Thursday, April 27, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Federal authorities are running nuclear response drills at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey. And what better place to prepare for disasters than where they already take place every Sunday when the Jets are playing at home?

Federal authorities are running nuclear response drills at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey. Which means next week you can look online for autographed game-worn army helmets.

The top U.S. commander in the Pacific says the U.S. needs to strengthen its missile defense in Hawaii. To which Jeff Sessions is saying all that for just some island in the Pacific?

The Pentagon is ramping up its space warfare efforts. Apparently it is in response to the Trump Administration’s strategy of why stop at just blowing up the Earth?

A survey says more L.A. residents believe there could be rioting like in 1992 again soon. Although most are not concerned about the possibility of riots since the Lakers didn’t even make the playoffs this year.

Researchers say whales “whisper” to evade predators. If that doesn’t work they can try something just as useful, like hiding behind a sea anemone.

A Swedish startup is using Artificial Intelligence to figure out what dolphins talk about. The first conversation they translated was “Hey, how about you people getting out here and cleaning up this mess you made in the ocean?”

A Swedish startup is using Artificial Intelligence to figure out what dolphins talk about. The first conversation they translated was “That better be dolphin friendly tuna you are eating up there!”

In response to the proposed border wall, Mexico is saying it may charge a fee to Americans trying to enter their country. Which for the first time could result in Mexican authorities looking for people hiding in the trunk going the other way.

The Private Suite, a remote terminal at LAX offers privacy with no paparazzi to VIPs for a fee of $1,500 to $4,000. Which most people would be more than willing to pay if it would just get them past the TSA screeners.

A new BMW car reportedly changes color depending on the owner’s mood. Which after they get their monthly payment bill, just like their bank account it turns red.

Jonathan Demme, who directed “The Silence of the Lambs” has died at age 73. His family says he will be cremated and served with fava beans and a nice chianti.

A survey says a cashless society is getting closer. In fact, it’s already here for the majority of Americans who have been pretty much cashless since 2007.

ESPN will reportedly cut 100 air personalities because of falling revenue. Which is bad news for fans who will see their favorite announcers no longer covering demolition derby, horseshoes and ice fishing.

ESPN will reportedly cut 100 air personalities because of falling revenue. Which brought a sigh of relief from the 5,000 other overpaid former jocks and announcers who managed to keep their jobs for now.

ESPN will reportedly cut 100 air personalities because of falling revenue. The announcers thanked ESPN for the opportunities to work there, the chance to work with a great staff, and mostly for being able to get out of Bristol, Connecticut.

ESPN will reportedly cut 100 air personalities because of falling revenue. The network will save money on salaries, benefits and mostly the monthly legal fees from all the sexual harassment lawsuits.

A Missouri 7-Eleven worker shot and killed a would-be robber while outside on a smoking break. The store was so happy that they are refunding the worker the $12.50 she paid there for the pack of cigarettes.

A Missouri 7-Eleven worker shot and killed a would-be robber while outside on a smoking break. Which serves as a lesson for everyone who should think twice about interrupting a smoker having their first cigarette of the day.

A Missouri 7-Eleven worker shot and killed a would-be robber while outside on a smoking break. That’s what happens when you upset someone even more who is getting ready to go back inside and have to clean the Slurpee machine.

Paris police revived a woman who was declared dead an hour earlier by paramedics. Apparently they were able to detect the difference between the odor of someone who has passed away or just not bathed recently.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says Donald Trump has “no intention” of ever releasing his tax returns. Mostly because that could get in the way of his real intention to make as much money as he can by being President.

Donald Trump’s proposed tax plan will cut the corporate tax rate to 15%. Which means for most large corporations, compared to what they pay now will be a 25% increase.

China has banned Muslim names like “Jihad” in an effort to curb religious fervor. If they think that will quash religious idealism, they have to think about what happened in Paris when someone just published some offensive cartoons.

Pope Francis I gave a talk at a conference where he called for the more powerful “to act humbly.” To which Wall Street bankers immediately changed their behavior to lighting their Cuban cigars with nothing higher than a $50 bill.

Donald Trump is giving talks where he tries to link illegal immigrants with Chicago’s homicide problem. To which Italian-Americans are just breathing a sigh of relief we aren’t still in the 1920s.

A report says NASA spacewalk suits are in short supply. It’s getting so bad, the astronauts are told when they go outside to make sure it is on casual dress Friday.

Kashmir has shut down all social networks for a month. Which means people will no longer be able to go on Facebook and see all the selfies with them holding signs saying “Send Help!”

Chipotle is warning customers about “unauthorized activity” on its payment processing system. Which is different from the usual warnings of unauthorized activity from Chipotle which usually pertains to their customers’ colons.

A study says illicit pot use and abuse is increasing in states where medicinal marijuana is legal. To which the people are saying they just want to see what it is like to get high when they aren’t sick.

China has launched its first domestically built aircraft carrier. Apparently they decided to keep it after having no luck trying to sell it online through Amazon.

A pet rabbit reportedly died on a flight from London to Chicago. How ironic that it didn’t live to make it to O’Hare.

A pet rabbit reportedly died on a flight from London to Chicago. The worst part is before it died, several witnesses reported seeing the bunny dragged off the plane by its ears.

A study says the best way to get over a breakup is to do something, anything you think might help. Which for newly divorced men might mean painting their new studio apartment to match the couch that is the only piece of furniture they own.

A study says the best way to get over a breakup is to do something, anything you think might help. For men, that means going to the store and buying a new limejuice container to replace the current one that has been in the refrigerator 12 years.

A study says beer drinkers may develop irregular heart rhythms. Usually right about the time after their 15th beer when they are driving home and see the police cruiser lights come on in their rear-view mirror.

A 6th grade boy in Texas was told to fix his haircut or be suspended. To which people immediately requested transfers to that school district if that was the biggest problem they had with their students.

A woman gave birth to a baby while visiting a zoo in Nebraska. The embarrassing part was that she was rushed to the giraffe exhibit so it could be shown live over the Internet.

An Illinois couple who were married for nearly 70 years died 40 minutes apart from each other. When the husband was told his wife had passed, his last words were “I win!”

An Illinois couple who were married for nearly 70 years died 40 minutes apart from each other. The worst part is that he spent his final minutes on Tinder seeing how many times he could be swiped right.

R. Kelly is being sued by a Mississippi deputy for allegedly having an affair with his wife. Kelly’s defense is that there is no way he was involved unless the deputy was married to a 14 year old.

JFK’s diary that was written in post-World War II Europe has sold for $718,000. It would have been worth more but it didn’t contain any of the good stuff that happened after he met Marilyn Monroe.

Tennis pro Genie Bouchard says she thinks Maria Sharapova should have been banned for life. Which means that she has just found out Sharapova is her first round opponent at the French Open.

Tennis pro Genie Bouchard says she thinks Maria Sharapova should have been banned for life. She thinks it would send a message about drug use, show no favoritism to the better players and save the hearing of half the tour.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have cut the league’s first Lithuanian player and replaced him with the first African. The only question is whether the transaction should be handled by the agents, management or the U.N.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have cut the league’s first Lithuanian player and replaced him with the first African. Although there was a little anxiety for a Pirate coming from Africa until players were assured he wasn’t from Somalia.

Former NBA Commissioner David Stern says “Shame on the Brooklyn Nets” for resting players in the final game that had playoff implications. Although there was more shame that the starters even needed any rest after finishing 20-62.

Marissa Mayer will reportedly get an out-the-door package from Yahoo of $100 Million. She not only went out the door, she took the door, the carpet and the kitchen sink.

Twitter shares went up 10% after better than expected quarterly earnings. Ever since Donald Trump was elected, more people are using Twitter so they can actually follow the start of World War III in real time.

Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz will be out several weeks to have foot surgery. Following the investigations of Hillary Clinton and announcement he may resign, the surgery is needed to repair the damage from repeatedly shooting himself in the foot.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz told a Senate Committee the airline is working to “regain our customers’ trust with the highest quality of service and deepest level of respect and care.” And who says corporate CEOs don’t have a sense of humor?

Ann Coulter has pulled out of an event at UC Berkeley, calling it a “sad day for free speech.” As opposed to the rare day for free speech that would take place if Coulter actually ever gave a speech didn’t come with a huge speaking fee.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t want to fill all the vacancies in the federal government. Which is ironic as most people use the term “vacant” when they refer to the person who works in the Oval Office.

A poll says 36% of voters would reelect Donald Trump as President. Which is a coincidence as that is exactly the same percentage who elected him the first time.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am on the jokes today, even though I don’t feel that great. Which now shows me how the rest of you feel by the time you get to this same point every day. Still I carry on, waiting for my eventual reward which happens when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A group led by Al Gore wants $15 Trillion to fight global warming. The only problem is that the planet’s temperature could go even higher from burning all that cash.

A group led by Al Gore wants $15 Trillion to fight global warming. Apparently the money is needed as the third installment of “An Inconvenient Truth” is going to use all-union film crews.

Sean Hannity says liberals are trying to silence conservative voices with sexual harassment charges, to which he has assembled a team of the “finest and toughest” lawyers. Meaning he prefers to silence opponents the traditional way. With cash and intimidation.

ESPN is anticipating layoffs that could become a “bloodbath.” No one had any idea the consequences would be this serious just from Thursday Night Football.

ESPN is anticipating layoffs that could become a “bloodbath.” On one hand, anchors are afraid of losing their high-paying jobs. On the other, it appears to be the only way they will ever get out of Bristol, Connecticut.

Google has promised to alter its search results to punish websites that promote extreme views, fake news and conspiracy theories. In other words, you will just get a blank page when you type in “Breitbart.”

Google has promised to alter its search results to punish websites that promote extreme views, fake news and conspiracy theories. The good news for Fox is that even if people can’t access their web page, they still have their TV channel.

The U.S. Air Force is planning to launch a test missile off the California coast. Which is getting confusing when someone with a bad haircut orders an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile show of strength does it mean the U.S. or North Korea?

A Notre Dame University student accused of stalking, harassment and dating violence claims he was expelled because he is male. Which is like IRS saying people don’t like them because they are a part of the government.

Scientists say they have created an artificial womb. The bad news is that it could mean that Caitlyn Jenner could get hold of one to create even more Kardashians.

A popular antivirus program reportedly can mistakenly identify Windows as a threat. Which most users say isn’t that far off as long as it is calling out Windows 7, Windows 95 or Windows Vista.

A report says Donald Trump’s border wall request for funding represents .035% of federal spending. The problem is the other 99.965% is earmarked for the military.

A report says Donald Trump’s border wall request for funding represents .035% of federal spending. The real problem is that it also represents all the money that is left in the Federal Treasury.

Scientists say they are close to developing a muscle-building exercise pill. The only problem is that if people store the pills on a high shelf it could be too hard for them to put out the effort to get them down to take them.

Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross says a U.S. trade war with Canada is “unlikely.” Mostly because he feels if it gets that serious, Americans can do without bacon and molasses if Canadians can give up their brats and cheese.

Nordstrom’s is selling jeans covered in dirt for $425 a pair. Or women could just give a $20 pair of regular jeans to a man and wait a week.

Nordstrom’s is selling jeans covered in dirt for $425 a pair. That way they can tell if the pants have been worn when they are returned cleaner than when they were bought.

A congressional panel says the Republican plan to cut corporate taxes would lead to massive revenue losses. To which corporate CEOs are arguing the finding, saying “Not for us!”

North Korea detained an American at an airport for unknown reasons. Which at least is better than the last time Kim Jong-un kept someone from boarding a flight.

A Scottish politician running for Glasgow city council says she wants to bring back the guillotine. How strict are the parking laws in that city?

John McCain has told Donald Trump to “get tough” with China about North Korea. Apparently he thinks Trump is weak in going a whole 100 days in office without starting a war.

John McCain has told Donald Trump to “get tough” with China about North Korea. He thinks China at the very least is close enough to yell at Kim Jong-un to get off their lawn.

McDonald’s has increased their revenue with their all-day breakfast menu. Which shows that expanding the menu leads to expanded profits by expanding waistlines.

Uber says it plans to test a fleet of flying taxis by 2020. Although some people not might not feel comfortable being flown around by an unemployed graduate student who has never been behind the wheel of anything more complicated than a Prius.

Uber says it plans to test a fleet of flying taxis by 2020. Although the last thing anyone who needs a ride wants to do is be flown around after drinking too much after a sushi dinner.

A report says consumer complaints have spiked 325% in 2017 over student loans. Mostly when borrowers realized they are going to be paying back 325% of the original amount.

A report says consumer complaints have spiked 325% in 2017 over student loans. How bad is that business when people are more satisfied after flying on United?

The release date for “Star Wars: Episode IX” has been announced for May of 2019. The only problem will be for people going to theaters who will have to step over the geeks camping out for a place in line for the next two years.

A report says home prices in the U.S. grew at the fastest rate in the past three years. Which just means the people who lost their homes in 2008 have even less of a chance of ever being able to afford to buy them back.

A report says home prices in the U.S. grew at the fastest rate in the past three years. Which is great news for the Chinese investors who are the only ones to still be able to buy them up.

House Republicans are targeting strict regulations put into effect after the financial crisis. Apparently the idea is that people have had nine years to get back on their feet so it seems like a good time to crash the economy again.

House Republicans are targeting strict regulations put into effect after the financial crisis. Which means it may be time to change the old adage to “Once bitten twice stupid.”

A report says the number of undocumented immigrants in the U.S. has dropped in the past year. Mostly because after seeing how the U.S. going, they are more afraid of the wall not keeping them out but keeping them in once they are here.

A romance novelist was injured at the Las Vegas airport when his e-cigarette battery exploded in his pocket. Even he couldn’t come up with a better romance novel line than “I feel an intense heat for you. In my pants!”

A poll says Russians are seeing a widening gap between the rich and poor. In fact, they are so much like the U.S. anymore they decided to pick our President for us.

Researchers say mindfulness and meditation don’t help with lower back pain. Especially when the person meditating throws their spine completely out of alignment by trying to twist themselves into the wounded peacock yoga position.

A study says heavy drinkers may not handle alcohol as well as they think. Which is probably how they became heavy drinkers in the first place.

Researchers say middle-aged people can empower their brains through exercise. The only problem is when their brains make them think they can still exercise like they remember doing 50 years ago.

A poll says 50% of Americans have little or no confidence in the GOP health care push. The other 50% have no confidence in the GOP’s policies for the border wall, economy, jobs, education, environment…

76 year old Faye Dunaway says she “felt guilty” over the Oscars Best Picture gaffe. Mostly because it was her first speaking part in 20 years and she felt embarrassed about having to yell out “Line!”

Kelly Wright, a black male anchor at Fox News is suing the network alleging racial discrimination. People were surprised. Fox has a black male anchor?

Elton John has cancelled some U.S. shows following a rare infection contracted in South America. Although he wasn’t upset that he finally can say he has something in common with last summer’s Olympic athletes.

The Writers Guild of America has voted to authorize a strike. They have no plans to walk out, it just gives them a good plot line for several series episode scripts some of them are working on.

“The Walton’s” star Mary McDonough says she starved herself after being told she was too fat for television. To which producers say they didn’t tell her to be thin to look pretty, but because their show was set during the Depression.

Clemson quarterback Deshaun Watson says he will enter the NFL draft with one goal, being as good as Tom Brady. Apparently he upped his standards from his old objective of being as good as Johnny Manziel.

Clemson quarterback Deshaun Watson says he will enter the NFL draft with one goal, being as good as Tom Brady. To which coaches are already holding him to that, asking him how well he can handle an air pressure gauge.

Jeb Bush will have controlling interest of the Miami Marlins if his group is chosen to buy the team. The only question is how did Jeb Bush come up with the most money in a $1.3 purchase while working as an employee for the State of Florida?

Jeb Bush will have controlling interest of the Miami Marlins if his group is chosen to buy the team. Apparently after his disastrous campaign in 2016 he is picking the route his brother used to get to the White House through baseball.

Spurs coach Gregg Popovich reportedly left a $5,000 tip at a restaurant in Memphis. How good was that server on the refill detail?

David Stern says he doesn’t miss being the NBA Commissioner. Neither does anyone else considering his greatest achievement was bringing a major professional sport to Oklahoma.

Maria Sharapova may have to qualify to get into the French Open. To win the championship that means she would have to get past almost as many opponents as if she had run for French President.

A Chinese entrepreneur is promoting insects as a source of protein for the country. Which shouldn’t be that hard of a sell to a people who don’t mind an occasional plateful of dog, fox and donkey meat.

Caitlyn Jenner says she would seriously consider running for public office. At least there is one person who would take that seriously.

Caitlyn Jenner says she would seriously consider running for public office. The only bad part would be dealing with opponents trying to label her as a “flip-flopper.”

A poll says most Millennials disapprove of Donald Trump. Which means for one of the few times in the nation’s history when it comes to politics there is no generation gap.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As you know, I write this blog five days a week almost without fail. Which means as of Friday I might be open more days a year than the federal government. If they are going to do a shutdown, why couldn’t it have happened before Tax Day? There is just no sense of timing in Washington, D.C. If Donald Trump shuts down the government, that will be good news for the people who used that reason to vote for him. We’ll see how happy they are when they don’t get their Social Security check. I know all it takes to ever make me happy is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump says he wants to send astronauts to Mars during his first term as President. Which could be his alternative as a way to get around to having to send any illegal immigrants back home.

A survey says Wi-Fi in the home is more important to people than having clean underwear. Although having a clean change of underwear is the first thing some people need when the Internet goes down right in the middle of binge watching “Doctor Who.”

DNC Chairman Tom Perez is being criticized for his frequent swearing in speeches. Apparently it has just been hard to stop ever since he saw the election returns on November 8th.

Alibaba founder Jack Ma says within 30 years a robot will be on the cover of Time Magazine as the best CEO. People were shocked at the prediction. Time Magazine will still be around in 30 years?

Alibaba founder Jack Ma says within 30 years a robot will be on the cover of Time Magazine as the best CEO. To which Bill Gates is saying he’s already been there nine times.

Alibaba founder Jack Ma says he sees decades of pain as the Internet upends the old economy. Mostly the pain from people looking at all the junk around their house they ordered from Alibaba, Amazon and eBay.

Alibaba founder Jack Ma says he sees decades of pain as the Internet upends the old economy. Which won’t be that much of a change for most people who have gone through the last nine years in pain from living with the old economy.

Prosecutors in Connecticut were able to use data from a Fitbit in order to bring murder charges against a dead woman’s husband. Investigators feel he should have known that giving someone an incentive to exercise could prove fatal.

North Korea media has issued a threat to “wipe out” the U.S. To which Wall Street bankers are saying they tried that back in 2007 and it is harder than it looks.

Chobani Yogurt is suing conservative radio host Ales Jones for spreading false information about the company. Which will be hard to prove any damages since it will be hard to find any radio listeners who actually eat yogurt.

Chobani Yogurt is suing conservative radio host Ales Jones for spreading false information about the company. The only problem is that it is the closest he has ever been to the truth after his claims about Pizzagate, the 911 “inside job” and Sandy Hook being staged.

A Washington State boy celebrated his 12th birthday by asking for people to donate shoes to the homeless. Mostly because 12 year old boys don’t ever need shoes since the only place they ever walk is from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

Egyptian tourism officials are insisting popular sites are safe. Which would be a different opinion from the one given by all the slaves who had to build those pyramids.

An immigration rights group has put together a video showing people how to avoid deportation. The first suggestion is by getting a job as a waiter or gardener at Mar-a-Lago.

A report says apprenticeship programs are putting workers on track to jobs in finance. Which will teach them how to make all kinds of money in a field that makes all its future employees to work for free.

A report says apprenticeship programs are putting workers on track to jobs in finance. Although the last apprenticeship program that people put their faith into has ended up pushing the country back into the 1950s.

The attorney for the United Airlines dragged passenger is now representing the woman in the stroller incident on American. If he ends up in court against Delta that means he will pretty much be resigned to doing all his traveling on Greyhound.

The attorney for the United Airlines dragged passenger is now representing the woman in the stroller incident on American. All it will take is a lawsuit against Southwest and he will qualify for the Frequent Litigators program.

A report says Wisconsin dairy farms are facing closings due to Canadian policies. Which is ironic as those dairies have stayed in business all these years because of the Canadian diet.

Donald Trump says he wants to cut the corporate tax rate to 15%. To which U.S. corporations say that is great, especially as long as they can still pay with pesos, rubles and Yuan.

Donald Trump says he wants to cut the corporate tax rate to 15%. To which the businesses are asking if he means cutting to 15% from the current 35% rate, or raising it to 15% from the zero percent they actually pay now.

Bill O’Reilly is back on a podcast after being taken off the air by Fox News. The cost to listen is $4.95 a month or $49.95 a year. Although listening to his private phone conversations with women coworkers costs $2.99 a minute.

Ontario, Canada has launched a guaranteed income program that will pay people a minimum $12,600 a year. Which is also offered in the U.S. but only if you can qualify for unemployment, disability or welfare.

A study says walking can improve a person’s brain function. The way to tell is for the people who go out for a walk and can actually find their way back home.

A brand of hash brown potatoes is being recalled because they may contain pieces of golf balls. You can tell when the waitress bringing you breakfast yells out “Fore!”

A brand of hash brown potatoes is being recalled because they may contain pieces of golf balls. It’s the one that is advertised as  “Tiger Woods’ Breakfast of Champions.”

A brand of hash brown potatoes is being recalled because they may contain pieces of golf balls. People are urged when they see someone choking on a piece of golf ball to make sure to perform the Heimlich maneuver using the Vardon grip.

A brand of hash brown potatoes is being recalled because they may contain pieces of golf balls. So far it has resulted in the most choking caused by golf balls since the 2012 U.S. Ryder Cup team.

A study says bright lights could help with waking patients out of a coma. Which is really bad when they have been in a sleep state for years because the whole time they thought it was still nighttime.

A study says obesity steals more years from people’s lives than diabetes, smoking, high blood pressure and cholesterol. The irony is that all of those problems could be wiped out by losing the junk food diet and the after meal cigarette.

Mississippi is trying to recruit homegrown doctors to cure the state’s physician shortage. The only problem is that the number one reason people there go to college and medical school is to make enough money to leave Mississippi.

Justin Bieber says he “Thanks God he is not where he used to be.” To which all the Canadians are saying “Back at ya!”

Former Fox News anchor Andrea Tantaros is accusing the network of illegal electronic surveillance. To which Fox is saying that was just Bill O’Reilly’s way of saying welcome aboard.

Kenny G gave an impromptu concert on a Delta Airlines flight. To which the passengers said the next time they would rather be dragged off United or hit with a stroller on American.

Kid Rock teamed up with Jack Nicklaus at a golf tournament to beat Gary Player and Lee Trevino. Mostly because every time they tried to putt, Kid Rock kept yelling “Shake the bogey, said up jump the bogey.”

Richard Simmons, following his hospitalization thanked the doctors, nurses, police officers, firefighters and the military. Just what did the guy have? Even Ebola didn’t require that much help.

Serena Williams wrote a letter to her unborn baby saying “I can’t wait to meet you.” Neither can the other players who want to thank the baby for keeping Serena out of the major tournaments the next nine months.

Red Sox reliever Matt Barnes has been suspended four games for throwing at the Orioles Manny Machado. If that was the rule in the old days, Don Drysdale and Bob Gibson wouldn’t have had more than three starts in a season.

Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner says the dirt bike ride that caused an injury “was not the most responsible decision.” Now the team is just waiting for when he decides to tell how he really got hurt.

A New Jersey teenager has been accepted to all eight Ivy League schools. Although the application to Princeton was actually a mistake as the reason she wants to go to an Ivy League school is so she can finally get out of New Jersey.

A New Jersey teenager has been accepted to all eight Ivy League schools. Although the application to Princeton was actually a mistake as the reason she wants to go to an Ivy League school is so she can finally get out of New Jersey.

Marissa Mayer will make a reported $186 Million from the sale of Yahoo to Verizon. The money is a bonus for Mayer’s decision to relinquish control before her leadership took the company’s value down to zero.

Marissa Mayer will make a reported $186 Million from the sale of Yahoo to Verizon. Upon learning of the news she couldn’t think of any other words to describe her feelings about Yahoo other than “Yippee!”

A report says America’s shrinking middle class is now less than in all 11 countries of Western Europe. What’s even worse is that Europe’s lower class is now pretty much the same as the U.S. middle class.

Scientists say that global warming is to be blamed for record-breaking heat waves around the world. And vice versa.

A Russian man has received the longest prison sentence ever in the U.S. for hacking. Ironically, the sentence for any Americans conspiring with Russian hackers is four years in the White House.

An “anomaly” is being blamed for a railway ticket on a 64 mile route in the UK to be listed at $12,000. Mostly because the railroad knew they could get the money as the only alternative way to get there was to fly United.

A report says Sears tops the list of retailers mostly vulnerable to defaulting on their debt. To which most people were surprised. “Sears is still in business?”

A report says Sears tops the list of retailers mostly vulnerable to defaulting on their debt. What’s worse is that all the other retailers are tied for second.

A retired Marine General is expected to be named as the next director of the Secret Service. Mostly because even a retired person can remember to lock the White House doors before going to bed at night.

Chris Christie gave Donald Trump a “B” grade on his first 100 days in office. Which means Christie pretty much gets an “F” when it comes to knowing the only way to get on the list to be hired by Trump is to never give anything less than an “A+.”

Bill O’Reilly is returning on a podcast that he says will be a “genuine news program.” The problem is that the only genuine news that everyone is talking about is all the sexual harassment lawsuits filed against Bill O’Reilly.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions says after being criticized about his comments about Hawaii “Nobody has a sense of humor anymore.” For example someone took away his favorite speech props of a rubber chicken and white hood.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Since I am posting this it means we haven’t been destroyed yet by nuclear war with North Korea. Damn. If it’s going to happen I want it to be before I mail in my credit card payment. Some scary times we are living in. Hopefully, these jokes take away a little of the anxiety from the world situation. Or maybe they just make them worse. In any event, I just hope you are relaxed enough to remember to always keep on sending the love!