Tuesday, March 03, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

290 new billionaires have been added to the Forbes list of the world’s richest, including Michael Jordan. Which finally gives men like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett the chance to do something they never could do before. Be like Mike.

290 new billionaires have been added to the Forbes list of the world’s richest, including Michael Jordan. Which no doubt led to high fives between all the ten year olds for a job well done sewing together Air Jordans in all those factories in China.

Researchers say that a treadmill test can predict a person’s life expectancy. The worst scores go to the people who cannot correctly identify which of the objects in the room is the treadmill.

Pope Francis I attacked the “throw away culture” of globalization. Which is not to be confused with sitting around watching “The Kardashians” and throwing away any chance of having culture.

A study says that using Facebook can lead to envy and serious depression. Mostly from people who see their friends are much more successful than they are because they don’t sit around posting all day posting pictures of everything they eat on Facebook.

A study says that using Facebook can lead to envy and serious depression. Mostly for people who realize they have 5,000 “friends” who only like them for the cat videos they post online.

Ikea is turning its furniture into wireless phone chargers. Which is convenient for people who need to call someone to help them figure out how to put together all their Ikea furniture.

Privacy glasses that are made using LEDs can reportedly light up and avoid facial recognition software. Apparently it works by the software seeing assuming the person wearing flashing glasses must be Elton John.

A mysterious priest in San Antonio is taking online digital confessions. The number one confession is from middle aged men who are simultaneously logged in on Myspace.

A mysterious priest in San Antonio is taking online digital confessions. It’s the most confessions involving computers heard by anyone other than the women who catch their husbands in the act with another woman using Skype.

Two Canadian men who were caught digging a tunnel near a Pan Am Games venue say they were using it as a “man cave.” Apparently no one told them they could have saved themselves a lot of trouble by just putting a flat screen TV in their den.

An online documentary on pollution in China has been viewed by 100 Million people. The only way to get that many hits in the U.S. would be if the pictures of pollution were mixed in with cat videos and selfies of Kim Kardashian.

Illinois Senator Mark Kirk says that Chicago could go the way of Detroit if Mayor Rahm Emanuel is not reelected. The worst part is that most people in Chicago are asking if that would be a good or bad thing.

The artist who painted the presidential portrait of Bill Clinton hanging in the National Gallery says it has a hidden reference to Monica Lewinsksy. Which is in addition to the fact that Clinton insisted on posing for the painting not wearing any pants.

A report says that China’s space plans threaten the ability of the U.S. military ability to win conflicts. Apparently their space program has been in effect all the way through Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam and Korea.

Goodyear says it is returning to making bicycle tires. The only problem is that any Americans peddling down the road with a Goodyear insignia may be confused with their blimp.

The NFL has set the salary cap for its teams in 2015 at $143.28 Million. Or as NFL owners call $143.28 Million, the going price of a decent second vacation home.

Data says people ate more meals at fast food restaurants rather than full service eateries last year. A full service restaurant is one where your server will actually help operate the defibrillator for customers finishing off their third cheeseburger.

Judge Judy has extended her contract with CBS through 2020. Not to say the show is going to her head, but that is still three years sooner than the release date on the sentence she imposed on three of last year’s defendants.

Judge Judy has extended her contract with CBS through 2020. Not to say the show is going to her head, but she has already agreed for next season to hear one of the appeals on Obamacare.

131 Californians are on the latest Forbes list of billionaires. It’s pretty easy to identify the people in California who qualify. They are the people who have actually paid off their home mortgages.

New Philadelphia Fed Chief Patrick Harker, President of the University of Delaware says traditional universities may become extinct. People were surprised. The University of Delaware is still in business?

A study says that night pain could be linked to sleep disorders. Especially the pain that comes from having your wife catch you sneaking into the bedroom at 4 AM.

A study says that peanuts may lower the risk of death from heart disease. Unless the only peanuts you eat are the ones they give away at Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

A study says that it is easy for teenagers to buy e-cigarettes online. Which is still better than how easy it is to get painkillers, antidepressants and tranquilizers just by going into their parents’ medicine cabinet.

A study says that heart valve repair surgery may ease people’s depression and anxiety. At least until they get their medical bills for their heart valve surgery.

A government report says that antipsychotic drugs are overused for people with dementia. Mostly because it’s probably a lot better to let them live in their own world than to bring them back to the reality of being an old person stuck in a retirement home.

A study says that very obese children may face higher heart risks than thought. Especially the ones who when playing hide and go seek find they are the hiding place for all the other kids.

A study says that very obese children may face higher heart risks than thought. Especially the ones who only want to play freeze tag because they get out of breath when they actually try to move.

Cameron Diaz says the secret to staying young is having lots of sex. Which is not too much of a problem when you are a woman and look like Cameron Diaz.

A pregnant model was on the runway at the Dolce and Gabbana motherhood themed show in Milan. She made the announcement that she is expecting by saying she is now eating for one.

“The Last Man on Earth” premiered on Fox over the weekend. The only good news is that with only one person left on the planet, CNN was the only channel that didn’t see a decline in viewership.

A poll says that George Clooney was chosen as the most stylish man of all time. Which was unfortunate for the GEICO cavemen who never had a chance with all the negative publicity from PETA against wearing fur.

A poll says that George Clooney was chosen as the most stylish man of all time. Which was too bad for all the Roman emperors who saw togas fall out of fashion back in the 1970s.

Suge Knight was sent to the hospital because he claims he is blind in one eye and only has 15% of his vision left in the other. Which apparently will also conveniently be his excuse for how he managed to run over two people in a parking lot with his SUV.

A part time ticket seller for the New York Yankees was fired after sending vulgar tweets about Curt Schilling’s daughter. Although what could be more vulgar than selling tickets to watch Alex Rodriguez play baseball for $1,200 a pop?

Knicks owner James Dolan is reportedly interested in buying the New York Daily News. If nothing else, he could have his own copy printed every day that shows the Knicks out of the cellar.

Former PGA Tour player Dan Olsen is apologizing after saying that Tiger Woods was suspended for a month for PEDs. If he is using banned substances, that’s a good thing as he might not have broken 90 in the second round in Phoenix.

Myanmar has captured a rare white elephant in the jungle. To which most Americans are asking what NASA is doing in a Burmese jungle?

The space suit of Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield was bought at a thrift shop for $40. It was determined to be authentic with the NASA patch, his name tag and several orange Tang stains.

Research says that 30% of all organizations collect big data. The other 70% just wait for all the data to be released to the Internet when the ones doing the collecting are hacked.

Google says it is planning to offer wireless cellphone service. Mostly because at this point McDonald’s could come up with a wireless service that couldn’t be much worse than Sprint, Verizon and AT&T.

A worldwide test put American Millennials near or at the bottom of the list compared to the rest of the world when it comes to literacy and math skills. The worst part was when 78% of them had no idea how to spell “Millennial.”

A worldwide test put American Millennials near or at the bottom of the list compared to the rest of the world when it comes to literacy and math skills. The good news is that it shows there is little change between their performance in high school and how they do in the real world.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will play the President of the U.S. in “Sharknado 3.” This will give viewers at least one reason to finally root for the sharks.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will play the President of the U.S. in “Sharknado 3.” It will be the first match pitting a Cuban directly against a shark since the Mariel boatlift.

Buzz Aldrin’s 1966 space photo self-portrait was auctioned for $9,200. It was the most expensive selfie ever that didn’t include a picture of Kim Kardashian’s backside.

Nissan says it will have a car that can drive itself through traffic jams in 2016. Don’t we already have technology to drive us through traffic jams? It’s called the parking brake.

A survey says that two thirds of U.S. consumers expect delivery service by drones in the next five years. The only bad part is after they drop off the package and hover over your porch waiting for a tip.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another day of jokes, gags and pratfalls. The pratfalls are me slipping on the ice when I go out to get the mail. I am ready for this winter to be over. Which is usually what I say about two days into the season. If I lived in a warmer climate I would have more time to write jokes instead of shoveling my sidewalk. Which I don’t do anyway. The one thing that keeps me warm during these cold months is when all of you remember to send the love!

Sunday, March 01, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Vatican has condemned the leaking of documents showing a power struggle inside the Catholic Church. Although it has to be tough to play corporate politics when you are dealing with a boss who reports directly to God.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says the Apple Watch could forever alter people’s daily lives. For one thing, it has the potential to do what nothing else can. Get their attention away from their iPhones for more than a few seconds.

Phil Robertson from “Duck Dynasty” says he blames the “revenge of the Hippies” on 110 Million cases of STDs. If the revenge of the Hippies is responsible for anything, it is making a celebrity out of someone with long hair and a beard who sits around doing nothing but whittling duck calls all day.

A 108 year old New York man and his 105 year old wife recently celebrated their 82nd wedding anniversary. The only bad part is that they won’t really be able to enjoy their golden years together until the great-great-grandchildren are able to move out of their basement.

The WHO says 1 Billion young people are at risk of damaging their ears from loud music. To which those people say to WHO, “What?”

The WHO says 1 Billion young people are at risk of damaging their ears from loud music. So the WHO says the Who may be the ones who are responsible for everyone saying “Huh?”

The WHO says 1 Billion young people are at risk of damaging their ears from loud music. Women say it isn’t that big of a deal since half of those people are men who never listen in the first place.

Southwest Airlines says it is nearly done inspecting 128 planes that were grounded. Apparently it was just too hard to land them all in the parking lot at the same time to have Mr. Goodwrench take a look at them.

Jeb Bush told conservative skeptics he wants to be their second choice. For once he had some support from Democrats. They also are hoping for a second place finish for him, but not until the 2016 election.

A stolen NASCAR auto was found abandoned in Georgia. It was identified because it was the only car in the state that didn’t have a Confederate flag emblem and a streak of tobacco juice down the driver’s side.

The DHS narrowly averted being shut down when Congress agreed to a one week extension of funding. The only question is how are they going to win the fight against terrorism if they can’t even get a group of old men to hand over some money once in awhile?

An opponent of Russian President Vladimir Putin was shot dead in public near the Kremlin last week. Or as they call that in Russia, losing the primary election.

An American Airlines flight from Oklahoma City to Dallas was delayed nine hours because of snow and mechanical problems. Or as United Airlines calls that, right on schedule.

An American Airlines flight from Oklahoma City to Dallas was delayed nine hours because of snow and mechanical problems. Which was still faster than trying to drive the 405 Freeway between L.A. and San Diego on a sunny day.

Ethan Allen says it is bringing back its manufacturing to the U.S. Which makes sense since what better place to make couches than where they have become a way of life?

Johnny Walker has unveiled a new “smart bottle.” Which is nothing new as even their old glass bottles became smarter than anyone who drank half or more of what was inside them.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says he could see baseball expanding to Canada and Mexico. Or they could even go one better and expand to Cuba now that the trade embargo has been lifted and just cut out the middle man.

The FTC says that identification theft is their number one consumer complaint. Other than the people who don’t have any credit to worry about thanks to the FTC not doing anything to stop the economic crash.

The U.S. says that Iranians hacked into American casinos. The casinos found out the hard way that sometimes what happens in Las Vegas stays in Tehran.

The U.S. says that Iranians hacked into American casinos. Gaming officials knew something was wrong when they found out someone got into the casino’s computers for something other than trying to get free tickets to the buffet.

A California bill would reduce the sales tax on green cars. To which students at Cal State Fresno are asking suppose someone wants to buy a car that is blue?

A study says that gasoline prices don’t always influence car buyers’ choices. In fact sometimes there are no intelligible reasons for people’s decisions on car purchases, like when someone puts down their money for a Chrysler.

A study says the economic downturn can be linked to an increase in the adult suicide rate. You know things have gotten bad when the cost of living has literally made it too expensive for people to keep living.

An analysis says that parents’ money may be more likely to impact their kids’ well-being than if they stay married. Especially if they are living with mom who has just sucked dad’s bank accounts dry in the divorce.

Leonard Nimoy, who played Mr. Spock on “Star Trek” has died at age 83. People knew he didn’t have long to live when he showed up on the set wearing a red uniform shirt.

Three people were infected with measles at a Las Vegas seafood restaurant. They were just lucky they didn’t get the crabs.

A study says the coloring in cola drinks is linked to a higher risk of cancer. Which is no big deal since the sugar is going to kill anyone drinking a lot of cola long before the other carcinogens can get to them.

Three cases of leprosy have been confirmed in Florida. They would have been diagnosed earlier but doctors first had to rule out the plague, smallpox and consumption.

Three cases of leprosy have been confirmed in Florida. The patients were immediately treated with the most modern techniques for laying of hands, bloodletting and checking their bile levels.

A Maryland woman who posed as a physician’s assistant was able to diagnose 137 children before being caught. The kids came to her support, saying she was the only one who could ever completely cure them of cooties.

Harrison Ford is set to reprise his role in a remake of “Blade Runner.” His character chases down bioengineered replicants who are made to look like humans. Otherwise known in the film industry as women over 40.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner are being considered for a spinoff program on E!. If they have any more reality shows about the Kardashian family, the network will have to change its logo from having an exclamation point to a question mark.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner are being considered for a spinoff program on E!. Apparently the network wants to have a show that features main characters who can actually get their backsides to fit on the entire screen.

Speaking about the death of Leonard Nimoy, President Obama says he “Loved Spock.” Which may be why he has been so adamant about changing the law giving amnesty to all aliens.

Adam Sandler will play a magical shoeman in the movie “The Cobbler.” Although for most Americans, the only interest they will have in a cobbler depends if it is made of peaches or blueberries.

Adam Sandler will play a magical shoeman in the movie “The Cobbler.” For most people, the only reason they will ever need a cobbler is to make sure their shoes are in good enough shape so they can walk out of an Adam Sandler movie.

The NFL says it may do away with the 40 yard dash at the scouting combine. Mostly because they just want to make sure their quarterbacks are able to recover in time to play on Sunday following a Saturday night pub crawl.

The NFL says it may do away with the 40 yard dash at the scouting combine. The only speed test NFL players ever need to pass is the one where they can outrun the cops who are trying to arrest them the night before a game.

A report says a proposed football stadium in Inglewood, California is a possible target for terrorists. To which the people around L.A. are saying they will be afraid when they see a terrorist who has a chance of making it through Inglewood in one piece.

A report says a proposed football stadium in Inglewood, California is a possible target for terrorists. The good news is that if the Raiders are the stadium’s home team, terrorists would never blow up a site full of Raiders fans out of professional courtesy.

Tampa Bay Rays reliever Ronald Belisario fractured his shoulder while getting out of a swimming pool. The only problem is he now gets completely spooked by anyone who sneaks up behind him and yells “Marco!”

Google has paid $25 Million to buy the entire “.app” web domain. Which ruined Amazon’s plan to use the domain to sell all their goods under the address “cr.app.”

A report says that 5 Billion Android apps are vulnerable to hackers. Mostly the ones that have a button to press to be eligible to collect millions of dollars being given away by a Nigerian prince.

A new keyboard may help people type faster. Which may be a little too late for all the people who have crashed their cars because they couldn’t get their text message out quite fast enough.

An astronaut on the International Space Station was set to go ahead with a spacewalk despite finding water in his helmet. Although the Americans are still trying to figure out what the Russian astronauts on the ISS meant when they asked if they could borrow one of their small space toilets.

A study says that a big brain gene that is found in humans is not present in chimpanzees. Although it obviously wasn’t part of Tarzan’s DNA either as he kept calling his pet chimp a cheetah.

A study says that dogs remember events for no longer than two minutes. Which when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries and gifts is still a minute longer than most men.

A study says that dogs remember events for no longer than two minutes. Which is why even after several years, they still always fall for it when you fake throwing their ball.

A report says the data breach at Target that affected 70 Million customers could end up costing the retail giant more than $1 Billion. Business experts say a similar attack that got into the finances of Wal-Mart’s customers could cost upwards of $15.72.

A London based company is using used coffee grounds for fuel. Although the question is whether or not that is what we all do every morning?

Former Mercury Astronaut Buzz Aldrin says the U.S. needs a colony on Mars. He wants another crack at it as he is apparently still mad about being only the second person to walk on the Moon.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is March 1st, which puts us that much closer to opening day of baseball. It also puts us that much closer to April 15th tax day so that makes it kind of a wash. I figure these jokes at least rate somewhere above the IRS so at least I have that still going for me. But I know I really rate every time you remember to make sure and send the love!

Friday, February 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The TSA says it is unlikely to be able to detect what is being called “the greatest incendiary threat to aviation.” Although fortunately, they still are pretty good about taking away any bottles that contain more than three ounces of shampoo.

DC Comic’s Catwoman is coming out as bisexual. The announcement was given away when the comic changed its name to AC/DC.

A study says that people who get more than 8 hours sleep are more likely to have a stroke. Mostly from their spouse repeatedly hitting them over the head to get their rear end out of bed.

The FCC has voted to regulate the Internet as a public utility. The FCC says they will get around to making any necessary changes just as soon as they figure out what they should do about the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction at the 2004 Super Bowl.

The FCC has voted to regulate the Internet as a public utility. Hopefully that will end all the misinformation that is floating around online about subjects like the FCC regulating the Internet.

The FCC has voted to regulate the Internet as a public utility. Which Internet providers say is important so they can get away with the same lack of service and constant rate hikes as electricity, phone and water companies.

Puerto Rico is seeking protection for its corporations under the Federal Bankruptcy Code. The island’s businesses say they want to be able to get some help just in case they become as insolvent as Puerto Rico.

A Canadian court has upheld an oath to the Queen for anyone applying for citizenship. Which is pretty much of a moot point since no one has actually applied to be a Canadian citizen since the end of the Vietnam War.

Verizon responded in Morse Code to the new government rules on regulating the Internet. The reason was to protest what they feel is a move back in time by the FCC. And also to reach any AT&T customers who are still getting service over telegraph lines.

A California couple married for 67 years died together holding hands. As opposed to many more modern couples who die together with their cellphones in their hands as they are texting each other while driving.

A court in South Korea has ruled that adultery is no longer illegal. Ironically, cheating on your wife before could lead to prison time where you would end up being your cellmate’s wife.

A court in South Korea has ruled that adultery is no longer illegal. In America, we moved past that decades ago. Now instead of going to jail it just costs you half of everything you own.

Several economists say that a sharp rise in unemployment is no cause for concern. At least not for economists who can only actually find steady work any time the economy is tanking.

Sears has reported quarterly losses again, but their CEO says there is hope in the smaller declines. Which is like the Cubs manager praising the team for only losing a game by a single digit margin.

A survey says that 43% of Americans want a larger home. Mostly the ones who finally  have enough money to move out of their family sedan and into an SUV.

A survey says that 43% of Americans want a larger home. Which means one of two things. The economy is getting better and people have more money to put into a house, or the obesity thing is getting more out of hand than we thought.

A study says that auto recalls will be high again in 2015. The worst part is that it is mainly for GM cars that are still being recalled for defects dating back to 2009.

A study says that auto recalls will be high again in 2015. What’s even worse is that recall notices are already being sent out for all of GM’s 2016 models.

Rankings from the American Kennel Club show that smaller dog breeds are increasing in popularity. The best news from the trend is the report that the Taco Bell Chihuahua has finally found work for the first time since being laid off back in 1998.

The IRS says the average tax return so far is $3,120. That is for the people who made enough to file a return. For everyone else, $3,120 also happens to be their average yearly income.

A study says the price of used electric cars is tumbling. Which is ironic in that it makes them the only vehicles where people won’t be hit with sticker shock.

An analysis says that only 12% of dinners eaten at home include dessert. Mostly because the other 88% of meals consist of only dessert.

United Airlines has issued a stern warning to pilots to get their attention over several recent near misses. That’s what United gets for moving away from its previous policy of just canceling all their flights before they ever got off the runway.

United Airlines has issued a stern warning to pilots to get their attention over several recent near misses. Which is really unnecessary since no one who flies United actually has any real expectations of arriving at their destination safely.

A survey says that only one quarter of Americans plan to retire. The other three quarters just aren’t counting on making it to their estimated retirement age of 97.

A survey says that half of Americans feel financially secure. Mostly by comparison after they see how the other half are doing.

A survey says that half of Americans feel financially secure. The other half are still trying to find a way to qualify for some kind of government assistance.

A group of plastic surgeons says that butt augmentation is on the rise. Remember when men used to get in trouble for answering yes to when their wives asked if what they were wearing made their butt look big?

A study says that better grocery stores alone can’t improve kids’ diets. Mostly because along with the produce section those stores still have a candy, frozen desserts and soft drink aisle.

A report says that despite promises for retirement, hundreds of chimpanzees are still being held at research centers. To which millions of middle age Americans don’t really care, saying “They can retire when we can retire.”

12,000 low wage workers are benefiting from the first phase of Wal-Mart workforce training. Although how much training can it really take to respond to “Clean up on Aisle 5!”

12,000 low wage workers are benefiting from the first phase of Wal-Mart workforce training. The first lesson is how to use their Wal-Mart paycheck as proof to qualify for Food Stamps.

A study says a healthy diet is linked to having healthy lungs. If your diet is affecting your lung capacity, maybe it’s time to stop literally inhaling your meals.

A report says that nearly a half million Americans are infected by a potentially deadly stomach bug every year. Which is pretty low considering the total number of people who actually eat several meals at Taco Bell every week.

A study says that people who have ADHD are twice as likely to die early as others. The most obvious case was William Tell’s other son who just couldn’t sit still while his dad tried to shoot the apple off his head.

A study says that people who have ADHD are twice as likely to die early as others. The report isn’t expected to be of any help since no one with ADHD will actually be able to pay attention long enough to read it.

A study says that people who have ADHD are twice as likely to die early as others. Well,  hearing that news isn’t going to do much to help calm those people down any.

Kylie Jenner has reportedly bought a $2.7 Million home at age 17. Which just gave millions of teenagers an excuse as to why they don’t think they need to get a high school diploma.

A tree was replanted to take the place of another in Los Angeles’ Griffith Park to honor Beatle George Harrison. The tree is reportedly hardier than the previous one as it is made of Norwegian Wood.

A deal will keep “The Kardashians” on E! for another three years. Apparently the entertainment network wants to keep it going just long enough to be there when Kanye and Kim announce their inevitable divorce.

A deal will keep “The Kardashians” on E! for another three years. The show is being watched carefully by anthropologists who know that the day they win an Emmy will signal the beginning of the decline and fall of modern civilization.

CBS is planning to break a record by showing an episode of “CSI” in 150 countries around the world simultaneously. The idea came from the plan by CBS to have a spinoff of “CSI” based in every one of those countries.

Singer Mark McGrath was the victim of an Internet death hoax. People were surprised. Mark McGrath is still alive?

Kim Kardashian celebrated having the most Instagram followers with 27 Million. Which is just more bad news for the economy knowing that nearly a tenth of all Americans have nothing better to occupy their time with than looking at selfies of Kim Kardashian’s backside.

Kid Rock compared Tiger Woods to Axl Rose and Eminem. Mostly because they all have roughly the same chance of winning a Grand Slam tournament this year.

Kid Rock compared Tiger Woods to Axl Rose and Eminem. The only time Tiger should become concerned is when someone starts comparing him to Kanye West.

Australian researchers have unveiled the world’s first 3D printed jet engine. Although it won’t exactly be reassuring when you are sitting on the tarmac in a plane that needs maintenance while the pilots wait for the repairman from Xerox.

Amazon has hired former White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. Which isn’t good news for investors when the company has taken on someone who has experience in explaining away a $17 Trillion debt.

The Oxford Dictionary has added “ridesharing” and “unbox” to its online database. Examples of the new terms are “Mary needed to use a ridesharing app after she crashed her car by texting while driving with the iPhone she just unboxed."


Leonard Nimoy, who played Mr. Spock on "Star Trek" has died at age 83. Trekkies around the world are mourning his passing, saying it feels like their phasers have been set on stun.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sunday is March 1st. That is big news since it means we are done with this horribly cold February. No wonder they made the month so short. I don’t think I could have taken 30 or 31 days of that. March means spring training which leads to April and Opening Day and then the Masters. The only thing that makes me feel better about the state of the planet is when you all take the time to remember to send the love!

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

James Cameron is set to launch the first vegan elementary school in California. Kids are already trying to figure out how they can send an avatar to the lunch room.

James Cameron is set to launch the first vegan elementary school in California. The idea will go over like the Titanic once the kids see their only option for lunch is the iceberg lettuce.

A surgeon in Italy says that full body transplants could be a reality in two years. Which is good news for the people at Disney who can finally take Walt’s head out of the cafeteria freezer.

A surgeon in Italy says that full body transplants could be a reality in two years. Hasn’t that already been done? Her name is “Cher.”

A 28 year old Tennessee man has been arrested for domestic assault of his 92 year old girlfriend. At first police thought he knocked all her teeth out until they remembered she is 92 and from Tennessee.

A 28 year old Tennessee man has been arrested for domestic assault of his 92 year old girlfriend. If nothing else, it brought into question the algorithm used in the computers to find the perfect matches at eHarmony.com.

Jamaican lawmakers have decriminalized “small” amounts of ganja. Which in Jamaica, a small amount of marijuana is anything less than the 3 acre crop that is currently growing behind every house on the island.

Snow postponed the first execution of a woman by Georgia in 78 years. It was postponed by snow? What were they going to do, have a snowball fight to the death?

T.J. Maxx says it will raise workers’ pay to $9 an hour. Which was discouraging for workers who previously knew the max at Maxx was the minimum.

T.J. Maxx says it will raise workers’ pay to $9 an hour. You know it’s bad when you work at a store that is desperately trying to hold onto employees by following the compensation policy over at Wal-Mart.

Donald Trump says he is serious about running for President in 2016. It’s good to know at least someone is serious about Donald Trump running for President.

Donald Trump says he is serious about running for President in 2016. Or as his Administration would be known as, “The Apprentice, White House Edition.”

Senate leaders are moving on a deal to avoid shutting down the DHS. If there is a shutdown, there would be major repercussions. For one thing, people would have to figure out what to do with the extra two hours they have at the airport not having to go through the TSA body search.

ATMs in Russia give out small loans on the spot, but charge a 730% annual interest rate. To which American banks are saying “You can do that?”

ATMs in Russia give out small loans on the spot, but charge a 730% annual interest rate. Or as American payday loan companies call that, unfairly underselling the competition.

ATMs in Russia give out small loans on the spot, but charge a 730% annual interest rate. The hardest part was figuring out how to equip the machines with a baseball bat so it can break the legs of the people who are too slow paying back what they borrowed.

Washington, D.C. has legalized marijuana despite threats from Congress. The last thing the country needs is for the rest of the nation’s capital to become as lazy and unproductive as Congress.

Southwest Airlines canceled 100 flights earlier this week because of missed inspections of their airplanes. Or as United Airlines calls 100 canceled flights, a morning warm up exercise.

A report says that U.S. wine exports were down 4% in 2014. Apparently the economy has recovered to the point where local winos have enough money to keep all the domestic vintage right here at home.

A study says that U.S. car communication technology is twice as likely to break down after three years as it is in the first three months. Except with Chrysler vehicles which weren’t part of the study since no one has ever had one that has actually lasted a full three years.

Siri will soon be able to speak in Russian, Portuguese, Swedish and four other languages. Which is great news for anyone trying to understand what the person on the other end of the line at the Apple tech support center is trying to say.

Siri will soon be able to speak in Russian, Portuguese, Swedish and even Turkish. The ability for Siri to understand Turkish is just for people who like to talk turkey.

A New York financial regulator is considering new rules to protect against an “Armageddon-type” cyber attack that would devastate U.S. financial markets. Although if any group wanted to destroy the economy, all they would have to do is bring back subprime home mortgages.

KFC is testing edible coffee cups in the UK. If that works, all they have to do is try to figure out how to make some edible chicken.

Google Artificial Intelligence has reportedly been able to teach itself how to play and become unbeatable at video games. The only problem is that no one has seen it in the last six months since it graduated college and moved back into its parents’ basement.

A study says that most requests for medical tests by patients are appropriate. Of course, that depends on whether the money for the test will go to pay off the doctor’s vacation condo, Mercedes Benz or country club membership.

A report says that international travelers to the U.S. spent $222 Billion in 2014. And that was just the ones who wanted a blanket and bottle of water on the flight over.

A study says the function of the length of eyelashes is to keep eyes from drying. Which is ironic when a woman has mascara dripping down her face which wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t use it in the first place to make her eyelashes longer.

Food experts are concerned about people who have Orthorexia, where they are obsessed about healthy eating. Or as those people are called in America, foreigners.

A study says the “love hormone” oxytocin can dampen the effects of alcohol. Which is ironic in that for most people, alcohol is the love hormone.

A man received a bionic eye that allowed him to see his wife for the first time in ten years. His first words were “Don’t you ever clean up this place?”

A study says that women are at a greater risk for suffering fatal heart attacks. Mostly from ignoring the symptoms because they are too busy working a job, cleaning the house, and taking care of the kids while their husbands are permanently attached to the living room couch.

A report says that apples are the produce with the most pesticides. Which must work because every tech will tell you that a Mac has fewer bugs than any PC.

The Supreme Court has ruled that dentists do not have a monopoly on whitening teeth. And as any hillbilly with a pair of pliers and a bottle of whiskey will tell you, they don’t have a monopoly on pulling them, either.

The Supreme Court has ruled that dentists do not have a monopoly on whitening teeth. Which is good news for the people of Alabama who can take advantage of shopping mall salons who run specials if you are whitening three teeth or less.

Researchers say that emulsifiers that make foods creamy may also be responsible for the obesity epidemic. Which is ironic in that the ingredients that make our food creamier are doing the same thing to us.

A study says that helmet add-ons don’t reduce the risk of concussions for football players. The easiest way to tell if a player has suffered a head injury is when they keep repeating “I’m just here so I won’t be fined.”

A report says that chewing tobacco could be banned from California ballparks. Apparently it became a concern when it was discovered that it wasn’t the drought that was making all the outfield grass turn brown.

Beyonce is set to start a vegan food delivery service. Which doesn’t make sense. If you want to make money delivering food, make it pizza where the people who always order it can’t actually be bothered to get off the couch to go get it themselves.

A report says that several of the Victoria’s Secret Angels are leaving because of low pay. Not to say the money was bad, but most of them are going over to Wal-Mart now that they have announced their pay increase to $9 an hour.

A report says that several of the Victoria’s Secret Angels are leaving because of low pay. It turns out that the way for women to make the most money modeling is to either be fully dressed or have no nothing at all.

“The Doctors” TV show blasted Mama June for the obese Honey Boo Boo’s eating habits. Mostly because the family’s biggest habit is eating.

A former Miss Turkey is facing prison time for insulting the country’s president. She may be a former Miss Turkey, but this time her goose could be cooked.

Former “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson says she is all in favor of the legalization for pot and also supports the Second Amendment. Which means no one better even think of getting into her stash.

Lindsay Lohan will have to make up 125 hours of community service that she claimed for working in a London stage play. Apparently her contention was that any time she stays off the highways in the U.S. should be considered a benefit to the people.

Marshawn Lynch says his biopic called “Family First” is no good and wants changes made before it can be released. Although he may have as much control as his attempt to rework NFL Films’ final play of the Super Bowl.

A report says that only 40% of the planet has ever connected to the Internet. The other 60% are apparently only in areas that is serviced by AOL.

A report says that only 40% of the planet has ever connected to the Internet. Which is good because once the other 60% discover Internet porn, the entire world will pretty much shut down.

A report says that only 40% of the planet has ever connected to the Internet. Which is good because it means that 60% of us still have a chance at carrying on a conversation with another human, go shopping at a real store and have “friends” whom they have actually seen in person.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Kind of a slow day in the comedy world. Or as all of you who log into this site know that as, “Thursday.” But I was still able to crank out several dozen jokes, some which I understand rate as high as “mildly amusing.” At least the price is right, in my opinion. The bad part is when people start asking for rebates. One thing I will never make a refund on is when you all remember to send the love!

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

J.P. Morgan says it will start charging its larger clients fees for deposits. Which is still a good deal for corporations that will find it cheaper to pay for the deposits rather than have to buy the thousands of mattresses needed to stuff all their billions in profits.

Pakistanis have been ordered by the government to surrender their fingerprints or lose their cellphone service. Which is still less of a burden than being caught stealing a cellphone and surrendering their fingers.

Pakistanis have been ordered by the government to surrender their fingerprints or lose their cellphone service. Which is not that big of a deal considering that to keep access to a smartphone, most Americans would give up their firstborn child along with their video game console and seven of the guaranteed protections of the Bill of Rights.

A study says that fluoride in drinking water may trigger depression and weight gain. Mostly because people are depressed about becoming fat because they still have enough teeth left to use to eat solid foods like cheeseburgers, pizza and doughnuts.

A report says that nearly 17,000 federal employees made more than $200,000 last year. Although those are just the ones who bothered to actually report all their bribes, kickbacks and payoffs as income.

NBC Nightly News ratings are reportedly up since Brian Williams was suspended for lying. Apparently new anchor Lester Holt comes from a larger family.

NBC Nightly News ratings are reportedly up since Brian Williams was suspended for lying. Mostly from people who figure there is no need to tune in to Jon Stewart when NBC gives them even more of the fake news they love to watch.

A report says that half of all the people in New York City speak a language other than English at home. That doesn’t even count the people in Brooklyn who technically speak English but still need an interpreter for anyone outside of the Five Boroughs.

A report says states use secret surveys to predict the likelihood that offenders will commit future crimes. Which of course, the answer is pretty likely since they are only given the form if they are already sitting in prison.

Qatar says the 2022 World Cup that will be held there will not have any games on Christmas. At least as long as none of the contests are started less than three days before December 25th.

Alaska has become the latest state to legalize marijuana. Although it wasn’t legal before, no one has ever been arrested because no police officer would ever go out in -50 temperatures to bust someone for firing up a bong.

Alaska has become the latest state to legalize marijuana. The state will incorporate it into their new motto, “Finally, a reason to come to Alaska!”

Keith Olbermann has been suspended by ESPN for tweets he sent out about students at Penn State. He would have gotten away with the remarks if he would have just said them on his TV show as long as none of his three viewers were Nittany Lions.

The U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan says that U.S. citizens can expect to be the targets of imminent attacks. Or as Americans living in Kabul call that, “Tuesday.”

The U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan says that U.S. citizens can expect to be the targets of imminent attacks. In other words, it is an update of the continuing alert to anyone living in the Middle East which has been in effect for the past 5,000 years.

The U.N. climate chief has resigned over sexual harassment charges. Apparently he went around to all the women in his office claiming there was global warming. In his pants.

A report says that 50 Million Americans with retirement funds through their jobs may get a boost from the Supreme Court about high 401(k) fees charged by employers. The extra money could mean some workers could retire ten years earlier than expected, when they turn 87.

Former New York Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver pleaded not guilty to taking $4 Million in bribes. He says he is shocked and humiliated by the charges. How dare the state think he is only worth a measly $4 Million in kickbacks?

A study says that consumers are terrible at estimating air fares for flights. Apparently they go wrong when they figure out the maximum amount anyone should be charged for a trip and then multiply it by only three.

A study says that consumers are terrible at estimating air fares for flights. They don’t take into account all the extra money it costs airlines to cancel all the flights that still have one or two vacant seats.

A study says that consumers are terrible at estimating air fares for flights. Apparently they aren’t aware of how the cost is figured, by airlines doing intense studies to see just how much people can actually be suckered into paying for a seat.

Goodyear is paying $16 Million to settle bribery related charges in other countries. The tire company agreed to the payments but says they feel the amount was overinflated.

Goodyear is paying $16 Million to settle bribery related charges in other countries. The tire company says they had to give bribes because it isn’t enough to get business anymore by offering to give free rides on the blimp.

Nobel Prize winning economist Robert Shiller says people can save much more money by living like students. Which ironically, living like a student is why many of them are still living like students while they pay off $100,000 in tuition loans.

J.P. Morgan says it will close 300 bank branches as more people are using online banking services. Mostly the ones who are now making all their financial plans through e-mails with a Nigerian prince.

Donald Keough, a long time Coca-Cola executive has died at age 88. He had six children 18 grandchildren and two great-grandchildren, but everyone just called him “Pop.”

Photo sharing site Reddit has banned nude pictures that are posted without the consent of the subject. Which will mean a lot more views for the three people who actually post something other than naked pictures of all their exes.

A report says that 96% of all smartphones operate on Apple’s iOS or Google’s Android operating systems. The other 4% are still a bit behind the times and are holding out until someone comes up with a cellphone that still uses rotary dial.

Seattle running back Marshawn Lynch has filed to trademark the phrase “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” Which will soon be replaced by his new phrase, “Actually I’m just here to watch them throw a last second interception.”

A study says that marijuana is 114 times less deadly than alcohol. Which sounds like a number that could only be concocted by someone who is incredibly stoned.

A study says that marijuana is 114 times less deadly than alcohol. Obviously the study didn’t factor in the long term health risk from eating three pizzas a day while being stuck to the couch over a 20 year period.

Two anti-aging scientists have wagered $1 Million that will go to the person who outlives the other. To which Larry King says “I’ll take a piece of that!”

Two anti-aging scientists have wagered $1 Million that will go to the person who outlives the other. People don’t take the bet seriously. Where are anti-aging scientists going to get a million dollars?

A study says that two of three smokers will die early if they don’t quit. The other one third are older than 35 and have already exceeded the life expectancy of the average smoker.

A study says that intense anger increases the risk of having a heart attack by eight times. Especially when the anger comes from seeing the cost of the latest visit to the cardiologist.

A report says that a simple skin test could be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the skin is frozen and full of frostbite because the person is wearing only shorts and a T-shirt because they forgot it is the middle of winter.

A study says that gerbils, not rats may have caused the 14th Century plague in Europe. To which Richard Gere is saying “Don’t look at me. I wasn’t even born yet.”

Taylor Swift has given $50,000 to New York City schools. She would have given some to Los Angeles schools but is withholding the money because she has recently been dumped by three students in the L.A. school system.

A report says the estate of Ernie Banks was only worth $16,000. You know things are messed up when a Hall of Famer like Banks has $16,000 to his name while someone is actually paying Alex Rodriguez $191,000 for each game.

LeBron James set the record for the most assists by a forward with 6,136. To which Kobe Bryant says is no big deal since they both have exactly the same number of assists while playing guard.

The Big Ten is planning to discuss making freshmen ineligible for sports. As opposed to the Southeastern Conference whose freshmen are ineligible mostly because they never actually went to high school.

The Waffle House is teaming up with delivery app Roadie to have customers deliver packages. The only problem is finding any Waffle House customers who still actually have a valid driver’s license that hasn’t been suspended.

The Waffle House is teaming up with delivery app Roadie to have customers deliver packages. The only problem is finding a Waffle House customer who will be driving anywhere other than southern Georgia.

Scientists say that comets are like deep fried ice cream. To which most movie goers now say the film “Deep Impact” should be reclassified from science-fiction to fantasy.

A newly discovered wasp was named for Boston Bruin goalie Tuukka Rask. Mostly because “Tuukka Rask” is the name that sounds most like what people say when they are stung by a wasp.

A newly discovered wasp was named for Boston Bruin goalie Tuukka Rask. What makes more sense than to name a wasp after someone in a sport that is owned, played by and watched by nothing but WASPs?

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald has pledged to “do better” after being caught lying about being in Special Forces. Although he says he may not have been in Special Forces, he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald has pledged to “do better” after being caught lying about being in Special Forces. Next time he says he will lie about being in the Navy SEALs.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! What’s with all these people being caught lying about what they have done in their careers? Brian Williams, Bill O’Reilly, Veteran Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald? I can understand the last guy lying because what man wants to go around saying they are a secretary? Maybe I should start lying. Obviously being a TV meteorologist who writes jokes hasn’t impressed the right people. Except for my loyal readers, of course. I don’t need to tell lies about what I do because there is nothing better than when you remember to send the love!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A 29 year old cat in Sweden is thought to be the oldest in the world. Although the only difference between a dead cat and one that is still alive is that the living cats actually come out of suspended animation once in awhile to clean out their cat food dish.

A report says that in the future, vacations will be uploaded into people’s minds to think they have taken a trip. It will supposedly be so real that people waking up from what they imagined to be a visit to Disneyland will actually have a case of the measles.

A report says that in the future, vacations will be uploaded into people’s minds to think they have taken a trip. As opposed to people who know they have taken a vacation because they are still paying it off eight months later.

A report says that in the future, vacations will be uploaded into people’s minds to think they have taken a trip. The vacations will be so realistic that people booking on United will still have their trips cut short by several canceled flights.

A report says that one third of Americans are living at the risk of financial crisis. The other two thirds haven’t had to worry about financial crisis since they lost their job, house and cars back in 2007.

Ashton Kutcher is encouraging men to explore their sexuality by “kissing a dude.” Although there is pretty much no question of your sexuality if you have Mila Kunis at home and you still want to make out with another guy.

A study says that taking frequent saunas can be good for the heart. At least until your wife finds you sharing a hot tub with the next door neighbor’s daughter.

The Smithsonian is investigating a scientist who denies climate change is being caused by humans while accepting $1.2 Million from the fossil fuel industry. Apparently his system of research checks and balances is accepting a check from Big Oil to add to his bank balance.

New technology can actually generate facial images based on samples of DNA. In fact, those weren’t polka dots on Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress. They were hundreds of pictures of Bill Clinton.

Some colleges are allowing students to do work for reduced tuition. What’s even better is that they can earn the money while getting experience on their future career by running the cash register at the student union convenience store.

Russian President Vladimir Putin says that war with the Ukraine is “unlikely.” At least until they are able to afford to send their troops into battle with more than an umbrella and trash can lid.

The DHS says that a shutdown in their funding by Congress could bring “serious consequences.” Which if true would be the first time that the DHS has actually seen one of their warnings actually be right.

Patrons at the Mall of America are being told to be careful after a threat by terrorist group Al Shabaab. It is the first time shoppers have ever been warned about potential dangers at malls since the inception of the food court.

California is reportedly spending $20 Million to build a “hydrogen highway” with filling stations for hydrogen powered cars. Which is not to be confused with the “helium highway” where drivers all talk in really high pitched cartoon voices.

A report says that typical portrayals of Millennials as lazy and narcissistic or energized optimists bent on saving the world are wrong. The truth is they are lazy and narcissistic but are only interested in saving the world if it is in the form of a video game.

The price of a one day ticket to Disneyland has gone up to $99. The increase is due in part to the new attraction of QuarantineLand for any kids who are showing any symptoms that they have contracted measles.

The price of a one day ticket to Disneyland has gone up to $99. Now at least the Seven Dwarfs aren’t the only ones coming up a little short at the gate.

Lady Gaga’s performance of a medley from “The Sound of Music” was the most tweeted about part of the Oscars. Other than wondering how many socks Neil Patrick Harris stuffed into his tighty whities.

Honda is replacing its CEO after poor sales following the airbag crisis. You know it is getting serious in the auto business when the latest carmaker recalls include their executives.

The U.S. Treasury says there are $649 in small bills in circulation for every person in the country. Otherwise known as their life savings and retirement account.

The ratings for the Oscars dropped to their lowest level in six years. You know the ratings have fallen dramatically when the Academy is considering whether or not to bring back David Letterman as the host.

The ratings for the Oscars dropped to their lowest level in six years. It could have been worse. They could have spent the same amount of time along with $8 going to see “The Expendables 3.”

President Obama says that financial retirement advisers need tougher standards. Although how difficult can it be to tell people they have enough money saved for retirement as long as they work to age 93?

A study says that eating late at night could disrupt learning and memory. Especially when they never learn and can’t remember that all those late night snacks are the reason they have become morbidly obese.

A study says that 15% of American two year olds drink coffee. Which is understandable for countries like China where their toddlers like to have a little something to wake them up so they can be alert while they sew together pairs of Air Jordans all day.

A report says that medical marijuana could be marketed as kosher. Which is good news for Jewish stoners who want to mix a little weed in with the other ingredients when they are making matzah balls.

A report says that medical marijuana could be marketed as kosher. Now all that is left for Jewish stoners is finding some kosher pizza, cookies and snack cakes to nosh on after getting high.

A study says that a baby’s bonding with their parents has big implications with the child’s mental health as a teenager. To which the parents who have bonded with their teenagers are asking “You mean it could be even worse?”




A group of pediatricians says that a little fat and sugar is OK for kids as long as their diet is healthy. The only problem is that for most American kids, sugar and fat pretty much is their diet.

A study says that 2.3 Million Americans have suffered medical ID theft. The good news is that most the victims don’t care since the thieves are taking less money than their doctor bills.

A study says that 2.3 Million Americans have suffered medical ID theft. Which some people are blaming on Obamacare, saying if people had no health insurance like Republicans wanted, none of this would have happened.

Little Caesar’s has introduced a bacon wrapped pizza. Which means that for most Americans that now officially qualifies it as a breakfast food.

A study says the food habits of the world are getting worse. Which is still better than the situation in America, where food isn’t a habit but more of a full time occupation.

A report says that few seniors are using Medicare’s obesity counseling benefit. Mostly because who wants to sit there for an hour listening to a doctor tell you to quit eating so much?

A study says that meditation can help people get a restful night’s sleep. Mostly because they feel so much more relaxed after they smash the tape of Jeff Bridges stirring a bowl while chanting “ohhhhmmmmmmmm...”

A poll says that 8 of 10 Americans want vaccines to be required following the measles outbreak. The other two are not planning on taking a vacation to Disneyland this year.

Lady Gaga reportedly worked with a vocal coach for six months to train for her medley from “The Sound of Music” at the Oscars. To which Britney Spears, Nicki Minaj and Kanye West are asking “What’s a vocal coach?”

Lady Gaga reportedly worked with a vocal coach for six months to train for her medley from “The Sound of Music” at the Oscars. Which is also exactly the same amount of time she recommends to age the meat used in making a dress.

Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Kylie Jenner and Kim’s daughter North West were reportedly in an auto accident in Montana. Fortunately for the other passengers, everyone escaped injury when Kim’s rear end deployed.

Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Kylie Jenner and Kim’s daughter North West were reportedly in an auto accident in Montana. Apparently they were in Montana because Kim accidentally typed into their vehicle’s GPS “rodeo” instead of “Rodeo Drive.”

Major League Baseball’s new commissioner says he is open to a shorter season. Which could revert back to the old schedule of 154 games to as little as the three weeks it takes before the Cubs are mathematically eliminated.

New paper cups come with seeds implanted inside so that instead of being thrown away the cup can be planted to grow a tree. Those trees could then be used someday to be cut down and used to make millions of disposable Starbucks coffee cups.

A survey says that American ratings of North Korea are still highly negative with 9% rating it favorably. Which means Congress can feel proud that they still rate three points higher than Kim Jong-un, his haircut and Dennis Rodman.

Lawmakers from cattle producing states say that President Obama is trying to kill their industry with a federal report that encourages Americans to go green. In fact, the only bigger political threat to the beef industry is if Chris Christie is elected to the White House and decides to the daily buffet consisting of red meat.

A study says that climate played a role in the spread of the plague in medieval Europe. Just like in modern times where disease has been spread by people wanting to be in a warmer climate who decide to spend their vacation at Disneyland.

The Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald is apologizing for falsely claiming he served in the U.S. Army Special Forces. The whole thing unraveled after he claimed he was on the helicopter that came under fire sitting right next to Brian Williams.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am having trouble even sitting today to write these jokes because of a sore back. It is almost as painful as the description I get from people who actually read these jokes. But pain or no pain, I am here for you. All I ever ask in return, besides being remembered in your will and charitable donations is that you make sure to remember once in awhile to send the love!

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Connecticut man was arrested after going into a rage over getting a bad haircut. That’s what you get when you walk into the local barber college while they are teaching a group of North Korean students how to do the Kim Jong-un.

A Connecticut man was arrested after going into a rage over getting a bad haircut. Not only was it a bad cut, it cost $50. It would have been even worse except that the price included the bowl the stylist used for the cut.

A Connecticut man was arrested after going into a rage over getting a bad haircut. The problem started when the stylist thought his 50% off coupon meant he wanted one side of his head shaved.

A dietary advisory group is suggesting electronic monitoring devices to limit the screen time of teenagers. The only problem is with the parents who consider screen time as an electronic monitoring device.

Pope Francis I told members of the Mafia the Church will welcome them back if they repent. To which the Mafia is saying “You first.”

New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter says he may slow down the troop withdrawal in Afghanistan. Apparently he is thinking if we threaten to leave them there long enough the Afghans will finally just say that we won the war to get rid of us.

A man in London who was on the way to a job interview cursed out a person on the subway only to find out it later it was the person interviewing him. Which is actually the same thing as watching an episode of “The Apprentice” in reverse.

The government says it sent 800,000 Obamacare customers erroneous tax information. Although the customers say that it is still a lot less bad information than they dealt with when they were using the Obamacare website.

Land Rover has recalled 61,000 vehicles for software problems with their airbags. What software do you need for an airbag? They should probably just program it so when the car goes from 60 to zero in less than a second, it’s probably a good time to start inflating.

The DNC says that voters think that Democrats stand for “a laundry list of disparate ideas.” Although after the last election, most Democrats were asking “What voters?”

The IRS is warning taxpayers about a “dirty dozen” of tax scams. Which is referring to the 12 people in the country who still actually have an income.

A New York bank has agreed to stop a policy that kept poor and low income people from opening checking and savings accounts. Although most people refer to that policy as “the economy.”

Lockheed Martin has agreed to pay $62 Million to settle a lawsuit over their 401(k) plan. The loss means there will have to be cutbacks to make up for the $62 Million. As many as three of their new F-35 fighter jets won’t come with flashlights for the pilot.

A new book is urging Gen Y, people in their 20s and 30s to take control of their finances. That is, besides having a jar labeled “paper route tips.”

A report says a loophole in the immigration law is costing thousands of Americans jobs. But not as many jobs as the holes in the fence along the Mexican border.

A report says that U.S. arms suppliers are making billions of dollars because of the defense spending by Middle East countries over tension in that part of the world. Which is good for defense contractors since they no longer are making billions of dollars from us invading them trying to take their oil.

A report says that Republicans want to shut down a poverty research program at the University of North Carolina. Which is unfortunate since what better place to study poverty than at a college where graduates will soon be trying to pay off $100,000 in student loans with a minimum wage job?

A report says that Republicans want to shut down a poverty research program at the University of North Carolina. Apparently they feel there is no need to research poverty since everyone knows it is already caused by Republican economic policies.

Major League Baseball has adopted rules changes to try to speed up the game. For one thing, they will try to get players to take their PEDs in pill form to save the time it takes to give themselves all those injections.

Major League Baseball has adopted rules changes to try to speed up the game. Starting next year, they will declare the Cubs mathematically eliminated from the playoffs at the beginning of the season so they don’t waste time trying to actually win any games.

Amazon is reportedly planning to sell designer clothes online. Because what woman wouldn’t feel special going to a social function wearing an outfit that just a few hours earlier she was using a crowbar to try to pry out of her mailbox?

A Michigan man with just days to live was able to marry his fiancee at his hospice. At least there is one person who has figured out how to pretty much guarantee he won’t be getting a divorce.

A Michigan man with just days to live was able to marry his fiancee at his hospice. Although that’s the same way Larry King has been married eight times with each of his wives pretty much convinced he wasn’t going to last more than a couple of weeks at best.

A study says that forcing mentally ill people into treatment can save money in the long run. An even better solution is making them rich like the Osbournes, Kardashians and Duck Dynasty clan by giving them their own reality shows.

A Texas boy received a kidney transplant after his teacher agreed to be his donor. Apparently she was just willing to do anything to stop him from interrupting the class all day to go to the bathroom.

A report says the Pentagon spent $84 Million on Viagra and other ED drugs in 2014. Apparently the military felt it was a lot cheaper than trying to keep them busy by starting new wars in the Middle East.

A report says the Pentagon spent $84 Million on Viagra and other ED drugs in 2014. Which finally explains where the “Reveille” lyrics “I can’t get ‘em up at all” originated.

The FTC has charged the company that distributes Mosquito Shield Bans, a wearable repellent with deceiving customers. It turns out that the mosquitoes were nowhere near as good at being bloodsuckers as the people running the company.

Medicare says it is toughening the standards on nursing homes. Which is good news for people who no longer have to wonder about the care their elderly parents are getting when their family members show up for a visit every other year.

A study says that shopping while hungry can make people buy even more non-food products. Mostly because after missing a few meals is the only time most people can actually fit into some of the clothes they would like to buy.

Kanye West traded insults with model and rapper Amber Rose. The most cutting remark she made was that he was acting like Kanye West.

Bill O’Reilly says questions about his claims about his war-zone reporting does not put him in a Brian Williams situation. Mostly because no one has ever suggested that O’Reilly is actually a real journalist.

Kurt Cobain’s credit card is going to be sold at auction. Bids are already reported to be more than $12,000. Mostly from people who like the idea of having a Visa that will put them in less debt than what they are currently running on all their other credit cards.

Kanye West says that Kylie Jenner and her boyfriend Tyga are “in love.” Which is only a surprise to him when he finds out anyone is in love with someone other than Kanye West.

Dodger pitcher Zack Greinke reportedly had a routine elbow injection. Although they need to watch how they word that as most “routine” injections are full of PEDs that are shot into the backside.

Former Heisman Trophy winning quarterback Jameis Winston reportedly ran a slow 4.97 40 yard dash at the NFL Scouting Combine. It was his slowest time since trying to outrun a Publix security guard while carrying a bag of crablegs.

Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll says the Super Bowl loss is behind and the team is “charging forward.” If he would have let Marshawn Lynch charge forward on the final play of the game he wouldn’t still be trying to change the subject.

Danica Patrick will be the first woman to ever be a NASCAR TV race analyst. Apparently she has moved into the TV booth so she can actually get a chance to see what the checkered flag looks like.

Two U.S. astronauts spent six hours rerouting cables on a spacewalk around the International Space Station. They say if they knew how much work it was going to take they would not have bothered making the switch from cable to satellite TV.

Scientists say they have discovered a rare, doomed planet that has extreme seasons. Or as Al Gore calls that, “Earth.”

Three Bronze Age shrines that were used to predict the future have been discovered in Armenia. The sites were apparently abandoned when the soothsayers got a look at what life was going to be like if they stayed in Armenia.

Three Bronze Age shrines that were used to predict the future have been discovered in Armenia. The bad part is that since then Armenia has only moved past the Iron Age into the Medieval period.

A report says a 14 year old boy using $15 in parts from RadioShack was able to hack into a car. Technology experts were shocked. There are parts you can buy at RadioShack that actually work?

A study says that Spanish is the happiest language. Mostly because at least in the U.S., that is the language that is spoken by most people who still actually have a job.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Rough week here in West Virginia. The past week saw the mercury fall to -11, while we also picked up about 10 inches of snowfall and more than an inch of rain on top of that. Now I remember why it was so expensive to live in California. Oh, well. March is only a week away and that means that April is up next along with Opening Day! Hopefully that means some temperatures above freezing in the near future. It’s tough to type these jokes when I can’t feel my fingers. Maybe that’s the problem. Although there is nothing that warms me up as much as when you all remember to keep on sending the love!