Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

CNN aired 195 uses of the word “s--thole” in just one day last week. What’s even more amazing is that none of them were in connection with their ratings.

Pope Francis I is begging for forgiveness for the “irreparable harm” from the Church’s sex scandals. Although he can start to make it good for most parishioners by saying 12 Million Our Fathers and 18 Million Hail Marys.

A public broadcaster in Japan issued a false alarm of a North Korean missile launch on Tuesday following a similar mistake in Hawaii. To which Kim Jong-un admonished both errors saying “I’m not ready yet!”

Robert Mueller has reportedly subpoenaed Steve Bannon. Although the threat of prison is not a problem to Bannon who has already lost two jobs in the past few months and could use a free place to stay for awhile.

An endangered orangutan was found stabbed to death in Indonesia. Which shows whoever warned the ape it was endangered knew what they were talking about.

An endangered orangutan was found stabbed to death in Indonesia. Which was no surprise as these days pretty much everything living in Indonesia is endangered.

A Japanese city has issued an emergency alert for a deadly blowfish recall. This time the person in charge of alerts was told to make sure to press the button marked “fish” instead of “nuclear missile attack.”

A Japanese city has issued an emergency alert for a deadly blowfish recall. While the blowfish may be tainted, the government assured everyone that Hootie is still OK.

A Japanese city has issued an emergency alert for a deadly blowfish recall. No one even knew that Red Lobster had opened a restaurant there.

A male model in London is being charged with murdering a rival. He now has the chance for a new career the next 15-25 years as a model prisoner.

A report says California has the nation’s highest poverty rate at around 1 in 5. There’s another word for poor people in California. Home buyers.

A report says California has the nation’s highest poverty rate at around 1 in 5. The other 4 are the ones who have finished paying off their home mortgage.

The Mormon Church has appointed a 93 year old former heart surgeon as its new president. The Church refused to make an issue of his age, saying he may be young for the position but will have time to eventually learn the ropes.

The temperature in a city in Russia dropped to 88.6 degrees below zero. Fortunately they use the Celsius scale so it doesn’t seem so cold at only 67 degrees below zero.

Donald Trump told reporters he didn’t just want immigrants from Norway, but from “everywhere.” Meaning he will also accept people from Finland, Sweden and Denmark.

McDonald’s says it wants to use 100% recyclable packaging by 2025. Just like how their regular customers recycle clothes by trading them in for a larger size.

McDonald’s says it wants to use 100% recyclable packaging by 2025. Which means the same wrapper that held the Big Mac that gave you Diabetes may also hold the one that causes your heart attack.

Viagra maker Pfizer says it will shut down research and development on medications for Alzheimer’s Disease and Parkinson’s. Mostly because as long as men have Viagra they couldn’t care less about their other afflictions.

The number of Americans without health insurance increased during Donald Trump’s first year in office. To which the people in Haiti and African countries are saying “What a s--thole!”

A report says food and packaging make up 45% of material in U.S. landfills. The other 55% is the packaging for the medications the people eating all that food need for their high blood pressure and heart disease.

UK researchers found a surprising health risk from drinking seawater. Although what could be more risky than the fact that drinking seawater will kill you?

UK researchers found a surprising health risk from drinking seawater in the presence of antibiotic resistant bacteria. Although it turns out that is only when sea salt is used on any dishes served at Chipotle.

A study says saunas may be as good for the heart as moderate exercise. Which finally explains why Republicans are so open to policies that promote the early arrival of global warming.

A study says rural women are having sex earlier than city women. Mostly because the women in urban areas have cellphones that keep them focused on the screen so much they don’t have time to think about men.

A study says rural women are having sex earlier than city women. Which happens mostly when the rural men around them get tired of the local sheep.

An English man ruptured his throat while trying to hold in a sneeze. For the people around him, it was just a lucky thing he wasn’t trying to hold back some gas.

Fox News Channel will air a documentary series “Scandalous” which features a seven part show detailing Bill Clinton’s career. To which people at the network are saying “We thought that’s what ‘Fox & Friends’ is for.”

Fox News Channel will air a documentary series “Scandalous” featuring a seven part show detailing Bill Clinton’s career. The series was delayed because plans fell through to have it hosted by Bill O’Reilly, Ed Henry and Eric Bolling.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye west welcomed a new daughter born by surrogate. They would have had the baby the traditional way but Kardashian found giving birth got in the way of all her obligations on social media.

Larry King says Princess Diana would have seen Meghan Markle as a “step forward” for the monarchy. Although he still has doubts it would have been seen the same way by his good friend Queen Victoria.

Larry King says Princess Diana would have seen Meghan Markle as a “step forward” for the monarchy. Meaning it could bring the Royal Family all the way up to the 15th Century.

George Clooney will star in and direct a series based on the book “Catch-22” for Hulu. He wanted to make it for a big studio, which wouldn’t let him direct the film because he didn’t have the experience he could only get directing it for Hulu.

Novak Djokovic says tennis players could boycott future Grand Slam events over pay. Although tournament organizers thought when they demanded a higher net they meant they wanted them to raise the tape.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan was arrested for punching a police horse and its rider at a game. He must have delivered a real haymaker.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan was arrested for punching a police horse and its rider at a game. If he was doing it to emulate the scene in “Blazing Saddles,” he should remember that Alex Karras played for the Detroit Lions.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. will help NBC with its coverage of the Super Bowl and Winter Olympics. What’s he going to do, run the parking concession?

Charlotte Hornets coach Steve Clifford is back to work following treatment for sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation? Has he been watching any of their games?

An Arkansas college is investigating racial taunts from students at a basketball game. Which are otherwise known in Arkansas as cheers, yells and slogans.

Steph Curry has the top selling NBA jersey, while fourth place goes to the Bucks Giannis Antgetokounmpo. The only problem is making a jersey for Antetokounmpo with letters that just go around the jersey once.

A hit movie in Russia called “Going Vertical” is about the 1972 gold medal basketball game against the U.S. As opposed to the film that will be made about them banned from of the 2018 Winter Games for doping which will be called “Going Horizontal.”

The San Francisco Airport can now send wireless emergency alerts. Apparently the got the system for a really good price from the state government in Hawaii.
 
A contraceptive app is under fire for unwanted pregnancies. Mostly because all it does is tell women to stop using Tinder.

A contraceptive app is under fire for unwanted pregnancies. Which is a surprise since cellphones stop pregnancies in general by keeping people from ever even looking up from their screens long enough to have sex with anyone.

A study says most good jobs in South Dakota are going to people without a bachelor’s degree. Mostly because the only reason people go to college there is to have a chance to get a job somewhere other than South Dakota.

Kentucky has been picked on the worst state to retire. To which most people in Kentucky are saying “What’s retire?”

Holiday shoppers spent a record $108.2 Billion online in 2017. Which will be followed by an equal amount to replace the cheap crap they bought on Amazon that has already broken since Christmas.

Ferrari says it will start making an SUV. Which an SUV From Ferrari sounds like it will have about the same demand as a ten speed bicycle put out by Harley-Davidson.

Uber says it will require drivers to take extended breaks after working ten hour shifts. Especially for drivers who spend nine hours of that time stuck circling a roundabout.

A new app helps people put down their mobile devices and reconnect with their life. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the phone’s “off switch.”

A former CIA officer was arrested for possession of classified documents. That’s the last time he will ever buy space on Hillary Clinton’s private server.

The White House doctor says there is no concern about Donald Trump’s cognitive health. Which is good on one hand that he is of sound mind, but bad knowing now that he meant all of those things he has said.

A report says Donald Trump’s 38% approval rating is lower than it should be with a strong economy and voter satisfaction. But it’s still higher than it should be for someone taking away people’s healthcare and calling other countries “s--tholes.”

Donald Trump’s physical exam says he is 6’3” tall and weighs 239 pounds, putting him just below “obese” on the BMI scale. The good news is that using the electoral vote formula puts his weight more around 185.

Steny Hoyer, the number two Democrat in the House says Donald Trump qualifies as a racist. Which the White House praised, saying it’s the first time any Democrat has described Trump as “qualified.”

Donald Trump finished his first year with the lowest approval rating of any elected President. Even worse for Trump is that he still has three years to go.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, only in this country do we have the celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday disrupted by controversy over our President calling African nations “s--tholes.” I don’t like to use profanity, so I have bleeped out the word but you all know what it is. Besides, if I completely eliminate profanity that would be the end of all my Donald Trump quotes. Oh, well. I hope you had a good weekend. I had a couple of days off but it was tough to do anything as we got nailed with four inches of snow yesterday. Ugh. I am already tired of winter. Bring on the spring and let’s get some baseball going again! That’s when the world is good again. Of course, my world is always good when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. He will now work at the Weather Service and be in charge of sending out blizzard warnings.

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. Although it could have been worse. With Donald Trump as President, anyone sending out a nuclear attack alert has a 50-50 chance of being right.

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. He will now be working as the track switcher for Amtrak.

A report says the worker who sent out the false missile attack alert in Hawaii just pressed a wrong button. The question is, what was he doing at Donald Trump’s desk?

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. Or as Donald Trump says, “I hate when that happens.”

The FCC is investigating the false Hawaiian nuclear missile alert. That might take awhile. They still haven’t come up with a final decision on the Janet Jackson Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction in 2004.

The FCC is investigating the false Hawaiian nuclear missile alert. That might take awhile. Although more people want them to come to a faster decision on Net Neutrality so they know if they can still binge watch on Netflix.

The expletive “s--thole” was projected onto Donald Trump’s Washington, D.C. hotel. Although management will be more concerned if it results in a bad review on Yelp.

A study says a fourth of all non-believers turn to prayer during a personal crisis. The other three fourths are just holding on until the next election.

A study says a fourth of all non-believers turn to prayer during a personal crisis. The sad part is when their prayers start out “To whom this may concern…”

A measles warning has been issued at O’Hare Airport in Chicago. The good news is it won’t spread as by the time anyone gets a flight out of there they will be past the ten days when they are contagious.

A magazine is making the case for a 28 hour work week. Which will happen the day they give everyone an executive suite.

A magazine is making the case for a 28 hour work week. Mostly to give people enough time to work at all three jobs it takes them to make ends meet.

A magazine is making the case for a 28 hour work week. Especially in the magazine business where they can’t afford to pay for any more full time employees.

Alibaba has developed Artificial Intelligence that can outscore humans in reading and comprehension. Their next goal is to make the program perform at even higher than a second grade level.

A study says having sex weekly as a person ages improves brain function. The only problem is when it becomes having sex weakly.

A study says having sex weekly as a person ages improves brain function. Especially the ones who think they still have a chance at having sex weekly.

A study says having sex weekly as a person ages improves brain function. Until their wife hits them with a frying pan when she finds out who they are having sex with.

A report says the first human frozen cryonically will be brought back to life in ten years. Meaning the money they put down for the procedure has finally run out.

An Oklahoma University professor says robots could replace humans literally in every job. Especially in Oklahoma where all they need are robots to cut hay and drill for oil.

An Oklahoma University professor says robots could replace humans literally in every job. Which they can start with making one that knows how to push the right button for a nuclear missile attack alert in Hawaii.

JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says the Democrats don’t have a strong presidential candidate for 2020. Which at this point, Democrats figure they can run anyone with the label “Not Trump.”

A car went airborne crashing into the second story of a dentist’s office in California. That building really got drilled.

A floor collapsed at the Jakarta Stock Exchange, injuring 80 people. Talk about the bottom falling out of the market.

A floor collapsed at the Jakarta Stock Exchange, injuring 80 people. Which didn’t do a lot for the stock price of the company that made the building.

Donald Trump commented on the Hawaiian missile attack false alert, saying “They made a mistake.” In fact, he even admitted he once made a mistake, back in 1952.

Yesterday was Blue Monday, with the third Monday of January called by some as the most depressing day of the year. Mostly for people who realize they only have 48 more weeks to pay off last Christmas before the next one arrives.

Yesterday was Blue Monday, with the third Monday of January called by some as the most depressing day of the year. Especially for the people who realize they have already broken every single one of their New Year’s resolutions.

An Army veteran is suing the VA for leaving a scalpel inside him after a surgery. Ironically, his internal bleeding was blamed on VA medical benefits cuts.

A woman was booted out of a Chick-fil-A in South Dakota for breast-feeding her daughter. Chick-fil-A says it has a strict policy of covering all their breasts with two pieces of bread.

The federal government is warning pot users they are banned from having guns or ammunition. Which means stoners have a choice to make between bang or bong.

He CDC has postponed a session on preparing people for nuclear war. The good news is that Hawaii has already pretty much gone through their training.

An Indiana hospital computer system was hacked and held ransom for Bitcoins. To which hackers on behalf of the patients are saying “How’s it feel when it happens to you?”

Donald Trump got an “excellent health” report on the physical exam by his White House doctor. To which Democrats are saying they would like a second opinion.

Donald Trump got an “excellent health” report on the physical exam by his White House doctor. After which Ben Carson went back to work running HUD.

A study says fungus and bacteria thrive in dishwashers. Especially when people take their food from Chipotle out of the go container at home and eat it from a plate.

A study says one out of four American adults have split with a partner over financial issues. The other three didn’t have financial issues until their spouse split with them and took half of everything they own.

A study says rich people are now “wise” when it comes to love. Mostly because if you have enough money it’s always easy to find the next person to go out with.

The romance between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will be portrayed in a Lifetime movie. What could be filled with more tension, suspense and personal obstacles than a love story between a wealthy prince and a beautiful TV actress?

Danica Patrick is reportedly dating Aaron Rogers. Both certainly have made a career over knowing how to make a pass.

CoCo Vandeweghe was given a code violation at the Australian Open for taking too much time to eat a banana during a set break. The umpire penalized her for making him go “CoCo bananas.”

LaMelo Ball scored 31 points in a game on his Lithuanian team. Although he still hasn’t made as many steals as his brother LiAngelo did playing with UCLA in China.

The Toronto Blue Jays will extend protective netting around the Rogers Centre. The good thing is that it’s not like they will have to offer any protection from getting hit by baseballs for their fans in the outfield bleachers.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver is encouraging equality in the league, saying players are judged on talent and not race. Which goes even farther in San Antonio where they are not judged by their age.

Dennis Rodman was arrested for DUI n California. The question with Rodman is, how could anyone even tell?

Dennis Rodman was arrested for DUI n California. Although the only problem with that is he is probably more dangerous on the road when he is sober.

Golfers on the PGA Tour were worried while playing an event during the false missile attack alert. Although no North Korean missile could possibly be as accurate over a long distance as Dustin Johnson nearly holing out a 433 yard tee shot.

A study says obesity has cut nearly a year off the life expectancy in the U.S. The good news is those people will have a year less to deal with being fat shamed.

Australia’s new visa system could use Artificial Intelligence to spot dubious applicants. Apparently that is their way of saying they will keep out the immigrants from “s--thole countries.”

Saudi Arabia lifted a 35 year ban on cinemas with a screening of “The Emoji Movie.” Well, that ought to scare them away for at least another three decades.

Hackers reportedly broke into a company’s computers and stole $400,000 in Bitcoins. Which by next week when they try to sell them will be worth all of $12.50.

France is debating whether to ban cellphones from students in school. Although the alternative is having to communicate personally with each other which is tough since the country banned soap and deodorant.

A poll says only 1% of Donald Trump’s supporters back Steve Bannon’s efforts. The other 99% are more interested in buying Bannon an ironing board and razor.

Jeb Bush has thrown his support behind Mitt Romney in his run for Senator from Utah. Apparently Bush his hoping he can energize both people who voted for him in the 2016 Utah primary.

Melania Trump has hired a new director of operations, policy director and communications coordinator. Apparently she is hoping her husband might follow her lead and try the same thing.

Donald Trump spent Martin Luther King, Jr. Day at Mar-a-Lago in Florida. And what better place to celebrate the Civil Rights movement than playing golf at a $200,000 per membership country club in the South?

Donald Trump’s “Fake News Awards” are set for tomorrow. Which is just his way of honoring the networks that had the fewest instances of repeating the term “s--thole countries.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world with the death of Cranberries singer Dolores O’Riordan suddenly at age 46. No cause of death was reported, although she had reportedly recently suffered physical and mental health problems. Hard to believe the singer in an Irish folk band could have depression. The group had a string of ‘90s hits like “Zombie,” “Linger” and “Dreams.” She had a great voice and was very adept at writing some catchy songs. Another talent lost way too young. I will probably play a couple of their songs today and will of course feel better when all of you remember to always keep sending the love!