Sunday, January 15, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The L.A. County Sheriff’s Department says it will soon begin using drones. They will help responding to bomb threats, hostage crises and in saving time by making direct deliveries from the donut shop to squad cars.

A driverless shuttle is being tested in downtown Las Vegas. It is proving very convenient for people needing to go directly to the Greyhound Bus depot after losing their car at the Roulette Wheel.

A study shows that people who work fewer hours are more likely to make more in raises and bonuses than others. Otherwise known as the company front office.

A study shows that people who work fewer hours are more likely to make more in raises and bonuses than others. Which is great news for people who are looking to cut back their hours from 90 to only 85 hours a week.

A study shows that people who work fewer hours are more likely to make more in raises and bonuses than others. The proof of that is the 15 hour work week and $175,000 salary not counting bribes and kickbacks for members of Congress.

A study says 257 minutes is the maximum daily time that can be spent on computers by teenagers before harming their wellbeing. Which means they can break up the other 19 hours and 43 minutes on snacking, watching TV and sleeping.

A study says 257 minutes is the maximum daily time that can be spent on computers by teenagers before harming their wellbeing. Now if parents could just figure out hot to get their kids to work in at least 5 minutes of their day on homework.

The White House transition team is calling for drug tests for the press corps. Are they serious? What do they expect the White House Press Corps to be under the influence of besides champagne, caviar and filet mignon?

The White House transition team is calling for drug tests for the press corps. Hopefully the only substance they are under the influence of in having to deal with the White House Press Secretary is Ritalin.

A Chinese restaurant in Italy is being accused of serving a human foot. Apparently it started when a customer complained their food contained a toenail. And a toe, heel and ankle.

A Chinese restaurant in Italy is being accused of serving a human foot. Apparently a customer ordered pork and the waiter misunderstood and served them Ten Little Piggies.

A Chinese restaurant in Italy is being accused of serving a human foot. Apparently a customer ordered corn and onions and the server thought they wanted corns and bunions.

A Florida woman who was stolen as a baby from a hospital has been found alive 18 years later. Her biological parents were shocked. They missed out on all the fun of raising her during the early years and get her back just in time to pay for college.

A woman was denied Swiss citizenship because of her complaints about cowbells. The final straw was when she protested plans for a concert by Blue Oyster Cult. (You need to be a long time SNL fan to get that one…)

A woman was denied Swiss citizenship because of her complaints about cowbells. That’s about like someone being told they can’t live in Southern California because they keep griping about all the traffic.

Bernard Madoff has reportedly cornered the hot chocolate market at his prison. Which means if he ever gets out he will have a fortune to spend if he can find anyone who barters with candy bars and cigarettes.

Bernard Madoff has reportedly cornered the hot chocolate market at his prison. Although he’s out of his league with the real hardball business leader inmates who still control the local toilet wine industry.

Zhou Youguang, who simplified writing Chinese has died at 111. He got his idea after spending his first 110 years trying to finish reading just one book.

The Chairman of the Codelco copper company in Chile was injured when a package in his office exploded. The sad part is that he was so excited about finally getting delivery on his new Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone.

Mike Pence is set to be sworn in as Vice President by Justice Clarence Thomas. Apparently the new administration wants to show the public that despite his history on the Supreme Court, he actually does know how to speak.

A report says that a college degree starts paying off by age 34. Meaning that by then the graduate will be making enough money to be able to pay off their tuition loans around the time they reach 67.

A report says since the “Miracle on the Hudson,” 70,000 gulls, starlings, geese and other birds have been killed around New York airports. The good news is that it has allowed the cost of airport-bought McNuggets to drop by half.

A California company has recalled boots with a treat that reportedly leave a Swastika imprint. Although that usually happens only when walking along with a goose step.

Donald Trump has raised a reported $90 Million for his Inauguration Ceremony. Which means they will have plenty of money left over after paying the combined entertainment fees for Toby Keith, Paul Anka and the Rockettes of $327.

President Obama’s DOJ reportedly will not push an antitrust case against the nation’s major airlines. The determined their practices are not an issue of collusion, but are based on the fact the individual carriers just happen to all be greedy.

The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child through age 17 is $233,610. Which drops to $1,722 for the kids who decide to not go to college.

Three former Takata workers have been indicted over the company’s defective airbags. The company was also fined $1 Billion, which is small change compared to how much they will have to pay for the airbags that will be defending them in court.

The Chicago Cubs have signed a long-term deal with the maker of Jim Beam. Which is a good fit as the company was always there for the fans to turn to all those years before the finally won the World Series.

GOP lawmakers are moving to strike down a Washington, D.C. right to die law. Apparently Republicans feel that no one has the right to end their own lives. That’s up to Congress when they repeal Obamacare.

Researchers are looking at hallucinogens for treatment of mental disorders. Mostly to put them in a fantasy world where they think their health insurance will actually cover their therapy and prescription bills.

A study links concussions with an increased risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. The good news is that it will eventually make them forget that the headache they are experiencing is actually the same one they have had every day for the past 20 years.

A study says a baby’s gender is linked to their mother’s blood pressure before becoming pregnant. And in the case of boys, it is directly related to how high their blood pressure skyrockets by the time they become a toddler.

A study says cooking food at too high a temperature could result in heart disease. Which is caused by people who cook their food even hotter because they can’t wait another five minutes to get their next meal on the plate.

Johnny Depp is suing his ex-managers alleging they caused him millions of dollars of losses. Mostly by not talking him out of making “The Lone Ranger.”

Nicole Kidman says it is time for Americans to support Donald Trump as President. Which is not exactly a great endorsement coming from someone who not only appeared with Tom Cruise in “Eyes Wide Shut” but they went on to marry him.

Peter Blatty, author of “The Exorcist” has died at age 89. Apparently he was fine until his head spun around three times and he vomited pea soup everywhere.

The Oakland Raiders will file a request to relocate to Las Vegas. The ceremony is set to be performed by an Elvis impersonator outside a drive-through wedding chapel.

The NFL has hired more minority first time head coaches this week than over the previous five years. Which is not to be confused with what most people regard as a minority coach in the NFL, meaning someone with a winning record in Cleveland.

The UFC has reportedly offered Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor $25 Million each to fight. Which was insulting to Mayweather who was paid $220 Million to get in the ring with Manny Pacquiao and not even have to defend against any punches.

A report says Los Angeles City College has paid $28,000 to free itself from ransomware. Which was not that big of a deal as they were able to get the money back when a new student enrolled to take three classes.

China has vowed to stop electroshock therapy for people in detox camps for Internet addiction because of human rights concerns. Apparently they will just go back to their previous punishment for dissident behavior, the firing squad.

A report says department store sales have fallen for the eleventh straight year. Now people only need to go to an actual store one day a year so they don’t miss out on the brawls or looting that now only happens on Black Friday.

Cellphone carriers are bracing for massive data usage during Donald Trump’s Inauguration. And that’s just from all the chaos that will be caused when Trump starts tweeting about what he will really be doing when he is officially President.

Astronomers say two stars 1,800 light years away will merge and explode sometime in 2022, meaning the event actually already happened 18 centuries ago. And you thought the NFL took a long time on instant replay.

Cesar Millan was reportedly the victim of a home burglary. Instead of barking to scare away the intruders, his dogs did as he trained them and just whispered.

Sonny Crockett’s 1986 Ferrari from “Miami Vice” is up for sale. The winning bid not only gets the car but Philip Michael Thomas will be included to come around on weekends to wash it.

Dick Gautier, who played Hymie the Robot on “Get Smart” in the 1960s has died at 85. In a futuristic look ahead, Hymie became the first robot to take a job from a human when he outsourced Agent 13.

One of Burt Reynolds' vintage custom Pontiac Trans-Ams from "Smokey and the Bandit" is up for sale. Not to say Reynolds is getting older, but he is dropping from 600 horses to just enough juice to get his rascal to the Early Bird Special at Carrows.

A report says new information has become available about the possible ID of hijacker D.B. Cooper. Apparently it has something to do with his tagged luggage from the 1971 flight  finally making it to the final destination in Seattle.

The Ringling Bros. Circus is planning to shut down after 146 years. The show that featured clown acts and was founded by the man who said "There's a sucker born every minute" could no longer compete with what goes on in Congress.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Less than a week before Donald Trump becomes our next President. That still feels really weird to type out. Now I’m just waiting for the official orders to come down that no more Trump jokes will be permitted on the Internet. Well, at least I’ll still have Justin Bieber, Adam Sandler and Chris Christie. And the Cleveland Browns. And Alabama. So there you go. I just hope it will still be permissible for all of you to keep on always sending the love!


Friday, January 13, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A European Union committee has voted in favor of a draft to give legal status to robots. That means they will finally have the right to unionize to protect the jobs that they have taken from all the humans.

The EPA has accused Fiat Chrysler of excess emissions from their diesel engines. To which Fiat Chrysler says it’s not a problem since it only happens during the short amount of time the engines are actually still working.

A report says 40% of California is out of the drought following recent storms. The only problem is the other 60% of the state is on its way to Nevada in a mudslide.

A type of bumblebee is the first species of bee to be placed on the endangered species list. Which is really going to hurt gun sales, resorts and equipment retailers during the traditional bumblebee hunting season.

A type of bumblebee is the first species of bee to be placed on the endangered species list. Although that isn’t completely true if you include the performance of American students in the past few years of the National Spelling Bee.

Researchers say multitasking lowers a person’s IQ. Which is what should be placed on the tombstones of people who ended up going head on into a tree while they were texting and driving.

 Researchers say multitasking lowers a person’s IQ. Although the study really didn’t get into the details of why because the researchers were too busy trying to make the deadline on three other reports.

Researchers say multitasking lowers a person’s IQ. Just watch anyone who is trying to post on Facebook while playing Pokemon Go and taking a selfie all at the same time.

Paul Anka is set to sing “My Way” at Donald Trump’s Inauguration. Mostly because the song’s titles coincidentally is also the name of Trump’s style of government.

Paul Anka is set to sing “My Way” at Donald Trump’s Inauguration. Which shows Trump is creating jobs as promised, giving Paul Anka his first gig since 1978.

A poll says religion plummeted during the eight years of the Obama presidency. Mostly from people who had given up after thinking that praying was going to help them get through the George W. Bush years.

Scientists say baboon grunts and mating calls may hold the secrets of human speech. Mostly because it is almost exactly the same as what can be heard when men are gathered on a Sunday afternoon watching football at Hooter’s.

A survey says smartphone and Internet use are at a record high in the U.S. At least that is what the assumption is since no one took the survey because they couldn’t take the time to put down their cellphone or look away from their computer.

Amazon says it will create 100,000 jobs in the U.S. over the next 18 months. Finally there’s a payoff for all the kids who spent all those years on the couch playing video games who are now qualified to be hired when they start delivery with drones.

Amazon says it will create 100,000 jobs in the U.S. over the next 18 months. Not with Amazon, but at city landfills making room for all the Amazon Christmas presents that will have been tossed in the trash by February.

A report says Donald Trump’s new Cadillac One presidential limo will be equipped with a teargas cannon and shotgun. The weaponry is to ward off attackers, terrorists and any CNN reporters.

A judge in Spain has dropped charges against two puppeteers who were charged with performing a show that glorified terrorism and hate. Which makes authorities in the U.S. concerned there could be a whole generation of terrorists who have been indoctrinated by Kukla, Fran and Ollie.

A judge in Spain has dropped charges against two puppeteers who were charged with performing a show that glorified terrorism and hate. Even better, they have been hired by Vladimir Putin and put in charge of the government in the Ukraine.

Atlantic City casinos have posted their first revenue hike in ten years. Mostly from the casinos placing their own bets that all of the properties in town owned by Donald Trump would go bankrupt.

Donald Trump’s pick to run the CIA says ye would not carry out any orders for torture. Which is good news for any suspected terrorists who will be assured they don’t have to watch eight straight hours of reruns of “The Apprentice.”

The TSA says they confiscated a record number of guns in carryon luggage last year. The bad news is that turning their attention to weapons means potential terrorists were able to board planes with a record number of bottles containing more than three ounces of liquid.

Arby’s is selling venison at two stores in Nebraska. Mostly because local suppliers ran out of their usual sandwich ingredients of fox, rabbit and coyote.

Takata is set to plead guilty and pay $1 Billion in fines for their defective airbags. It was the largest amount of money associated with defective airbags other than the $20 Trillion national debt run up by Congress.

Donald Trump is making an effort to end the era where the U.S. is “hacked by everybody.” He can save millions of dollars in upgrades by pretty much telling all the government workers to not use “12335” and “password” as a password.

Donald Trump is making an effort to end the era where the U.S. is “hacked by everybody.” Mostly so that when he runs for reelection some other country can’t do to him what they did to Hillary Clinton to knock her out of the race.

Donald Trump has made cutting the number of federal workers a high priority. The only problem is that for every government worker he cuts, his administration will be hiring two more lawyers just to handle the fallout from his Twitter account.

Taco Bell has unveiled a new taco with a shell made of fried chicken. The only problem is the chicken used will be antibiotic free so customers will have to remember to bring their own.

Taco Bell has unveiled a new taco with a shell made of fried chicken. The good news is that the shells don’t fall apart because when dunked in hot grease the feathers, bones and beaks really stick together well.

The National Academy of Science has issued a report on the good and bad effects of marijuana. The good news is that can relieve pain and other medical symptoms. The bad news is that the study was commissioned back in 1983.

CVS has cut the price of the generic competitor of the EpiPen to one sixth that of Mylan. The good news is the competition allows Mylan to keep gouging people who don’t like generic brands at the unconscionably exorbitant rate they have become accustomed to.

Supporters in Ohio have raised $40,000 to help keep a 108 year old woman from being kicked out of her home. She says that’s the last time she ever buys a house using a 75 year home mortgage loan.

Supporters in Ohio have raised $40,000 to help keep a 108 year old woman from being kicked out of her home. The problem is she was renting and at her age wanted to go from a lease to more of a day to day payment.

A study says pot eases pain, but can also cause schizophrenia. The good news for users is at that point, the pain pretty much belongs to someone else.

Will Smith and Tom Hanks are reportedly in talks with Tim Burton for his live-action version of “Dumbo.” The only problem is that is also the working title for the planned Michael Moore documentary of the Trump Administration.

Authorities say that the robbery of Kim Kardashian in France may have been an inside job. To which Kardashian says that is what she has been saying all along. She told police it happened while she was inside her hotel room.

The NBA is considering speeding up the end of games to suit shorter attention spans. Although the league wasn’t specific if they were referring to the attention span of the fans or the players.

The NBA is considering speeding up the end of games to suit shorter attention spans. Major League Baseball is also considering making games faster, especially since they stopped timing with a clock and are now using the calendar.

An executive at Monster Energy drinks says the company is going to “bring a party” to NASCAR. Which isn’t hard to do considering that at the average NASCAR race there is more alcohol going into the fans than the fuel tanks.

An executive at Monster Energy drinks says the company is going to “bring a party” to NASCAR. And what says “party” more than supplying high caffeinated beverages to people who are liquored up while waving around firearms and Confederate flags?

The Los Angeles Chargers are planning to spend the next two years playing at the smallest NFL stadium, the StubHub Center in Carson. Which makes sense as there is no point to have too many empty seats surrounding their four season ticket holders.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the Chargers “worked tirelessly” to get a new stadium to keep them in San Diego. It’s just too bad the team didn’t get more fans interested in keeping them there by working a little more tirelessly on their defense.

Bo Jackson says if he had known about head injuries he wouldn’t have played football. So it turns out after all these years that Bo really didn’t know.

Researchers say they were able to transform timid lab mice into aggressive killing machines by activating their brain’s amygdala. Or they could have gotten the same results letting them sit in traffic for four hours without moving on the 405 Freeway.

A report says robots will not be taking jobs away from people as fast as some are fearing. Mostly because it’s hard to find any robots who will risk being shot at working the overnight shift at a 7-Eleven for minimum wage.

Scientists have tied the tiniest, tightest knot ever. Except for the ones that take a half hour to untangle in your headphones every time you try to put them on.

A report says every tweet by Donald Trump activates thousands of computer algorithms. Mostly those alerting about societal meltdown, stock market crashes or nuclear war.

Researchers have found a pile of skeletons inside a 2,400 year old tomb in Iraq. Is that really news? What else did they expect to find there?

Researchers have found a pile of skeletons inside a 2,400 year old tomb in Iraq. The scientific world was surprised. There is something in Iraq that dates back fewer than 5,000 years?

Rosie O’Donnell says she supports martial law being declared until Donald Trump is investigated further. Which is a strange request considering her biggest fear is that Trump might declare martial law.

C-SPAN’s online feed had its signal interrupted briefly by Russian TV Thursday. Until it was fixed it caused a real scare for the three people who actually happened to be watching C-SPAN.

C-SPAN’s online feed had its signal interrupted briefly by Russian TV Thursday. Although most people saw it coming and figured it was only a matter of time before Congress followed Donald Trump’s lead and turned things over to the Russians.

The CEO of Fiat Chrysler says charges of cheating on emissions testing are “hogwash.” Which brings up the question of would you really want to buy a car from a company that still uses the word “hogwash”?

President Obama awarded Joe Biden the Medal of Freedom. Although when he leaves the White House, Obama will have the freedom from having to sit down and try and have a conversation with Biden that lasts less than three hours.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday the 13th, probably no coincidence that we are just one week from the inauguration of Donald Trump. I have a feeling that after that, when you Google “Trump,” this blog will come up first. He is more comedy gold than Jimmy Carter, George W. Bush and the Clintons combined. While my job will be getting easier here, no effort is too great when I am rewarded by all of you remembering to keep on always sending the love!


Thursday, January 12, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump got in a heated discussion at a news conference with a reporter from CNN and called the network “fake news.” That accusation came as a complete surprise to the three viewers who still watch CNN.

Donald Trump got in a heated discussion at a news conference with a reporter from CNN and called the network “fake news.” So far there is no comment from the network which is still working to see if the charges are false or not.

Facebook made it onto a list of America’s most hated companies. Which is mostly a result of the self-loathing of the people who spend 17 hours a day logged on looking at cat videos and what their friends ate for breakfast.

Facebook made it onto a list of America’s most hated companies. To which the social network says it’s not true, that it was simply another fake news report that someone put on Facebook.

Facebook made it onto a list of America’s most hated companies. What’s even worse is that it was more unpopular than Carnival, Goldman Sachs and AT&T.

Facebook made it onto a list of America’s most hated companies. In other words, it was like getting half the people you know on the site to simultaneously hit the “unfriend” button.

Experts say some ingredients in salads may make people miserable. The way to make them happier is to replace the lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers with some fat, sugar and salt.

The Air Force says it will allow people to enlist who smoke pot and have more than 25% of their body covered with tattoos. Which would be good news if they were trying to start recruiting airmen from the NBA.

California storms have added 350 Billion gallons to parched reservoirs. The heavy rains are causing all kinds of problems except in Hollywood where women have been informed their breast implants can be used as floatation devices.

A study says migraine sufferers are at a higher risk of strokes after surgery. Most other people are still at the usual increased risk of stroke following surgery when they are given their hospital bills.

Chicago saw a decade high homicide rate in 2016 of 812 people. The number is much lower in Texas where deaths don’t make the homicide list as long as the victim was confirmed to have “needed killin.’”

A report says Germany welcomed far fewer immigrants in 2016. People were surprised. When has Germany “welcomed” anybody?

Police in England say British children’s author Helen Bailey was killed by her fiancĂ©e. Investigators were still trying to determine was she was murdered in a box, was she murdered with a fox?

Walgreens and FedEx will offer package pickup and drop-off at 8,000 pharmacies. Which will make for much more convenient one-stop shopping for all of the nation’s opioid dealers.

Treasury Secretary nominee Steve Mnuchin has reportedly been polishing his signature before it appears on the nation’s currency. For one thing, he has made it easier to read by forking out the money to actually buy a vowel.

A survey says one in three banking customers would consider an account run online by Google, Facebook or Amazon. It would be convenient to look up how much money you have on Google, use it to pay for worthless junk on Amazon and when overdrawn on Facebook just get unfriended.

Secretary of State nominee Rex Tillerson ducked questions in his confirmation hearing about whether his company ExxonMobil misled the public on climate change. He says the company has only misled the public on how much they have been price gouging everyone since 2007.

Facebook has launched a journalism project to help those who gather the news. The only question is wasn’t that what all the reporters were supposed to learn while they were in college?

Facebook has launched a journalism project to help those who gather the news. The first rule is to never take seriously any news report they find on Facebook.

Facebook has launched a journalism project to help those who gather the news. Which hopefully means the course will be taken by the people at NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times, USA Today…

A data firm says the U.S. salaries will keep growing this year. At least as long as the cities and states keep voting to raise the minimum wage.

VW has pleaded guilty over its emissions scandal with charges of conspiracy and obstruction. Which means the company executives now have the necessary background and experience to run for Congress.

Amazon Prime has announced its own credit card. Apparently it’s for those who think that people who think it’s just too snobby and pretentious to go with the Discover Card.

Pharmaceutical company stocks plummeted after Donald Trump called them “a disaster.” The good news is the share prices went right back up with all the prescriptions for antidepressants that were written out for the company CEOs.

A study says U.S. chain restaurants are not following their promise to boost the nutritional quality of their kids’ menus. Apparently they are afraid if they do that, they will pretty much be bringing out an empty plate.

A study says U.S. chain restaurants are not following their promise to boost the nutritional quality of their kids’ menus. Those that are simply cut out the middleman and take the meals right from the kitchen over to the trash bin.

Experts warn that with no new antidepressants in sight despite a growing need. Mostly from news like there are no new depression medications in sight.

Researchers say cutting the salt content in food by 10% could save millions of lives worldwide from heart disease. The only problem is the only way to get people to eat food without salt is to increase the amount of fat and sugar.

A study says weather conditions are not to blame for people’s aches and pains. At least not directly. There is a link to headaches from tuning in every day and hearing all of Al Roker’s bad jokes.

A study says weather conditions are not to blame for people’s aches and pains. Which is good news for the TV stations who can breathe a sigh of relief they didn’t waste all those millions of dollars on computers and their own RADAR system.

A study says weather conditions are not to blame for people’s aches and pains. Which is a disappointment for the National Weather Service meteorologists who can no longer make a forecast by calling grandma.

A study says weather conditions are not to blame for people’s aches and pains. Which will be met with an argument by anyone who has ever been hit by lightning.

A study says high insurance deductibles can take a toll on a family’s finances. Especially when the deductible, copays and premiums add up to more than the cost of the medical bills.

A study says high insurance deductibles can take a toll on a family’s finances. The good news is that it takes the pressure off the families of health insurance CEOs when they buy yet another vacation home in the Hamptons.

A study says the appendix may have a use after all, protecting beneficial bacteria in the gut. Until now it was just seen as a quick way for hospitals to make $25,000 by taking them out.

A family in Texas found they could calm their newborn by letting her watch the Dallas Cowboys. As opposed to people in Ohio who find that kids of all ages along with adults can be put right to sleep when they watch the Cleveland Browns.

The White House has lifted a 40 year ban on using cameras on public tours. Mostly as an easier way to gather evidence with video of the Secret Service chasing each new intruder through the East Wing.

The White House has lifted a 40 year ban on using cameras on public tours. Which was done on purpose by President Obama as a way to upset Donald Trump by making it so he can’t walk to the Oval Office in his underwear every day.

Ben Affleck says he is bracing for an “entertaining” Trump presidency. Which is pretty much a guarantee just looking at how things have gone during the audience warm up.

Ben Affleck says he is bracing for an “entertaining” Trump presidency. To which Donald Trump says he wishes he could say the same thing about Affleck’s films from “Reindeer Games” through “Jersey Girl.”

Natalie Portman says Ashton Kutcher was paid three times as much as she was for the movie “No Strings Attached.” People were surprised. People were paid to make that film?

Natalie Portman says Ashton Kutcher was paid three times as much as she was for the movie “No Strings Attached.” To which Kutcher says he will make up for it by giving her a dollar and making it two bucks apiece.

Natalie Portman says Ashton Kutcher was paid three times as much as she was for the movie “No Strings Attached.” Although it’s tough not to pay someone more who comes into the project with a body of work that includes “Dude, Where’s My Car?”

A former Miss United States has been charged with assaulting her boyfriend. Fortunately she did well enough in the bathing suit and evening gown competitions to make up for coming up short in the points for Miss Congeniality.

A former Miss United States has been charged with assaulting her boyfriend. Apparently he had no idea she won the talent competition with a demonstration of Tae Kwon Do.

A former Miss United States has been charged with assaulting her boyfriend. He says he was fearing for his life when he found himself being pointed at by a pair of 38s.

A former Miss United States has been charged with assaulting her boyfriend. She reportedly has a degree in biomedical and nuclear science. She has an action movie career in her future as a combination of biological and nuclear warfare in high heels.

Snooki Polizzi slammed Donald Trump for his “New Celebrity Apprentice” tweet knocking the show’s ratings as “weird.” How bad is it when you are called out for your behavior by a former cast member of “Jersey Shore”?

Victoria Beckham says she regrets getting breast implants. Now people are just waiting for the apology they never got for her doing “Spice World.”

Victoria Beckham says she regrets getting breast implants. Although they did help her career by getting her into the Spice Girls instead of wasting all her money on voice lessons.

George Lucas says he is bringing his $1 Billion “Star Wars” museum to Los Angeles. It will finally bring some revenge for those who will actually be ushered to the front of line ahead of everyone else by showing up wearing corduroy.

Allen Iverson is part of a group of retired NBA players who are joining a 3 on 3 league started by Ice Cube. Which means that Iverson will be able to play in games where he only has to ignore two other teammates.

A new smartphone comes with a molecular sensor that enables it to “see” inside objects. Like the vast vacuum between Kim Kardashian’s ears every time she decides to take another selfie.

Scientists say they have proven the Moon is much older than previously thought at 4.51 Billion years. Not really. It’s just that they can pretty much just make up any number they want and who is going to be able to argue it?

Scientists say they have proven the Moon is much older than previously thought at 4.51 Billion years. Which is really bad news for the real estate agent who has had the listing rights all this time and has been able to move absolutely nothing.

Massachusetts is weighing in on staying on Daylight Saving Time all year. Mostly because people there are tired of having to “drive the cah to the pahk when it is still too dahk.”

A poll says 1 in 10 Americans say they will die in debt. The other 9 are also saying that but just so their kids won’t try to kill them for the inheritance.

A poll says 1 in 10 Americans say they will die in debt. Mostly because they want to be patriotic and live their life the same way as their country.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Donald Trump is waging war against the intelligence community. Which is ironic in that just doesn’t sound like a very smart battle to start. The good news is that Trump may finally be the one to bring the country together just because it will be so much fun to watch the infighting between all the different branches of the government. We should set the example and show that the best way to get along is to make sure to remember to always keep on sending the love!