders what kind of car has a penguin for a hood ornament.

Google has filed for a patent for protecting pedestrians from self-driving cars with an adhesive that makes them stick to the hood of the car. Which in southern California would make for a great trophy to bag something as rare as an L.A. pedestrian.

A survey says that eighth grade girls beat boys in tech and engineering literacy tests. Educators were surprised. There are students who stay in school until the eighth grade?

Iraq has been blocking the Internet periodically to stop widespread cheating on school exams. Which means if they were going to try that in the U.S. there would be no online access from September through May.

Iraq has been blocking the Internet periodically to stop widespread cheating on school exams. Mostly because it is easier to do that than go around to the kids texting answers back and forth and chop off all their fingers.

Iraq has been blocking the Internet periodically to stop widespread cheating on school exams. Apparently the students were going online instead of using their own knowledge when it came to ways to show they could improvise a suicide bomb.

Donald Trump told Megyn Kelly that the term “bimbo” isn’t bad and suggested she has been “called a lot worse.” Although probably never anything as insulting and degrading as “Mrs. Donald Trump.”

A report says Bill Clinton made $5 Million in speaking fees last year. He has found that his ability to speak has made him rich and famous beyond his wildest dreams, just as long as he remembers to not make any of his comments while under oath.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Again I am going to say thanks to the people who donated to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strikes Walk last week. I am still asking all of the other readers to try to dig up a few dollars and also contribute to a great charity. It’s tax deductible and your money will go to help find a cure for the illness that takes way too many young people. Just click on the picture of me and my late wife Karen who was taken from us by CF just five years ago. It will take you right to the site and the rest is easy. There is no easier and more satisfying way of showing that you really are sending the love!

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Long security lines at airports have caused thousands of passengers to miss their flights, to which DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson says it’s because their job is to “keep Americans safe.” Mostly by making it take as long as possible before they let people through the lines and into the hands of the airlines.

Donald Trump says little is off limits as he plans a full attack on Hillary Clinton’s character. Apparently his attitude is why should he treat her like any other woman in his life?

NASA is planning on developing “hibernation” chambers where people would sleep up to 14 straight days on long space flights. To make sure they stay asleep, the chambers will come with movie screens that constantly play a series of Ben Affleck films.

A report says that constantly using smartphones and laptops is making some people hunchbacked. The good news is that there are plenty of applicants every time a church puts out a help wanted ad for a bellringer.

A study says that students who use laptops and tablets in class perform worse on tests. Mostly because they are the ones who haven’t learned yet how to hide using a smartphone or smartwatch to cheat while taking the tests.

A study says that students who use laptops and tablets in class perform worse on tests. Mostly because unlike in class, the tests aren’t about making it to level eight of “Assassin’s Creed.”

A proposed skyscraper in London is going to be made from wood. If that is a new trend, instead of searching for bombs international terrorists will have to be checked out to see if they are carrying any termites.

A 116 year old Italian woman who is now the world’s oldest person says the secret to her longevity is staying single. Although she says she hasn’t had much luck on Match.com, even though admitting she lied and posted her age as only 110.

A 116 year old Italian woman who is now the world’s oldest person says the secret to her longevity is staying single. Although she says she has gotten a few recent phone calls and offers to go out on a dinner date with Larry Fortensky.

A study says that going to church could help people live longer lives. At least for the men as long as their wives never find out what they are admitting to when they are in the confessional.

A court has ordered a town in Mississippi to desegregate their schools. Apparently local school board members never got that memo that was sent out to everyone else back in 1962.

A court has ordered a town in Mississippi to desegregate their schools. Local school board members wold have done it in 1954 but were just making sure there were not going to be any last minute challenges to Brown v. Board of Education.

Sinead O’Connor was found in Chicago after being reported missing for more than a day. People were surprised. The last they had ever heard from her was sometime back in 1993.

New doggy meds are available for noise related anxiety. As opposed to the noise anxiety their owners experience when they hear their girlfriend’s husband coming home early.

Police in Colombia made a drug bust that netted them eight tons of cocaine. In a related story, the Coachella Music Festival has been put on hiatus for at least the next three years.

Goldman Sachs is offering savings accounts to people with as little as $1 to start that will pay 1.05% interest. Which is great news for the people who are paying off a college loan with a minimum wage job who will now be able to retire at age 97 instead of 98.

Goldman Sachs is offering savings accounts to people with as little as $1 to start that will pay 1.05% interest. The only problem is the people who don’t even have a dollar to their name after losing everything in the 2008 recession caused by Goldman Sachs.

Hillary Clinton says she will put Bill Clinton in charge of fixing the economy. His first plan is to save the White House millions of dollars in operating expenses by replacing all the salaried workers with interns.

A teacher who lost weight on a McDonald’s fad diet is no longer visiting schools to give lectures about fast food. Remember the days when kids would put an apple on their teacher’s desk instead of a Big Mac?

Nike released a report saying most of its employees aren’t white. There is also a good mix of male and female workers, meaning that the shoes their customers are wearing have an equal chance of being made by a six year old Asian boy or girl.

A report says that Saudi Arabia owns $117 Billion of the U.S. debt. Apparently that means the other $17.9 Trillion we owe is to China for all the cheap crap they keep putting on the shelves in our stores.

A poll says the economy continues to rank as the top problem for most Americans. Which is good news in that at least it keeps our minds off the problems the country has with drugs, education and terrorism.

A report says that half of Americans say they are cutting back on their Internet use because of the fear of ID theft, hacking and privacy concerns. Not to mention losing half of what they own if their wives ever find out what they are doing online.

Donald Trump says he expects a “difficult relationship” with UK Prime Minister David Cameron. Why should foreign leaders expect anything different from Trump than the way he treats other politicians here?

Donald Trump says he expects a “difficult relationship” with UK Prime Minister David Cameron. Although he expects things will be different once he is elected and sends in the first wave of bombers over England.

Goldman Sachs is predicting the price of oil will reach $50 this year. Mostly because demand is back up, production is down and oil company executives are shopping for their new summer vacation homes.

A study says that nearly half of the heart attacks in the U.S. are “silent,” where the victim didn’t even realize it. Especially the ones who have a second heart attack while they are still in the hospital and are given their doctor’s bill for the first.

Experts say doctors should be more proactive in discussing gun safety with their patients. Especially the ones who want to make sure their patients aren’t armed when they give them their latest bill.

The Australian Olympic team says it will combat the Zika virus by giving its members anti-viral condoms. Remember when Olympians were only interested in wrapping themselves in their country’s flag?

The Australian Olympic team says it will combat the Zika virus by giving its members anti-viral condoms. And who better to lead the effort to stop the spread of a sexually transmitted disease than the athletes from Down Under.

A study says apps that promise to calculate women’s fertile days are often inaccurate. As opposed to the old method of determining when they are most likely to get pregnant, right after they went bar hopping and can’t remember what happened the night before.

The first penis transplant was performed in the U.S. The only problem is that the recipient found out all the potential donors were the ones who made the short list.

The first penis transplant was performed in the U.S. The good news is that if the recipient ever has trouble in bed, he can always blame it on the guy he got it from.

Researchers say the ability to smell food gets weaker as people age. Which is why there always seem to be so many elderly people on those group tours of England.

Researchers say the ability to smell food gets weaker as people age. Which is no surprise, considering how the elderly are the only ones who don’t notice the odor that is always around their house.

A report says that parents often keep opioids that were prescribed to their children, even after they are over their illness. Mostly so they can take the drugs themselves once their kids are back to their usual behavior.

Medical marijuana has been legalized in Australia. Which makes the new catch phrase around the country “Put another pizza, some Oreos and Doritos on the barbee.”

A poll says a majority of Americans support a federally funded healthcare system. Which means the architects of Obamacare were brilliant in making the system so bad that people would want a federal health program like they planned all along.

A study says car windows do nothing to protect people inside the cars from harmful solar rays. The good news is when people’s fingers get so sunburned they can’t use them to text while driving.

The Philadelphia 76ers are the first team in the NBA to sell a jersey advertisement, to StubHub. Apparently the ticket agency is hoping that people at 76ers games will use the number to call for tickets to sporting events that are actually worth watching.

The Atlanta Falcons will be cutting food and drink prices at their new Mercedes-Benz Stadium opening next year. Not only that, but vendors at the stadium named after a luxury car will also serve all their hot dogs with Grey Poupon mustard.

The Atlanta Falcons will be cutting food and drink prices at their new Mercedes-Benz Stadium opening next year. Not to be outdone, Yankee Stadium announced they will follow suit and offer a hot dog and beer for a one time low price of $175.

Tim Duncan was noncommittal about his future after the San Antonio Spurs were knocked out of the playoffs. Mostly because at his age he only plans what he will have for breakfast after he wakes up and sees he has made it to another day.

The government says it will open a bureau to look at personal social networking records before hiring job applicants. Apparently it is a matter of national security to see what potential hires are eating for lunch and how many cat videos they have posted.

A report says the TSA lost more than 4,500 employees and hired only 373 in 2014. Those were probably the ones who could only take so much of having to be subjected to watching hundreds of passengers go through the naked body scanner every day.

Researchers say there is a 9% chance of a direct hit by a tsunami on Hawaii in the next 50 years. The 91% chance of no giant waves will depend on whether or not Chris Christie ever shows up asking to try some cliff diving.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus says that “diversity is important” when picking a vice presidential candidate for Donald Trump. That favors a running mate who is different than Trump, meaning someone who is not necessarily white, male or completely insane.

The CIA claims it “mistakenly” destroyed a 6,700 page report of a Senate investigation of torture. Agency director John Brennan says it was his fault for leaving a 6,700 page report out to where his dog could eat it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks again to all of you who donated to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk last week. We have a new donor, Carol Melton who generously gave to the cause, earning my extreme appreciation. It is still not too late, all you have to do is click on the picture of me and my late wife Karen and it will take you right to the site where you can give any amount you like. It is the best way any of you can make the effort to really send the love!

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Venezuelan President Nicola Maduro has declared a 60 day state of emergency, claiming the U.S. is trying to topple his government. He doesn’t realize U.S. voters are too busy working on toppling their own government by electing Donald Trump President.

Venezuelan President Nicola Maduro has declared a 60 day state of emergency, claiming the U.S. is trying to topple his government. The question is how much worse can things be in Venezuela in the next 60 days than they’ve been the past 60 years?

A report says that Mark Zuckerberg’s total wealth spread out works to him earning $4.4 Million every day of his life. Which means when he was 10, that must have been one impressive lemonade stand and paper route he was running.

A high school pitcher in Cleveland struck out every opposing batter in a perfect game. Major league scouts say they have never seen that many whiffs from one pitcher other than the guy who throws batting practice for the Atlanta Braves.

NBC has canceled five shows to clear the way for the new season. The only question is what were the guidelines they used to keep the rest of their primetime lineup on the air?

NBC has canceled five shows to clear the way for the new season. The question is how low was the viewership for those shows if CBS had high enough ratings to renew “Two Broke Girls”?

A report says Millennials are not in love with buying diamonds. Mostly because the industry standard for an engagement ring is two months’ salary, which at minimum wage means putting a down payment on a piece of coal and waiting two billion years.

A report says Millennials are not in love with buying diamonds. Mostly because it’s hard for someone to buy anything else on time when they will be living in their parents’ basement until they are 60 trying to pay off their college loans.

Texas Republicans have struck a resolution from their platform to secede from the U.S. Apparently they are going to be like the other 49 states and wait on that decision until Donald Trump is elected President.

Texas Republicans have struck a resolution from their platform to secede from the U.S. Apparently the tipping point will be when the federal government orders them to install transgender bathrooms at the Alamo.

Susan Mushatt Jones, the world’s oldest person has died in New York at age 116. It takes real dedication to have a goal that takes so long to achieve and usually only lasts a few weeks.

Former CIA head Michael Hayden says the agency works off an equation of risk= threat x vulnerability x consequence. In other words, the CIA knows their workload is about to double the day Donald Trump is elected President.

Former CIA head Michael Hayden says the agency works off an equation of risk= threat x vulnerability x consequence. Or as most Americans know that, the formula for trying to get through the TSA airport security check and onto their plane.

Donald Trump is denying he posed as a publicist in 1991 to brag about himself. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would Trump ever need to hire someone else to do what he does best?

A study says that most road rage incidents happen around 6:00 pm on Friday. Especially in Los Angeles, where people tend to get a little testy on the freeway around that time after not moving from the same spot since 10:00 am on Wednesday.

Puerto Rico is trying to ease tourism concerns about the Zika virus there. They are trying to divert their fears by telling them it could be worse. Like the fact they are now stuck on a bankrupt island with money that is pretty much worthless.

Joe’s Crab Shack is ditching its no tipping policy after customer complaints. Apparently with no chance of getting tipped, the only crabs that people ever saw at their tables were the wait staff.

Joe’s Crab Shack is ditching its no tipping policy after customer complaints. Apparently most people feel if they wanted to have seafood served with an attitude, they would have ordered a Filet-O-Fish sandwich at McDonald’s.

A report says that one third of Americans who visited the hospital received a surprise medical bill. Mostly the one that says “Surprise! We now own your home.”

A report says that one third of Americans who visited the hospital received a surprise medical bill. The families of the other two thirds were surprised by instead getting their final bill from the mortician.

GM has stopped selling some SUVs because the mileage estimates were overstated. Especially the ones that gave the impression that a full tank would be enough to get them to the next gas station.

GM has stopped selling some SUVs because the mileage estimates were overstated. The carmaker wanted to make sure people knew if they had enough gas to make it back to the dealership when they sent out their next recall.
 

A study says that college graduates are not avoiding buying homes. In fact, they are fine with the idea that paying off their college tuition loans and taking out a mortgage will  postpone their retirement plans until they are 97.

Kellogg’s has launched Orange Crush and A&W Root Beer flavored Pop-Tarts. Because what better way to get kids off to a good start than with the idea that a nutritious breakfast begins by combining pastries with soft drinks?

Subaru is warning some car owners to stop driving their vehicles as they may be at risk for steering failure. Which is the opposite problem over at Fiat Chrysler where their cars get into trouble when the owners are actually able to steer them out onto the highway.

A survey says 3 out of 10 U.S. workers see themselves working past the retirement age of 67. The other 7 are waiting on making that decision until they are actually able to find a job.

A survey says 3 out of 10 U.S. workers see themselves working past the retirement age of 67. The other 7 are already in their 80s and don’t see any changes in that scenario for another 10 years.

A survey says 3 out of 10 U.S. workers see themselves working past the retirement age of 67. Which is incredibly optimistic for those people in thinking they will be able to find any work once they even reach 50.

The FDA is warning that sweetener used in chewing gum could be deadly for dogs. Now if they would only be as diligent for the 2 Million people who have serious reactions every year to drugs that the FDA has approved for use by humans.

A study says there is a link people with high blood pressure who drink alcohol and heart damage. Especially the people who watch the evening news and the financial channels and then develop both high blood pressure and a drinking problem.

Dartmouth football coach Buddy Teevens says tackle free practices lead to a reduced number of concussions. Although it’s easy to have a winning record while not practicing tackling when your schedule includes Harvard, Princeton and Yale.

Dartmouth football coach Buddy Teevens says tackle free practices lead to a reduced number of concussions. Reducing concussions through no tackling is great news for all the NFL teams who are scheduled to play against the Oakland Raiders at least once.

A survey says 8 in 10 people who abused prescription drugs say they did so to treat pain. Mostly the pain they developed from having to work another two full time jobs to pay off their monthly pharmacy bill.

Ozzy Osbourne says his wife Sharon is still the boss. Mostly because she is the one who still in control of the key to the medicine cabinet.

An expert says Woody Allen’s career won’t be affected by assault claims by his children. Mostly because his career has pretty much been stagnant since 1993.

Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank says before he can approve the Raiders moving to Las Vegas, he needs to be shown proof the city can support a team. The best evidence is that the city generates enough business to keep Circus Circus open.

Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank says about the Raiders possibly moving to Las Vegas and its gambling that “we’d have to build a wall around the football operations and the franchise itself.” Which has to be taken as yet another endorsement for Donald Trump for President.

Some pottery that was appraised on “Antiques Roadshow” for $50,000 was found out to be a high school art project from the 1970s. Which is still not as bad as when the Mona Lisa was discovered stuck to the refrigerator door in the artists’ lounge at the Louvre.

Students at the University of California say Google harvested data by scanning their accounts without permission. Apparently Google thinks they can make some money from the students once they finish paying off the college loans in another 45 years.

An analysis says that CNBC host Jim Cramer’s advice doesn’t beat the market. Although all anyone has to do to beat the market from here on out is to wait until Donald Trump is elected President and say “Sell everything now!”

A new governing body for esports has been launched called WESA. The association will govern video game tournaments providing players an environment promoting maximum performance including pizza, plenty of energy drinks and a properly cushioned sofa.

The New York Times says that Donald Trump has a history of behavior with women that includes unwelcome romantic advances, rude comments and unsettling workplace conduct. It’s so bad that if Trump is elected President, White House workers will be represented by the Laborer’s International Union.

Las Vegas casino tycoon Sheldon Adelson says he will donate $100 Million to support Donald Trump’s presidential campaign. Which is ironic for someone who made his fortune collecting from people who put their money down with much better odds.

Missouri lawmakers have voted to dramatically expand the state’s gun rights. Apparently it is a budget maneuver in letting everyone carry a gun will do away with the need for police and judges and only require hiring more coroners.

A House panel is considering whether to impeach the head of the IRS for ignoring a subpoena and lying under oath. People were shocked. They thought impeachment was only done when oral sex was involved.

President Obama hosted a dinner with Nordic leaders and celebrities. People were optimistic when they heard a bunch of white people were invited to the White House as they thought President Obama was trying to make nice with members of Congress.

DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson says he has a ten point plan to get TSA security lines at airports moving faster. Leave it to the government to think plan with ten steps to it is going to speed up anything.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It was a successful event at the Great Strides Walk on Saturday. The local group reportedly raised more than $60,000! Special thanks to Marv Kaminsky, Dawn Warfield, Rick Foster and Catherine Bostic who gave generous donations even though I really didn’t get involved until the last minute. For those of you who like the blog and wouldn’t mind chipping in a few dollars, it isn’t too late. Just click on the picture of me and my late wife Karen and give whatever you can to help stamp out this affliction. Thanks in advance and to all of the above named who made the effort to really send the love!