Sunday, October 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says more countries are warning travelers to not vacation in the U.S. Hazards include having all their money taken while wandering around aimlessly in unbearably hot and crowded conditions. And that’s just while visiting Disney World. 

Marathon runners in Milwaukee found out they didn’t run the whole race and it didn’t count. Who designed the course, Rosie Ruiz?

The Air Force will recall 1,000 retired pilots to make up for a shortage. Hopefully those pilots aren’t working now for United or we could lose the next war as the status of every air strike will be either “delayed” or “canceled.”

A study says pollution is deadlier than war, disasters or hunger. To which Donald Trump is saying give him a little more time and he will make them all the same.

A study says pollution causes 9 Million deaths each year. No one had any idea that many people were driving diesel Volkswagens.

A study says fasting could lead to a longer life. Although if that is really the case, why aren’t all Americans dying by the time they are 40?

Mariah Carey’s home was burglarized for $50,000 in purses and sunglasses. The worst part is she says they only took her favorite one of each.

Mariah Carey’s home was burglarized for $50,000 in purses and sunglasses. Which is getting zero sympathy from people who realize she spends what they make a year to buy purses and sunglasses.

Mariah Carey’s home was burglarized for $50,000 in purses and sunglasses. Fortunately, they had already been used once and were ready to be thrown out anyway.

A report says Harvey Weinstein is undergoing treatment for his sexual misconduct but is not listening to anyone and thinks he doesn’t need help. Although he does say he likes the facility because all the nurses have great backsides.

A California scientist is working on growing human organs inside pigs. Which would be ironic for a transplant patient whose health problems are caused by eating too much bacon.

A report says governors’ races are becoming contests between billionaires. Can’t they just be satisfied with using all their money to buy yachts, private jets and pro sports teams?

A report says governors’ races are becoming contests between billionaires. Voters might change their minds when they remember what happened the last time we had an election between two wealthy candidates.

A survey says kids no longer name being an actor, singer or athlete as their top career choice. Mostly because no one wants to end up like Justin Bieber, Britney Spears or Johnny Manziel.

A survey says kids no longer name being an actor, singer or athlete as their top career choice. Mostly because having those are the professions where you are most likely to eventually run into Harvey Weinstein.

A survey says kids no longer name being an actor, singer or athlete as their top career choice. Mostly because they are looking for something more in line with their life experience of sitting on a couch all day playing video games.

A Pennsylvania man is being charged with choking a woman after she changed her iPad password to deny him access. Apparently it never occurred to him instead of “password” to try “12345.”

A village surrounded by polar bears is making townspeople hostages in their own homes. Not to say this might be a climate change issue, but the worst part is the village is in Mexico.

The actress who arranged a meeting between Sean Penn and drug kingpin El Chapo says she had sex with Penn and described it as “just business.” The worst part for Penn is that she says she mainly deals in small business.

The actress who arranged a meeting between Sean Penn and drug kingpin El Chapo for a documentary says she had sex with Penn which was “just business.” In other words, the necessary background to become a producer for Sean Penn is hooker.

The Senate is talking of capping 401(k) contributions to $2,400 a year. Mostly because people won’t need all that much money to live on anyway by the time they reach their projected retirement age of 93.

The Senate is talking of capping 401(k) contributions to $2,400 a year. Although most people would pretty much be happy if they had $2,400 as their yearly income.

A study says Millennials are ditching religion in favor of witchcraft and astrology. Mostly because they have spent their entire life sitting in front of a video screen living in the “World of Warcraft,” “The Legend of Zelda” and “Dragon Age.”

Donald Trump says he will release thousands of documents about the JFK assassination. To which most people under 40 are asking “Who’s JFK?”

Donald Trump says he will release thousands of documents about the JFK assassination. Mostly as a distraction to keep people from looking into any other issues that may have dealt with collusion by some Russians.

The U.S. posted its largest deficit since 2013. The causes are a drop in revenue, subpar growth and all that spending by the Trump Administration on private jets.

Steve Bannon called George W. Bush’s presidency the “most destructive.” Most people thought that was wrong. They thought it would be more accurate to have said “calamitous,” “catastrophic” or “cataclysmic.”

Steve Bannon called George W. Bush’s presidency the “most destructive.” To which Donald Trump is saying Bush had eight years and he has only had a few months.

Steve Bannon gave a speech to the Republican Party Convention in California. It was just nice that they were able to get all three people together at the same time.

The wife of former HHS Secretary Tom Price asked about quarantine for HIV patients, saying before they didn’t live so long. Well, those doctors should be ashamed of themselves for finding cures for all those sick people.

The wife of former HHS Secretary Tom Price asked about quarantine for HIV patients. Apparently it would be just too expensive to put each one of them in their own public stockade.

The wife of former HHS Secretary Tom Price asked about quarantine for HIV patients. Like when they travel, we could give them all their own private jet just like Tom Price.

An expert says water from polluted hazardous waste sites in Puerto Rico is safe for human consumption. Afterwards, the expert went back to their job as public health commissioner in Flint, Michigan.

Vladimir Putin says Donald Trump is distrusted even after being elected “honestly.” In fact, Putin says only his most trustworthy hackers were even considered to become involved in any of the collusion.

United Airlines will increase its economy seating to ten seats in each row. Doing that just means eliminating all that unnecessary space used now for the aisle.

United Airlines will increase its economy seating to ten seats in each row. Mostly for the efficiency of now being able to drag two unruly passengers off the plane at once.

United Airlines will increase its economy seating to ten seats in each row. Which will be up to 20 just as soon as they can figure out how to stack another row of seats on top of that.

Toyota says it will use facial expression technology to analyze if drivers are sleepy or hungry. Although any expressions recorded by people in the back seat will pretty much be determined to be their sex faces.

Fires in California have scorched two dozen legalized pot farms. Which is being written off as a business expense by the owners as a promotion for a free sample.

Fires in California have scorched two dozen legalized pot farms. Which most potheads are calling their way of cutting out the middle man.

Taco Bell is testing a dessert called the Kit Kat Chocoladilla. So much for anyone who claims the chain doesn’t serve their customers traditional Mexican dishes.

Taco Bell is testing a dessert called the Kit Kat Chocoladilla. The commercials feature two people who collide and say “You got your chocolate in my Chalupa!”

Laptop computers could soon be banned from checked luggage because of the risk of fire. Because it would be much safer to have the things explode in the cabin being used by a passenger on their tray table.

Sears has borrowed another $40 Million from their CEO. Which makes it pretty obvious how he got the job.

Sears has borrowed another $40 Million from their CEO. That’s about as smart as loaning your deadbeat brother-in-law a couple of hundred because he was given a tip on a sure bet at the race track.

The IRS says it will reject tax returns with no healthcare disclosure. Although for most people the disclosure is that their income went to paying off their healthcare.

The IRS says it will reject tax returns with no healthcare disclosure. Which works out for Donald Trump as that will be his excuse for not releasing his tax forms again.

A study says oral sex and smoking could be dangerous for men. And for women, too if they try to do them both at the same time.

An inmate in Oklahoma is suing his prison after being given a pill by another prisoner that gave him an erection for 91 hours. Not only that, his cellmate is suing after being too afraid to fall asleep for 91 straight hours.

A study says alcohol helps people speak a foreign language better. The only problem is it makes it harder to understand them when they try to speak their own language.

A study says alcohol helps people speak a foreign language better. Mostly because buying a woman a drink means the same thing in every dialect on the planet.

Researchers say the human brain knows when it has just died. Which brains know will happen about two hours after they tell the mouth to order a burrito at Chipotle.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s car was reportedly broken into outside their California home. It’s too bad they don’t have the resources to buy a home that maybe comes with a garage.

Melania Trump has donated her inaugural gown to the Smithsonian. She was going to donate her wedding dress but the museum says they already have a room full of bridal gowns from Donald Trump’s weddings.

An American woman married an Africa prince she met in a bar. She knew he was Mr. Right when she just had to give him $10,000 for a $100 Million payoff when his brother was released from prison.

 An American woman married an Africa prince she met in a bar. Apparently the Nigerian princes have dropped the e-mail and are now doing all their business in person.

Jenna Jameson slammed Playboy for featuring their first transgender Playmate. How dare they choose some Playmate because of a gimmick and not pick someone who has been training for the role for years taking her clothes off in porn movies.

Fox News anchor Chris Wallace slammed coworkers for attacking the press. If it wasn’t for the news media, all those commentators on Fox wouldn’t have complaints to fill their shows with.

Victoria Secret Angel Sara Sampaio says a magazine published a nude cover of her without her consent. To which anyone who has ever seen a Victoria’s Secret catalog is asking “What’s the difference?”

Lonzo Ball has released a single “Super Saiyan.” That comes after his line of $500 shoes. Fans of the Lakers who bought the music and sneakers now hope he will have some time to show if he knows how to play basketball.

The Cleveland Browns sent two players home before last week’s game after missing a curfew. To which the other players complained, saying “Why were we the ones to get punished by having people see us suit up for the Browns?”

The NBA has fined New Orleans Pelican DeMarcus Cousins $25,000 for using inappropriate language with an angry fan. People were confused. Why is a Pelican fan waiting until now to be upset with the team?

A report says Jerry Jones sat during the National Anthem at his first home game as Cowboys owner in 1989. Apparently he just didn’t want to stand up because it was just so comfortable to sit on his new throne.

Donald Trump has pledged to pay $430,000 in legal fees related to the Russia probes. Although it wouldn’t look so bad if he didn’t pay the money in rubles.

A survey says under Trump, Americans biggest fears are healthcare, the environment and World War III. To which Donald Trump says “Yeah, but along with all that everyone will get a nice big tax break!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, it’s the Dodgers against the Astros in the World Series starting Tuesday. But really, how serious can anyone take a team named after the Jetson’s dog? You know Fox executives were looking out a window to jump from when it became obvious in Game 7 that a Yankees-Dodgers World Series that would be sold out in ads in about 30 seconds turned into the Astros-Dodgers contest that will be watched by people in two cities. The worst part is one of those cities won’t be Houston. And commercial sponsors for the L.A. stations have to plan their ads at the right times because Dodger fans even watch games on TV from the 3rd through the 6th innings. I am just hoping we can break the 29 year jinx the Dodgers have endured. Of course, Houston has never won a World Series at all so they can’t tell the difference. In the meantime, you can make me feel better as usual on a daily basis when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


Friday, October 20, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

NFL ratings have taken a hit this season, down 7.5% from last year. It looks like the owners are finally taking a knee, only with them it is right to the groin.

A Georgia woman is facing jail time after not being able to pay for her husband’s cremation. Which wouldn’t be an issue if not for the fact that he is still alive.

Astronomers say sky conditions are right for being able to see Uranus. Which means you really need to pull your pants up higher. (Old, juvenile and predictable, but still always funny!)

The FDA chief says menthol and other tobacco flavorings can do “both harm and good.” Meaning the toxins in the additives can kill smokers before their cigarettes give them lung cancer.

A study suggests that dogs alter their facial expressions to manipulate people’s emotions. They can make sad faces, puppy eyes or in the case of a pit bull wanting your steak, bare their teeth to let you know they can rip your arms right off.

Hugh Hefner’s picture will be featured on the cover of an upcoming Playboy magazine. Let’s just pray it was taken with all his clothes on.

The world’s first sex doll brothel has opened in Germany. Some of the mannequins will soon come covered in papier mache as well as latex meaning customers will be asked up front if they prefer paper or plastic.

A 70 year old English woman says she keeps her youthful looks by rubbing urine on her face. The only question now is whether she is listed on that dossier as ever dating Donald Trump.

The 30th anniversary of the Black Monday market crash has experts asking if it could happen again. To which most hedge fund managers are saying just give them enough time and they’ll see what they can do.

China has come up with a 30-year plan to rule the world. As opposed to the four-year U.S. plan voters devised in November to pretty much give it to them.

A report says North Korean military officials watch MSNBC. Mostly because it’s the only channel they can be pretty sure they will never see have any guest appearances by Donald Trump.

A sketch comedy group made up of BYU students performs using no vulgarities. It makes for perfect family viewing for men along with their five wives.

A $1,000 bagel is being offered by a New York City restaurant. At that price you can bet it doesn’t come served with cream cheese and lox.

A study says Tinder reinforces ancient mating habits. Apparently cavemen used to approach women by using a club to swipe right against their head.

A study says Tinder reinforces ancient mating habits. Which just like prehistoric times is why men like naked pictures decorating the walls of there man-caves.

An inmate in Pennsylvania is suing a jail after he was given a pill that resulted in a 91-hour erection. Or as having an erection for 91 hours is called in prison, “solitary confinement.”

An inmate in Pennsylvania is suing a jail after he was given a pill that resulted in a 91-hour erection. Which having an erection for 91 hours is pretty much the prison equivalent of Tinder.

NOAA has released its long-range winter forecast. Which since Donald Trump became President now includes the odds for a full-scale nuclear winter.

Donald Trump is rating the hurricane response in Puerto Rico as a 10. To which the people there agree with, although in their opinion it was on a scale of 1-100.

Donald Trump is rating the hurricane response in Puerto Rico as a 10. Not only that, he is claiming a 100% completion rate on all those paper towel rolls he threw.

Donald Trump is calling the storm that hit Puerto Rico “worse than Katrina.” As opposed to when the hurricane first went through and he said they were lucky it wasn’t “a real catastrophe like Katrina.”

George W. Bush gave a speech where he blasted Donald Trump without mentioning his name. How bad is it to be called out as incompetent by the guy who started the TSA?

Prosecutors in Sao Paulo, Brazil are looking into the mayor’s plan to serve schoolchildren meals made of pellets containing reprocessed foods. What’s the big deal? In the U.S. we let our kids do the same thing all the time at Taco Bell.

The top tier at the Rome Colosseum will soon be open to the public. Tickets are $20 each or they can be picked up with the additional service charge for $475 through Ticketmaster.

The top tier at the Rome Colosseum will soon be open to the public. NFL owners can hardly wait to visit so they can see the place where competitors who took a knee during the national anthem were sent into the ring to fight to the death.

A former Surgeon General says loneliness is becoming an epidemic. Which most people will be shocked to learn when they read it in the news reports that they see on their cellphone that their eyes are glued to 20 hours a day.

Vladimir Putin says Russia favors a global nuclear ban. To which Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un are saying “You never let us have any fun.”

Vladimir Putin says Russia favors a global nuclear ban. To which everyone else is saying, “OK. You first!”

Vladimir Putin says Russia favors a global nuclear ban. Which everyone else says they will get right on it when he finishes cleaning up that whole mess at Chernobyl.

A group of Portuguese children is suing 47 European countries for failing to take action on climate change. No one had any idea that Gloria Allred had received a license to practice in Portugal.

A group of Portuguese children is suing 47 European countries for failing to take action on climate change. Which more people would be sympathetic about if there weren’t so many other issues in Portugal besides global warming.

A group of Portuguese children is suing 47 European countries for failing to take action on climate change. Apparently Portuguese kids are taking it to the courts after seeing that they have pretty much milked out the whole Fatima thing.

A study says 3 Million Americans carry a loaded handgun every day. The other 297 Million still prefer their Uzi, AK-47 and AR-15s.

A study says 3 Million Americans carry a loaded handgun every day. Mostly because gun owners have a word for a handgun that isn’t loaded. “Paperweight.”

United Airlines stocks fell after the CEO asked investors to have patience. Which is no surprise as that is exactly the same thing they tell their passengers after they have been sitting in a plane that hasn’t moved off the tarmac for three hours.

The CEO of United Airlines told investors the company has dug itself into a “competitive hole.” The only other time they have to dig holes is to bury passengers who have to be dragged off the planes.

A Georgia onion farmer has been ordered to pay $1.4 Million to workers in an overtime lawsuit. Which shows that if you work around onions long enough, at some point you will be brought to tears.

A survey says half of all tech workers are worried about losing their jobs because of ageism. The other half figures they have a few years to go since they are still under 25.

A report says mass electric vehicle adoption could drop oil to $10 a barrel. The only problem with plentiful, cheap oil around why will we still even need our military?

A report says mass electric vehicle adoption could drop oil to $10 a barrel. The best part of that will be seeing all those oil company executives seeing $10 not only the price of oil but also their new hourly wage.

A report says student debt can delay home ownership by as much as seven years. Mostly because that is still the minimum time to wait to qualify for credit again after declaring bankruptcy.

A report says the U.S. is lagging behind China in spotting cyberthreats. Mostly because it is a lot easier to catch hackers when they only have five websites they can try to breach.

A report says the U.S. is lagging behind China in spotting cyberthreats. Mostly because in the U.S. hackers who are caught become security advisers while in China the government hacks them, mostly with their heads.

A study says older adults who walk six hours a week have a lower risk of dying. Except the ones who are out walking around aimlessly for six hours trying to remember how to get to the corner supermarket.

A study says 1 in 5 young women who tan indoors become addicted. Not to the tanning but to having to constantly use leather conditioner on their skin.

A study says 1 in 5 young women who tan indoors become addicted. The other 4 have no idea that another way to get tan is by actually getting off the couch and going outside in the sunlight.

A study says 42% of kids 8 and younger have their own tablets. The other 58% don’t need one because they are busy enough with their iPhone, VR headset and Xbox.

Cher and Meryl Streep are teaming up for a sequel to “Mama Mia.” Apparently this one will be about a mysterious disappearance and will be called “Mama M.I.A.”

Blac Chyna is suing the Kardashian family for “slut shaming” her. The Kardashians’ defense is that they would never be able to find it in themselves to find any shame in being a slut.

Nike has created a one-of-a-kind pair of shoes for the Patriots made from footballs used in Super Bowl LI. The only problem is that since Tom Brady handled the footballs, they only fit people who have flat feet.

NFL referees are fighting back against claims of biased officiating. They say they can prove with game films that their calls are equally bad no matter who is playing.

Ariana Huffington has created an app that disconnects people from the Internet and says they can’t be reached. Pretty much like what has happened with the Huffington Post.

A bomb-sniffing dog has been dropped by the CIA because it is no longer interested in the task. Apparently the dog feels that sniffing should be meant for where it was intended, mostly all the other dogs’ butts.

A bomb-sniffing dog has been dropped by the CIA because it is no longer interested in the task. Not only that, the Agency was becoming suspicious the dog may have been behind a recent series of leaks.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, for the first time in 29 years the Dodgers are in the World Series. Hopefully, they can come up with the same results they saw in 1988 which was one of the greatest ‘Series ever. I was at the game where Kirk Gibson hit the most amazing walk-off home run in history. It doesn’t seem like that long ago. 27 years, max. The only question left is who will they be playing, the Astros or Yankees? I sort of hope it’s the Yanks, because of their great history over the years. I don’t really care as long as they win. So think of the Dodgers and me and how long I have waited for this when you all remember to make sure to always keep on sending the love!

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