Friday, April 17, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says the Army is suffering from low morale among soldiers who are dissatisfied with their jobs and distrust leadership. Which at least means they will have no trouble adjusting back into mainstream society after they leave the military.

An economist with Citi says it might be time to completely abolish cash. To which most Americans say they are way ahead of him since they haven’t actually had any cash since 2007.

A survey says the one third of the highest earners are living paycheck to paycheck. The worst part is the reason they are considered high earners is because they actually are still getting a paycheck.

Hillary Clinton flew coach on United from Nebraska to New Jersey, reportedly carrying her own luggage. Apparently she got the idea from her husband who has been lugging around all kinds of baggage since the 1990s.

Hillary Clinton flew coach on United from Nebraska to New Jersey. People were stunned. What could have made her want to fly to New Jersey?

Hillary Clinton flew coach on United from Nebraska to New Jersey. People were surprised. United had a flight that wasn’t canceled?

A Michigan auto shop owner has received a backlash because he says he won’t serve gays. He could have done the same thing without all the controversy if he just said he wasn’t able to work on Subarus.

Twitter says it is cracking down on abusive tweets. Which means the daily volume of tweets could drop from 500 Million a day down to somewhere around 12.

A report says the first person to live to be 1,000 years old may already be alive. That’s nothing new. And his name is Larry King.

A dental office manager in New York was arrested for posing as a dentist and actually pulled some teeth. Which is ironic as most office managers are the ones who say getting their staff to do any work is like pulling teeth.

A report says that 27.49% of all government spending is on healthcare. Which is good in that it leaves only only the other 72.51% that the government can use to start wars, meddle in other countries business and spying on Americans.

A report says that 27.49% of all government spending is on healthcare. The irony is that a lot of the healthcare spending is on people who become sick from worrying about where all their tax dollars are going.

Rand Paul says that as President he will get the IRS out of Americans’ lives. Mostly because his proposed economic policies will make everyone be poor enough so that they don’t qualify to pay any income taxes.

A Pennsylvania woman is blaming her coffee drinking parrot on a car crash. Police say the bird is sticking to its story about just simply asking for a cracker.

A Pennsylvania woman is blaming her coffee drinking parrot on a car crash. She says the bird was asking her to text to all her friends while she was driving something about him being a pretty bird.

A study says that humans have a hormonal link to dogs. There is a word for people who have a genetic connection to dogs. Women will tell you they are called “men.”

The new “Star Wars” movie trailer shows a 72 year old Harrison Ford reprising his role as Han Solo. Although he is really showing his age when the Millennium Falcon he is piloting gets passed by a 1963 Ford Falcon.

The new “Star Wars” movie trailer shows a 72 year old Harrison Ford reprising his role as Han Solo. Not to say Ford is showing his age, but the movie starts out with the text crawl “A long, long, looooooooong time ago...”

A report says the TSA trained workers at Disney and SeaWorld amusement parks to spot terrorists. At Disney it was easy. Anyone who could stand to go through “It’s A Small World” seven times in a row without breaking was immediately turned over to the FBI.

A report says the TSA trained workers at Disney and SeaWorld amusement parks to spot terrorists. Apparently terror groups were sending recruits to the Florida theme parks with the idea that anyone who could stand in line for a ride in the August heat for four hours while listening to children constantly whining would find waterboarding a breeze.

Jeb Bush is embracing the policies of his brother, George W. Bush on the campaign trail. Which is about as smart a political move as Hillary Clinton running on the same platform as George McGovern.

The European Union is looking at requiring breathalyzers to be installed on all cars. Which means the cleanest air and least crowded streets in the world would soon be the bragging rights of Ireland.

Former music writer Deesha Dyer has been picked as President Obama’s new social secretary. Which pretty much consists of making sure the guest list to any White House functions do not include the names Boehner, McConnell or Cruz.

Nebraska is considering abolishing the death penalty. Apparently legislators figure what could be worse than spending the rest of your life in prison while also still being in Nebraska?

Kansas has passed a law that limits welfare spending on concerts, tattoos or lingerie. Or as people in Kansas call concerts, tattoos and lingerie, a pretty good Saturday night.

Kansas has passed a law that limits welfare spending on concerts, tattoos or lingerie. Which if the show were set in Kansas, concerts, tattoos and lingerie would be the basis of “How I Met Your Mother.”

Kansas has passed a law that limits welfare spending on concerts, tattoos or lingerie. Apparently the people of Kansas are tired of everyone taking advantage of the carefree, luxury lifestyle afforded by living off public assistance in Dodge City.

Frederick’s of Hollywood is closing all their stores and will only do business online. The announcement came as a surprise to most people. In fact, Frederick only told Victoria because he knew she could keep a secret.

The Washington State Auditor has been indicted for tax evasion, stolen property and perjury. Which means he is exactly the right man to cook the books and make it look like the state is operating in the black.

The NBA and its players have agreed to test for Human Growth Hormone during the 2015-2016 season. They are waiting a year so that anyone in the league who is 6’5” or shorter has a chance to catch up with everyone else.

United Airlines is offering free beer and wine along with three course meals to international travelers. Which in reality amounts to a six pack of Lucky Lager and a McDonald’s Happy Meal while they are stuck at the gate waiting for their canceled flights to be rescheduled.

The Kentucky Derby has banned selfie sticks this year. Apparently race officials are worried that some of the jockeys will use them to argue any rulings in case of a photo finish.

The medical college admission test or MCAT has been expanded to seven and a half hours, three hours longer than the previous test. Apparently the test now just consists of making any applicants successfully navigate their way to get coverage through the Obamacare website.

Walgreens has frozen the salaries of their top U.S. executives. The company is hoping to cut costs and as unfortunately only have the authority to go to Aisle 7 and put a band aid on it.

A poll says that Americans’ optimism about their finances is at an 11 year high. Which is really sad considering in how bad of shape the economy was in even back in 2004.

A study says that sleep apnea may speed the onset of memory loss and Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially for men who keep getting hit in the head by their wives all night trying to get them to stop snoring.

A study says that U.S. moms are spacing their children too close together. Instead of the average two and a half years, some women are waiting only 18 months to have another child. Which is amazing that after giving birth the first time a year and a half ago that they even let their husbands look at them again.

A study says that e-cigarette use has tripled among U.S. teens. Mostly because now that marijuana is legal and all their parents are smoking pot, kids need something else to do now that there isn’t any thrill left in getting stoned.

A study says that sugary drinks may reduce stress levels. But mostly for drinks like Coke when it is mixed with rum, 7-Up when it is mixed with Seagram’s Seven Crown and Red Bull when it is mixed with Vodka.

A study says that one in ten full-time workers in the U.S. has had a recent substance abuse problem. The other nine don’t make enough money to buy any illegal drugs or have health insurance so they can get any prescription medications to abuse.

A study says that one in ten full-time workers in the U.S. has had a recent substance abuse problem. Mostly to calm them from worrying about how much longer they will be a full-time worker.

A study says that dining out may be linked to high blood pressure in young people. The good news is that there is enough mercury in the fish at Red Lobster that anyone eating there can take their own blood pressure reading right at the table.

A study says that dining out may be linked to high blood pressure in young people. Especially when they realize it will take working two full days at their three minimum wage jobs to be able to pay for it.

Pippa Middleton is being criticized for eating whale meat and writing about it for a newspaper on a ski trip to Norway. What’s worse is that she ordered the whale meat because the restaurant was fresh out of bald eagle and Bengal tiger.

Pippa Middleton is being criticized for eating whale meat and writing about it for a newspaper on a ski trip to Norway. Apparently she wanted something new instead of the same old boring caviar, Champagne and truffles.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she gave up on her food stamp challenge of living on $29 worth of groceries for a week. It turns out that barely covered the cost of one bottle of water to drink during the yoga workout she did every day on the deck of her yacht while sailing to the Bahamas.

Giancarlo Stanton has become the Miami Marlins all-time home run leader. Apparently he achieved the milestone when he hit a home run.

Google is letting Android phone users find their lost phones with a search. The way most people realize their smartphone is missing is when it hasn’t been sitting in front of their face for more than the past 30 seconds.

155,000 school children in New York have boycotted the state’s standardized testing. People were shocked. There are 155,000 kids who actually still go to school in New York?

Carly Fiorina is touting her business experience for a possible presidential run in 2016. She drove Hewlett-Packard into the ground as CEO and walked away with a $40 million severance package. Which means she would make a perfect fit to be in charge of the federal government.

Kansas Republican Senator Pat Roberts interrupted a hearing when his phone went off with the ringtone from the movie “Frozen.” He didn’t like the movie, it’s just that he wants to remind everyone that as a conservative he is distancing himself as far as possible from any talk about global warming.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, I am running a little slow today as I am taking another day off from my real job. To be honest, this is my real job. I just do the TV weather gig because it actually pays money. That allows me to do things like eat and have a home where I can spend time doing my real job. But even though it is not a positive cash flow operation, there is nothing more rewarding than when you all remember to send the love!

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

April 15th was Tax Day, and a report says the federal tax code is now 74,608 pages long. The nation’s wealthiest have the advantage of being able to afford to pay tax lawyers enough to go through the entire content to find the “99% off” coupon.

A group of scientists says the world is unprepared for a massive volcanic eruption that could kill millions of people and destroy much of modern society. The scientists say not only are we not ready for an eruption of that magnitude, we can barely deal with what happens during a Chris Christie news conference.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says the Oculus Rift virtual reality headset has the power to let people experience anything. The ultimate experience for most Facebook users would be to actually have the ability to taste all the breakfasts their Facebook friends post every morning.

A global cyber commission says that public trust in the Internet has been eroded. You would lose your trust as well if you just got online to check out some porn and ended up losing all your money to a phony Nigerian prince.

A global cyber commission says that public trust in the Internet has been eroded. Although if you ignore the photoshopped giant spiders, erroneous dead celebrity reports and Mayan Calendar end of the world predictions, what other information is there to search for online?

A study says that Julius Caesar may have suffered a series of mini strokes. Apparently it is bases on accounts of his final symptoms being a series of stabbing pains.

A study says that Julius Caesar may have suffered a series of mini strokes. And you thought your HMO was late in getting back to you with test results.

William Peter Blatty, the author of “The Exorcist” says he has evidence of life after death. Although after several tries, no one has still ever been able to resurrect the career of Linda Blair.

A report says that increasing levels of light at night is creating health problems for some people. Especially for men whose wives now find it easier to see them sneaking into the bedroom at four in the morning.

The Tennessee House has voted to make the Bible the state book. Opponents were concerned that designating a state book could lead to more government intrusion, like being forced to build some libraries.

The Education Department says that former Corinthian College students could have their debt forgiven if they can prove they were defrauded. To which students who are looking for work with a degree from UNLV are asking “You mean like us?”

A man flying a gyrocopter was able to land on the grounds of the Capitol Building in Washington, D.C. The good news is that it was the one time John McCain’s staff actually allowed him to go outside and yell “Get off my lawn!”

A man flying a gyrocopter was able to land on the grounds of the Capitol Building in Washington, D.C. The Secret Service was slow to react but they had an excuse this time. They thought the proposed military budget cuts meant the gyrocopter was the latest version of Marine One.

A survey of sports participants says that swimmers make the best lovers. Because what is sexier than a man with absolutely no body hair who is wearing goggles and a pair of Speedos?

A survey of sports participants says that swimmers make the best lovers. Mostly because women mistake the fact that swimmers use the phrase “breast stroke” to think that they might actually know the meaning of foreplay.

A gray whale has made the longest migration ever by a mammal, swimming 14,000 miles from Russia to Mexico and back. The next time, the whale will try a more traditional way to sneak into the U.S., coming across the border in the trunk of a Chevy.

A 95 year old northern California man has set a record as the world’s oldest active pilot. He didn’t plan it that way. It’s just that he works for JetBlue and has been waiting 20 years on the tarmac to be cleared for takeoff.

A 95 year old northern California man has set a record as the world’s oldest active pilot. The only problem is that when he is flying, the drink cart only offers different flavors of Metamucil.

A federal judge has ruled to keep marijuana on the list of most dangerous drugs. Legal experts say either she was hesitant to overrule a law passed by Congress or just became a little paranoid after smoking some weed.

A survey says that 62% of people say the best feeling in the world is sleeping on a freshly made bed. Of course, the men who said that were with their wives and left out the part where they meant sleeping in a freshly made bed next to Jennifer Aniston.

A study says that 25% of college adjunct professors qualify for public assistance. The other 75% say they are just satisfied with the students sharing some of their weed along with the opportunity to hit on some college coeds.

Senator Elizabeth Warren says that the auto loan industry reminds her of pre-crisis housing market. Which is ironic in that most people are buying cars now to have a place to live in after they lost their homes in the housing crash.

An analysis says the average worker will get a 3% raise this year while the average CEO will get a 13% increase. Mostly for saving their companies a fortune by convincing their workers that they are lucky to be getting the 3% increase.

An analysis says the average worker will get a 3% raise this year while the average CEO will get a 13% increase. Although it really only amounts to a 4% increase since the CEOs need to also give a 3% raise to their chauffeur, personal chef and private pilot.

A study says that people who suffer from insomnia, exhaustion and depression are most at risk to have nightmares. Mostly because the nightmares keep them from falling asleep which means they are always tired and that makes them sad.

A study says there is an increased risk of being involved in a car crash on April 15th Tax Day. Which means that having to fix their car at least gives them something to look forward to doing with their refund.

A study says that acetaminophen reduces pain, but also decreases pleasure. Which is too bad because the only reason people take it is for the pleasure they get from not having the pain anymore.

Entrepreneurs are trying to get Americans to eat more insects as a healthy and cheap means of food. To which most people are saying if they wanted to eat bugs you would find them in the drive-thru at Taco Bell.

A study says that depression and diabetes may raise the risk of dementia. Which isn’t that bad as long as it causes them to forget that they have diabetes and it makes them sad.

A report says that Kris Jenner and the Kardashians are only acting like they support Bruce Jenner’s sex change publicly to make themselves look good. Which is a switch from the family usually doing something only because it makes them money.

Rutger’s Lord Nelson, the only horse that was ever penalized in an NCAA football game has died at age 42. The horse broke away and ran down the sidelines and was flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. The sad part is that it was ruled unsportsmanlike because it taunted the rest of the team who could never make a breakaway run.

Michael Phelps says he will try to make the team for the 2016 Olympics in Rio after serving a six month suspension after a DUI conviction. He just has to make sure he doesn’t raise any suspicions by making sure that whenever he gets into the pool he stays in his own lane.

Michael Phelps says he will try to make the team for the 2016 Olympics in Rio after serving a six month suspension after a DUI conviction. He will be constantly monitored to make sure the only substance on his breath is chlorine.

Tiger Woods says his wrist is fine after suffering an injury during the Masters. Although it was nowhere near as severe an injury to his wrist as the time he had to force himself to sign his card in Phoenix after shooting an 82.

Manny Pacquiao says he wants to beat Floyd Mayweather and then study the Bible together. Although he doesn’t sound too confident as before the fight he wants to point out the part that says “Thou shalt not kill.”

Snowboarder Billy Morgan landed the first ever quadruple corkscrew. Until now, to the U.S, Ski Team a “quadruple corkscrew” referred to Bode Miller’s preparation to drink four bottles of wine before hitting the slopes.

A study says that walking to higher ground at a quicker pace could increase the chances of surviving a tsunami. The only question is, what more do you have to do to get people to walk a little faster than telling them that there is a tsunami coming?

Twitter is turning its home page into a news and information hub. The good news is that people can still look at the main section to find the latest celebrity rants, spam and apologies for previous dumb tweets.

A report says that robotic chefs could be serving meals by 2017. Although the only robots most people want to see associated with cooking is to have Gordon Ramsay get in the ring on “Battlebots.”

Xerox is aiming to let people make child support payments with a mobile app. The only problem is with deadbeat dads who don’t pay child support because they don’t have a job from playing video games on their smartphone all day.

A poll says that men are twice as likely as women to buy an Apple Watch. Mostly because men are twice as likely as women to be suckered into buying anything.

Japan has bumped China as the top holder of U.S. debt. To which China responded with “You’re it!”

 Japan has bumped China as the top holder of U.S. debt. Although in actuality, the real holder of the most U.S. debt are our children’s children’s children who will be stuck with the tab when they are born 60 years from now.

The FDA has approved a new heart failure drug. The new drug is to be used to prevent heart failure for patients when they get the pharmacy bill for all the other heart medications they are taking.

Target has settled with MasterCard for $19 Million to cover losses related to the 2013 hack that resulted in a breach of 40 Million accounts. The only problem is that Target says their policy only allows them to pay off the settlement with an in-store credit.

IKEA has launched its new line of wireless charging furniture. Which is good news for people who need to keep their tablets and smartphones charged so they can log in to the IKEA website to get online instructions on how to actually put some of their IKEA furniture together.

Angie’s List CEO Bill Oesterle says he is stepping down. When asked for a comment, Angie’s List says he performed well on financial issues but they were let down by his inability to delegate. Overall, they would probably use him again.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am running a little slow today as I have the day off my real job and am taking it easy. It’s a good thing this isn’t my real job as with the hours I put in every day with no vacation and total net income, that comes out to approximately I would say around $0 an hour. Which means the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that you all actually read this stuff every day. I am just waiting for my big reward when I get to my goal of 7 Billion daily readers. Don’t ask how that is going. For the time being, my real reward is when you all remember to keep sending the love!

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that prescription drug spending was up 13% in 2014. Mostly for extra strength remedies for people who got severe headaches trying to qualify for prescription coverage by attempting to navigate through the Obamacare website.

Joe Biden says he is “not ready” to decide on a presidential run yet. Apparently he wants to wait until he figures out what he is actually supposed to do as Vice President.

Some luxury SUVs have topped the $200,000 price tag. They are being marketed to soccer moms who have decided they will use their 529 plan for the extravagant ride now and let their kids just go to community college later.

Eight former Atlanta educators have been sentenced to as much as seven years in prison for their part in a cheating scandal. The teachers were hoping for a much more lenient punishment, like writing “I will not cheat again” 5,000 times on the blackboard.

A Seattle based credit card processing company is planning to raise its minimum wage for all employees to $70,000. Other businesses say they already offer the same plan. All their employees need to do to make that salary is work 8,000 hours a year.

A study says that nearly a quarter of all teenagers are online almost constantly. The other three quarters didn’t take part because researchers couldn’t get them to put their iPhones, iPads and laptops down for three minutes.

A study says that Tylenol can dull people’s emotional sensitivity. Although the reason they take Tylenol in the first place is because of the headaches from people bothering them that they are too emotionally sensitive to tell to get lost in the first place.

The newest product coming out of the medical marijuana industry is medicinal pot cookies for dogs. The cookies dull pain which makes the dogs lay around all day and have a huge appetite. The only question is how does anyone tell if they are working?

A new cookbook has been written by “Jeopardy!” winning computer Watson. The only problem so far is that every recipe calls for flavoring with 3-In-One oil.

The Tennessee legislature is considering a proposal to make the Bible the state book. People in other states are surprised. Tennessee has books?

The Labor Department is proposing new rules designed to protect people’s retirement accounts. Although there might be more people actually saving for retirement if the Labor Department would start by figuring out how to get them back to work.

The Labor Department is proposing new rules designed to protect people’s retirement accounts. The last thing they want to see is people realizing they don’t have enough money to sustain themselves once they reach the projected retirement age of 93.

National ex-spouse day was observed April 14th. That means in consecutive days ex-husbands can mark the day their wife took most of their money with April 15th the day the IRS gets the rest.

A report says that 10% of S&P 500 companies pay no corporate taxes. The other 90% have better tax accountants who find enough loopholes and deductions so that they government is actually writing them a check every year.

Digital music has brought in as much revenue as physical sales for the first time. Music industry experts were shocked. There are people who pay for music online?

Striking airline food workers at LAX affected several international flights. Which means hundreds of passengers on United Airlines had to go their entire flight without getting a choice of a bag of peanuts or some stale pretzels.

Striking airline food workers at LAX affected several international flights. The only question people had about airline food workers is how does anyone even tell when they have gone on strike?

Questions are being raised about the safety of smaller airline seats when it comes to health and safety issues. The good news is that no one will be knocked out of their seat by turbulence or a hard landing even if they aren’t buckled up.

A poll says that for the first time a majority of Americans believe that marijuana should be legalized. Mostly people who either work for or have invested in Pizza Hut, McDonald’s and Hostess.

Americans’ spending on dining out has surpassed grocery store sales for the first time ever. Mostly because people who are working three jobs to put food on the table find there is no time left in their day to actually cook anything themselves.

An Alaska Airlines worker forced a plane to make an emergency landing when it was discovered he was taking a nap in the cargo hold. The worst part is the worker says that he would have just bought a ticket but that the cargo hold was more comfortable and had more legroom.

An Alaska Airlines worker forced a plane to make an emergency landing when it was discovered he was taking a nap in the cargo hold. To which Southwest Airlines says “You can book passengers in the cargo hold?”

The L.A. Dodgers are using technology to engage fans, by offering fitness tracking. Although fitness trackers on Dodgers fans show them pretty much walking from their seat to get in line for a Dodger dog.

The L.A. Dodgers are using technology to engage fans, by offering fitness tracking. Although how easy is it to engage fans who arrive in the third inning and are heading to back to their cars by the sixth?

Two analysts have written a report saying it is likely that Apple will eventually build a car. Apparently the company figures if it can sell people who already have an iPhone and iPad a watch, their customers will pretty much buy anything with an Apple logo on it.

Some doctors are questioning the value of the annual physical exam. Especially for any of their patients who come in tipping the scales at more than 300 pounds with high blood pressure and Type 2 Diabetes who should instead be using their money to save for a cemetery plot.

Some doctors are questioning the value of the annual physical exam. Especially for the ones who the doctors’ staff is making money off with side wagers on who will make it back for next year’s visit.

A report says people can protect their aging brains with exercise. To which most people figure since it is their brain they are trying to keep in shape all they really need to do is think about working out.

A California man ruptured a tendon in his hand playing “Candy Crush” for weeks at a time. It was the first time candy has been blamed for a ruptured tendon other than the people who are injured from constantly dipping their fingers into the M&Ms jar on the coffee table.

Researchers say the psychological stress from divorce can have serious effects on the heart, especially for women. Which is probably no worse than the alternative of staying married, having kids and going in to work every day.

A study says that men whose wives are stressed are more likely to have high blood pressure. Especially men whose wives are stressed because their husbands have high blood pressure from eating junk food and never leaving the couch.

A report says that Justin Bieber was put in a choke hold by security and was booted from the Coachella music festival. It was the only performance of the night that had the audience yelling for an encore.

Brody Jenner is set to host a TV call-in show called “Sex With Brody.” The show was originally going to be hosted by his dad and called “Sex With Bruce” except that no one could figure out which sex that actually is anymore.

Brody Jenner is set to host a TV call-in show called “Sex With Brody.” Women say that if it is like sex with any other man, the show will last five minutes and will end with everyone falling asleep.

65 year old Billy Joel says he is having a baby with his 34 year old girlfriend. Her obstetrician’s first concern is making sure when the baby is due that she won’t be driven to the hospital by Joel.

65 year old Billy Joel says he is having a baby with his 34 year old girlfriend. She is a risk assessment officer. Although you have to wonder how good she is at figuring out risk when she gets pregnant with a man 30 years older who has already been through three divorces.

65 year old Billy Joel says he is having a baby with his 34 year old girlfriend. She is five years older than his daughter, Alexa. Apparently he didn’t want to wait any longer to see if she was ever going to give him a grandchild so he made one of his own.

An analysis says that one out of six NFL players goes bankrupt within 12 years of retiring. The other five go bankrupt while they are still actually playing in the league.

An analysis says that one out of six NFL players goes bankrupt within 12 years of retiring. Which means that at least they got to know what it was like to retire at one point in their life.

Dodger outfielder Yasiel Puig say he will cut down on his bat flipping. Mostly until at least he has a pretty good idea the ball is actually going out of the park.

Dodger outfielder Yasiel Puig say he will cut down on his bat flipping. Apparently he realizes he isn’t going to be making a lot of points with the fans by adopting any behaviors associated with Barry Bonds.

Western Kentucky University is suspending its swimming and diving programs after allegations of hazing, sexual assault and drug use. Who do they think they are, the football team?

Western Kentucky University is suspending its swimming and diving programs after allegations of hazing, sexual assault and drug use. Not only that, it is becoming too much of a financial stress for the school to keep maintaining the university’s swimmin’ hole.

The Cleveland Browns have revealed new uniforms. Apparently they didn’t want their traditional orange to be confused with any of the Cincinnati Bengals players who are always pictured wearing that color jumpsuit.

A report says that users’ mistakes aid most cyber attacks. Mostly by workers who still think its a good idea to have a password of “12345.”

American Express cardholders will soon be able to make payments with their fitness bands. Which will come in handy for AmEx customers who can use them to pay for their medical bills when they try to work out and end up in the Emergency Room.

Scientists say they have figured out why humans have chins. In the case of boxer Chuck Wepner, he used it mostly to get in the way of his opponents’ punches.

Scientists say they have figured out why humans have chins. Or more importantly why Kirstie Alley is now up to five of them.

Scientists say they have figured out why humans have chins. Or as Paul Giamatti says, “What’s a chin?”

Scientists say they have figured out why humans have chins. They aren’t 100% sure, but if it is something important than we should elect Jay Leno our next President.

There is a movement to give fugitive Edward Snowden citizenship in Iceland. To which Snowden’s response is “So how big are those American prison cells again?”

Defense contractor Northrop Grumman is joining an effort to analyze the health data of people who are suffering various maladies with the goal of improving medical care. Which is ironic in that many of the people suffering long term injuries got them while fighting in wars where the opposing side was armed by Northrop Grumman.

A new bicycle called the Babel Bike claims to be the safest in the world. Mostly because at a $3,000 selling price no one is going to ever be injured on one because they will be too afraid to take it out where it might get stolen.

A report questions whether health apps benefit healthy people. The real question is whether they help unhealthy people who are afraid of using an app that tells them just how out of shape they are.

A GAO report says that new airplanes are vulnerable to hacking. The most dangerous results include commandeering the craft, taking over the warning systems and preventing the pilots from finishing their game of “Candy Crush” before landing.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is Tax Day. Which is only important for the four people who make enough to actually have to pay taxes but not too much where they have a team of accountants letting them skate by for nothing. I am not getting a refund this year, which apparently means my request to change my status to multinational corporation wasn’t allowed. So I have to fork out some money this year. However, that will be offset by the money I make from this site, which this year is...again zero. Oh, well...at least I always get my compensation when all of you remember to take some time out from your TurboTax software to make sure to send the love!

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The CBO says the federal government is taxing and spending more with higher deficits in 2015. In other words, it’s back to business as usual.

Hillary Clinton is traveling around making campaign stops in a van, even though she claims she hasn’t driven since 1996. Apparently since then Bill won’t give her the keys as he is too worried about giving her the opportunity to run him down.

A German woman who already has 13 children is pregnant with quadruplets through in vitro fertilization. Even the Octomom is telling her to give it a rest.

A report says the experience of flying is getting worse, with more flights that are late, more lost luggage and more complaints from travelers. You know it’s getting bad when people are filling out customer satisfaction cards that say the TSA security checks were the most enjoyable part of the trip.

A report says the experience of flying is getting worse, with more flights that are late, more lost luggage and more complaints from travelers. So far, the experience of flying has now dropped to somewhere between waterboarding and being audited by the IRS.

German scientists have developed the first human satellite navigation that uses electrodes to shock muscles and guide people in the right direction. Why is it no surprise that this technology comes from the Germans?

German scientists have developed the first human satellite navigation that uses electrodes to shock muscles and guide people in the right direction. It was obviously developed by women who were tired of asking their husbands to just ask for directions.

Tori Spelling was hospitalized with serious burns after falling onto a grill at a hibachi restaurant. Although that’s not what she meant when she said she wanted to have a celebrity roast.

Tori Spelling was hospitalized with serious burns after falling onto a grill at a hibachi restaurant. She was fortunate in not suffering worse injuries as silicon isn’t flammable.

Tori Spelling was hospitalized with serious burns after falling onto a grill at a hibachi restaurant. It was her worst grilling since reviewers started questioning her about the release of her Lifetime documentary “True Tori.”

Hillary Clinton says she will travel to campaign stops in a van she has nicknamed “Scooby.” Apparently she is a fan of the cartoon “Scooby Doo” but the name “Mystery Machine” is already being used as the code name for the van that tries to figure out what Bill is doing.

A judge has offered Atlanta teachers accused in a cheating scandal to make a plea deal before they are sentenced. In other words, they are trying to find a way to trade some extra credit for detention time.

A soccer player was reportedly attacked and choked on an Air Canada flight. It was the worst soccer choking since the Argentines couldn’t make a single goal in the last World Cup finals.

Pepsi will be the main food and drink sponsor for the NBA, beating out Coca-Cola who has had the deal for the past 28 years. Pepsi will be promoting its Mountain Dew, Doritos and Ruffles products. Otherwise known to Memphis Grizzlies fans as the breakfast menu.

Royal Caribbean passengers on two ships suffered vomiting outbreaks. The biggest problem was the confusion as the passengers thought they had been mistakenly booked onto a Carnival cruse ship.

Royal Caribbean passengers on two ships suffered vomiting outbreaks. No one even knew that Kathie Lee Gifford and Richard Simmons were still being booked as cruise line entertainment.

U.S. troops are being urged to keep a low profile in public and not use military slang. Like avoiding telling Wal-Mart checkers who aren’t moving fast enough to “Drop and give me twenty, dirtbag!”

A Georgian chess grandmaster is facing a ban after being caught cheating after making several trips to the bathroom. Apparently the king and queen weren’t the only pieces spending too much time on the throne.

A Georgian chess grandmaster is facing a ban after being caught cheating after making several trips to the bathroom. He claims that it was all just part of his new “Grand Chalupa” chess strategy.

Scientists say that human hibernation on long space trips may soon be a reality. The main reason is so the captains on Mars missions will stop having to heat the other astronauts saying “Are we there yet?” for eight straight months.

Scientists say that human hibernation on long space trips may soon be a reality. The only problem is when they are awakened, the astronauts have the urge to start stealing some pic-a-nic baskets.

Hillary Clinton has declared her candidacy for President in 2016. Political experts say the delay was either an attempt to make for some drama or that she was the last person who realized she was running.

Consumer advocates say that checking accounts for students that are set up through a partnership between banks and universities are not a good deal. Especially when the students realize that those are the two institutions that are trying hardest to take them for their last dime.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign logo is a large “H” with an arrow pointing to the right. The only problem is that Bill gets nervous every time he sees it as it reminds him of the roadside hospital signs he passed when Hillary sent him to the ER after she found out about Monica.

RadioShack is selling their trademarked name. Which should be worth just slightly less than what anyone is still willing to pay for Pets.com.

RadioShack has put their customer data base up for sale. The list is being considered by EverReady, Duracell and Energizer to see who gets to keep asking those people if they need batteries even after Radioshack is out of business.

A report says water insecurity from frequent floods and drought is costing the global economy billions of dollars a year. And that doesn’t even have anything to do with the millions of Americans whose home mortgages are still underwater.

Apple says they sold 1 Million Apple Watches in just six hours. Mostly to people who came into their store, saw a box that had the Apple logo and immediately had to buy whatever was inside.

Apple says they sold 1 Million Apple Watches in just six hours. The ironic part is that as many people will use the watch to tell time as the number of people who use their iPhones to actually make phone calls.

Target has hired a former executive from Petsmart to revamp their grocery business. Which means the bread and milk section may be moved over to Sporting Goods to make room for the new Iams, Alpo and Milk-Bone aisle.

A study says that Virgin America is the best U.S. airline for the third year in a row. Mostly because if the people at Greyhound put wings on their buses, they would still finish ahead of United, American and Southwest.

A survey says that Baby Boomers’ confidence in a good retirement are plummeting. Mostly because so have their 401(k) accounts ever since they started raiding them to pay for their mortgage, vacations and kids’ college funds.

A survey says that Baby Boomers’ confidence in a good retirement are plummeting. Unless you consider a good retirement being in your 90s and having to eat cat food while trying to live on a Social Security check.

McDonald’s is offering a free breakfast this week to Taco Bell customers. As an extra incentive, they are also offering free ambulance service to take them between the two restaurants.

A survey says that 90% of Americans now have health insurance. Which means Obamacare has made it possible for millions more people to be able to know the joy the rest of us have had for years fighting with an insurance provider to try to get them to pay at least some of our medical bills.

Scientists say they have found the brain’s sarcasm center. To which other researchers are asking could they have taken any longer?

Scientists say they have found the brain’s sarcasm center. To which women are saying “Nice going Einstein. It’s too bad you can’t spend as much time trying to find the G spot.”

A study says that painkillers are commonly used during pregnancy and are harmful to babies. If moms think they need painkillers while they are pregnant, just wait until their kids grow to be teenagers.

A study says that most e-mails are answered within two minutes. To which anyone under 30 is asking “What’s an e-mail?”

A study says that most e-mails are answered within two minutes. Mostly because it’s hard for people to pass up an offer to share millions of dollars just to spot someone a few thousand in order to get their brother out of a Nigerian prison.

A rare form of amnesia has caused a 32 year old woman to wake up thinking she was 15. As opposed to all the men who are sitting in jail cells because they thought the 15 year old they woke up with was 32.

A rare form of amnesia has caused a 32 year old woman to wake up thinking she was 15. There is a medical term for when 32 year olds suddenly think they are 15 again. It’s called “being men.”

A study says that toddlers’ sleep problems are linked to behavior issues later in life. Or as most people know sleep problems with toddlers along with behavior issues later in life, “being a child.”

A study says that watching movies featuring alcohol increases the likelihood of kids drinking. Also because they end up sneaking beer into the theaters because they can’t afford to pay $10 for a medium soft drink at the concession stand.

A study says that kindergartners who share iPads may perform better in school than ones who have their own. Especially when one can pass along to the other the secrets for moving to the next level of “Heroes of Warcraft.”

A study says that kindergartners who share iPads may perform better in school than ones who have their own. Mostly because it’s so much better than the old way of having to copy off the paper of the kid in the next seat.

The FDA is warning of liver injury from a muscle building supplement. Which comes as a surprise to most body builders who had no idea the liver was a muscle.

Alec Baldwin’s daughter Ireland has tweeted that she is in rehab. Which should come as no surprise when you name your child after an entire nation of alcoholics.

Alec Baldwin’s daughter Ireland has tweeted that she is in rehab. At least getting to the root cause of Alec Baldwin’s daughter’s substance abuse is easy, mostly being the daughter of Alec Baldwin.

Pink is slamming people who are criticizing her on social media for her weight. After her last hit 14 years ago, she should just be lucky people even remember who she is.

A 100 year old New jersey man reportedly killed his wife with an ax before taking his own life. His cause of death was swinging an ax hard enough to kill his wife.

Farrah Abraham has taking an apprenticeship with a plastic surgeon. The last time she was involved with being an apprentice, it was a nine month project called “Teen Mom.”

Farrah Abraham has taking an apprenticeship with a plastic surgeon. She will follow him around during cosmetic procedures. As opposed to her last apprenticeship for “Teen Mom” which involved most her work done while on her back.

Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer has had his contract extended along with a pay raise. Which brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “Urban renewal.”

Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer is now the second highest paid college coach in the country. Not only that, but he gets the extra perk of free food any time he goes into a fast food restaurant where his former players are working.

The International Space Station will be getting an Italian espresso maker. The only bad part will be the astronauts having to wait in line and deal with the attitude of the barista that comes with it.

Researchers say they have found the oldest Neanderthal DNA in an Italian skeleton. The bones were identified when pictures were shown to Sylvester Stallone who said “Uncle Vinnie!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! 21 year old Jordan Spieth won the Masters over the weekend. It must be terrible to peak that fast. I am much more satisfied in thinking that my best years are still about 40 years away. As far as joke writing goes, they haven’t been so hot for the past ten anyway. But my reward is just in knowing that you are actually coming back every day thinking that they will some day get better. The only bigger prize is when you all remember once in awhile to send the love!

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that kids are more stressed today than adults. Mostly because ever since the economic crash it’s not like adults have to worry about their job, house payment or investments anymore.

A study says that kids are more stressed today than adults. Especially when they see how much college costs these days and how they will pay it off with the minimum wage jobs a degree is good for anymore.

Research says that dogs are 98% reliable in sniffing out prostate cancer in humans. Which means all that time that dogs spend sniffing each others’ butts may be their own version of medical school.

Research says that dogs are 98% reliable in sniffing out prostate cancer in humans. The other 2% is them just liking to stick their snout into your crotch.

Experts say that healthy eating may be the newest eating disorder. How fat have we gotten when the people who want to be thin are considered abnormal?

A report says the top 20% of earners pay 84% of the income tax. Which is still a bargain because they have 99% of the income.

A report says the top 20% of earners pay 84% of the income tax. Which still can’t be that much or else the country wouldn’t be $18 Trillion in debt.

President Obama’s tax return shows the First Couple made $477,000 and paid a 19.6% tax rate. They could have paid less but figure it is worth it to have their taxes done by Joe Biden to give him something to do.

Pope Francis I is urging quick action on climate change. To which world leaders are asking why he just doesn’t ask God to turn down the thermostat?

A New York City woman has been accused of marrying ten times without getting a divorce. If convicted, she could be sentenced either to time in jail or to move to Utah.

Attorney General Eric Holder sent a memo to his staff reminding them that soliciting prostitutes is illegal. Apparently he felt the memo was necessary after some of his workers were seen fraternizing with members of Congress.

Attorney General Eric Holder sent a memo to his staff reminding them that soliciting prostitutes is illegal. No wonder our legal system is in such bad shape when the nation’s top prosecutor has to tell his own lawyers not to break the law.

Some economic experts say that Hillary Clinton’s economic plans need an overhaul. Apparently she is still living in the world where her husband was President back in the 1990s and we still had an actual economy.

Some economic experts say that Hillary Clinton’s economic plans need an overhaul. Especially ever since someone took our economy and hauled it over a cliff.

Volkswagen is going through a leadership crisis where the company’s CEO is vowing to fight for his position following the chairman has withdrawn confidence. Forget driverless cars, it sounds like Volkswagen’s entire company is moving ahead with no one behind the wheel.

Carmakers are trying to trim the weight of their cars for better gas mileage. Although what really makes their cars heavier is when the people inside take them through the drive-thru line at fast food restaurants.

GE says it is planning on getting out of the banking business. Apparently instead of investing all their extra cash, the company’e executives just decided to take it all themselves.

GE says it is planning on getting out of the banking business. Apparently the company decided to get into banking to do something with their record profits from outsourcing all the jobs to foreign countries.

The FAA has given Amazon the green light to test delivery drones. The drones will not be able to fly above 400 feet, so when they drop the packages from that height onto your front porch they will be in the same shape as when they are brought by the Post Office.

Disneyland plans enhancements for several rides in time for their upcoming 60th anniversary. The most requested upgrade is for earplugs for anyone riding on “It’s A Small World.”

Disneyland plans enhancements for several rides in time for their upcoming 60th anniversary. Although most park visitors would like to just see lines shortened so they can get through all the rides before the 61st anniversary.

United Airlines is planning to fix FAA concerns over pilot training and scheduling. United says it currently has no reason to train or schedule pilots until they have a flight that the airline doesn’t actually cancel.

The IRS says that 13% of taxpayers wait until the last week before April 15th to file. The other 87% don’t have any reason to file at all because they haven’t had an income since 2007.

A study says a college degree is still the key to a middle class life. While the key to an upper class life is having wealthy parents.

A study says a college degree is still the key to a middle class life. Which used to be the key to an upper class life until it started to take 30 years just to pay off the tuition loans.

A survey says the happiest city in the U.S. is Sarasota, Florida. Mostly because how can you not be happy by going around and saying the word “Sarasota?”

A survey says that five of the ten least happiest cities in the U.S. are in Ohio. The other five cities said they were unhappy but at least they weren’t living in Ohio.

A survey says that five of the ten least happiest cities in the U.S. are in Ohio. The rest of the cities in Ohio are full of people with a more positive attitude who say at least it isn’t New Jersey.

A study says who are obese in middle age run a lower risk of dementia later in life. Mostly because they never have to remember things like where they put their leftovers.

A study says who are obese in middle age run a lower risk of dementia later in life. Mostly because if they are obese enough they don’t live long enough to have any problems associated with old age.

An Italian surgeon says that full head transplants may be possible in the near future. Don’t we already have an example where a person’s head is matched with a body that is made up of entirely different parts? It’s called “Cher.”

A study says that plastic surgery can make people more likable. Apparently the study didn’t include Bruce Jenner or any of the Kardashians.

John Mellancamp’s sons have pleaded guilty to a charge of battery. The good news is their assault was the first time the family has seen a hit in the past 20 years.

A judge in Argentina has issued an arrest warrant for Justin Bieber. Apparently he missed his calling to be a major league pitcher if he has an arm strong enough to throw an egg that far.

A judge in Argentina has issued an arrest warrant for Justin Bieber. That’s pretty harsh. Most other people just turn the radio off when one of his songs is played.

Gwyneth Paltrow bought $29 worth of food to last a week as part of a challenge to see what it is like to live on food stamps. Several supermodels declined the challenge as they didn’t want to buy that much food for a week and end up throwing most of it away.

Gwyneth Paltrow bought $29 worth of food to last a week as part of a challenge to see what it is like to live on food stamps. She called the switch over from the organic foods she normally buys as a “couscous uncoupling.”

The divorce proceedings between Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom hit a courtroom snag because of her inactivity involving the case. Mostly because none of the Kardashians are able to get anything done unless there is a camera rolling.

The divorce proceedings between Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom hit a courtroom snag because of her inactivity involving the case. Mostly because inactivity is how the entire family has pretty much made its fortune.

Researchers say that William Shakespeare probably wrote a lost play called “Double Falsehood” that was previously credited to Lewis Theobald. They also say there was more of a chance that Shakespeare wrote “Good Will Hunting” than either Matt Damon or Ben Affleck.

Prince Charles and Camilla celebrated their tenth anniversary last week. Diana will still get the last laugh when Queen Elizabeth skips over Charles passes the crown to her son William.

Prince Charles and Camilla celebrated their tenth anniversary last week. They reportedly had a romantic dinner where Charles personally strapped on Camilla’s bucket of oats.

Former NFL lineman Phillip Buchanon says when he was drafted into the league his mother asked him for $1 Million to pay for raising him. He was lucky. Just think how much she would have asked for if he inherited a quarterback’s arm from his dad.

Former NFL lineman Phillip Buchanon says when he was drafted into the league his mother asked him for $1 Million to pay for raising him. Which was a lot of money when you consider his agent was already demanding to be tithed.

Angels owner Arte Moreno says Josh Hamilton’s contract had language concerning drugs and alcohol. To which most players are saying should be nullified since anyone signing a contract like that must have been high.

Angels owner Arte Moreno says Josh Hamilton’s contract had language concerning drugs and alcohol. To which the Yankees are asking their legal team why didn’t they think of that when they were negotiating with Alex Rodriguez?

Johnny Manziel has reportedly been released from rehab. The only question is how long before the same thing happens with the Browns.

Sprint says it will now offer free international data roaming. Mostly so people can access GPS in foreign countries so they can stop aimlessly roaming.

Sprint says it will now offer free international data roaming. Which will be doubly dangerous with people texting behind the wheel in countries where they drive on the other side of the road.

PayPal may be sued by a U.S. regulator over excessive charges for a same day lending service. The worst part is, if they lose the court will demand any penalties and fines be taken care of through Apple Pay.

Researchers say that smartphones could be used to deliver warnings in areas prone to quakes that can’t afford more expensive systems. For one thing, smartphones can be used to alert people there may an earthquake when the person leaves it in the kitchen and thirty seconds later it ends up in the living room.

A report says the fashion industry is watching the California drought impact closely. For one thing, they may find a sudden demand for mostly shorts and T-shirts that only have to be washed every couple of months.

A report says that Marco Rubio is the most absent member of the U.S. Senate. Which may be a good move for someone running for President as a way to avoid being blamed for everything going on in Congress.

A report says that Marco Rubio is the most absent member of the U.S. Senate. Which is a good move for a run at being President, as always being out of the office seems to be the number one qualification for the job.

Advocates for poor and minority children say taking a standardized test should be their civil right. Although most kids do think there are rights involved with standardized testing, but mostly invoking protection from cruel and unusual punishment.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The race for President is becoming more set for 2016. Which means as soon as that happens we can look ahead to more important issues. Like who will be running in 2020. The sad part about our political system is that the left votes for the left, the right votes for the right and the final decision is made by the people who have no idea what they are going to do until they get inside the voting booth. I just hope that no matter whom you vote for, you always make sure to at least remember to send the love!

Friday, April 10, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

California residents are reportedly demolishing their swimming pools because of the prolonged drought. Which is ironic because just a few years ago during the housing crisis everyone was worried about their homes being under water.

New Internet rules could reportedly clear the way for fees to help bring broadband to rural areas. The worst part about the whole thing is that people living in rural areas will then be able to go online and see how city people are making fun of them.

New Internet rules could reportedly clear the way for fees to help bring broadband to rural areas. Which could upset the world’s food supply when farmers quit working in their fields to sit inside all day to satisfy their addiction of watching cat videos.

A survey says that half of all Americans are not invested in the stock market. Mostly because since the recession they aren’t invested in a home, the bank or anything else that actually requires having money.

A survey says that half of all Americans are not invested in the stock market. Mostly people who are still gun shy after losing all their money in Pets.com back in 2000.

A SWAT team in Maryland was called in to action after a woman who stole $8.50 in food was hiding inside a grocery store. People were surprised. They wanted to know where you could get out of a supermarket while spending only $8.50.

The UK National Health Service says that people are taking advantage of the system by getting prescriptions for free vitamins, indigestion pills and toothpaste. In fact, the agency says prescriptions for toothpaste alone cost the British government more than $3.75.

A survey says the most popular spot for a first date is Starbucks. Men like it for the casual atmosphere, the chance to have a conversation and that their date knows they are financially secure if they can order two large mocha lattes without having to take out a second mortgage.

A survey says the most popular spot for a first date is Starbucks. Others making the list were Olive Garden and Chili’s. Taco Bell would have made the list except for the fact that going there on a first date pretty much killed the chance of a second date.

United Airlines says it is flying its 787 Dreamliners to every continent except Antarctica. Although they do say that they are close enough as several pieces of their passengers’ luggage have somehow ended up at the South Pole.

Nevada legislators have passed a law making it easier for low income students to pay for private school. Apparently it involves a Roulette wheel and putting everything they have down on double or nothing.

The State Department says it has finished a review of Cuba’s status as a state sponsor of terrorism. The most critical evidence against them were T-shirts found at an al Queda compound that said “Cuba: Come for the jihad, stay for the beaches.”

Vice President Joe Biden says Iraq’s future is in doubt. The only future more in doubt is what there will be for Biden to do once he is no longer Vice President.

Vice President Joe Biden says Iraq’s future is in doubt. Which is pretty much what everyone else has been saying since the 15th Century.

The U.S. Department of Transportation says there was a surge of tarmac delays at airports across the country in February. Which means at least that JetBlue was flying at full schedule again.

Federal banking officials met with Colorado marijuana shops about the issue of the businesses not getting access to banking services. Which hasn’t been too much of a problem yet since most pot shop owners just keep all their money in a sock stashed under the floorboard of their Microbus.

A report says that many businesses have found it difficult to connect with customers through social media. Mostly because 99% of the people using social media just want to make a political rant, find a date or watch cat videos.

Experts say that people planning to retire shouldn’t try to rush to pay off their mortgage. Mostly because if they still have 15 years of house payments left, they will still probably have to work another 30 years beyond that to have a chance to retire in the first place.

A survey says that 71% of all teens still use Facebook. The other 29% have figured out there is a much better chance of seeing some pictures of naked women over on Snapchat.

Alaska Airlines finished on top for on-time ratings for air carriers in February. Mostly because their passengers always arrive early for flights so they don’t have to spend even one extra minute in Alaska.

A study says the average cost of a room in a nursing home is $91,000 a year. Which means it would actually be much more of a bargain to enroll grandma into college again than put her into assisted living.

Financial planners say that people could avoid money fights by planning a financial date night every week. The only problem is when a fight breaks out about how much money they are spending on the date.

Financial planners say that people could avoid money fights by planning a financial date night every week. The only problem is when the husband and wife both realize that they used to have all kinds of money before they got married.

A report says that gas prices could be at their lowest this summer in more than a decade. Which will bring back memories of ten years ago when no one could afford to fill up because gas prices were too high even then.

Reports of listeria in Sabra brand hummus ha prompted a national recall. The only problem is how can anyone tell if hummus has gone bad?

Credit experts are saying people should start building their children’s credit score in elementary school. Which is a good time since that may be the only opportunity in their life where they actually still have some disposable cash.

Credit experts are saying people should start building their children’s credit score in elementary school. Which is a lot better than helping them find a good bankruptcy lawyer while they are in junior high.

Credit experts are saying people should start building their children’s credit score in elementary school. There is nothing worse than applying for a loan as an adult and being turned down because a grade school bully still has a lien on your bike from not handing over your milk money.

Tax revenue from legalized pot in Colorado will come in at an estimated $69 Million this year, down from the projected $118 Million. Which will be more than made up for by the  additional tax revenue from pizzerias and bakeries that will bring in another $3 Billion.

A study says that plucking hairs in a precise pattern can make even more hair pop up in their place. And as any elderly man can tell you, those places are on the eyebrows, ears and nose.

A study says that narcissists tend to take better care of themselves but are also more prone to risky behavior. Like exposing themselves to all the germs that can be picked up from the need to start kissing every mirror they see.

A study says that soft floors can reduce injuries for elderly people when they fall. Which sounds about as practical as tying helium balloons to their arms so they don’t fall down in the first place.

A study says that soft floors can reduce injuries for elderly people from falls. Or they could just be covered with springs so they bounce right up every time they fall down.

A study says that fewer children are getting melanoma. Finally some good news about kids sitting on the couch all day while playing video games, eating junk food and never setting foot outside.

A consumer group wants to ban the word “diet” from diet sodas. Which means they should also looking at food companies that use the terms “fat free,” “all natural” and “one serving size.”

Experts say that the California drought could increase health risks across the state. Especially when your neighbors turn on their tap and nothing comes out and they see you outside washing your car with the sprinklers on and your kids playing on a Slip ‘N Slide.

A Tennessee woman who awoke from a coma after a car accident found out she had her baby. Talk about taking desperate measures to avoid having to go through a few hours of labor.

Eddie Murphy will receive the Mark Twain Prize for comedy at the Kennedy Center this year. The award is given to those whose humor has had an impact on American society. Fortunately, that means that no one on the judging panel has ever seen “Norbit.”

Chef Bobby Flay and his wife are reportedly splitting after ten years. The word got out after he posted a recipe online that started out with “separate two eggs, a husband and wife.”

Mark Cuban says college basketball referees “couldn’t manage a White Castle.” Which is ironic because that is where most college athletes end up when they leave campus without a diploma.

Tiger Woods shot 73 in the first round of the Masters, nine shots off the lead. The good news is that it was also nine shots better than anyone was expecting.

The Detroit Tigers set an AL record by starting off the season with throwing 24 straight shutout innings. The record in the National League is usually tied by whomever starts the season off playing the Mets.

Alex Rodriguez hit his first home run since returning from a yearlong suspension for using PEDs. He says going a year without hitting a home run was easy. He just imagined they expanded the playoffs to 12 months.

A study says that a toxic ocean played a huge part in a prehistoric mass extinction more than 200 Million years ago. Researchers say the oceans didn’t reach a level of similar toxicity until the episode where the entire cast of “Jersey Shore” took a dip at the beach.

A study says that 73% of American teens have access to a smartphone. The other 27% are waiting for a replacement because their phone was broken when they crashed their car into a tree while they were texting behind the wheel.

Sprint is set to open stores inside 1,435 RadioShack locations. The only problem will be the confusion when the person behind the counter asks customers signing up for phone service with Sprint if they need any batteries with that.

Apple has rescinded its policy against hiring people with recent felonies for construction work on their new offices. Apple has apologized, saying they made the mistake as it was the first time they had ever actually tried to hire Americans to build something.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday and that means only one thing for most of you. A two day break before any more of these jokes come out. Call me the Tiger Woods of comedy. I also get most weekends off. It is Masters week, so like many of you I will be watching the tournament over the weekend. The Masters is a mix of courage, ability and humility. Imagine winning a prestigious tournament in front of millions of viewers. They put your name on the trophy, give you millions of dollars in prize money and then make you wear a clownish green jacket. You have to love golf for that. It’s a bit different for me. As usual, my reward always comes when you all remember to send the love!

Thursday, April 09, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

President Obama’s former pilot says he once saw a UFO on a flight. Even when he is on Air Force One, the President can’t get away from his policy regarding aliens.

An Indonesian man survived a flight in the wheel well of a plane. He says it was cold, cramped and there was little air to breathe. In other words, it was about the same as booking a flight on Southwest.

A study says that too much time on Facebook can lead to depression. Mostly from realizing your life revolves around spending the entire day looking at what your friends ate for breakfast and videos of their cat playing with a ball of string.

A stamp with Maya Angelou includes a quote that wasn’t hers. Which is no big deal since the letters the stamps will be placed on will probably be delivered by the Post Office to an address that isn’t on the envelope.

A bobcat was photographed catching a shark on a beach in Florida. The man who took the picture has already sold the idea as a treatment for a movie that will appear next week on the SyFy Channel.

A study says the U.S. economy is out $233.3 Billion due to lost productivity as Americans wrestle with taxes. Which is ironic in that if those people spent that time at work instead, they might actually have an income that makes it worth filling out a return.

A study says the U.S. economy is out $233.3 Billion due to lost productivity as Americans wrestle with taxes. Which means between April tax day and March Madness,  there are two months where absolutely nothing gets done in most offices around the country.

ESPN says it won’t allow a 12 year old boy who filled out a near perfect NCAA bracket to be eligible for a prize because he is too young. Officials suspected something was wrong when his picks called for San Diego State to lose to SpongeBob SquarePants.

Congress has come up with a 600 page rewrite to No Child Left Behind. Which shows that when it comes to education, the only ones who have been left behind are our legislators.

Tax Freedom Day, when Americans have worked long enough to pay all their taxes falls on April 24th this year. The good news is that for all the people who haven’t been able to find work since 2007, they pretty much have all their taxes paid on January 1st.

A report says that driverless cars can cause motion sickness. Either that or people’s queasiness is caused by the fact they can now get completely drunk while the car drives itself around.

LaGuardia Airport in New York has been rated as the most frustrating for frequent fliers. Especially for fliers who use the airport to fly to JFK for their real flight because it is faster than trying to drive through Manhattan traffic.

A report says that U.S. job openings are at the highest since 2001. Mostly because no one is applying for them as the wages they are offering are the lowest since 1967.

Southwest Airlines was voted as having the best frequent flier program. United Airlines was not included in the survey since most people who have ever flown with them consider one time too many.

Former “Saturday Night Live” comic Gary Kroeger has announced he will run for Congress from Iowa. Although if anyone is more qualified to run for Congress from a network TV show, it would be one of the stars of “Lost.”

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has written a book saying it took “moral courage” to steer the country through the financial crisis. It took even more courage to actually expect people to believe we are through the crisis.

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has written a book saying it took “moral courage” to steer the country through the financial crisis. Fortunately for the Wall Street bankers who caused the crash, Congress and the Justice Department have absolutely no morals or courage for letting them get away with it.

ABC “World News Tonight” anchor David Muir says he wouldn’t wish Brian Williams’ woes on anyone. Except maybe for Lester Holt, Scott Pelley and Matt Lauer.

The California water drought has started a boom for water trucks. Which is nothing new in Beverly Hills, where water has been delivered by truck for years. The only difference is that their trucks say “Perrier,” “Aquafina” and “Evian.”

Major League Baseball spring training attendance reached 4 Million for the first time this year. Mostly from all the people in Boston who flew down to Florida just to watch an activity that didn’t involve snow shovels.

A study says that exercise in mice lessens the risk of heart defects in newborns. The only hard part is convincing pregnant women to run inside a stationary wheel for hours at a time.

President Obama says he hasn’t given up on gun control. Which is good since he apparently has given up on the economy, peace in the Middle East and unifying the country.

A study says that 1 in 10 Americans with anger issues have access to guns. Or as they are otherwise known across the country, “southerners.”

A survey shows that injury prevention programs are unpopular with high school coaches. Mostly the ones who know that if their players aren’t hurt, they just aren’t trying hard enough.

A study says that older adults who are involved in creative activities can delay memory problems. Which is bad for the ones who remember when they could do something other than sit around the home making arts and crafts.

A study says that a shorter stature can increase the risk of heart disease. So after all this time it shows that maybe Randy Newman was really on to something.

A study says that a shorter stature can increase the risk of heart disease. Which means the new guidelines for having possible heart problems will be blood pressure, cholesterol and being shorter than Dick Cheney.

Kate Middleton will reportedly take a longer maternity leave with her second child. Which means she will get back to her royal duties just as soon as someone actually figures out what those are.

Kate Middleton will reportedly take a longer maternity leave with her second child. As a member of the Royal Family, that means she should start making public appearances sometime between the child’s adolescence and early adulthood.

The rock group Twister Sister is reportedly breaking up. Their fans were surprised by the announcement. They thought the group split up in 1987.

A bottled water called 90H2O is selling for $100,000 a bottle. There are only nine for sale and the bottles come with a diamond studded cap. New Yorkers are laughing at the idea, saying for the same amount you can get both a hot dog and soft drink at a Yankees game.

Michelle Obama says the Secret Service taught their daughter Malia to drive. Which lets them know that she has come home from school when they hear her crashing her car into the White House gates.

The National Basketball Players Association is launching their own awards to be voted on by the players. There will be three awards for best shooter, depending on whether the incidents involved a Glock, Beretta or Smith & Wesson.

A report says that Russians were able to hack into a White House computer and were able to access President Obama’s schedule. It was a tremendous breach of security that put the President’s life in danger as they knew exactly which golf course they could find him at on any day.

A study says that Europeans developed a pale skin tone only in the last 8,000 years. Which means the evolutionary chart has moved from George Hamilton to Mick Jagger all the way to Elton John.

A San Francisco man was acquitted of robbery charges when he said instead of breaking into an apartment he thought he was entering a spaceship to leave the planet. At least it answers the question as to whatever happened to that jury that found O.J. Simpson not guilty.

Youtube says it will start letting people watch videos commercial free for a fee. Which is worth it for the people who can’t stand to see their cat videos interrupted by ads, except for the ones that feature more cats.

President Obama was in Jamaica where he visited the Bob Marley Museum. It’s the only building in the western hemisphere where the no smoking section is actually outside.

President Obama was in Jamaica where he visited the Bob Marley Museum. The gift shop sells mainly videos of what’s inside the museum for people who can’t remember going there.

A Fox News poll says the government is the biggest problem in the U.S. and taxes are too high. The poll also says for all those kids to get off my lawn.

A Fox News poll says the government is the biggest problem in the U.S. and taxes are too high. Throw in “It’s all Obama’s fault” and “Benghazi” and you have pretty much spanned the entire content for Fox News nightly prime time programming.

White House visitors and staffers will reportedly now have access to a gender neutral restroom. Most people want to visit the restroom just to see that there is a place in Washington, D.C. that is actually labeled as “neutral.”

Bill Clinton says he will be a “backstage adviser” to Hillary during her presidential campaign. After that, he will return to his normal status as backdoor man.

Bob Schieffer has announced his retirement from “Face The Nation.” Since Stephen Colbert left “The Colbert Report” and John Stewart announce he will retire from “The Daily Show,” Schieffer figured what better time to also make his exit from a fake news program?

A report says that beards can present health problems for men. Which is good news as the report comes right at the time all the members of ZZ Top are now old enough to qualify for Medicare.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Baseball season is now underway and the Masters golf tournament starts today. That means we have jumped past winter, through spring and are now in the middle of summer for all I care. I can hardly wait to celebrate the warm time of year by sitting inside and watching golf on TV and complaining how hot it is. The only thing that could make things better this time of year is if you all take the time to remember to send the love!