Sunday, September 21, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Secret Service has beefed up security after a man was able to jump a fence at the White House and make it through the front doors. Agents would have been faster to apprehend the suspect but were busy patting down and strip searching a group of kindergartners and senior citizens who were touring the White House on a field trip.

The Secret Service has beefed up security after a man was able to jump a fence at the White House and make it through the front doors. Agents are still trying to figure out how Joe Biden was able to get away from his handlers in the first place.

The Secret Service has beefed up security after a man was able to jump a fence at the White House and make it through the front doors. Which proves people wrong who say the only way to get into the White House is to sell your soul to billionaire campaign donors.

A poll says that one in four Americans is open to seceding from the U.S. Ironically, most of them are from states that are the most concerned about people from the outside trying to make it into the U.S.

Billionaire Peter Thiel, founder of Pay Pal is putting money into technology to extend human life, saying he is on a mission to cheat death. As opposed to other billionaires who are on a mission to cheat their partners, investors and the IRS.

Security has been stepped up at the Vatican over fear of a terrorist attack against the Pope. The last thing they want is for the Pope wonder what is hiding around every corner. That sort of fear is still just reserved for altar boys.

American Airlines is introducing flights from New York to Los Angeles for $8,000 that include meals with shrimp scampi, vented compartments and privacy. Which isn’t that bad when you consider the price is about the same amount of fees travelers pay in economy for their luggage, an aisle seat and a blanket.

The Tesla Model S remembers pothole locations and adjusts to avoid them. Which means it is virtually impossible to steer the car anywhere into New York City during the winter months.

Scotland voted against independence from the UK by a 55% to 45% margin. Apparently the reason for the overwhelming vote was the Scots just don’t like to drink alone.

The new Apple iPhone 6 went on sale last week, and people traveled as far as from Brazil to Australia to buy one. The worst part for them was turning on the phone when they got back home and have to listen to Siri say “Loser!”

Hertz is paying former CEO Mark Frissora a $10.5 Million separation fee. It would have been $15 Million but they decided to stick him with a drop off charge.

Hertz is paying former CEO Mark Frissora a $10.5 Million separation fee. Which means the difference between CEOs and other employees is we get fired and they get divorced.

A startup company is partnering with a beer brewery to quickly detect taste spoiling bacteria. Coors has already gotten around that problem by never offering a beer that actually has any taste.

Gatorade is saying goodbye to retiring Yankee Derek Jeter with a 90 second tribute advertisement. Although you know you are only really special when someone dumps a bucket of the sports drink on your head.

An appeals court has rejected a $1 Million lawyers’ fee for a class action suit against RadioShack that awarded plaintiffs $830,000 in merchandise coupons. The court’s decision was based on the fact that RadioShack doesn’t have $830,000 in merchandise left in its stores.

The NBA has its first official partnership for headphones. The league picked the Harman headphones because they are so sensitive they can still hear the racial slurs out of a Donald Sterling conversation even when he is whispering.

L.A. sanitation workers were disciplined for an on the job demonstration. Workers were told if they didn’t get back to work management was going to take out the trash.

L.A. sanitation workers were disciplined for an on the job demonstration. Workers know they can’t be fired because without them the city would be buried under a pile of millions of discarded Perrier bottles.

Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been sold for $700 Million. When anyone asks if it is good beer, the answer is that it got someone drunk enough to buy Pabst Blue Ribbon beer for $700 Million.

A survey says that the Chinese feel trade is a good thing while Americans are less convinced. Mostly because we keep trading for all the cheap crap that the Chinese are selling to us in our stores.

A survey says that the Chinese feel trade is a good thing while Americans are less convinced. Mostly because the trades between us are for the cheap goods the Chinese make in exchange for the jobs we used to have.

A survey says that 37% of people in a relationship are hiding money from their partners. The other 63% are men who are more interested in hiding their Facebook password from their wives which could cost them half of everything they own.

A survey says that 37% of people in a relationship are hiding money from their partners. The other 63% haven’t had any money to hide since they lost their job back in 2007.

Researchers have used the video game “Destiny” to show that the beard craze is not over yet. That and the fact that most people are still too poor from the recession to be able to afford to buy a razor.

Researchers have used the video game “Destiny” to show that the beard craze is not over yet. Mostly because most young adults are spending so much time playing the game they don’t have any time left for shaving.

Researchers have used the video game “Destiny” to show that the beard craze is not over yet. They know it won’t officially be over as long as iTunes sales are still strong for ZZ Top.

Estimates are that the world’s population will reach 11 Billion by 2100. That number was a result of the exponential increase once the Octomom’s kids reach their child bearing years.

Bayer says it plans to spin off its plastics company to focus on health care products. Which are mostly needed for the people who have gotten ill from the environmental pollution from Bayer’s plastics company.

China has fined pharmaceutical company GlaxoSmithKline $485 Million for bribing doctors and hospitals. The money will go to the Chinese government bureaucrats who feel they should have been included in the payoffs.

Some fitness centers around the country are offering high altitude training by siphoning some of the oxygen from the exercise rooms. Or there are the low budget gyms which get the same effect by making you work out next to Kirstie Alley while she is on the treadmill.

A study says that less than one quarter of adults 45 or older meet muscle strength recommendations. Although if the study only measured thumb muscles, thanks to texting we would be the strongest nation on the planet.

Researchers say that deaths under 70 could fall 40% over the next 20 years. Mostly because that we are so fat and out of shape that there won’t be anyone over age 70 by then to compare it with.

Dr. Guinter Kahn, the man who invented Rogaine has died in Miami. He was 80. Although his hairline was only 37.

Dr. Guinter Kahn, the man who invented Rogaine has died in Miami at age 80. Ironically, he saved millions of men’s hair with his work in Colorado but made it to Florida as a transplant.

An analysis shows that conservative members of Congress appear more frequently on Sunday morning talk shows than liberals. Mostly because it fits in with their schedule better as the shows are on the way to their country club where they have their Sunday morning tee times.

An analysis shows that conservative members of Congress appear more frequently on Sunday morning talk shows than liberals. Mostly because it fits in with their scheduling. It’s not like the liberals have to get up early to do anything on Sunday like go to church.

Lady Gaga says she “cracked” after working non-stop for six years. Which is different from the millions of Americans who have cracked after not being able to find any work for the past six years.

Honey Boo Boo’s parents say they are separating, with her mom saying she may move closer to relatives once the latest season of shooting ends. People were surprised. “Honey Boo Boo” is still on the air?

Lady Gaga says she is happy and sober. In fact she was so drunk that she started calling herself Lady Gaga because that’s what came out when she actually was trying to say her real name Stefani Germanotta.

Former NBA guard Rex Chapman is accused of shoplifting $14,000 of merchandise from an Apple store. Which pretty much amounts to an iPhone 6 and a carrying case.

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston had his suspension extended through the entire game against Clemson. If he causes any more problems, university officials say next time they will take away his sports car, wardrobe allowance maybe even his boat.

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston had his suspension extended through the entire game against Clemson for using vulgar language on campus. People were shocked. A quarterback was on campus for something other than practice?

The Pentagon has started a new program to retain its technological edge against foreign rivals. They are looking for the same innovations that led to the $600 hammer and $400 toilet seat.

The Ig Nobel prizes were given last week to honor trivial science projects. This year’s winners included a study of the friction between a banana peel, a shoe and the floor. The award was given to the research team of Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard.

A working electric car has been made using just a 3D printer. The only problem was having to remake half the parts that came out of the printer looking like the office intern’s rear end.

The FCC is questioning how to enforce any rules about Internet neutrality. Apparently they haven’t had time to really study the issue since they are still trying to figure out what to do about the Janet Jackson Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction from ten years ago.

The FCC is questioning how to enforce any rules about Internet neutrality. Although it’s pretty obvious after watching “The Kardashians,” “Duck Dynasty” and “Honey Boo Boo” that the FCC really quit trying to enforce anything years ago.

An estimated 300,000 people marched in New York City over the weekend to protest climate change. If those 300,000 people would just walk around New York City every day instead of clogging the streets with their cars, there wouldn’t be any climate change to protest in the first place.

The U.N. is using Twitter to monitor people’s mood on climate change. Mostly because tweets show that people around the world have already given up on the U.N.’s attempts at creating world peace.

 A snail that was thought to be extinct for the past 17 years was found on an atoll in the Indian Ocean. The snail was discovered about three feet from where it was last seen in 1997.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! September 22nd is the first day of autumn, or as we will soon know it because of climate change “It’s now safe to go outside without worrying about spontaneous combustion.” The good part about climate change is now that we will be forced to stay inside all day and find out about the outside world through the Internet, that will give everyone plenty of time to sit around and come up with new and inventive ways to send the love!

Friday, September 19, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Pizza Hut is testing a new “skinny slice” pizza that has fewer calories by using less dough and skimping on the toppings. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Little Caesar’s.

The Royal & Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews, the world’s oldest golf club at 260 years has voted to accept women members. That means they will drop the old requirements of membership in an exclusive golf club of either being Royal or ancient.

Chicago has dropped a plan to name a new school after President Obama. Apparently they don’t want their children to be inspired to use their education for dubious purposes, like getting into politics.

The Air Force has dropped the phrase “So help me God” from its oath of enlistment. Apparently they figure their pilots will get religious enough when they get into a dogfight with two enemy fighter jets at 30,000 feet.

Warner Brothers is expected to lay off 1,000 workers, about 10% of its workforce. The studio has cited huge losses from a legal settlement over workplace injuries suffered by plaintiff Wile E. Coyote.

Warner Brothers is expected to lay off 1,000 workers, about 10% of its workforce. Labor representatives are also complaining that jobs that used to be held by white middle aged men are now going to aliens. For example, a recent cartoon part that was supposed to go to Elmer Fudd was instead given to Marvin the Martian.

Clemson University is being criticized for asking prospective students to give details about their sex lives. Apparently the school doesn’t realize that many entering freshmen don’t even have a sex life which is why they enrolled in college in the first place.

Clemson University is being criticized for asking prospective students to give details about their sex lives. School officials don’t realize if they were going to school to have sex they would have enrolled at UNLV.

Clemson University is being criticized for asking prospective students to give details about their sex lives. Students who have no sex life at all usually enroll in a seminary college or at Caltech.

A study says that cities with super fast Internet speeds are more productive. For one thing, men aren’t spending half their time waiting while their porn site videos keep having to buffer.

A Wal-Mart in Mexico is being investigated for holding a cockfight inside the store. Authorities were alerted after employees complained about having to do the worst cleanup ever on aisle 5.

The Census says the marriage rate in the U.S. is at 50.3%, the lowest in 93 years. Mostly because that’s about the time Larry King settled down with wife number eight.

The Census says the marriage rate in the U.S. is at 50.3%, the lowest in 93 years. Mostly because the other 49.7% of the population just doesn’t consider themselves to be married, otherwise known as men.

Dating sites are being created that cater to people who smoke marijuana. The site comes with an app that includes a speed dial link to Pizza Hut, Domino’s and Papa John’s for any last minute dating plans.

Dating sites are being created that cater to people who smoke marijuana. Those are the sites where all the profile pictures have red eyes and it isn’t because of the camera.

A study says that 10% of Americans go to work while they are high. The other 90% lost their jobs because they got stoned and forgot to go to work.

A study says that 10% of Americans go to work while they are high. That explains at least part of the reason it takes so long to get anything done at the DMV.

A survey says that only 36% of Americans can name all three branches of the government. The other 64% just know the parts of the government they personally come in contact with. Mainly the unemployment, disability and worker’s comp offices.

A plan is underway to bring a musical based on “American Psycho” to Broadway. No one even knew that Mel Gibson could sing.

Two skeletons were unearthed in England that had been holding hands while buried for 700 years. The last time two skeletons were seen holding hands was at a fashion show featuring lesbian supermodels.

NOAA  says the summer of 2014 was the hottest in world history. Even climate change deniers are saying they are giving up their fight, saying they just can’t take it anymore seeing Al Gore walking around without a shirt.

Larry Ellison is stepping down as CEO of Oracle. Apparently he waited until turning 70 to retire so he could get the maximum Social Security payments so he can afford to visit his private Hawaiian island once in awhile.

A report says that Dallas has the most new millionaires in the country. Which is mostly just a result of people who move there from the west coast and no longer have to pay California state taxes.

A report says that applications for jobless benefits fell sharply last week. Not because any fewer people were out of work, it’s just that we have so many people who are too illiterate to actually be able to read the forms.

Lincoln Logs will once again be made in the U.S. It’s the only way that most people will be able to afford to build a home that is American made and won’t be at risk of being foreclosed.

Cereal companies report sales are down between 7% and 30%. Business is so slow, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun came to work and found a sign in the window saying “No Irish Need Apply.”

The Fed says that household wealth went up 1.7% in the second quarter. Which means that people now have 1.7% of what they had before the 2007 crash.

A report says that retailers may hire the most holiday workers since 1999. Mostly because people will be shopping for the Christmas gifts they weren’t able to afford to buy for anyone since 2006.

The Department of Transportation says that airlines are adding jobs after making record profits. The new jobs will be for people to come up with even more fees to charge passengers because that’s the only way the airlines are still in business.

U.S. food makers say they will cut 6.4 Trillion calories from their products by next year. It was easy. They just put half the food they used to in all their packages.

Dentists are asking Crest to remove plastic microbeads from its toothpaste. Although people in Alabama say they think it looks good to have the pieces of plastic that add color and decoration to their tooth.

A study says that bad posture can make people scared, dull, sluggish and afraid. Especially anyone who went to Catholic schools and has flashbacks of the nuns hitting them with a ruler and yelling “Sit up straight!”

A study says that trauma and food addiction are linked in women. Anyone knows that who has tried to take a piece of chocolate away from their wife.

The FDA has approved a fast acting drug for treatment of Erectile Dysfunction. Which is great for men who wanted to get rid of the time they had to actually talk to their partners while waiting for the older drugs to work.

The Obama Administration has announced measures to tackle the problem of antibiotic resistance. Which health insurance companies say they had under control before Obamacare came along and actually gave people the opportunity to afford to get some antibiotics.

A study says that former addicts are less likely to become addicts of another substance. Mostly because they are afraid of being assigned to rehab again and have to listen to Lindsay Lohan explain why she really isn’t a bad person.

A study says that confidence may be a measurable brain activity. Although the researchers who conducted the study really aren’t sure and may have to run a lot of the tests again and may need to go through all the data a few more times.

Michael Vick says that Roger Goodell is doing a “great job” as NFL Commissioner. Which is about as meaningful an endorsement as having Adam Sandler recommend your film for Oscar consideration.

The Toledo Mud Hens baseball team has turned their ballpark into a miniature golf course. Using a stadium for a foreign sport inspired the Chicago Cubs. They liked the idea and are considering building a baseball diamond inside Wrigley Field.

A report says the government is taking “unnecessary risks” with security on the Healthcare.gov website. The good news is the site is completely safe since you pretty much need to be a hacker to be able to figure out how to log in to get insurance in the first place.

A study says that chimpanzees are natural born killers and weren’t made that way by humans. Although Bubbles the chimp reportedly never showed any violent tendencies until Michael Jackson started drinking all his “Jesus juice.”

An ancient Egyptian woman was discovered wearing hair extensions 3,300 years ago. The discovery finally puts to rest the question of what happened to Cher’s original beautician.

The FDA has approved a once weekly shot for diabetes. The only other system that involves less maintenance is the once yearly insulin shot for any diabetics who happen to be supermodels.

NASA has developed technology that can find survivors after any disasters. Otherwise known as the final phase of their latest rocket launch.

A Home Depot security breach has put 56 Million payment cards at risk. The good news is that most of those were from old accounts dating back to 2006 before the mortgage crisis when people still had homes they wanted to improve.

Microsoft has announced it will be laying off 2,100 employees. The hardest part will be getting the word out to their workers who have an Outlook.com e-mail account and use a PC that is operated by Windows 8.

Microsoft has announced it will be laying off 2,100 employees. The laid off workers will get the last laugh when they see their former boss Steve Ballmer realize he just spent $2 Billion to buy the L.A. Clippers.

A report says that tracking chips will be coming to the NHL soon which will monitor players’ speed and movement on the ice. More importantly, after a brawl it will be able to match up which teeth found on the ice belong to which player and who has what blood type for transfusions.

The U.S. has outlined a plan for a global climate agreement ahead of a summit next week. Which is pretty ambitious to think they can get the world to agree on a climate plan when half of all Americans won’t believe in global warming until it is 80 degrees in Alaska in January.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is the last weekend of summer. Or as they call the last weekend of summer in the northeast, the 4th of July. We are headed into autumn on Monday, which means right after that it will be winter. But after that comes spring and baseball season so that’s a good thing but then there is April 15th tax day to ruin everything again. It’s all in how you look at things. I just hope you all have a good weekend and come back rested and refreshed and ready to remember to make sure to always send the love!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A poll says trust in the media has dropped to 40%, an all time low. Mostly because the other 60% spend all their time watching Fox News.

A poll says trust in the media has dropped to 40%, an all time low. The other 60% wouldn’t take part in the survey because they felt the numbers may be misrepresented.

An Internet tracking company says there are now 1 Billion websites online. Although that number drops to around 350 if the count excludes any porn sites.

A survey shows that the number of billionaires in the world has reached a record high of 2,325. On one hand, people are impressed that so many people can become that rich. On the other hand, they figure it can’t be that difficult if one of them is Donald Trump.

A national panel says that end of life care needs to be overhauled. Which means Sarah Palin may not have been as crazy as she seemed when she was warning us about all those government death panels.

A national panel says that end of life care needs to be overhauled. A better idea would be to overhaul health care to help people while they are still alive instead of waiting until they are ready to die to try to help them.

A study says that artificial sweeteners may promote diabetes. Researchers are working to combat the problem by trying to develop an artificial pancreas and insulin.

A new Radar gun can reportedly catch drivers who are texting behind the wheel. It works not only by measuring speed but also detecting the car’s movement from side to side across three lanes of traffic.

A new Radar gun can reportedly catch drivers who are texting behind the wheel. The idea is that if the car is moving, the person driving is probably texting.

Marijuana retailers are starting a campaign to battle the image of pot smokers being a bunch of stoners. The ad campaign is projected to be completed some time in late 2017 or early 2018.

A town in Washington state has passed a law banning people with bad body odor from being out in public. Which pretty much kills their tourism council’s chance at booking any group travel excursions from France.

Pizza Hut is testing a “skinny slice” lower calorie pizza. Does that really work? How many thin people have you ever seen at a bar drinking light beer?

Pizza Hut is testing a “skinny slice” lower calorie pizza. The only problem is that it doesn’t work if people eat three of those pizzas compared with the two regular pizzas they gulp down at one sitting now.

The Census Bureau says the pay gap between men and women is smaller than ever. Mostly because companies can’t pay anyone lower than the minimum wage they are paying everyone now.

Scottish voters go to the polls today to decide whether they want independence from the UK. The campaign to stay tells people that the U.S. did the same thing 238 years ago, and look how bad things have gotten since then.

Alaskan residents will receive $1,900 this year from the state’s oil savings account. Most of the state’s energy money comes from the same residents who will spend that $1,900 to pay their heating bill just for the first three days of December.

An American man was arrested for trying to swim from South Korea into North Korea. Some countries have very strict policies about foreigners entering their country. Where did he think he was, back home in the U.S.?

A U.N. botched computer program is threatening to undermine peacekeeping activities. At least we know now what happened to the team of technicians who put together the Obamacare website.

A U.N. botched computer program is threatening to undermine peacekeeping activities. Which is unfortunate as people were really excited to see the U.N. finally do something to try to keep the peace.

A report says that 60% of Millennials want to own a home someday. They are just waiting to find a job and pay off their college loans, which means if they are lucky they should be able to start shopping for mortgages when they are about 80.

9,000 customer service agents for American Airlines based in southern states have voted to unionize. Labor experts were shocked. American Airlines has a customer service department?

A report says that more than half of all Americans are single now, compared with 37% back in 1976. Which means the latest “Star Wars” release can expect at least a 13% increase in ticket sales.

An ad campaign is trying to explain the difference between smoking and eating marijuana. For one thing, before pot was legalized the only reason people ate it was to get rid of the evidence when the police knocked at their door.

An ad campaign is trying to explain the difference between smoking and eating marijuana. Although if you can’t tell if you are smoking or eating pot, you are probably too stoned in the first place.

Encyclopaedia Britannica is looking to increase its digital presence and gain users. The reference book is 246 years old. Which means unfortunately the people there have apparently never heard of Google or Wikipedia.

A report says there is a shortage of breast implants available in Venezuela. Apparently the shortage is a result of a sagging economy.

A report says there is a shortage of breast implants available in Venezuela, a sign of the country’s widespread economic issues. Ironically, at a time when women can’t get larger breasts the country’s bond rating is now DD.

Attorney General Eric Holder says that Wall Street executives are being investigated for their roles in the economic crash. Not that the Department of Justice is being accused of dragging its feet, but the investigations are about the stock market crash of 1929.

A report says that strong holiday hiring is expected this year. And that’s just for store security departments to break up all the brawls involving shoppers during the Thanksgiving weekend sales.

Novo Nordisk, a pharmaceutical company from Denmark is planning an obesity research center in Seattle. Which just seems a bit ironic that a Danish company interested in solving a problem caused by eating too much cheese Danish.

The CDC says that deaths from prescription drugs quadrupled from 1999 to 2011. Mostly from people who started taking painkillers around 2007 every time they got their monthly 401(k) statement.

The CDC says that deaths from prescription drugs quadrupled from 1999 to 2011. Mostly from people who went on tranquilizers every time they got billed for their pharmacy copays.

Researchers say that magic mushrooms could be used to cure depression and addiction. Mostly after people eat the mushrooms and forget what they were depressed about because they spend the entire afternoon wondering how their shoes got tied.

A report says that households with children ate less junk food in 2012 than they did in 2007. That’s because after the economy crashed in 2007, people have considered even McDonald’s to be a luxury expense.

A study says that how healthy people eat indicates how much money they have. Which means by looking at American waistlines it shows that the people are in just about as bad of shape as the economy.

A study says that how healthy people eat indicates how much money they have. Which explains all the muggers who have been seen lurking around the parking lot at Whole Foods.

The CDC says the average American waistline is now nearly 39 inches. That means the average waistline is bigger than a yard, but it isn’t unusual to see some rear ends as big as the whole house.

Scientists have developed a wristband that uses the wearer’s heart rhythm as a password for their Internet accounts. The only problem is when their heart goes into cardiac arrest after seeing their Target credit card account has been hacked again.

A study says that violent movies can cause aggression, but only in people who are already prone. Although moviegoers can also become very angry after realizing they paid $8 to see the latest Adam Sandler movie.

A report says that dying Americans often get treatments they don’t want or need. The problem is that they probably wouldn’t be dying if their insurance company would pay for the treatments they need to recover while they are still alive.

Sharon Osbourne says that U2 gave away their latest album because no one wanted to buy it. On the other hand, her husband Ozzy can still sell albums to people who will listen to it constantly trying to figure out what he is actually singing about.

Alanis Morissette says that fame caused her to suffer PTSD. Although she didn't suffer it as badly as every man who dated her after she recorded “You Oughta Know.”

“America’s Funniest Home Videos” has turned 25. The show is so old that people who watched it in the early days still actually know what a VHS tape is.

“America’s Funniest Home Videos” has turned 25. The show celebrates the ability of Americans to have a camera ready any time someone has a chance of being hit in the groin.

“Dating Naked” has been picked up for a second season on VH1. The show isn’t doing that well in the ratings, but the show still makes money by saving a bundle on wardrobe expenses.

Joan Rivers’ personal doctor is being accused of taking a selfie with the comedian in the operating room while she was under anesthesia. Authorities don’t see it so much of a selfie as they consider it a possible mug shot.

French actor Gerard Depardieu says he can drink up to 14 bottles of wine a day. Which is about the same amount of wine drunk by the women who actually considered him a sex symbol.

Kim Kardashian says she and Kanye West are trying for a second baby. The only problem is that with Kanye in the house it means she will have to pretty much care for three children by herself.

The NHL is saying no for now to sponsors’ ads on team jerseys. Although so far they are getting a lot of interest from Crest, Oral-B and the American Dental Association.

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston will have to sit out the first half of this week’s game after using vulgar language on campus. Athletic administrators came down on him hard after he was overheard suggesting the school was spending too much on sports and not enough on academics.

Experts say that people are stressing out cats by treating them like dogs. In fact, the cats are so stressed out that they are only able to now sleep 23 1/2 hours out of the day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Scotland is voting for its independence today. The only question is why has England kept them this long? Apparently the number one issue for the vote to leave England is so they can keep the pubs open on election day. The good thing about keeping the pubs open in Scotland is the drunker that Scots get, the easier it is to understand what they are saying. The only poll that matters here is the one where you express what you think of my jokes by remembering to send the love!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


England is offering new powers to Scotland if they vote to stay as part of the UK. The rest of Great Britain says if Scotland turns down independence, they will even promise to try Haggis sometime.

Police in Scotland will be on high alert for Friday’s independence election, no matter what the results. The risk of rioting has been placed somewhere between “Saturday night drinking” and “Drunk soccer hooligans on game day.”

A study says that liberals and conservatives smell differently. Mostly being liberals smelling like fresh picked kale and conservatives having the odor of freshly minted $100 bills.

A study says that liberals and conservatives smell differently. One thing is for sure. No matter how sore their muscles are, no conservative would ever be caught using and smelling like Ben-Gay.

A study says that liberals and conservatives smell differently. Liberals have that smell of enthusiasm just before it is crushed by disappointment, and conservatives have more of that unmistakable odor of formaldehyde.

The NFL has hired a woman to help with their policy on domestic violence who is a former counsel to Joe Biden. Apparently the league’s strategy is to come up with a policy that completely bewilders and confuses everyone for the next three years until the controversy dies down.

A doctor is telling men to put their cellphones on “airplane” mode while carrying it in their pockets to reduce the risk of cancer. The only problem is getting to put their phone on airplane mode as no one even does that on an airplane.

California is requiring permits for self driving cars. It’s the first time the DMV has given approval to cars that have no driver behind the wheel since Lindsay Lohan got her driver’s license.

Panama is ranked first in the world in well being, with the U.S. coming in twelfth. Especially the Panamanians who have found full time work and are living it up ever since they sneaked across the U.S. border.

The National Labor Relations Board has ordered CNN to rehire 100 employees in an 11 year old labor dispute. The employees were fired when Larry King left and they were no longer needed to operate his personal defibrillator and give him fresh embalming fluid every day.

The National Labor Relations Board has ordered CNN to rehire 100 employees in an 11 year old labor dispute. The worst part of the story is that the news was broken by Fox.

A report says the foreign born population of the U.S. could reach 60 Million in the next ten years. However, that total would actually be 258 if you don’t count California.

The Census Bureau says the poverty rate in the U.S. declined slightly last year. Mostly because ever since the economic crash, you have to be not only broke but seriously in debt to be considered poorer than everyone else.

Russians are being urged not to panic as the Rouble fell to a new all time low against the dollar. Although it must be hard to stay calm when you see that the U.S. dollar is in better shape than the currency you have in your wallet.

Russians are being urged not to panic as the Rouble fell to a new all time low against the dollar. When the government tells you not to panic over the value of your money, that is usually the time you really need to panic.

Civil War hero Alonzo Cushing will receive the Medal of Honor 151 years late. Apparently the oversight was made when the military found his records and was trying to contact him for possible reactivation to go to the Middle East and fight against ISIS.

A U.S. Senator has challenged the tax exempt status of the NFL over the controversy of the name of the Washington Redskins. To which the Redskins say that is so typical of the white man trying to go back on his word with yet another treaty.

New history text books that are up for approval in Texas are being criticized by both liberals and conservatives. Most of all they are being blasted by Texans for mentioning history that took place anywhere other than in Texas.

The U.N. has taken Brazil off the world hunger map. Officials figured they can’t be that weak from hunger if they can blow those vuvuzelas for hours at a time at soccer matches.

The U.N. has taken Brazil off the world hunger map. Which is fine for most Americans who couldn’t even find where Brazil is on a world map if they had to.

Concerns are being raised about the dangers of powdered caffeine, of which one teaspoon is equal to drinking 25 cups of coffee. Apparently it’s for people who just don’t have time to wait in line at Starbucks and drink a whole triple espresso venti.

Concerns are being raised about the dangers of powdered caffeine, of which one teaspoon is equal to drinking 25 cups of coffee. The only problem for Paris Hilton is trying to measure out one teaspoon using a straw.

United Airlines is offering some of their flight attendants $100,000 to retire. Or at least they are giving them equal value, meaning one free suitcase along with an inflight movie and a blanket.

A report says that one in nine people in the world are chronically hungry. In fact, they are so famished that they will actually eat British food that is put on their plates.

A report says that one in nine people in the world are chronically hungry. Mostly the Chinese who have plenty to eat but are always hungry an hour later.

A funeral home in Michigan is offering drive through viewings. Which is ironic, especially in cases where the deceased passed away from obesity from spending too much time in the drive-thru at McDonald’s.

The Census Bureau says the poverty rate in the U.S. is 14.5%. The other 85.5% are still just a paycheck away.

A report says that one in ten Americans aged 35-44 have money seized for debts from their paychecks. Which is sure a lot easier than having to keep remembering to go through the mail and actually write out checks for each of those bills.

A report says that one in ten Americans aged 35-44 have money seized for debts from their paychecks. The other nine are still waiting to actually get the opportunity to some day be able to earn a paycheck.

The Census Bureau says the average American’s income went up $180 last year. Which means the average American is now making $180 a year.

Anheuser Busch is lashing out at the NFL for its recent handling of domestic violence cases. Which is really ironic since most domestic violence cases usually involve a six pack or two of products made by Anheuser Busch.

A top Wal-Mart spokesman has resigned after it was discovered he had no college degree as he claimed on his resume. Ironically, the only job he can now get without a college degree is working at Wal-Mart.

A report says that illegal drug use has declined with teenagers. Mostly because they have all moved to Washington and Colorado where they can smoke pot legally.

Heart experts say that a 14 point checklist should be used instead of EKGs on student athletes to detect heart problems. The 14 points all have to do with how many of their latest meals have been eaten at McDonald’s.

Heart experts say that a 14 point checklist should be used instead of EKGs on student athletes to detect heart problems. The only problem is finding any student athletes who can actually read the questions on a 14 point checklist.

A new blood test can reportedly diagnose depression. Especially when the patient finds out their health insurance plan doesn’t cover the cost of the blood test.

A Vermont woman just celebrated her 105th birthday. She says the secret to a long life is trying to figure out a way to eventually be able to move to somewhere warmer than Vermont.

A goldfish in Australia had lifesaving surgery to remove a tumor. The fish says it was just happy to once again be able to cheat the Ty-D-Bol man.

A goldfish in Australia had lifesaving surgery to remove a tumor. Which is sad to think that people are still bashing Obamacare in this country when even aquarium life Down Under has better health coverage.

The CDC says that between 1999 and 2012 the average American waistline expanded 1.2 inches. The news would be even worse but they are afraid what might happen when they tell people during the same time their backsides got twelve times that big.

Kim Kardashian defended Kanye West after he yelled at disabled people for not standing during a concert. It takes someone really close to Kanye to realize that was far from the worst thing he is capable of doing at any time.

Julie Chen from “The Talk” revealed that her grandfather was a polygamist. She just remembers as a child sending thank you notes for birthday presents from grandpa, grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma and grandma.

Accused killer Aaron Hernandez says he felt “helpless” as police searched his Massachusetts home. Which is exactly how someone should feel who is handcuffed sitting in a jail cell while police are getting evidence on all the murders they committed.

Anaheim Ducks hockey players helped deliver season tickets to some fans. They got the idea from the Florida Panthers NHL team. The only difference is that the Panthers had players drop them off because it was on their way home and the team wanted to save postage on the three season ticket packages they were actually able to sell.

Netropolitan is a new social network that claims to be Facebook for the wealthy, costing $9,000 to join. It is so exclusive people only post pictures of their meals when they are eating lobster, caviar and Dom Perignon Champagne.

Subway will start allowing customers to pay with their smartphones. You would think that a place named “Subway” would have thought to have people be able to pay with tokens.

Retail stores are already trying to attract holiday shoppers. With the economy the way it is, some stores are allowing customers to lay away presents they are ordering for Christmas 2025.

UPS says it expects to hire 95,000 seasonal workers over the holidays. Which is finally some good news for all the elves who have been collecting unemployment since Santa had to lay them off after all the online merchants started offering free shipping.

President Obama says the Ebola epidemic is “spiraling out of control.” He was just happy to be able to use that term for once when he wasn’t speaking about the economy, unemployment or the situation in the Middle East.

A poll says that one in four Americans are worried about getting Ebola. Health experts put their fears to rest, saying most Americans will die from heart disease, high blood pressure or diabetes way before Ebola ever gets even close to the U.S.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s going to be interesting to see how the domestic violence cases affect the NFL. Players need to learn to never hit women. Things will be fine as long as they stick to driving drunk, shooting each other in nightclubs and taking performance enhancing drugs. I am not all that interested in what is going on. As a Raiders fan my season pretty much ends by week three. The rest of you can just fill me in on what is going on. Better yet, just remember once in awhile to send the love!